


one hundred

by wartransmission



Series: one hundred [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 107,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1833439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is still the same but not, and Killua wonders how long this happiness will last. He can't help it; it's ingrained into him, this cautiousness that has saved his life countless times before.</p><p>Gon, on the other hand, is set on proving to him that this happiness can last. And if Gon was one thing, it was stubborn to the point of obstinacy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the house you built

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from Hands Like Houses' song, [One Hundred](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrmxgFX7H4). Conveniently enough, this whole fic is going to be written out based on the prompts found in [this link.](http://tehuti.deviantart.com/art/100-Writing-Prompts-295453283)
> 
> So many thank yous to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes), who is an awesome friend and writer. Bless you for putting up with me as I wrote this whole thing. [I totally recommend reading her fics, ehehe.]
> 
> Today's prompts:  
> 1\. It's like a riddle, you see.  
> 2\. Rain was falling in the street.  
> 3\. They say a monster lives in those hills.  
> 4\. I tried opening it, but it's like it was locked.  
> 5\. The sky was so heavy I could almost touch it.

It’s like a riddle, Killua thinks, these twisting and painful feelings bubbling in his chest, though riddles are surely easier to solve than these feelings are.

It’s not like he wants to figure them out either. Considering the weight they have on him, lead-heavy in his stomach whenever he so much as remembers that Gon chose to be with him ( _again_ ), it’s certain that things will become more complicated if he ever puts his feelings into words.

Maybe it’d be best, just this once, to leave them alone. Things have changed enough as they have, which…they haven’t, not from an outward sense, considering how Gon is still so _Gon_ and Killua is still “the same as always,” in Gon’s words.

(But there are times when Killua is watching him and Gon is deep in thought, serious like he wasn’t before, and Killua remembers that things have _changed_ , even if it isn’t so obvious in how they act now that they’re together again.)

“Killua, you’re making a weird face again,” Gon tells him, snapping him out of his thoughts, making him blink in surprise as he raises an eyebrow at Gon in question.

“You know?” Gon laughs a bit, smiles, before furrowing his brows and frowning exaggeratedly while pointing at his face. “That serious face you do whenever you’re thinking really hard about something.”

“You notice me too much,” Killua says offhandedly, making what Gon would call to be another weird face as he squints at him, before shifts his gaze back to the path.

“Do I?”

“…huh?”

Killua blinks again, caught off-guard when he turns to the sight of Gon looking intently at him.

“Do I notice you too much, Killua?”

“That’s,” and he pauses, hesitant, trying to be a little more careful because Gon looks so much more serious than he usually does.

They both know that Gon wants a real answer, and Killua isn’t sure if he can give it to him.

(As much as he’d like to say the hates being faced with ‘this’ Gon, he knows that it would be a lie.)

“That’s a dumb question,” he settles for saying, acting blasé as he huffs and turns his head away, marching none too awkwardly (he hopes) ahead of Gon, who snaps out of it as he usually does with a whine of dismay at having his question rebuffed.

“But I was serious!” Gon insists, fists clenched around the straps of his backpack as they travel up the path to Gon’s home.

It’s been months since they last came back, and it’s been months since Killua promised to Alluka that he’d be happy when he left her in Mito-san’s care (and, consequently, in Palm’s as well considering how Mito-san couldn’t protect Alluka on her own); Killua knows that he’s been able to keep his promise- only just as much as he’s sure that he hasn’t.

“You notice the faces I make way too much, okay!” Killua shouts as an answer, prepared for Gon to get in his face in annoyance.

He isn’t prepared for-

“But why shouldn’t I? They’re faces that Killua makes, so what’s wrong with that!” Gon shouts back, frank as ever, not at all embarrassed unlike _Killua_ is.

“Do you ever even _think_ of the things that come out of your mouth, you idiot?!” Killua screeches, flushed face turned away as he hurries his way up the hill to give himself some distance from Gon.

“What does that have to do with this!” Gon yells back, intent on not letting Killua win the argument as he runs after him.

“It has everything to do with it! Don’t-!” Killua’s voice cracks as soon as Gon pulls him to a halt, Gon’s hand so very warm and _unwanted_ around Killua’s wrist as Killua struggles to hide his face from him.

“How does that-” Gon blinks, his hand which had been meaning to hold onto Killua’s shoulder freezing mid-air as he gives an experimental squeeze around Killua’s wrist. “Why is your pulse going so fast, Killua?”

“No it’s not,” Killua says, expression defaulting into a poker face from sheer panic, his movements lightning-quick as he pulls his wrist out of Gon’s grip.

“Hey-!”

“I’m going on ahead because you’re so slow!” Killua says in one breath as he jogs on ahead, taking a moment to look back at Gon and stick his tongue out at him on a childish whim.

Gon makes a face, taking the bait without hesitation. “That’s unfair! You got a head start!”

“Can’t hear you from how far away I am!”

And Killua laughs, both relieved and disappointed for some unspeakable reason as he leaves Gon behind to whine and yell after him.

He’s not prepared to have this riddle solved after all.

 

* * *

  

“Well, this sucks.”

“I told you that it would rain,” Gon tells him with a barely hidden smile.

It’s still raining outside when Killua looks again, large droplets pattering on the roof noisily even when he tries not to listen. The usually bright view of Whale Island looks gloomier in this weather, the greens and blues becoming dim and gray as everything is obscured by rain clouds hanging heavy in the sky.

“Yeah, yeah, I thank the fact that your nose is still as weird and useful as ever,” Killua says with a roll of his eyes and a wave of his hand. “Still, I hoped that it wouldn’t. It isn’t as fun to take a walk when it’s raining.”

“You’re just annoyed because of what happened last time.”

“I am not!” Killua snaps, huffing in annoyance when Gon laughs at him. “Anyway, it’s not my fault that your nose wasn’t as useful then.”

“I _told_ you that it would rain, but you said that we should go out anyway!”

“You didn’t say that it was going to be a _storm,_ Gon! I was _drenched_!”

“Like I wasn’t?!”

“You’re probably used to it already, you-!”

“ _Boys,_ ” Mito-san interrupts, a firm and forced smile on her face as she peeks into Gon’s room. Killua bites his lip and turns his head away, annoyed but not wanting to start up another argument.

“What is it, Mito-san?” Gon asks, smiling innocently up at her as he shifts away from Killua’s sulking form.

Mito-san’s forced smile becomes a little more real at that, though it’s gone as soon as it came as she sighs in exasperation. “Alluka told me that the two of you were having a moment, but it looks like she misunderstood.”

Killua jolts at the reminder that her sister had passed by the room- _her_ room now, though it’s temporarily his and Gon’s again- and guiltily looks back at Mito-san with an apologetic and hesitant smile. “Sorry?”

“I’m aware that friends fight sometimes, but the two of you,” she trails off, frowning a bit, making both him and Gon bow their heads in embarrassment. “This is a bit too much, isn’t it?”

“Killua’s fun to rile up, so…”

“Fun-?! You!”

“Sorry!”

Gon laughs when Killua tackles him with a pillow, yelping loudly when Killua accidentally elbows his side when they roll on the bed.

“Ow!”

“It’s your fault-”

“ _You_ hit me with your elbows!”

“ _You_ were the one who said I was fun to rile up!”

“But you look funny when you’re embarrassed- mmph!”

Killua struggles and fails to keep his expression straight as he muffles Gon’s voice with a pillow. To think, this guy was someone he-

“Gon! Killua!”

Killua freezes, his grip on the pillow loosening enough for Gon to push it away easily. He slowly turns his head to look at Mito-san, before flinching when she narrows her eyes at him.

“Dinner is ready,” she says, a little calmer though still as scary as ever as she folds her arms over her chest. “So could the two of you please come down without a fuss?”

“Yes ma’am,” they say with simultaneous nods, waiting for her to smile and walk away before slouching over in defeat with twin sighs of relief.

Killua hops off of the bed as soon as he hears Mito-san’s footsteps reaching the bottom of the stairs. Admittedly, both of the arguments from earlier were childish and unnecessary, and he should’ve known better considering how he’s not twelve anymore- but, _but_ , as whiny as it sounds, he honestly can’t help from getting caught up in Gon’s pace.

Hell, he’s sure that anyone else would agree with him on that.

“I lied,” Gon says without preamble, making Killua pause on his way to the door.

“About what?” Killua asks, curious.

“About your face being funny when you’re embarrassed,” Gon tells him, smiling widely as he slides off the bed and heads for the door.

“I think it’s really cute when you’re embarrassed, actually.”

It’s too late when Killua tries to throw a pillow at him, Gon having run for it as soon as he said those words, probably knowing that Killua would react in the way that he did.

“Shit,” Killua grumbles to himself, picking up the pillow and setting it back on the bed lest Mito-san check on the room and see the mess he’d made.

He’s a little grateful that Gon left before he could see the face Killua made at his confession.

 

* * *

 

Gon has always known that a lot of people on Whale Island like to gossip considering how their little island doesn’t get much action, but that doesn’t mean that he’s completely fine with it- with the negative sort of rumours, especially. And yet, for all that he has thought of disliking it, he’s never been able to do anything about it, other than correct what he could of the circulating rumours. It’s not like he could tell everyone to stop and assume that they’ll do what he says, after all. He knows better than that.

Still, the rumours are a bit too difficult to stomach when they’re about his best friend.

“Didn’t you hear? That white-haired boy that Mito-san’s taken in, I hear he’s a Zoldyck.”

“Zoldyck?”

“Oh dear, you haven’t heard?” At this, the old lady lowers her voice, though Gon can (unfortunately enough) still hear her, “They’re a family of assassins. You’d think it’s ridiculous,” she goes on to say before her friend can give a reply, “but it’s true! Go on and ask any of the crewmates on that ship.” She gestures with a wave of her hand to the visiting ship docked on their harbor.

Gon frowns. He knows that she doesn’t know any better, but still. It’s mean to assume things about Killua without ever meeting him in person, isn’t it?

“Well then, I’ll leave you to it. I-”

“-oof!”

Gon blinks. Killua, who he hadn’t even noticed being there, reels back after having the old lady bump into him. It’s…a little too realistic than what Gon is used to, but he knows better than to think that Killua was seriously affected by it. She’s just a harmless lady, after all.

But then, why would he act like that?

“Oh, sorry, young man,” the old lady begins as she turns to face him, before trailing off when she notices that she bumped into the white-haired boy she’d been talking about earlier. “Ah.”

She honestly starts to pale, and Gon almost makes to step in, knowing well enough that Killua doesn’t like being talked about behind his back.

“Nah, I’m sorry for not noticing you there, miss,” Killua smiles, waving off her concern with a pale hand. Gon hesitates, before stopping completely as he crouches down and hides behind a crate of vegetables. Maybe Killua could handle it after all? Killua goes on to say, “I guess I got a bit distracted. The fish here are really weird,” and he looks over to the table of fish being sold, a curious look on his face.

An _honestly_ curious look on his face, oddly enough.

Gon feels a little bit insecure, thinking that maybe Killua has been keeping some secrets. He’d have asked Gon about the creatures in Whale Island if he wanted to know about them, wouldn’t he?

“Oh?” The lady inquires, looking a little more curious than pale now. “You haven’t seen these sort of fish yet?”

“Mm, nope,” he drawls, tilting his head to the right as he squints at one of the larger whiskered fish. “Is it normal for them to be this big?”

“Why, yes! The water around Whale Island is neatly filtered by the sponges underwater, so the fish are always healthy. That’s why they grow that large.”

“Ohh,” Killua nods, regarding the fish with what seemed to be _awe._ “That’s cool. My best friend-” is it just him, or does Killua actually look proud then? “-said that he caught the Master of the Swamp once. So it’s normal for fish to grow that big?”

“Ah, that’s a special case!” The lady immediately exclaims, looking more relaxed now as she takes up the space beside Killua. She turns to her friend before she can explain anything and says, “I’m so sorry for holding you up, dear. About what we were talking about earlier…”

Her friend gives a little laugh. “Oh, that? I’d say that those were just rumours. It’s Killua, isn’t it?” She asks Killua, who grins and nods to her. “I’ve already met him a couple of days ago,” she tells the old lady.

“Mmhm!” Killua hums, stuffing both of his hands in his pockets as was his habit. “Thanks again for telling me where they sold chocolates, miss.”

“Not a problem, Killua,” she said with a smile. “I’ll be off, then! Can’t keep the kids waiting at home, can I?”

“Definitely not,” the old lady says, waving to her friend in goodbye, before turning to Killua with a smile. “I guess I was wrong about you, huh?”

“Wrong?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she laughs and waves a hand in dismissal at her previous statement. “You seem like such a sweet boy.”

“I try,” he says with a grin.

 _Oh_ , Gon thinks then, finally realizing just what it is Killua’s up to. No wonder he wasn’t losing his temper on anyone.

Gon watches them until the old lady leaves, at which point he stands up from his hiding place to go ahead and swing an arm around and over Killua’s shoulder.

“You are _such_ a liar, Killua,” Gon teases, laughing when Killua smirks at him while elbowing him gently in the side.

“What can I say? People love me.”

“You’re just doing this for the chocolate, you sneak.”

“It’s not my fault they like kids like me, Gon,” Killua says matter-of-factly.

“Well,” Gon hums, grinning as he squeezes Killua close before letting him go, “I guess this is fine.”

Killua raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Gon nods and takes a step back, rocking on his heels as he clasps both of his hands behind his back. “I’m happy that the people here like you.”

He laughs when Killua squints at him. “Seriously! People shouldn’t judge you for your last name. You’re really nice, after all. Gentle, overly concer-mmph!”

“Enough!” Killua says, voice unintentionally high-pitched as he keeps Gon’s mouth shut with a hand. “That’s enough, Gon.”

Gon’s eyebrows furrow upward at that and he tries to speak, despite the hand blocking his mouth, “Mm!”

“You,” Killua says, gritting his teeth in between words, “need to learn when to stop.”

“But-!” Gon says as soon as Killua removes his hand, before shutting up when Killua holds up his open palm.

“I’m going to go buy chocolate. You go…do what you want.”

“I’ll come along!” Gon immediately insists, smiling when Killua makes a face at him.

“Tch. Fine,” Killua grumbles while going on ahead of him.

“You can’t always eat chocolate, you know.”

“I’ll do what I want.”

“It’s bad for your health, Killua,” Gon whines, hiding a laugh when Killua squints at him in annoyance.

“Did I let you come along to tell me what to do?”

“You’re not a kid anymore, _Ki-llu-a,_ ” Gon enunciates slowly.

“That doesn’t mean that I have to stop eating chocolate.”

“It also means that you need to think more about your health! I’m worried about you, you know.”

“Yeah, well.”

A pause.

Gon cocks his head in confusion. _Well what?_

“Whatever,” Killua mumbles with his head bowed. “I’m still gonna buy ChocoRobo-kun.”

Gon smiles in amusement at that. He thinks he knows just what sort of expression Killua is wearing right now, though he can’t be completely sure. Killua always hides his face whenever Gon tries to get a good look at him.

He’s probably hiding a smile and trying not to be flustered about it. It’s a cute look on him, and Gon likes it best whenever he’s flustered about something because it means that he’s _happy_ , and he just isn’t used to it.

Gon hopes that Killua will get used to it. He deserves to be happy, after all.

 

* * *

  

“Stop that.”

“Mm, no,” Gon mumbles into Killua’s back. He wiggles his feet against Killua’s and laughs when Killua smacks him on the arm in reply. “Meanie.”

“Are you five?” Killua says with a frown, turning around just enough to be able to look at Gon, who doesn’t move from his place one bit. Killua rolls his eyes when Gon squeezes him closer. “I am not your teddy bear, Gon.”

“But you’re so fluffy-looking,” Gon tells him, peeking up at him with just his gaze. He sighs before nuzzling his nose into Killua’s arm, smelling his sweet scent tinged with something new- but not, because Gon is sure he’s smelled this scent before.

It smells like home, he thinks.

“You’re ridiculous,” Killua mumbles, sounding annoyed as he tries to pry Gon’s arms from around his stomach, only to fail when Gon doesn’t budge an inch. “Gon, really?”

“Mmm.”

“Get a teddy bear if you want something to cuddle, you idiot. Don’t make me your substitute.”

“But I want to hug you because you’re _you_ ,” Gon tells him, assured that Killua can feel his smile when he keeps his face pressed against Killua’s arm.

“…”

Gon tries to take a peek at Killua’s face, only to fail with a yelp when Killua smacks him in the face with a pillow. “Wh- Killua!”

“Go to sleep,” Killua tells him in a loud voice, having already turned his back to Gon completely before Gon could take a good look at him. _No fair,_ Gon thinks to himself with a pout. Did Killua not like it that much?

He frowns at that. That’s probably not it…right? Killua couldn’t hate being held that much, could he?

“Hey, Killua.”

“What.”

Gon’s frown deepens at the lack of intonation. “Killua,” he tries again, thinking that it’d be better to get an annoyed Killua than an angry Killua. There is a difference from having Killua be embarrassed about something to having him honestly dislike something, and Gon _knows_ the difference.

“ _What_?” Killua says again while turning to look at him. Gon grins in reply and Killua sighs in exasperation. “Did you seriously even have something to say, or do you just like to annoy me?”

“I really like this,” Gon says as he raises his arms from Killua’s waist a bit, referring to his one-sided embrace around Killua as “this.”

“…I can tell,” Killua says after a pause, the corners of his lips twitching a bit as though he were keeping himself from smiling.

Gon relaxes at that. “I like it because it’s you. I mean it.”

“You are such a _sap_ , Gon,” Killua tells him. He looks like he’s trying his hardest not to feel embarrassed from the way he bites his lower lip. “Is that all?”

“Are you happy, Killua?”

“What?” Killua looks surprised at that, his eyebrows furrowing upward in confusion as he shifts in Gon’s embrace. He sighs when he realizes how difficult it is to look at Gon from his position. He turns around, hesitantly so, before awkwardly setting both of his hands close to his chest as he looks at Gon. “What’s that question for?”

“I want to know if you’re happy with this,” _with me,_ Gon doesn’t say, but he thinks Killua gets it when his eyes widen in response. “Are you?”

“Do you really have to ask that sort of thing?”

“Yes.”

Killua stiffens when he notices the seriousness in Gon’s eyes. He forces himself to relax eventually, which Gon can tell from how he rolls his arms to ease the tension in his shoulders.

“Yeah, I am.”

Gon smiles at the answer. “I’m glad.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?” Gon asks, confused.

Killua sighs loudly. “Are you happy, Gon.”

Gon makes a small noise of understanding at the intoned question. “Yeah, of course! I’m happy that I get to be with Killua.”

“ _Sap_ ,” Killua says with an affectionate sort of exasperation, before closing his eyes with a yawn. “We should go to sleep. I promised Alluka that I’d hang out with her tomorrow.”

“Can I come too?”

“Are you dumb?” He flicks a finger at Gon’s forehead, earning a whine of pain in response. ”At least let me have _some_ privacy with my sister. You’ve already taken two of my days with her for yourself.”

“Mean,” Gon grumbles at him, not really annoyed as he is pretending to be, because this is just part of their banter as best friends.

The pout on his face eventually makes way for a smile when he realizes that Killua honestly does plan to sleep in his embrace. He’s not even trying to pull away from Gon, after all.

“So fluffy,” Gon says, shifting so that he could nuzzle his face into Killua’s fluffy hair. His arms, which were around Killua’s waist, slide up until his left arm is under Killua’s neck while his other arm is around his upper back. Killua makes a small noise of complaint at the movement but doesn’t push him away. “Your hair smells so nice, Killua,” he murmurs, sleepy and satisfied.

“That’s gross,” Killua says, voice muffled by Gon’s chest as Gon holds him close. “Just go to sleep, Gon.”

“Mm, okay.” He yawns and closes his eyes, licking his lips as he props his chin up on the top of Killua’s head. “Hey, Killua,” he mumbles sleepily after a moment.

“What _now_?” Killua grumbles, pinching at Gon’s arm and earning a small “ow!” in turn.

“We should thank Palm,” Gon mumbles, pouting as he rubs at his pinched arm.

“I already have.”

“I said _we_ , Killua.”

“ _Fine,_ ” Killua mumbles grumpily into Gon’s chest, before moving his arms so that they’re both wrapped and squeezing around the middle of Gon’s back. “Go to _sleep_ , Gon. We both have her number, so we’ll thank her for protecting Alluka and Mito-san tomorrow morning.”

“Mm’kay.” Gon smiles. He nuzzles into Killua’s hair one last time, before letting out another yawn and making himself comfy, shifting his legs enough so that they aren’t completely tangled with Killua’s.

“Good night, Killua.”

Feeling timorous, Killua whispers in a soft voice, “…good night, Gon.”

The rhythmic pattering of the rain was not disturbed, nor was the comfortable silence in their room, when Killua spoke.

And so, he slept, relieved and content as he reveled in the warmth his best friend provided.

 

* * *

 

 When Killua looks up at the night sky, dark and yet so bright with stars, he wonders if it would be an apt metaphor for what he and Gon were-  _are,_ still.

“Onii-chan,” Alluka whispers, feeling more inclined to be quiet in the midst of the night sky and the nigh quiet forest. Killua appreciates the distraction from his thoughts, if only because he doesn’t want to go down that road yet.

“Mm? What is it, Alluka?” Killua murmurs back, following her example as he smiles down at her. She smiles back, perfectly comfortable on his lap even though she’s not as small as she was before.

“I like looking at the stars with you,” she tells him, content as she further wiggles into the warmth of his chest. “It’s nice.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

“You’ve looked at them with Gon too, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I have,” Killua says, a bit bemused at the non sequitur. “Why do you ask?”

“With the same fire, and the same stars…”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m glad I get to enjoy the same things as Gon does with onii-chan.”

“A-ah, me too,” Killua mumbles, surprised at her words. _Was she jealous?_ He frowns at the thought. What kind of brother was he to make her feel that way?

“You don’t have to look like that, onii-chan,” Alluka tells him with an amused smile, looking up at him as she pats him on the cheek. “I said that I was glad, didn’t I? You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“I wasn’t worrying…that much,” he adds with a sheepish smile when she pouts at him. “I’m sorry, Alluka.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“But-”

“You’re happy, aren’t you?”

Killua frowns at the question, although he nods as an answer. “I am.”

“Then I’m happy too. I’m happy that Gon makes you happy.”

“That doesn’t-”

“ _Onii-chan_ ,” Alluka says, firm in her tone as she pulls away from his embrace to frown at him. “You don’t have to hide it. I know.”

“Still,” his voice tapers into silence as he lowers his gaze to his lap. He looks up when she cups his cheeks with her hands, her smile so very warm and kind that it makes him wonder what he did to deserve her in his life.

“I make you happy, and Gon does too. You don’t have to choose just one.”

“Don’t I?” He whispers, voice coming out croaky as he lowers his gaze again, only to have it shifted back to Alluka’s face when she forces him to look up.

When he looks into her eyes he remembers blue skies, bright and beautiful and so _her_ , and Killua feels himself succumbing to guilt. The weight that had always been on his shoulders, the sky always feeling so heavy on his back is _light_ now, because of her and Gon by his side.

“Onii-chan,” she says, eyes becoming teary as she looks at him, and Killua feels himself becoming teary-eyed too- the feeling inexplicable and unstoppable as he watches her smile at him. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“Alluka,” he whispers her name, almost like a prayer as he raises both of his shaky hands to clasp them around hers.

“You don’t have to be lonely. You have me and Nanika, and Gon, and Mito-san- you have so many friends now, onii-chan,” she tells him with a sniffle as teardrops trail down her cheeks. “You can be happy. Nanika thinks so too.”

“Does she?” Killua says, laughing as he tastes the salt of his own tears on his lips. Alluka blinks and Nanika is in her place, her eyes void and black but still so full- with concern, love, affection-, and Killua feels all of it being directed at him.

“I like you, Killua,” she tells him, smiling as Killua squeezes her hands in his. “I like it when you’re happy.”

“I like it when you’re happy too, Nanika,” he says, smiling despite how ridiculous he feels because the tears are still there, trickling down his cheeks like the little traitors that they are. He opens his arms to her and she hugs him, happy and content as she nuzzles into his chest like a kitten. “I’m happy that I have you and Alluka.”

She is quiet for a moment except for her small satisfied noises, her eyes closed as she basks in his warmth. Killua laughs softly, petting Nanika’s hair with a gentle hand.

“And Gon.” Alluka is the one who speaks this time, her smile a cheeky one as she looks up at him. “You can’t forget Gon, onii-chan.”

“As if I could,” and he laughs, laughing even more when she laughs with him.

“Did you know? What Gon told me about the rain?”

“What?” He says, sniffling as he wipes away the tears from his eyes and hers.

“He told me that you look sad whenever it rains,” Alluka tells him, her eyes closing as soon as Killua finishes wiping away her tears. “And he didn’t like it. He likes it when it rains, after all.”

“He didn’t tell me that,” he says absently, distracted as he pushes away the strands of black locks falling in Alluka’s face. He didn’t like the rain for good reason (memories of death, of killing at far too young an age, of blood and _mistakes_ ), but for Gon to have noticed that…

“He said that he liked it because it made everything a little colder, and it gave him an excuse to cuddle with you,” she adds.

He sputters in surprise at those words and looks down at Alluka, only to choke back a laugh when she grins widely at him. “ _You-_ ”

“I wasn’t lying,” she tells him with an innocent smile. “I can understand why Gon likes rain. Onii-chan’s hugs are very nice.”

“You’ve been with him too much,” he tells her, the bridge of his nose wrinkling as he makes a face at her. “You shouldn’t tease me like that, Alluka.”

“I think I know why Gon does that a lot, now,” Alluka says instead, smiling when Killua raises an eyebrow at her in question. “Onii-chan is very cute when he gets embarrassed.”

“Okay, that’s it,” he says, grinning as he tickles her by her sides. She shrieks in her laughter as she struggles uselessly against him with her hands pounding weakly on his arms.

“O-Onii-chan! I give up!” She squeaks, panting for breath even as Killua laughs and holds her close. “So _mean_ ,” she whines into his chest.

“That’s because you were teasing me,” Killua tells her in a satisfied hum, smiling as he presses a light kiss on the top of her head. “So don’t do that again, okay?”

“Ehh,” she whines louder this time, nuzzling her face into his chest. “That’s even meaner!”

“All’s fair in love and war,” he says with a grin as he pats her on the head.

He’s laughing about it now, but he’s definitely going to have a talk with Gon about being a bad influence on his little sister.

One Gon is enough for him in this lifetime, honestly. He doesn’t think he can handle one more.


	2. the definition of not leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to [Gee Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for being an awesome friend and being patient with me as I wrote this!
> 
> I edited the first chapter title of this fic if anyone has noticed, and it's based on a song by Hands Like Houses, which is [The House You Built](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRiP3Mr3JsM). As for this chapter's title, it's taken from Hands Like Houses' song, [The Definition of Not Leaving](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxnyZKU-B7c).
> 
> Prompts:  
> 6\. Why did he bring me here?  
> 7\. I keep having the same dream.  
> 8\. I always knew this would come back to haunt me.  
> 9\. How did the windows get so dirty?  
> 10\. I don't think they've mowed their lawn in weeks.

“ _Let’s meet up at the World Tree._ ”

_“What? I’m leaving Alluka with Mito-san, you could just meet me there-”_

_“Killua.”_

_“…”_

_“It has to be here.”_

_“…just like before, huh? You’re so selfish.”_

_“I’m sorry. But…it has to be here, Killua. I want to see you here.”_

_“…no.”_

_“Killua, please?”_

_“Give me a legitimate reason. I’ve had enough with saying yes to everything you want.”_

_“Heh. I didn’t think you’d say that.”_

_“Even_ I _have my limits, Gon.”_

_“…I know. But I have to meet you here.”_

_“Tell me_ why. _”_

_“When we meet, I’ll tell you. I promise. Please, Killua.”_

_“…tch. Fine. I’ll see you at the World Tree, then.”_

_You know that I can’t resist you, you stubborn idiot,_ Killua hadn’t said then. If he had, it would’ve been a little like giving himself up; _everything_ , even the parts of him that he had yet to even show to Gon.

And that was already too much, even for him. He loved- _loves_ Gon, but not enough to give away everything.

(He says as much, but who was he kidding? He may as well just give up his whole life to the obstinate kid.)

“Onii-chan,” Alluka whines, waking him up from his daydream with a tug on his arm. “You can daydream about Gon later! You’re already going to leave with him later, anyway.”

“I- I wasn’t,” he stutters. _Shit._ He’s absolutely pathetic. The _worst_ kind of brother, really. “Just…thinking about things,” he says, which isn’t a complete lie. He pats her one the head with a smile when she pouts at him. “It’s true.”

“Gon gets to spend all of his time with you, onii-chan,” she whines again, all while nuzzling her forehead into his arm. He winces at the embarrassing truth of her words. “Think about me too!”

“Who says I wasn’t thinking about you?”

“You had that look on your face like you were angry,” she points out, and he coughs.

“Well, that’s…”

“Are you still angry, onii-chan?”

“What?”

“Angry at Gon,” she remedies, smiling softly at him when he looks at her with wide eyes.

“I,” he trails off, looking away from her to look out at the wide ocean, not wanting her to see how conflicted he still was about it. “I’m…not, I think. Not anymore. Just a bit annoyed that he’s still such a big idiot, I guess.”

If he were asked at an earlier time, he might’ve said that he was without hesitation. As it is, with all of the time he’s spent with Gon recently…it’s become so much harder to forget how happy the other boy made him.

“That’s why he needs you, right?” She tells him. He chokes on his words at her blunt observation.

“I. What.”

“He needs you to keep him from doing stupid things,” she points out. He swallows, turning his surely flushing face away because he doesn’t want her to see how embarrassing he looks.

“He’s not _that_ much of an idiot,” he mumbles, scratching at his temple with his free hand.

“But enough of one to make you want to stay by his side, right?”

“ _Where_ are you getting all of these ideas,” he says instead of asks, trying his hardest to will away the burning feeling in his cheeks when he rubs at his face in annoyance. He could tell her that the redness was because of his exposure to the sun, but that would be a load of bull considering how sensitive they _both_ are to over-exposure. Damn it.

“Mito-san told me that I’m very good at noticing things,” she says with a cheeky grin, before squeaking in surprise when he pulls his arm from her grasp to ruffle her neat hair. “Onii-chan!”

“You are too smart for your own good,” he says, grinning despite the flush on his cheeks when she sticks out her tongue at him.

She sighs and says, once she’s done patting her hair down, “But you’re proud of me, aren’t you?”

The grin on his face softens ever so gradually when she looks up at him with a hopeful look. He was, most likely, never going to stop being weak to her and Gon. It was pitiful of him, but he could live with it. He’s lived with it for so long that it wouldn’t change anything if he remained this way for longer, anyway. “Yeah,” he murmurs, patting the top of her head gently. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Yay!”

“Wai- oof!”

He grunts when she jumps into his arms, shaking his head to keep her hair out of his face as hugs him- _hard._ “I love you a lot, onii-chan!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sniffs, holding her around her waist as she hugs his head to her chest. Thank god he wasn’t the average teenager; he’d have dropped her by now if he were any less strong. “I love you too.”

She beamed at him. Then, “But, but!”

“But what?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed as he cranes his neck back to look up at her.

“You _still_ haven’t told me what happened when you met with Gon, onii-chan,” she tells him with a disappointed look, her lips downturned into a frown and her eyebrows furrowed in the same way.

“I punched him,” he tells her point-blank. He laughs when she gasps in surprise. “You _did_ ask.”

“Why would you do that?”

“He kind of deserves it,” he tells her, gently setting her down to her feet and watching as she pats her dress down. “And he told me that he did, too.” He smiles wryly. “He punched me back, anyway.”

“Still,” she pouts. “I thought the two of you would be happier than that.”

“There was a lot of pent-up anger,” he explains, smiling in amusement when she blinks at him in interest. “We were happy later anyway, so it’s fine.”

“Well,” she murmurs thoughtfully whilst looking down at her feet. She looks up at him with a grin when she says, “If you’re both happy now, then that’s good too.”

“Mmhmm.”

“But why the World Tree?”

“Huh? Oh, that.” He stifles a snort when he remembers Gon’s explanation for his ludicrous request. “It was a dumb reason.”

_“So.”_

_“So?” Gon echoed, panting for breath even as he remained lying on the edge of the bird nest they’d raced to get to together._

_“Why here?”_

_“Ah.”_

_“Ah?” Killua echoed mockingly, grinning when Gon turned to make an annoyed face at him, the bridge of his nose wrinkled as he squinted._

_“I thought it would be nice,” Gon said. “Meeting you again in the place where we parted ways.”_

_“…that’s a lame reason.” Killua managed to croak out, turning his head away so that Gon couldn’t see the look on his face._

_“Is it really?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Well,” Gon huffed. He was frowning when Killua turned to look at him again, Killua having already calmed himself enough to keep his expression neutral. “I don’t care. I still think it’s nice.”_

_“Mm. I guess it sort of is.”_

_And Gon had smiled at him, still so child-like even with the years that they’ve matured, and Killua felt something inside him break._

He never really stopped loving Gon, as much as he irritated Killua with his obstinacy.

He sighs, says, “He said that it would be nice, meeting me again in the place where we separated. What an insensitive guy,” because Gon truly, _truly_ is, even though he means well.

“But it’s sort of nice, isn’t it?”

He blinks at that, before looking down at her with a raised eyebrow.

“What? It is!” She huffs, cheeks puffing up in annoyance. She looks cute despite how angry she’s trying to look, and Killua can’t help from laughing.

He grins, not really trying to dodge the weak smacks she does on his arms. “It is, it is,” he tells her, smiling still even as she raises an eyebrow in mild disbelief.

If only this sort of happiness could last forever.

 

* * *

 

“Killua.”

“Mm?”

Killua blinks his bleary eyes open, sighs when he feels a comforting kind of warmth envelop him, and hums- because humans don’t ( _can’t_ ) purr, that’s ridiculous- when a gentle hand plays with his hair.

“You’re mine, right?”

He laughs, for some reason. Dimly, he thinks that there’s something wrong with this situation- but it _feels_ normal, so he goes along with it. “Are you an idiot?” He says, raising an eyebrow up at Gon.

Gon looks oddly serious when he speaks, though his hand is still gentle as it cards through Killua’s hair. “I’m serious, Killua. You’re mine, aren’t you? No one else’s?”

“Mm, yeah,” Killua hums, nuzzling into Gon’s chest and sighing when he feels Gon pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I’ve been yours since forever, so I don’t know why you have to ask me that.”

“But Illumi wants you. He took you from me once.”

Killua laughs harder at that. This whole conversation still feels out of place, inexplicably so, but he still says, “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“That’s true,” Gon murmurs. “You won’t leave me again, will you? Like you did when you chose Alluka?”

“You know why I did that,” Killua says, tone unamused as he tilts his head back to get a better look of Gon’s face. Gon frowns at his words and he adds, “I love you, but I can’t be with you when I’m protecting my sister. You do too many stupid things.”

“But that’s why you’re here, right?” Gon asks him, the hand that had been on Killua’s back moving up until it’s idly caressing his cheek. “You keep me from doing stupid things.”

Somehow, the words feel familiar, but Killua just can’t place it. The thought fades as soon as it appears and Killua frowns at Gon’s certainty. “I can’t always keep you from hurting yourself, though.”

“You could. You can.”

“Yeah?” Killua sniffs, rolling his eyes at the very thought. “How?”

“You could tell me that you love me.”

Killua raises an eyebrow in bemusement. “But I’ve already told you that.”

“Have you really?”

Gon doesn’t look as serious as he did before when he speaks, his brown eyes looking livelier and less empty as he smiles softly. He asks, his hand still so warm on Killua’s cheek, “Are you sure, Killua?”

“I…”

“Killua?”

“Nn?”

Killua groans when he feels a calloused but gentle hand graze his temple. He blinks; twice, thrice, before fully awakening and setting his gaze on Gon’s smiling face. He blinks again in bewilderment. “Wha-?”

“Sorry I woke you,” Gon says with a sheepish smile, pulling his hand back to settle it on his hip.

 _Woke me?_ Killua squints at him, confused, until he looks down at himself and remembers just where he is. He’s still wearing his turtleneck shirt, there’s a blanket covering him from the waist down, the ground is hard and cold and definitely wood...

It was all a _dream._

 _Fuck,_ he hisses in his head as he slumps back into the ground and hides himself under the sheets. It was _that_ dream again. Again! And no matter how many times he’s dreamt it, it always seems like the scene is new to him when he starts dreaming, which is why he can’t force himself to wake up from it.

“Killua? Are you okay? I’m really sorry I woke you,” Gon says, sounding less than cheery as he fidgets with his half of the blanket.

“It’s fine,” Killua says from under the sheets. He’d stay in hiding if he could, but that was obviously impossible. Still, he could try for the days that they’d spend on this ship heading for Dolle Harbor. “Just…let me sleep some more.”

“Eh? But Killua,” Gon whines and then, without warning, there’s something heavy on him, warm and comfortable as it wraps around his covered form.

Killua struggles not to throw Gon off, if only because that would involve kicking the blanket off too. “ _What?_ ”

“It’s already morning, we should go explore!”

“Go explore on your own,” Killua grumbles, only to squeak in surprise when Gon pokes at his side with a finger. “Gon!”

“Come on, Killua,” Gon pleads while shaking Killua by the arm. “It’s so boring when I’m alone!”

“Go find someone else!”

“I don’t _want to_!”

“You’re so selfish!”

“It’s no fun when it’s not you, Killua,” Gon whines again, all while enveloping Killua in a tight hug. Killua groans at the strength in Gon’s grip- not because it really hurts, but because it’s slightly uncomfortable _and_ it’s testing his self-control. The sleeping together and the _hugging_ whilst asleep (which was still reasonable, considering how cold it got during nighttime) was already taking a toll on his sanity; Killua would really rather not deal with more hugging whilst awake.

“No,” he repeats, gritting his teeth when he feels Gon nuzzling into his hair through the sheets.

It takes a while for the physical assault to stop, and when it does completely, Killua sighs out loud. Gon makes a small noise at the sigh and Killua can tell; he was disappointed that he couldn’t make him give in.

“Are you really tired?”

“Huh?”

“You don’t usually like sleeping in,” Gon says, sounding thoughtful as he shifts a bit to give Killua his space. He’s still there, though; Killua can see his silhouette lying on his side through the thin sheets.

“How are you sure that I don’t?”

“…hm.”

Killua scoffs at the lack of a proper answer.

“Still,” Gon grumbles. “You’re usually excited when we get to explore places. This ship is new too!”

And that’s true. Hell, Killua would have woken up before Gon to explore the ship- if he _hadn’t_ dreamed that stupid dream again. How could he even look Gon in the face when the dream was still so fresh in his mind?

“You really don’t want to go?” Gon tries again, and by the sound of his pleading voice, he’s probably pulling his puppy dog eyes to try and sway him. As if Killua could actually see him through the sheets.

“Still sleepy,” he said, faking a yawn as he rolls over on his side until he has his back turned to Gon. “Go ‘head and explore if you want to, I’m not gonna stop you.”

“Fine.”

There’s the sound of rustling, and then silence.

 _Why,_ Killua asks himself, trying his hardest not to react even when he feels Gon’s breath on his nape.

“Then I’m sleeping in too,” Gon says, sounding immensely satisfied in his decision as he wraps an arm around Killua’s waist.

“ _Fine,_ ” Killua grumbles as he lowers the blanket off his face, not wanting to prolong the argument further. Gon is surely grinning from the giggles Killua can hear coming from him.

Killua hides a smile as he covers his face with his arm.

For all his seeming annoyance, he honestly is happy about being with Gon like this. The physical contact, the bantering, the closeness that remained between them despite the years that passed; he was happy. He is immeasurably happy, even.

But he has to pretend. He _has_ to. He can’t help from thinking, as childish as the thought is, that things would vanish from his grasp as soon as he admitted to loving all of it.

It hurt. It hurt so badly that sometimes, he wondered just how horrible the consequences would be if he admitted to cherishing this happiness. He wondered if it could be worth it, just so Gon would know how important he was to him.

But he couldn’t do that. Not yet.

He still wasn’t ready.

 

* * *

  

Killua had complained about that recurring dream of a possessive Gon who was oddly cryptic with him, but he’d prefer it- he’d choose to have it, over and over again if he could- just so he wouldn’t have this one nightmare.

He’s crying when he wakes, his hands trembling when he raises them up over his face. It’s a quiet type of weeping, the tears rolling down the side of his face like quiet dew drops when he blinks.

It’s been so long since he last had a nightmare of Gon, so much larger and stronger than him, destroying Neferpitou and himself- _almost_ \- had it not been for Alluka’s help. He still remembers flashes of it even if he doesn’t want to, remembers the ringing in his ears when he tried to save Gon but could only watch as he lost his right arm as Kite had, and the strength of the explosion that had him stumbling back as he screamed Gon’s name.

He laughs quietly to himself, clenches his eyes shut as he buries his face in his shaking palms. It was _his_ fault that he couldn’t stop Gon, after all. Maybe it was just to have him suffer like this, to have him recall something he wants so much to forget. Maybe he _does_ deserve it.

“Killua?”

He freezes at the call. How could he have forgotten? He isn’t alone now- and Gon is _alive._ That’s what matters. He quietly sniffles and wipes away the tears from his face as discreetly as possible. He says, opting to keep it short lest his voice crack and Gon notice that he was crying, “Yeah?”

His shoulders grow tense when he feels Gon’s arms slowly, carefully winding themselves around his waist, and he sucks in a breath. “Gon..?”

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong,” Gon says, breath fanning over Killua’s skin, making Killua shiver in surprise as Gon tugs him closer. Warm lips press onto his nape; cool to the touch because of his nightmare, and Killua’s breath hitches, his heartbeat stuttering in his chest as he opens his eyes even though he can’t see Gon from where he is.

“You don’t have to talk. But,” Gon whispers, every word sending vibrations through Killua’s skin, “I wish you would. You’ve done so much for me, Killua. I want to help.”

 _But I don’t even know how to help myself,_ Killua thinks, clenching his eyes shut until new tears roll down his face, still warm over his skin as he breathes in shakily.

“This is fine, right?” Gon asks, sending another shiver down Killua’s spine as he unintentionally presses a kiss to his nape. “Me holding you. I hope it’s helping.”

“Y-yeah,” Killua manages to say, swallowing through his parched throat as he lets himself relax in Gon’s embrace. “This is…fine.”

Killua feels the smile on Gon’s lips through his skin, and he feels himself flush red. From embarrassment, or something else, he isn’t quite sure. “I’m glad. I like helping you, but I usually can’t. You’re so strong,” Gon tells him, making Killua smile wryly at his choice in words. “You’ve always been smarter and stronger than me.”

“I wonder about that,” Killua whispers, more to himself than to Gon.

“You are.” Gon’s arm squeezes minutely around his waist and he feels Gon bow his head until the warmth of his lips is no longer on his nape. He misses the contact for only a second, until Gon speaks, “You’ve always been strong, Killua. I’m glad you chose me as your friend.”

“…I’m glad you chose me too,” he admits. He cracks a smile when Gon giggles behind him.

After a while, hesitantly, he asks, “Hey, Gon..?”

Gon raises his head, just as Killua had expected him to. “Yeah?”

He turns around instead of giving an answer, not letting Gon have the chance to see his tear-tracked face as he embraces him, his face hidden in Gon’s chest as he wraps his arms around his back. He squeezes his arms around him, just once, before he relaxes again.

“Killua?” Gon asks. He doesn’t try to push Killua away; instead, he raises a hand to card it through Killua’s hair, gentle as Killua had known it would be.

“Let me hug you for a while,” Killua whispers in a rush, feeling his face and the tips of his ears burn with embarrassment as he buries his head a little further into Gon’s chest. “Please.”

Gon laughs softly, not at all trying to mock him as he nuzzles into Killua’s hair. “Sure, I don’t mind.” His hand which had been on Killua’s hair is flat on the back of his head now, cradling him close as if he were something precious.

It makes him want to cry harder, just a little bit.

“Thanks,” he manages to croak out, a teary smile on his face as he squeezes his arms once more around Gon’s back.

Gon doesn’t say anything, only hums a soft tune under his breath as he holds Killua close. Killua basks in the comfortable silence, letting the soothing rhythm of Gon’s heartbeat lull him into calmness. It’s still so new to him no matter what he does, no matter how much he thinks he’s used to it; this warm and fragile but still so precious feeling that Gon gives to him.

“I’ve changed,” Gon whispers, making Killua blink into awareness as he listens to what Gon has to say. “I’ve learned, Killua. I won’t hurt you again. I _won’t._ I promise.”

“You didn’t-”

“I did, and you know it,” Gon insists, not at all forceful as he bows his head into Killua’s white tufts. “I’m still sorry about that. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen.”

“Yeah, well,” Killua laughs wryly, hands curling into fists over Gon’s back, “that’s over now. I won’t let you do anything stupid again.”

“…but it’s not over to you, is it?”

“What?”

Killua sucks in a breath when Gon practically crushes him closer, his arm around Killua’s waist wound tightly around him but his calloused palm still so careful and tender on the back of his head. Killua clenches his eyes shut and tries not to cry but fails, wretchedly so, and a hiccup escapes from his mouth as though to tell him- brutally and painfully honest-, _you’re weak. Pitiful._

 “I’m so sorry for leaving,” Gon whispers, breath hot on Killua’s scalp as he speaks. “I’m so sorry, Killua.” His body is warm against Killua’s, comfortable and alive, and Killua tries not to laugh bitterly. To think, this warm body was so cold years ago when Killua held him.

“Don’t apologize,” Killua breathes out, trying not to sob as he buries his face into Gon’s shirt. It’s already wet with his tears, he knows, but he can’t bring himself to care anymore. It’s not like Gon cares either. “Just. Don’t do it again.”

“I won’t,” Gon promises, tone firm even with how soft his voice is. “Never again.”

Killua smiles through the tears, laughing as Gon runs his hand through his hair. Gon giggles in turn, nuzzles his nose into Killua’s hair as he breathes in, and his hold which was so tight before loosens; now only tender and careful as his fingers trace idle lines on Killua’s back.

“That’s a promise,” Killua tells him- _commands_ , rather, and Gon laughs.

“It’s a promise,” Gon says, smiling into Killua’s hair as he holds him close.

 

* * *

 

“You kids do know that you’re going to clean this, don’t you?”

“Yup!” Gon salutes, only to sputter in dismay when he ends up slapping more mud onto his already dirty face.

“That’s _disgusting,_ ” Killua guffaws from behind him, only to yelp in surprise when Gon, without much thought, pounces on him; sending them both flying back into the puddle of mud that they’d been playing in. “What the hell, Gon!” Killua screeches as he wipes the mud that had gotten on his face.

“Well, whatever,” says the Kiriko that Gon had been talking to. Gon grins sheepishly up at her, having forgotten her presence for a moment in favor of messing with Killua. The Kiriko smiles back, amused despite the mess. “I’m glad that the two of you are having fun,” _after everything that happened,_ she doesn’t say- but Gon understands, more so when the Kiriko’s smile softens with her own words.

Gon smiles, and laughs when the Kiriko adds, “You’re still cleaning the house up, though. Still, I have to wonder; how did the two of you even bring the mess to the house when you’re so far away?”

“Um,” Gon hums in thought, still sitting on Killua’s stomach as he squints at the house a couple of meters away, “We have great precision when it comes to throwing mudballs?”

“Get _off_ ,” Killua groans beneath him, before grabbing handfuls of mud and sticking them up and under Gon’s shirt.

“That’s gross, Killua,” Gon laughs, not particularly disgusted as he grabs his own handful of mud and slaps it on Killua’s face. He yelps when Killua kicks him off in reply, sending him flying until he lands on his back into the mud puddle. “Owww,” he moans in pain, moaning a bit more when he hears the Kiriko snickering off to the side.

“Ugh,” Killua grunts, wiping away the mud from his face as he stands up, unintentionally (or intentionally, maybe) sending the mud Gon’s way, who’s only just sitting up after having himself thrown off unceremoniously into the mud.

“Hey,” Gon whines, wiping off the mud from his back as he stands up as well. Killua doesn’t look back, far too busy with swiping off the mud from his tank top, though Gon persists anyway. “That’s unfair, Killua! You stuck mud up my shirt!”

“It’s not like you actually ca- nn?!” Killua stiffens up to his shoulders, a shiver running up his spine when he feels a contrast of cool mud and warm skin touching his waist from under his shirt. “G-Gon!” He turns around, flushed up to the tips of his ears, only to see Gon leaping back a few steps with a grin on his face. “You-!”

“You did the same thing!” Gon points out with a raised brow. He’s grinning still, satisfied that he’d gotten back at Killua, though he’s still on high alert as he waits for the oncoming payback.

But Killua doesn’t move. Gon blinks and frowns a bit, relaxing for only a fraction of a second before tensing again once he remembers that Killua has a habit of pretending he doesn’t care before catching him off-guard.

“Whatever,” Killua grumbles, looking more tired than irritated as he swipes off the mud from under his shirt. He doesn’t look at all interested in playing with Gon anymore, and Gon feels his stomach drop. Killua usually doesn’t mind getting dirty, and he’d been having fun earlier…did he do something wrong?

“Hey,” Gon calls. He frowns when Killua raises an uninterested eyebrow at him in reply. “Are you feeling sick, Killua?”

Killua blinks at the question. “Sick?” He scoffs, as though the idea were truly impossible. “I can’t get sick, you know that.”

“But you look like you are,” Gon insists, wiping off what he could of the mud that was on his shirt as he steps closer. Killua steps back nigh instantly, the look on his face cautious even though Gon isn’t even going to try anything. (It hurts to think that Killua would be cautious of him at all, though he supposes Killua can’t help it.)

“Well,” Killua begins, frowning to himself as he lets Gon come closer, “I’m not. Obviously.”

“Really?” Gon squints at him, the bridge of his nose wrinkling in disbelief as he makes a face at Killua. “You don’t look okay.” He pauses, blinks in thought, before asking hesitantly, “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“What?” Killua raises an eyebrow, looking incredulous as he folds his arms over his chest. “Why would you-?”

“I _did!_ ” Gon crows, grinning at his success in guessing the answer. He can tell that he’s right; Killua only ever crosses his arms over his chest whenever he’s getting defensive about something or he’s lying. Almost immediately, he frowns when he realizes what it means. “Was it when I put the mud under your shirt? But why?” His eyes widen in horror at a thought that pops up in his mind. “Did I poke at a scar?”

“Wh- no! What the hell, Gon?” Killua sputters, looking distinctly uncomfortable as he turns his gaze away. His face is flushed red once more, and Gon is sure that it would be warm if he were to touch Killua’s cheeks. But Killua would probably slap his hands away if he tried to do that.

“Oh,” Gon breathes out, a bit disappointed that he was wrong, though still relieved that he didn’t exacerbate any scars. “Ohh,” he hums in understanding when another thought pops into his head, and he grins at Killua. “Are you ticklish?”

Killua twitches at the question. Gon’s grin grows even wider at the telltale reaction. “You are!”

“Like hell I am!” Killua yells back with a scowl.

“Gon, Killua,” a voice calls and they both start, looking to the side and remembering that the Kiriko had been there the whole time. She smiles, and says, “Much as I know that the two of you are immune to illness, I think it’s about time that you cleaned up the house and took a bath, don’t you agree?”

“Oh, okay,” Gon smiles, looking sheepish as he bows his head in apology. Killua mumbles something under his breath but nods anyway, looking a cross of annoyed and embarrassed as he marches off to get the house cleaned.

“What a cute child,” the Kiriko murmurs, sending a grin Gon’s way as though sharing a secret with him.

“Right?” He grins back, before turning to look over at Killua. He laughs when Killua waves for him to come over. “Sorry for making a mess again,” he apologizes to the Kiriko, who offers a smile in response.

“It’s fine, really,” she says, waving a hand in dismissal at the idea of her being irritated at the mess. “So long as you boys clean up your mess, it’s okay with me. It’s always nice to see the two of you happy, after all.”

“Mm,” Gon hums in agreement, walking with the Kiriko beside him as they follow after Killua. “I wish Killua would always be happy.”

“But happiness isn’t forever, is it?”

“It could be,” Gon says, determined as he looks at Killua, who is talking with one of the other Kirikos and far too occupied to notice Gon’s gaze on him. He smiles up at the Kiriko beside him when she blinks in surprise at his words. “I could still try to make it happen, can’t I?”

“…yes, of course,” she says, slowly transforming into her human form- the one that Gon is familiar with, a lady looking like she’s in her twenties-, before laying a hand on Gon’s head and ruffling his hair. He laughs at the affectionate gesture. “Since it’s you,” she says with an eyebrow raised in amusement, “I’m sure it can be done.”

“Yeah!” He grins, letting her pat him on the head even though it’s not as easy as it would be considering his current height. She isn’t much taller than him, now.

“I’ll make Killua happy,” he says more to himself than to her. He smiles, feeling even more of the determination welling up in his chest when he sees Killua laugh at something the Kiriko says to him.

“I swear it.”

 

* * *

  

“They don’t really mow the grass, do they?”

“It’s sort of hard to,” Gon says, grinning when Killua sighs in reply. “They’re living in the middle of the forest, after all. They can’t exactly mow everything.”

“Shut up.”

“What? It’s true,” Gon says, before laughing when Killua reaches over and pokes him in the side with his hand. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten that you’re ticklish, Killua,” he warns, waving his index finger for emphasis.

“I am not,” Killua grumbles, looking irritated as he rolls away from Gon on the grassy floor. Gon laughs at the image he makes; a five-foot-something teenager in navy blue pants and a tank top rolling around on the grass like a kid. Though, thinking about it now, they’re not really old enough to not be considered kids by everyone else. Not like it really matters to him, though.

“Yes you are,” Gon sing-songs, laughing as he rolls after Killua. He grins when they come to a halt, Killua having stopped right before he could head into the portion of the ground that had taller grass. “You _are_ ticklish. I felt it!”

“You _felt_ it,” Killua mockingly repeats, before yelping when Gon rolls to his stomach and reaches out to poke him in the side. “Gon!”

Gon grins. Killua could have certainly avoided that, considering what he’s capable of- but he doesn’t. Which _must_ mean that he doesn’t really mind, and that he’s just being shy about it.

It’s a cute side of his that Gon particularly loves, though Killua would probably hit him if he ever says that out loud.

“It’s fine if you’re ticklish, though.” Gon smiles, dragging himself closer to Killua using his elbows. “Everyone has their weak points, after all.”

“Whatever,” Killua grumbles, only to squeak again when Gon trails feather-light lines over Killua’s bare hip. “Don’t do that!” He yells, high-pitched and embarrassed as he swats Gon’s hand away and tugs his pants further up.

“Ehh,” Gon whines, pulling his hand back. He folds his arms and uses them as a headrest, making sure to face Killua as he mumbles, “That’s mean, Killua.”

“How is _that_ mean?”

“I don’t mind it when _you_ touch me,” Gon says, frank and to the point. He smiles innocently, aware that there could be another meaning to his words, which he figures Killua can understand easily.

It takes a beat of a minute and silence, until Killua sputters out a response.

“I- you- that’s because I don’t do any funny business!” Killua says, trying to sound angry but failing, sounding ultimately like he’s self-conscious about something. It’s pretty funny to watch him at it, Gon thinks. “But _you_!”

“What about me?” Gon asks, still resting his head on his folded arms as he stares at Killua. “I only want to make you laugh, Killua. That’s it.” He smiles, and Killua grows redder, the color far more prominent what with his paleness.

“ _Embarrassing,”_ Killua grumbles, covering his face with both of his hands. He moans his annoyance into his open palms, taking a minute to vent his frustrations, before lowering his hands from his face and heaving out a sigh.

“Are you done?”

Gon laughs when Killua uses a hand to smack him in the shoulder as an answer. “Yes, I’m _done_ ,” Killua says with a roll of his eyes. He smiles nonetheless, the affection clear in his gaze as he uses his fingers to flick at Gon’s forehead.

“Ow,” Gon glares weakly at him, not quite meaning it when he grins not long after. “No fair, Killua. You get to touch me like that and I can’t touch you back?”

“Funny business,” Killua repeats plainly with his eyes closed, raising a hand and wiggling his index finger side-to-side as Gon had done before.

“ _Funny business_ ,” Gon repeats mockingly, grinning widely when Killua doesn’t open his eyes still. He reaches out, prepared to tickle the other again, but is stopped instantly with a smack from Killua’s hand. “Ow!”

“I said no,” Killua says, an eyebrow raised as he straightens his shirt over his stomach. “How dumb are you, Gon? Do you really want to have your hand slapped again?”

“I just wanna tickle you a bit,” Gon whines, puffing his cheeks in frustration as he squints at Killua.

“Well, no dice,” Killua says with a smug grin as he quickly hops to his feet. He’s already jogging for the forest when Gon scrambles to his feet, a smirk on his face as he yells, “Maybe if you catch me, I’ll let you!”

“You’re on!” Gon yells back, bursting into full speed as soon as he starts running, intent on catching Killua.

Killua laughs instead of making an actual reply and Gon catches, just a glimpse, of him grinning as he hops from one tree branch to another.

Gon grins too, not bothering to stop it- he wouldn’t be able to even if he tried, he thinks-, feeling the happiness almost ready to burst in his chest as he chases after Killua’s fleeting figure.

This could be enough, honestly. Just seeing Killua happy, seeing him laugh…

It’s more than enough.


	3. two hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to [Gee Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for being an awesome friend and helping me out with this one!
> 
> The chapter title is taken from Paper Route's song, [Two Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15Pwz-bIhus).
> 
> Prompts:  
> 11\. That's what happens when two people like that meet.  
> 12\. He really had to borrow a cup of sugar.  
> 13\. The water stopped flowing from the tap.  
> 14\. That old tree finally fell last night.  
> 15\. Maybe tomorrow he'll come.

“You’re starting to sound like a therapist, Palm.”

_“And whose fault would that be, exactly?”_

Killua sighs and rubs at the crease forming on his forehead. “Mine,” he says after a pause, smiling wryly when Palm laughs on the other line. “If only you’d give me legitimate advice.”

“ _I do.”_ Killua laughs when he imagines her raising an eyebrow at him. “ _You’re not good when it comes to listening, though._ ”

“I can’t just _tell_ him,” Killua sighs, exasperated as he pinches the bridge of his nose to ward off the oncoming headache. “That’s easier said than done. I have more shame than you, after all.”

“ _At least I got a date with him,_ ”Palm retorts.

Killua grows silent at the reminder. He hears Palm suck in a breath and he closes his eyes, letting his hand drop to his lap as he leans back into the tree he’s sitting on.

“ _Killua…_ ”

“It’s fine,” he says, scratching at his temple with semi-sharp nails. “It’s over. No point in making it sound like it’s still important.”

He can visualize the frown on her face just from her tone when she says, “ _Even so. Does Gon..?_ ”

“He still doesn’t know about what Illumi did,” he says, absently picking off the tree leaves that had fallen on his pants. “He’s feeling enough regret as it is.”

“ _He’s your best friend. He has the right to know, Killua.”_

“You think I don’t understand that?” He sighs, irritated as he ruffles his already messy hair with his free hand. “He’s already,” his voice cracks and he stops, breathes in, suppressing the urge to cry as he goes on, “he’s already trying his hardest to make it up to me. This is enough.”

“ _But, if this goes on…_ ”

“It’s already been so long!” He pauses, bites his lower lip, before saying, “It’ll only make things worse if I tell him _now._ It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

“ _It does matter,”_ she tells him without hesitation. “ _I know why you don’t want to tell him. I understand. Gon would never let it go if you told him what happened- because that’s just who he is. But he deserves to know what you did for him, Killua. Not to make him feel like he owes you more than could ever be repaid,_ ” she adds and he winces, trying his best to keep silent with his lower lip caught in his teeth. “ _It’s to let him know that you think he’s important. Because he is, to you. He should know that._ ”

“I think I’ve done enough things for him to know that,” he murmurs. He feels tired all of a sudden, though he supposes it’s more because of Palm’s words than because of actual fatigue. It’s tiring, thinking about things like these. “…one day, I’ll tell him.”

“ _That’s good enough, I suppose,_ ” she says. He laughs wryly. “ _You didn’t forget what I told you then, did you?_ ”

“You said a lot of things,” he drawls, smiling in amusement as he raises his free arm and props it on the tree for his head to rest on. “Which one?”

“ _That he needs you the most._ ”

His smile drops. How could he have forgotten that? When he couldn’t stop Gon from going off on his own, when Gon wouldn’t listen…and Palm had told him that he was _needed_ even though he certainly didn’t feel like it; how could he have believed that? It was nigh incomprehensible. “…yeah, I remember.”

“ _I know you._ ”

“Do you?”

“ _You’re still doubting that, aren’t you?_ ”

“And what if I am?” He says, raising his gaze up to the sky, though he can’t see much through the trees. He closes his eyes when the light becomes too irritating and starts to imagine how Palm would look if she were here in that moment; concerned, a frown on her face as she looks at him with her piercing gaze.

He forces a grin on his face as he says, “That was a joke. I’m not a kid anymore, Palm; I think I can say that I’ve grown up from being a self-loathing brat.”

“ _Have you really?_ ”

“What is it with people and doubting whatever I say?” He frowns, nose scrunching up as he makes a face in annoyance. “I’m not lying.” Not fully, anyway. “God knows what would happen to Gon if I left him alone.”

She laughs, and he relaxes. “ _That’s true. Gon’s sense of self-preservation has never been very strong._ ”

“Right? Makes me want to punch him sometimes for not caring about his own safety,” he says, heaving out a deep sigh as he stretches out his legs on the branch he’s sitting on.

“ _He honestly does need a punch to get back to reality, though I imagine it won’t be particularly helpful in keeping him from doing dangerous things.”_

 _“_ Really, _”_ he agrees, blinking his eyes open to the sight of sunlight flickering in and out of the shadows on his lap. “What do I have to do to make him care a little more about himself?”

“ _Well…_ ”

He sits up straighter at the note of hesitation in her voice, the arm he’d had behind his head moving until it’s back on his lap. “…Palm?”

“ _There’s one good way to keep him from being so reckless, I suppose._ ”

“Seriously?” He raises an eyebrow, even though he knows that she can’t see him. “What is it?”

“ _You could tell him how you feel about him._ ”

Killua can almost _hear_ the crickets chirping at that answer. It takes a moment for him to fully comprehend what she said, the sheer absurdity of her suggestion making his thinking process stutter for a bit; he laughs as soon as he digests the meaning of her words. He thinks he sounds somewhat hysterical and he’d be embarrassed about it, had Palm not just suggested the most _ridiculous_ thing for him to stop Gon’s danger kick. “What the _hell_ , Palm? That is, by far, the most ridiculous reason you’ve given for me to tell him. Here I thought you were better with excuses than that.”

“ _I’m serious, Killua._ ”

“And I’m straight.”

“ _Killua._ ”

“You can’t expect me to believe that dumb reason!”

“ _Think about it this way,_ ” she says and he listens, even though he still thinks it’s ludicrous and unreasonable, “ _Gon believes that other people’s feelings are important, doesn’t he?_ ”

“Well, _yeah_ ,” he says, frowning. That goes without saying, after all.

“ _He wants his friends to be happy._ ”

“Why are you stating the obvious?” He asks, feeling bewildered at the incongruity of what she’s saying to her first point.

“ _If you told him how you felt about him, he’d have to acknowledge that you think he’s important._ ”

“Uh-huh?”

“ _Gon wouldn’t ever want to hurt you. We both know that. But if you told him your feelings, and he realizes the depth of how you feel about him…_ ”

“…I can’t believe I’m taking you seriously right now.”

Palm giggles. “ _I make a fine point, don’t I?_ ”

“Would that sort of thing really work..?”

“ _Knowing Gon? Yes._ ”

“Saying it for that sort of reason,” Killua trails off, frowning as scratches at his temple.

“ _You wanted a good reason, didn’t you? You got one._ ”

“Yeah, yeah.” He scoffs. “Now, if only there was something that could keep him from acting weird around me once I tell him.”

“ _You honestly think Gon doesn’t reciprocate your feelings?_ ”

“Why do you make it sound like I’m an idiot for thinking that?”

“ _Because you are,_ ” she says point-blank. He laughs at her frankness, appreciating how she’s so honest despite the fact that she knew what he was capable of. Not that he could even think of hurting her, considering their status as friends.

“You can’t be a hundred percent sure about something like that.” He sighs, shaking his head before he leans back to relax. “Feelings change, and we both know that Gon isn’t the type to think of stuff like romance. He couldn’t be bothered.”

“ _He’d start thinking about it for you,_ ” Palm says. Killua frowns at the thought.

“…I know. But I don’t want him to.”

“ _Change is a part of life, Killua._ ”

“And I don’t want things to change more than they already have,” he tells her. He chews on his lower lip in thought. He breathes in, exhales, and says in a softer voice, “I still can’t believe that it was so easy to go back to how we were. I don’t want to ruin that.”

He hears Palm sigh on the other end. “ _I understand. It’s your choice if you want to tell him or not. But…_ ”

He blinks in confusion when her sentence trails off. “But..?”

“ _You should know that he won’t reject you.”_

 _“_ You sound really sure of yourself, Palm.”

She laughs. “ _That’s because I’m not wrong._ ”

“You can see people from anywhere in the world, but that doesn’t make you a mind-reader. How can you be sure of that?”

She doesn’t answer immediately. Killua hums to himself, thinking that she couldn’t really be sure about that sort of thing and that she was only saying as much to make him feel better. It has always been improbable to be certain of something as volatile as someone’s feelings, after all.

“ _I can’t explain it._ ”

Killua leans forward, surprised that she still has something to say about the topic at hand. “Huh?”

“ _When I look at the two of you…it just feels right. You know that feeling, don’t you?_ ”

He pauses to think about it, even though he knows that he doesn’t have to. Being with Gon has always been the best thing to him, somehow, and he could never find a way to explain it.

He hesitates, but only for a second. “Yeah, I do.”

“ _It’s a bit funny, actually,_ ” and she laughs, the sound muffled enough that Killua could guess she was covering her mouth with her hand, “ _Bisky and I ended up talking about it once. We found it difficult to imagine that the two of you could be separated at all._ ”

“You talked to Bisky about this?”

“ _Mmhm. I didn’t say anything about your feelings, of course- though she did figure that out on her own._ ”

“Tch.” He frowns at the notion that he’s easy to read. Still, Bisky has always been the observant type, so it isn’t that surprising that she’d figure it out on her own.

“ _Has she ever told you why she chose to train the both of you in Greed Island?_ ”

“She told you about that too?”

“ _Yes. But did she tell you?_ ”

Killua pauses to think about it. “She saw our potential and thought it would be a waste if we didn’t learn how to use it.”

“ _But did she say what she saw when she found the two of you?_ ”

“What do you mean?”

“ _She told me that the two of you had potential together._ ”

He frowns. “Isn’t that what I just said?”

“ _I said ‘together’, Killua. She saw that the two of you together had potential. And I can understand why. The two of you make a good pair, haven’t you noticed?_ ”

“Well, we _are_ best friends,” he muses out loud. “And we’ve always just…fit together, somehow.”

“ _That’s what I mean._ ”

“That we just fit together?” He repeats, bemused. “That doesn’t mean that he feels the same way that I do. Just because we work well together-”

“ _And here I thought you were smart._ ”

“Hey,” he said testily, annoyed at the jab at his intellect.

“ _What? If you were smarter, you’d have understood by now._ ”

“That insult is uncalled for, Palm,” he snaps. “Just because you see things that I don’t doesn’t mean that I’m any less smart.”

She sighs, sounding exasperated, though Killua can feel the affection in it. The annoyance fades as soon as he realizes that she didn’t mean any offense with her words. Really, how childish was he that he easily got riled up by something like that?

She says, “ _I suppose it’s understandable. It’s easier to see what I mean when you’re looking from the outside rather than the inside, after all._ ”

“That’s…”

“ _Just think about it, Killua._ Really _think about it._ ”

He sighs at the firmness of her tone. “Fine. I’ll think about telling him.”

“ _Good. Alluka and I will talk to you later, then.”_

Killua laughs, remembering that Alluka could never quite get the hang of waking early. “Okay. Tell her that she needs to get a better sleep schedule if she wants to catch me whenever I call.”

“ _I will. Good luck with Gon, Killua._ ”

“…yeah, thanks.”

_Beep. Beep._

He could only wish that talking with Gon would be that easy.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Killua?”

“Mm, what?” Killua asks while turning to look back at Gon, before choking back a laugh when he sees Gon in a frilly apron. “Are you baking something?”

Gon grins. “Yeah! But,” he pouts, looking put out, “We ran out of sugar.”

Killua raises an eyebrow. “Okay? What did you call me for?”

Gon cheers up nigh instantly at those words. “Could you borrow some sugar from the neighbors?”

He gives Gon an odd look. “…what neighbors?”

“The ones at the harbor, of course.”

Killua laughs.

Gon blinks in bemusement.

Killua stops laughing once he realizes how serious Gon is.

“Gon, what the hell?”

“Please?” Gon puts on his puppy dog look, his hands clasped over his chest as he blinks wide eyes at Killua. “Come _on._ I wanted to bake some cookies but then the Kiriko didn’t have sugar…”

Killua sputters. “You- why don’t _you_ get it?”

“I’m watching over the oven and I still need to mix the stuff we have?”

“I can’t believe you.”

“You can get a bigger portion of cookies,” Gon offers. He grins when Killua straightens up at that.

“…they’re chocolate chip, right?”

Gon nods with a wide smile. “Yup!”

“ _Ugh,_ ” Killua groans as he gets up from the floor and straightens his clothes out. “Fine. Give me a cup.”

He frowns when Gon instantly presents a cup from out of nowhere. “You cheeky brat,” he says, smirking as he takes the cup. “You knew I was gonna say yes, didn’t you?”

“You never say no to bigger portions of chocolate anything,” Gon says, smiling as he clasps his hands behind his back. “But really, thanks!”

 _I never really say no to you in general,_ Killua thinks to himself with a sigh. He’s a little grateful that Gon opted not to mention that, though. “Yeah, whatever. Just make sure I get a bigger portion, okay?”

“Mmhm!” Gon follows after him when he heads out, seeing him out of the door as he walks out with the cup dangling from his right index finger. He looks back to the sight of Gon still out at the front porch, a smile on his face as he waves to Killua. “It’s okay to take your time!”

“Hah!” He throws his head back with a laugh, before turning to wave lazily back. “Just for that, I’ll take my time with this. You better not complain!”

“I won’t!” Gon calls back, smiling still as he watches Killua go.

“Weirdo,” Killua mumbles to himself. It’s surprising how he’s not as embarrassed as he would be when he notices the affection in his own voice.

“Killua?” One of the Kiriko calls out and Killua starts, looking up with a blink of surprise. “Heading out?”

Killua smiles in amusement as he holds up his right hand occupied with a cup. “Yeah, I need to go get some sugar.”

“Ah right, we ran out, didn’t we? I’m sorry that you have to be bothered,” she- which he can only guess from the not-that-low voice pitch- tells him with a sheepish smile.

He waves a hand in dismissal at the apology. He wasn’t even doing anything when Gon asked for his help, though it was the standard for him to complain. He’d rather not have Gon thinking that he had Killua at every beck and call (even though he really did). “Nah, it’s fine. Gon promised me a bigger portion of cookies, anyway.”

She laughs at that. “That’s good, then. Take care on your way, Killua.”

He gives a half-hearted salute as he goes, not bothering to look back when he heads into the forest. It’s a comfortable sort of silence with just enough noise when he walks down the path, the birds chirping not as annoying when it’s already afternoon and he hasn’t just been woken up from his slumber.

The journey to get sugar from one of the houses by the harbor is easy. Asking for the sugar itself is made simple enough by how taken the people are with him when he smiles widely at them; his good looks don’t fail, as they usually don’t, in earning him their trust.

The journey back, dark as it is from all the hours he’s spent walking, isn’t as easy- though it isn’t like he can’t handle it.

All of a sudden, or perhaps not as suddenly as he thought it was, varying creatures that had been in hiding in the early afternoon make their presence known- as though he’d gotten something (the sugar, maybe?) that’s good enough a reason for them to take their chances with him.

He wishes he could feel annoyed at how good he’s gotten at hiding his aura that even animals would be dumb enough to try and attack him, but the pride is a little too strong to ignore. It’s a commendable feat, making creatures that mostly rely on their instincts think that he’s weak.

His phone rings as soon as he swings himself up to another tree branch, and he huffs.

“Yeah? I’m sort of busy right now,” he says into the phone, not bothering to check who it is in favor of keeping the cup of sugar from pouring over as he hops to another branch.

“Onii-chan, it’s me!”

He smiles, catching the sugar that had spilled over with the cup as he hops down to the ground. He breaks into a run as soon as he lands, making sure to be careful with the cup as he says, “Hey, Alluka. How’s it going?”

“I’m doing well, though you should’ve told Palm-san to wake me when you called last time! It’s mean that you let me sleep too long, onii-chan!”

“You needed your sleep,” he tells her. He laughs when she huffs into the phone. “I told you that you should sleep earlier, didn’t I? That way you’ll catch me when I call in the morning.”

“But you could always call at night,” she whines.

“I’m busy by that time.”

“Too busy for your sister?”

“Oh, don’t pull that,” he says, side-stepping a large rat-like creature when it tries to pounce on him. “You know that nothing’s more important than you, Alluka.”

“Mm, good!” Killua hears the smile just from how chipper she is, and he holds in an affectionate sigh. “But anyway!”

“Yeah?”

“I almost forgot what I called you for, onii-chan! You shouldn’t distract me like that!”

He laughs. “I wasn’t the one who got you off-track, you know. What did you call me for?”

“I called to greet you a happy birthday!”

He almost stumbles to a halt at that, practically running over the ferret(?) that attempts to bite at his feet. He hops over it instead of killing it, getting back to his quick pace as he heads up the path for the Kiriko’s home.

“Birthday?”

“Silly onii-chan! Did you forget your own birthday?”

“What day is it today?”

“July 7th, obviously!”

“…damn.”

A pause.

And then,

“You _did_ forget!”

“I was occupied, okay?” He huffs, trying and failing to will away the heat on his cheeks as he runs a little faster up the hill. He sighs in relief once he sees the house, slowing in his pace as he shifts the cup in his hold.

“That’s so cute,” Alluka says, giggling all the while.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” he sniffs, making a face when he notices how all of the lights are off in the house.

“Shit. I mean- uh.”

“What happened, onii-chan?”

He sighs. “I think Gon might have duped me when he asked me to get sugar.”

“Oh, that? So you really didn’t notice anything?”

“Wait, what?”

He halts in his step, frowning as he squints at the house from a distance. “Did you know about this, Alluka?”

She giggles. “Maybe? I didn’t think onii-chan would actually fall for it.”

“As if I’d remember what day it was!” He scowls, stomping over to the house with the intent to give Gon a piece of his mind. How could Gon even think to make _him_ go on such a long errand when _he_ was the one who had his birthday today?

The lights blink open as soon as he opens the door and he’s ready- he _is,_ honestly!-, but he freezes where he is when he sees Gon smiling at him, the words that he’d been ready with dying in his mouth before he can even say them. The “happy birthday!” called his way flies over his head and away and he remains where he is, his phone still pressed to his ear with his other hand holding onto a cup full of sugar.

He wishes he could look anywhere else: at the Kiriko holding up party poppers, at the cake Gon is holding, at the banner and streamers they’d set up on the ceilings- anywhere else, so long as it isn’t at Gon’s face. But it’s a little too late for that. Gon’s smile doesn’t waver when Killua doesn’t say anything; it’s still soft, and affectionate, and _warm_ , and Killua feels like he’s going to die where he is out of embarrassment because he’s _still_ not saying anything.

“Onii-chan, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah,” he manages to say into the phone, letting out a breath as he shuts the door behind him. He smiles at the Kiriko when they usher him into the house, letting one of them take the cup from his hands as he is set to sit on the floor with them.

“Alluka?” Gon mouths to him as he sets the birthday cake in front of him. Killua makes a face to express his annoyance at having been caught by surprise, but he nods. Gon smiles, all warmth and affection, and he feels his heartbeat stutter, as it almost always does nowadays. He looks away before he can start staring; he knows better than to let himself succumb to the temptation.

 “You really know how to make a guy feel loved, don’t you?” He says to Alluka, smiling even though he feels a bit like he’s burning up inside, the heat crawling slow and sure in his stomach up to his chest.

“Of course!” Alluka chirps, far too happy at having been able to surprise him. “So you like it, onii-chan?”

“That goes without saying,” he says, glancing up at Gon, who catches him looking and smiles. He squints at him and Gon laughs, before turning his gaze away to light up the candles on the cake.

“I’m happy, Killua,” Nanika says this time, and he smiles.

“Thank you, Nanika,” he tells her. “I’m happy that you and Alluka remembered my birthday for me.” He grins when she giggles on the other line.

“Happy birthday, onii-chan,” Alluka says and he closes his eyes, imagining her smile when she tells him so. “I hope you’re happy where you are.”

“I am.” He shares a look with Gon, who sits back after finishing lighting up the candles. He smiles and Gon brightens up instantly, pleased that Killua has finally sent a smile his way. He stifles a snort of amusement at Gon’s puppy-like happiness. “I really am,” he says into the phone, smiling softly still even though he knows that Alluka can’t see him.

“Let’s talk more later, ne?”

“Of course.”

He slips his phone back into his pocket when the line clicks shut, looking up only to be met with wide grins from the Kirikos as Gon slides the cake closer to him.

“You still owe me cookies,” he tells Gon, trying to break whatever it was that hung in the air between them. It is heavy and hot on his skin, making him feel inexplicably giddy even as he bows his head to blow out all of the candles on his cake.

“Sure! I’ll bake some for you tomorrow.” And Gon grins, child-like as always as he scoots over to sit beside Killua. What had been hanging in the air is gone almost instantly, fragile thing that it was, and Killua breathes out a sigh of relief. He blinks in bemusement when Gon takes something out of his pocket and holds it out to him.

“What’s this?” He asks as he takes the little pouch from Gon’s hands.

“It’s a necklace that Alluka made for you,” Gon tells him as he opens the pouch. He grins when Killua looks up at him in surprise. “She picked out a stone from the island and Mito-san helped her with the string. D’you like it?”

“You seriously have to ask me that?” He says with a scoff, before slipping the necklace over his head and around his neck. He smiles down at it, admiring how the bluish-green stone seems to glow as he holds it between his fingers. “What about you?” He asks, grinning as he looks up at Gon. “Where’s your gift, huh?”

“It’s me!”

Killua stares blankly at him.

Gon huffs. “You’re no fun, Killua.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s pout. “You could just admit that you didn’t get me anything, you know.”

“But I said _I_ was the gift!”

“Gon, seriously.”

“I _am_ serious.”

Killua laughs wryly. “And what am I supposed to do with you as my gift?”

Gon grins. “Anything you want!”

“…huh?”

“I’ll do anything you want for this week,” Gon explains, looking far too proud of himself for thinking up such a ridiculous idea. Killua almost feels sorry for him. _Almost._

“Yeah?” He grins, feeling mischievous as he straightens up and folds his arms over his chest. “What if I tell you to lick my feet?”

“Do you want me to do it now?”

Killua stares at him.

Gon frowns. “What? I did say that I’d do anything.”

“That is such a dumb gift, Gon.” _And it’s clearly for your own satisfaction_ , Killua thinks, not particularly inclined to the idea of Gon being his personal slave for a week. He should’ve expected that Gon would think such a thing up to make it up to him.

“But _Killua_ ,” Gon whines.

“You know what? We’ll talk about how much your gift sucks later.” He ignores Gon in favor of smiling at the Kirikos, all of them in varying states of amusement as they watch Gon puff his cheeks in annoyance. There’s a gleam in his eyes when he looks at the cake in front of him, and he says, “We should eat!”

“Agreed,” the Kiriko with the deepest voice- whom Killua has come to figure out is the father- says with a wide smile.  He slices up the cake and hands the first slice to Killua, who offers him a grin and “thanks” before gratefully accepting the slice.

The mother Kiriko, whom Killua has learned to distinguish by her higher-pitched voice, says, “Gon baked the cake, in case you didn’t know.”

Killua raises an eyebrow at Gon at the revelation. He swallows the bite of cake he’d eaten, before saying, “You couldn’t have settled for saying that the cake was the gift?”

“That’s not a real gift, though,” Gon says, pouting still, though that fades for a moment to make way for a smile when one of the Kiriko hands him a slice of cake.  “Thanks! But yeah,” Gon frowns as he takes a bite. “Mm. You’re supposed to have a cake when it’s your birthday, so that doesn’t really count as a gift.”

“You’re so hard to please, Gon.”

“It’s your birthday, okay? It needs to be a good present!”

Killua bites back an embarrassed sound at that. “And you settled for giving _yourself_ as a present?”

Gon smiles sheepishly. “I couldn’t think of anything else.”

“You couldn’t have gotten me chocolate? That would’ve been enough for me.”

“But you can buy chocolate for yourself, Killua,” Gon says, frowning even as he takes another bite of cake. “Mm. Hm. I wanted it to be something special.”

“And you think that you being my slave for a week is special.”

“Well, yeah.” Gon grins. “You wanted me to be your friend, right? You already have that, so I thought of what else _I_ could do for you. Since we already spend a lot of time together, it wouldn’t be that different if I took you out somewhere…so I thought that I’d just do anything you want for a week!”

“I can’t believe this,” Killua breathes out, having already set his empty plate down when he covers his face with one hand in disbelief. The logic of Gon’s words was just so _inconceivable._ “You really _are_ a big idiot.”

And he’s _in love_ with the aforementioned big idiot. What kind of guy did that even make him?

 

* * *

 

Weak. That’s exactly what he is.

He sighs for the umpteenth time as Gon scrubs at his back. He’s done it. He said that the idea was dumb, that the fact Gon suggested it at all as being embarrassing- but here he is.

“Do you want me to stop?” Gon asks from behind him. Killua looks back at him, only to sigh again when he sees the disappointment written all over Gon’s face.

Why was he so _weak_ to this kid? Even his _grandfather_ would be disappointed in him.

“No, it’s fine,” he says, waving away Gon’s concern as he turns his back to him again. He hums when Gon returns to what he was doing, making a small sound of satisfaction when Gon manages to scratch at an itchy portion of his back. “This is still a dumb idea,” he says, aware that he’s a bit in denial, though not mature enough to keep his mouth shut about it.

“That’s not going to stop me,” Gon says, sounding oddly determined even though he’s just scrubbing at Killua’s back.

“When has anything ever stopped you?” He drawls, eyes closed as he idly scratches at his knee.

“I’d stop if you really didn’t like it.”

“That’s new.”

Gon doesn’t say anything in response.

Killua opens his eyes at that. His teeth dig into his lower lip once he realizes how childish his retort had been. He clenches his hands into fists on his lap, letting semi-sharp nails dig into his palm as he lowers his gaze to the floor. “I…”

“I’m sorry.”

He starts at those words. He didn’t think that Gon would say anything. “Huh?”

“I didn’t listen to you. But I’ll listen now.”

He bites on the inside of his cheek. “…sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Killua.”

_Still. I’m sorry for being so immature._

He tenses when he hears the stool that Gon had been sitting on creak. He doesn’t look back to see what Gon is doing, afraid that he’d just see Gon leaving- but all that happens is the faucet to the bath being turned off before Gon returns to him. Killua clenches his eyes shut at how embarrassing his own thought process sounds. It’s not like Gon would just _leave_ him there for something like that.

He yelps when he feels himself being lifted from the stool he’d been sitting on. Automatically, he wraps his arms around Gon’s shoulders, only to pull them away just as quickly when he sees the smug grin on Gon’s face.

 _“_ What the hell are you doing?” He hisses, folding his arms over his bare chest as he tries to curl in on himself. It doesn’t help anything when he’s still completely _naked_ , but he can’t help himself from trying.

“I’m taking you to the bath,” Gon says, as though what he’s doing is completely normal. Which it _isn’t, what the hell_.

“You couldn’t have just _told_ me to get in the bath?”

“This is more fun, though.”

“You-!” Killua grits his teeth, using one hand to rub at his face in frustration. “ _Ugh._ Just put me down.”

“You don’t have to be so grumpy,” Gon tells him, an amused smile on his face as he walks for the bathtub. “It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked, anyway. You don’t have to be embarrassed!”

“That is _not_ the issue here!”

“Then what is?”

He makes a small annoyed sound when Gon sets him down into the bath, immediately scooting away so that Gon could get in with him. He folds his legs up until his thighs are pressing into his chest and props his folded arms on his knees, letting himself lean forward a bit until his lips are pressing against the wet skin of his arm. “You are unbelievable, Gon.”

“You always say that.”

“One day, I am going to ruin all chances you have at having kids.”

Gon laughs as he settles on the other end of the tub. “I don’t really plan on having kids, though?”

Killua’s head cocks to the right in confusion at that. He straightens up and scowls once he notices the amused grin on Gon’s face at his instinctive motion. It’s starting to get annoying, how Gon notices the smallest things about him. He asks, intent on erasing the thought from ever passing through his mind, “Seriously?”

“You know what happened with Ging, right?”

He frowns at the name. “Well, yeah. But that doesn’t mean that you’re the same as him.”

Gon smiles, an eyebrow raised in amusement as he leans back, stretching out his legs for a bit, before pulling them back so that they don’t bother Killua. “I’m still a bit the same as him, though. Besides, I don’t think I could take care of a kid.” He tilts his head back, looking as though he’s in thought, before lowering his head again to look at Killua with a curious gaze. “What about you?”

Killua raises an eyebrow at having the question turned back to him. “Me?” He asks. Gon nods as an answer and he relaxes into himself again, lips vibrating against his skin as he hums into his arm. “Hm.”

Gon blinks, looking surprised as he leans forward and into Killua’s space. Killua instinctively leans away at the motion, his brows furrowed and eyes wide in bewilderment as he stares at Gon. “ _What_?”

“I guess I could change my mind,” Gon muses, lips in a moue as he leans back into the tub.

“Huh? Why all of a sudden?”

Gon blinks, looking equally confused as he cocks his head in question. “Because you looked like you wanted one.”

Killua squints at him to try and see if he can figure out just what the hell Gon means, but it doesn’t help. He didn’t expect it to, anyway. Squinting has never really helped him in any way whenever he does it, other than making him look ridiculous as he eyes his best friend like he’s a difficult puzzle. Which he kind of is, at the moment. “And that’s relevant to you wanting one because..?”

Gon frowns. He opens his mouth, closes it again with an even deeper frown, before gasping in realization and thumping his fist into his open palm. “I get it! You have a big family, right? So,” he trails off, before coming back with an odd gleam in his eyes, “you want more than one kid?”

“Uh?” Killua makes a face, feeling even more confused than before as he regards Gon with an odd look. “What’s that got to do with _you_ wanting a kid?”

Gon goes back to frowning as soon as Killua’s done speaking, as though Killua were the one confusing the hell out of him with his cryptic (but not really) words. “I’m confused.”

Killua gawps at him. “ _You’re_ confused? _I’m_ the one who doesn’t understand what you’re talking about!” He huffs as he leans back, having only just noticed that he’d started leaning forward as he was speaking. He says, not quite thinking as he lets his mouth run, “You talk like _we’re_ the ones getting married in the future.”

“….oh.” Gon blinks, pressing his lips together in thought even as Killua gives him another odd look. “I didn’t think we’d have to get married for that sort of thing.”

Killua squints at Gon again out of disbelief. “What did you _think_ would have to be done? Did you just want to run around and find a girl and get her pregnant? You’re reckless, but I didn’t think you’d be _that_ reckless.”

“What? No!” Gon sputters, looking bewildered at the very idea as he waves both of his hands in front of him for emphasis. “That’s not what I meant. I just…Mito-san didn’t have to marry to be able to raise me, did she?”

“…you lost me.”

“Ehhh.” Gon makes a face in annoyance, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed as he squints at Killua.

“No, I’m serious.” Killua raises a hand, palm open and facing Gon as a gesture for him to listen to what he has to say. “I honestly don’t understand what you’re talking about anymore.”

Gon makes a small noise akin to that of a wounded animal, and Killua would feel sorry for him- if only _he_ wasn’t confused about their whole conversation. “Weren’t we talking about having a kid?”

“No, I was talking about _you_ having a kid.”

Gon’s eyebrows both rise in confusion at that. “Isn’t that the same thing?”

“…what?”

“Didn’t you want one? Or more? You didn’t answer me on that one,” Gon says, rubbing at his chin with a hand as he contemplates it like it’s something actually worth thinking about. “Which is it?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“I didn’t say anything about us raising kids together!”

“…oh.” Gon blinks twice, frowning to himself for a bit. He looks up at Killua with a narrow-eyed gaze. “Didn’t you?”

Killua physically leans back in offense at the doubt in Gon’s tone. “I didn’t! I just asked if _you_ wanted to have kids, then it turned into you asking me if _I_ wanted to have kids- somehow you just assumed that we’d be the ones raising kids! Where did that even _come_ from?”

Gon pouts. “Weren’t you the one who said that you didn’t want me to leave again? So I thought that you’d want to stay with me until we were older, and I just…kind of assumed that you meant that we’d raise kids together? It’s not that weird an idea, is it?”

“Of course it is! I didn’t even- I just-”

He sighs, frustrated as he scratches at the back of his head. “You know what? I need a moment.”

“But-”

“I’m the one celebrating his birthday, right?” He says, an eyebrow raised in defiance as he stands up from the tub.

“Yeah, but-”

“I’m gonna go out, Gon.”

Gon looks even more put out as he whines, “But _Killua-_ ”

Killua rolls his eyes, not even looking back at Gon as he wraps a towel around his waist. “You said you’d do anything I wanted for a week.”

Gon frowns at having his words turned back on him. He curls up into himself in a sulk, arms folded over the edge of the tub and hiding the lower half of his face from Killua’s view. “I did.”

Killua grins, feeling a childish sort of glee at being able to tell Gon what to do for once. “Then stay.”

“ _Ehh?_ ” Gon moans in dismay, mouth set in a frown as he looks at Killua. “But I don’t want to!”

Killua laughs for a brief second, grabbing another towel to dry his hair off in the quickest manner possible before slipping into his clothes. He says, sounding more relaxed than he actually feels, “Too bad. I’m still going.”

He leaves before he can hear any more of Gon’s complaining.

God knows that he wouldn’t be able to endure listening to him without giving in at some point.

 

* * *

 

“It’s so weird.”

Killua pauses from chopping carrots. He’d been helping Gon with cooking their breakfast for a while now because he didn’t want to be in the living room, where the Kirikos were not too subtly hinting at him having done something to one of the trees in the forest.

He’d been hoping that Gon hadn’t noticed anything, but considering how he is...

“There was this one tree in the forest- you know, the really old one? It fell down last night.”

…it was stupid to have even hoped at all.

“Yeah?” He asks, masking his nervousness with a casual smirk as he goes back to chopping carrots.

“It looked like it was hit by lightning.”

Killua swallows. “Could’ve been a dry storm. I heard it happens a lot around these parts.”

He stifles a guilty frown when he sees Gon looking at him through the corner of his eyes. _Shit._ “Killua,” Gon says, tone reprimanding as he frowns at him. “Even if it _was_ a dry storm, that still doesn’t explain why the scorch marks started at the base of the trunk.”

“How do you know that?”

Gon’s frown deepens and Killua focuses a little more on chopping all of the carrots. He jerks in surprise when Gon slaps his spatula down on the counter, though it’s not enough to make him look up. “ _Killua._ Why won’t you tell me what happened?”

“Because nothing happened?” He says, smoothly going for indifference as he finishes chopping up all the carrots. He gulps when he realizes that the onions are to be chopped next.

“Was it because of last night?”

He groans. He sets down the knife before he can even get to chopping, and looks up at Gon with a grimace. “I was training with my nen, okay? I just…went too far with it.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He sniffs, turning away again as he picks up the knife from the chopping board. “Then don’t.”

“Killua.” Gon says, gentler this time as he puts his hand over Killua’s, making him set the knife back down as he lowers and tilts his head enough so that his face is in Killua’s line of sight. “I don’t mind if you were embarrassed about what I said. It’s too bad that the old tree fell down for it, though.”

“That’s not-!”

“Do you really want to keep lying about this?”

“Mmm,” Killua stifles a whine as he turns his head away in defiance. Why couldn’t Gon understand that he didn’t _want_ to talk about it?

“I think it’s pretty funny that you couldn’t control yourself enough to keep from striking down a really strong tree,” Gon offers. He laughs when Killua looks at him with furrowed brows and wide eyes. “I still feel sorry for the tree, though.”

“Yeah? Then go and mourn for it in the forest,” Killua snaps, not quite angry as he is annoyed as he shakes off Gon’s hold on his hand. He immediately gets to chopping the onions even when he feels his eyes getting teary, blinking the tears away without complaint as he finishes dicing all the onions set out on the counter.

“Oh come on,” Gon whines, before yelping in surprise when Killua shoves the chopping board into his face. “Killua! That’s rude!”

“I don’t care,” Killua bites out, chin turned up as he sniffs in disdain at Gon’s childish whining. He quickly wipes at his face before Gon can get a good look of the tear-tracks trailing down his cheeks, though Gon’s already gotten a good glimpse of his face anyway.

(Guiltily, he thinks to himself that Killua still looks pretty even when he cries.)

“You know that I’m just worried about you,” Gon says, lips forming a pout as he turns back to the pan and pours oil and the vegetables into simmering heat. “You don’t usually lose control like that.”

“Then _why_ did you say that it was funny?” Killua asks, looking incredulous as he raises his eyebrows at Gon.

“Because I thought about you being embarrassed and unintentionally doing the lightning thing,” Gon says when he looks back at him, eyes turned to the side as he scratches at his cheek with a sheepish laugh. “I thought it was cute, just a bit…”

“You are _so-_ “ Killua groans, gritting his teeth as he buries his face in his hands. “ _Mmmph!_ ”

Gon laughs as he turns his attention back to the pan. “You’re so silly, Killua.”

Killua makes a face in annoyance at those words but comes closer anyway, helping Gon out as he adds the rice into the pan. He frowns when he feels Gon looking at him with a smile.

_You are so-_

 “Annoying,” he grumbles, leaning back as he lets Gon handle the rest of the cooking.

“You like me anyway,” Gon says, humming a tune to himself as he cakes down the rice on the veggies.

 _I do._ Killua sighs, scratching at the back of his head as he settles for leaning into the counter where he’d chopped up the carrots and onions. _I really, really do._

 

* * *

 

“Did you already call Killua?”

_“Yup- he’s as un-cute as I expected him to be. It’s part of his charm, I guess.”_

“He’s just shy,” Gon tells Leorio over the phone. He giggles when Leorio snorts in disbelief at the notion.

_“Yeah, and I’m rich as hell.”_

“Aww, don’t be like that, Leorio. Killua’s just not used to people being nice to him.”

_“…yeah, that’s true. Good thing he has you to get him used to it, huh?”_

Gon smiles at that. “Yeah. I’m glad he decided to be with me.”

_“Jeez, kid. Cut the sweet crap. How old are you, anyway?”_

“I’m already seventeen!” He huffs, before lying flat on the porch on his back. He grins when he sees Killua’s head pop into view above him. He waves before pointing to the phone and mouthing “Leorio.”

Killua rolls his eyes and pops back out of Gon’s view when he hears the squawk of “ _What?!”_ over the phone. Gon rolls over until he’s on his stomach, his eyebrows raised in confusion as he watches Killua hop off the porch. “Where are you going, Killua?” He asks out loud this time, putting a hand on the receiver when he speaks.

“Out,” Killua says with a shrug, sticking one hand into his pocket while he uses his other hand to gesture lazily to the forest. “Wouldn’t wanna disturb your talk with the old man over there.”

 _“I heard that!”_ Leorio screeches. Gon instantly pulls the phone away from his ear with a wince.

“But you’re not a bother,” Gon whines after him, pouting when Killua doesn’t listen. He sighs and rolls over onto his back, looking up at the ceiling with a tiny frown.

 _“Still shrewd, isn’t he?”_ Leorio says. Gon‘s eyebrow quirks up as he puts the phone closer to his ear again.

“Shrewd?”

_“He probably left to give us some privacy.”_

“Mm, he didn’t have to, though,” Gon says, sounding as put out as he feels. He sighs again.

 _“You shouldn’t sigh so much, Gon. It’s not like he could’ve done anything other than listen to you talk_ _to me, anyway.”_

“I guess you’re right.”

 _“Of course I’m right.”_ There’s a beat of a pause, and Leorio laughs a bit. _“Did you want him to hear how you’re going to talk about him to me?”_

“Hm? I wouldn’t have minded.”

Leorio sucks in a breath. Then, he deadpans _, “I honestly don’t know how Killua can handle you when he’s with you almost 24/7.”_

“What? It’s not like he doesn’t know how I feel, anyway.”

_“Wait, seriously? You guys are a thing now?”_

Gon frowns in thought. “Hmm. I don’t really know…”

_“How can you not know?”_

“Killua doesn’t look like he’s ready for that sort of thing yet.”

_“Huh, really?”_

“Yeah.” Gon sighs. He raises his free hand over his face, flexing his fingers a bit, before setting his hand back down on his chest. “He’s still pretty skittish just talking about it. I don’t mind that about him,” he adds before Leorio can say something. “It’s not like I really _want_ to be like that with him.”

 _“Wait. You’ve lost me a bit. You don’t_ want _to?”_

“It’s not _that,”_ Gon says. He makes a tiny irritated sound as he tries to figure out the right way to say what he means. “I want to, but- we don’t _have_ to be like that. I’m just happy that we’re together at all.”

_“That actually sounds really mature, Gon. You’re growing up, huh?”_

“Of course I am,” Gon says, laughing a bit at the idea. “Did you think that I wouldn’t?”

 _“Nah, it’s not that,”_ Leorio says. Gon can imagine him waving a hand to dismiss the notion, and he smiles. “ _I’m just feeling a bit…I don’t know, proud? We’ve been friends for a long time and you started out as a naïve kid- which you still are, a bit,_ ” and Gon laughs, but Leorio continues, _“but look at you now. You’re growing up and falling in love.”_

 _“_ You sound like an old man, Leorio,” Gon says, giggling when Leorio makes a sound of complaint.

“ _I’m not that old,_ ” Leorio grouses in annoyance. “ _And you’re starting to sound like the brat._ ”

“We’ve been together for a long time,” Gon says with a grin.

Leorio sighs in annoyance. “ _I can tell. So…I’m guessing you already told him how you feel?_ ”

“About that…”

“ _You_ haven’t? _Then how the hell does he know how you feel? You know and I know that Killua doesn’t easily figure things out when it comes to you!_ ”

“I know that,” Gon whines. “But I can’t just yet. I always do other things to make up for that, anyway.”

“ _And why exactly can’t you just tell him?_ ”

“I think,” Gon trails off, turning his head to look out at the expanse of grass and trees, “Killua might run away if I say something about my feelings. He’s already scared enough as he is.”

There’s only the sound of Leorio’s breathing for a moment. Gon doesn’t say anything and he closes his eyes, patiently waiting for Leorio to figure out what he wants to say.

It doesn’t take very long, and Gon opens his eyes again as soon as he hears Leorio clearing his throat.

“ _Hm. You’ve seriously grown up, haven’t you?_ ”

“Yeah,” Gon says, smiling in amusement as he blinks up at the porch ceiling. “I have.”

“ _You figured out all that just from being with him for a few months?_ ”

“A month is a long time, Leorio,” Gon says, grinning when he hears the “ _well, yeah,_ ” on Leorio’s end of the line. “And…I love him a lot. It’s hard not to notice that sort of thing.”

Leorio laughs and the sound is light, affectionate, yet Gon can feel it; it’s heavy with meaning, as subtle as the hint is in the tone of Leorio’s voice. “ _Yeah, I got that. So when are you going to tell him?_ ”

“I’m not. I’ll wait for Killua to tell me first.”

Leorio only barely manages to stifle a snort of amusement. “ _Seriously? Is this some sort of waiting game?_ ”

“I don’t want him to say that he loves me back because I told him first,” Gon says. He licks his dry lips, turning his head until he’s looking out from the porch again, his hand snug between the phone and the porch floor. “I want him to tell me because he’s ready- not because I forced him to. I’m fine with waiting, no matter how long it is.”

Leorio pauses, hesitant, before he says, “ _You thought about this a lot, haven’t you?_ ”

“I have. I want to be better, this time,” Gon says, closing his eyes as he turns his head back to face the porch ceiling. “I don’t want to do anything stupid that will hurt Killua. I want…I want him to feel that he’s safe with me.”

Gon imagines the smile on Leorio’s face when he laughs, the sound affectionate and warm, and he laughs too. “ _You’re a good kid, Gon. Killua- no,”_ he pauses, re-thinking his words, before settling for, “ _the two of you are lucky to have each other._ ”

“I think so too,” Gon agrees with a smile as he sits up, pushing himself up until he’s leaning back into the portion of the wall right next to the front door. “I’m glad that I met him. I’m glad that I met you too, and…”

“ _…yeah. I know._ ” Leorio sighs again, annoyance and affection somehow twining together as he says, “ _He’s still out there travelling. I’m sure he misses you guys as much as I do._ ”

“But you miss him a lot, don’t you?”

Gon can imagine the smile on Leorio’s face at his little laugh. “ _Heh. Yeah, I guess I do- even if we don’t get along that much.”_

“I think you get along just fine,” Gon says, smiling as he remembers the moments he had with them when he was still twelve and still so set on finding his father. “Why didn’t you just tell him to stay?”

Leorio hums in amusement. “ _You’re seriously asking me that?_ ”

“Mmhmm, of course! You didn’t have the same circumstances as I did when Killua and I separated- and I’m sure Kurapika wouldn’t mind settling down there with you.”

“ _You make it sound like we’re together or something,_ ” Leorio says, voice marked with a quiet kind of laughter. “ _I can’t ask that of him. He’s already finished with the goal that he’d set out to do. He can be happy out there now, without the thought of vengeance always in his head._ ”

Gon makes a small sound of understanding. Still, he asks, “Isn’t it lonely?”

“ _A bit, but it’s not like we don’t talk over the phone. He comes and visits me sometimes, anyway._ ” Leorio huffs. “ _Mostly when he needs medical help, the jerk._ ”

“Maybe he gets hurt to have an excuse to visit you,” Gon suggests.

Leorio laughs instantly. “ _Kurapika is smarter than that._ ”

“He could always learn first aid to help himself instead of always asking you, though? Since he’s smarter than most of us.”

“ _…hm. You make a good point._ ”

Gon grins. “Ask him about it the next time you meet.”

Leorio laughs again, most likely thinking of the possible outcome of doing such a thing. “ _Yeah, sure. Maybe he’ll even come tomorrow. I’m telling him that you were the one who said that, though._ ”

“I don’t mind,” Gon says, smiling as he cranes his neck back, idly gazing out from the porch to the view of Killua running right back out of the forest. He closes his eyes and breathes, feeling an odd kind of warmth settling in his chest. He says, “You should tell him to stay over sometime, so Killua and I can see the two of you together.”

“ _Got it.”_ There’s the sound of papers rustling in the background and a door clicking open, and he says, “ _Looks like I’ve got to go. Good luck figuring things out with Killua, Gon._ ”

Gon hums in appreciation at the sentiment. “Thanks, Leorio.”

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Gon sighs. He opens his eyes again, only to shriek in surprise when he sees Killua standing right in front of him. “ _Killua!_ ” He breathes out, a hand gripping at his chest in disbelief, “Don’t do that!”

“Don’t be so defenseless, then,” Killua says, smirking as he crouches down, only to flick a finger at Gon’s nose. Gon makes a muffled noise in complaint as he rubs at his nose, swiping his free hand out to retaliate, only to hit air as Killua jumps away and off the porch.

“You’re so unfair!”

“Not my fault that you’re too slow,” Killua says, laughing as he jogs backwards, dodging to the left when Gon tries to pounce on him with a jump from the porch stairs. “Still slow!” He yells, blatantly mocking him as he grins mischievously.

“Grr!” Gon shakes a fist as he makes an annoyed face at him, nose scrunching up as he frowns. The expression melts into a grin not long after when they both start off into a run, a laugh escaping him as he runs at his fastest to keep up with Killua’s pace.

One of the Kirikos get a hold of Killua and Gon pounces, ignoring Killua’s complaints of “ _that’s cheating!_ ” when they both land on the ground in a heap of tangled limbs. He’s laughing still when Killua rolls them both until he’s on top, the sound tapering into quiet giggles even as he sees the Kiriko leaving them to it with a smile.

 _I like you_ , he thinks as he grins up at Killua. Killua grins back, before yelping in surprise when Gon swiftly rolls them over until their positions are reversed. _I like you so much,_ he thinks, prays and wishes into Killua’s skin as he embraces him. 

_I wish you’d let me tell you._


	4. i wouldn't mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless [Gee Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for putting up with me while I was writing this whole thing. You are truly a blessing, friend.
> 
> Also, I'm very grateful for the nice comments I've been receiving! I'm honestly glad you guys are liking this ;-; Thank you very much for the support, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> The chapter title is based on He Is We's song, [I Wouldn't Mind.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qea3lLr5qQ)
> 
> Prompts:  
> 16\. I can't believe it's Saturday!  
> 17\. Did I ever tell you about the footprints?  
> 18\. You told me to look for the red teacup, but it's not there.  
> 19\. Something started scratching at the door.  
> 20\. So when are you going to decide?

“It’s Saturday now, huh?”

“Does it look like I care?”

Gon laughs when Killua shivers. “I didn’t think you’d get this cold, Killua. It must be even worse outside if you’re like this while we’re inside,” Gon says, biting back a smile as he watches Killua curl further into him. He knows that Killua isn’t exactly susceptible to cold weather, but Killua probably doesn’t know that he knows that. He prefers it that way, if only because it lets him be openly affectionate- even _if_ it’s for the sake of “conserving warmth.”

That Killua has to make up excuses is pretty cute too, in Gon’s opinion. He’s not going to tell Killua that, though.

“Hmm,” he hums, grinning as he turns to fully face Killua, who looks up in annoyance at having his human heater move without warning. “It’s good that we can keep warm like this, though.” He smiles, sincere and content, and closes his eyes as he pulls Killua close despite the other’s surprised squeaks of complaint.

It takes a while of silence before Killua grunts out a “hmph” in reply. Seconds tick by into minutes, neither of them talking as they huddle in their corner of the room, and Gon gets the feeling that there’s something missing.

He blinks his eyes open, peeking down at the top of Killua’s head, and frowns when he realizes that Killua really doesn’t plan on complaining about his teasing. The embarrassment that Gon had expected doesn’t come; Killua only relaxes against him, quiet and calm, his own arms slowly wrapping around Gon’s waist as he keeps his face hidden from Gon’s view.

The Killua from five years ago would have said something snappish in reply at him instead of reacting so calmly.

Gon bites his lip at that. He bows his head, breathing in Killua’s scent as he nuzzles into fluffy white hair. Killua makes a small noise at the disturbance and grumbles muffled complaints into Gon’s shirt, though he does nothing else to stop him. He remains mostly quiet, docile in Gon’s arms as he curls into him for warmth.

While one half of Gon’s mind would like to think that Killua is like this because he’s gradually getting used to the affection, the other half won’t keep quiet about how Killua is more subdued now because of everything that happened before. He loves Killua (he _really,_ really does), be it the Killua from years ago and the Killua of now, but...he can’t help from thinking- _remembering,_ that the Killua with him now is so different because of what he did.

And they were both wrong. He was wrong for doing everything on his own, and Killua was wrong for keeping quiet- but still. _Still._

Killua was still the one who saved him, in the end. And it was Killua who had to leave.

He sniffles a bit at the reminder.

“…Gon?”

“Yeah?”

Killua doesn’t look up, and Gon sniffles again. He’s not really crying as he is starting to, but the tears don’t come even when a few seconds tick by. His chest feels tight and he wishes he _could_ cry, if only to ease the discomfort- but what was there to cry for when it was all over?

“Don’t tell me you’re getting sick?”

Gon laughs at the question. “No, I don’t think so. Just getting the sniffles because it’s so cold, I guess. I’m fine.”

“Mm.” Killua looks askance up at Gon, his eyes narrowed as he regards him with a frown. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I am.” He smiles and raises a hand to cup Killua’s cheek. It takes a while of his thumb tracing circles on Killua’s temple before Killua finally reacts, his face burning bright red as he swats Gon’s hand away with a small sound resembling a squeak and a yelp.

“Are you _sure_ you aren’t sick?” Killua asks again, his face screaming bewilderment as he stares at Gon with wide eyes. “You just…”

“Your face is really cold, Killua,” Gon says, making Killua blink wide eyes at him in disbelief. He laughs at Killua’s bemused expression. "Sorry. I just thought that I wanted to touch your face, so I did.”

“Mm,” Killua hums; frowning still, he lowers his gaze to Gon’s chest as he contemplates the legitimacy of what Gon just said.

“We still have two days before this ship docks.”

Killua squints at him. “Yeah.”

“Do you think we can keep hugging for that long?”

“…what?”

“It’s really cold,” Gon moans, ignoring Killua’s yelp of “wait-!” as he hugs him close. He sighs when Killua relaxes into him, though it doesn’t help him one bit when he realizes that his nose is still cold from all the sniffling he’d done.

“You should’ve bought thicker clothing, Gon,” Killua mumbles, words vibrating against Gon’s chest as Gon holds him close.

“This is fine too, though,” Gon murmurs back, giggling when Killua makes an annoyed sound in response. The ache in his chest from earlier is gone when he tries to look for it, having disappeared at some point while he was talking to Killua, and he breathes out. Killua helped him like he always did, and he didn’t even know it.

He wishes he weren’t so selfish. Holding Killua close, pressing his lips against Killua’s hair like it were a kiss even though Killua wouldn’t take it that way- he wishes he could do everything for Killua’s sake like how Killua always did things for him, selfless and so loving that Gon sometimes wondered if he were really worthy of him.

But it isn’t like that. When he raises his cold hand to card it through white tufts, when he lets his other arm curl around Killua’s back with his hand trailing lines tickling Killua through thick garment; he doesn’t do any of those things just to comfort Killua. He doesn’t do any of those things solely because he loves him; him and all his concern and embarrassment and tiny smiles.

He does a lot of things because he loves Killua, but he does those things too because he knows Killua would always let him.

Gon knows, as much as Killua likes to think that he doesn’t, that Killua loves him enough to let him do all of those things, even when he’s never heard Gon say that he loves him. It scares Gon sometimes; thinking of just how much Killua could sacrifice for his sake- not because he didn’t understand, but because he _does._ After what he did, after what happened to him that made Killua go against his family to save him, he _knows._

He knows that, as much as Killua does love him, he’d be willing to sacrifice being with him so that his life would return to what it was. So that _he_ would return to what he was. And he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t _want_ Killua to sacrifice anything for him anymore.

He breathes in cold air, squeezing his eyes shut as he hugs Killua close. Killua doesn’t complain; he remains pliant in Gon’s embrace, his hold around Gon’s waist loose after having already succumbed to the temptation of sleep.

Gon would find a way. Somehow, someway, he’ll let Killua understand that he wouldn’t leave again. He would stay not because he owed Killua his time, nor because he promised, but because he loves him.

Because Killua is his most precious friend, just as much as he is Killua’s.

 

* * *

 

“Aww, look at them, Killua!”

“Gon, I _swear_ to god, if you don’t shut up about the footprints…”

“ _Ehhh._ ” Gon whines, folding fully-covered arms over his chest as he wrinkles his nose at Killua’s annoyed expression. “You’re no fun.”

“You’ve been talking about them ever since we _bought_ these boots,” Killua grumbles. He stops walking to glare at his own boots, his pair similar to Gon’s in that they were both designed to look like paws with the soles shaped in such a way that they left behind paw prints. The only reason he even bought a pair for himself was because Gon insisted- and it wasn’t like it was _that_ inconvenient for him, so he bought them.

But then Gon wouldn’t stop _talking_ about them.

“I just think it looks cute,” Gon grumbles, pouting as he turns around to face Killua. “You could’ve bought that hat too-”

“ _No,_ ” Killua bites out.

“But it’d be perfect! You have the cat paw prints, and then the cat-eared hat…”

“You’re starting to sound like my brother, Gon,” Killua says with a grimace, going on ahead of Gon before he can see Gon gawping at him.

It doesn’t take long for Gon to come back to his senses and start running after him through the falling snow. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Gon yells, face a picture of annoyance and confusion at not being able to understand what Killua means to imply.

Killua snorts in amusement. “He has a thing for those fictional girls with the cat ears and,” he makes a waving gesture with his hand, grimacing all the while, “ _other_ things.”

Gon is frowning when Killua turns to look at him. “I don’t get it.”

Killua sighs loudly, rubbing at the back of his head with a gloved hand in exasperation. “He’s an otaku,Gon. Considering how he enjoys that sort of thing, he’s sort of a perv.”

“How does that make him a perv?”

Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s innocent question. Did he really have to explain this sort of thing? “You sure you want me to explain that?”

“Well, _yeah,_ ” Gon says, one eyebrow raised in bemusement. “I still don’t get it, after all.”

“ _Fine._ He gets off on looking at those kinds of girls. Some of them wear cat ears, cat paws and cat tails- the whole shebang.”

Gon presses his lips together in a firm line at that. He moves one arm so that it’s supported by the one horizontal over his chest, his hand covering his mouth as though he’s contemplating something. “Hmm.”

Killua laughs at the serious expression on Gon’s face. As much as he’d like to stay annoyed, it’s sort of difficult to when Gon is taking the whole thing seriously. He’d only been joking, after all. “Are you seriously trying to figure out what that means?”

“No, no,” Gon says, not looking at Killua as he waves a hand in dismissal at Killua’s question. “I got it.”

Killua raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Really?”

“Yeah, of course.” Gon nods. “I’m just thinking… _would_ I get off on you wearing that sort of thing? I mean, you compared me to your brother, after all.”

“I…what.”

“You compared me to your brother, whom you called a perv, just because I thought that you should’ve gotten the whole set,” Gon says while gesturing to Killua’s form with a flourish. “I just thought it’d look cute, but then…”

“Wh- _Stop_ thinking about that!” Killua yells, backing away with both arms wrapped around his chest in disbelief. “Gon, what the hell?!”

Gon gawps in offense nigh instantly. “ _You_ were the one who implied that I was a perv!”

“I was just joking! You shouldn’t have taken that as a signal to imagine me doing- doing weird things!”

“I wasn’t imagining anything weird!”

“Oh yeah?!”

“I was just thinking about what you’d look like if you got everything!”

“ _Why_ were you imagining that! That’s still weird!”

“I just thought it would look nice!”

“No it would not!”

Gon frowns, folding his arms over his chest again as he takes in a deep breath before releasing it in one fell swoop. “You’d have agreed without question if Alluka told you to wear something like that, wouldn’t you?”

Killua tenses at that, gaze turning away from Gon and to the left as he remains silent.

“See?!” Gon yells, tone teeming with accusation. “You’re so biased, Killua!”

“She’s my sister!”

“ _I’m_ your best friend!”

The odd tone in Gon’s voice instantly makes Killua look up. He flinches when he sees the angry look in Gon’s eyes; his eyebrows are furrowed and his lips set into a deep frown, as though truly angry about such a trivial thing. Killua frowns, and says, “I…okay, that’s true, _but-_ ”

“I just thought it would look nice,” Gon interrupts, the angry look making way for a sulky one as he turns his gaze away and to the floor. “I already bought the dog-eared ones, but then you said that buying something like that for yourself was stupid.”

Killua sighs, relaxing once he realizes that Gon isn’t really angry anymore. “It sort of is? I mean, it looks…good on you,” he hesitates, flushing a bit when Gon brightens up at that and smiles at him. “But- it’s not really my thing, you know?”

“I think it’d look really good on you, though.”

“ _You’re_ the only one who would think that.”

“Alluka would disagree.”

“Alluka thinks a lot of things are cute- and _you_ ,” he says, pointing an accusatory finger in Gon’s direction, “are a bad influence on her.”

Gon frowns indignantly. “I just hung out with her for a bit!”

“You made her think that it’s fun to _tease_ me!”

“…but it really is.”

“Argh!” Killua yells, rubbing furiously at his hair with both gloved hands in frustration. “You are so _frustrating._ ”

Gon smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry?”

“Ugh.” Killua rolls his eyes, scratching the back of his head one last time before he huffs and sticks both of his hands in his coat’s pockets. “If you really want me to wear that stupid thing, you’ll have to use your own money to buy it for me.”

The moment that Gon starts beaming is the moment Killua pales in realization. “I was _joking,”_ he says, tone dripping with disbelief.

“No way, Killua. I’m buying it as a present!” And he grins, far too happy with the prospect, before stepping over to him and looping an arm around his elbow. “Let’s go and find one that suits you!”

“Gon _no-_ ”

“Come _on_ ,” Gon whines, tugging Killua forward until Killua has no choice but to follow after him. Sure, he could easily break away from Gon’s hold using just his strength- but was it really worth it to waste his energy fighting with Gon on something as childish as this?

He sighs in exasperation. “ _Fine_. I can’t believe we’re wasting time on something like buying a dumb _hat._ ”

“It’s not wasting time when I’m spending it with you,” Gon says without missing a beat, a smile on his face as he keeps his gaze on the snow-paved road.

Killua muffles his groan of disbelief with a gloved hand over his face.

 _Embarrassing_.

* * *

 

“Are you _sure_ you saw a red tea set in this shop?”

Gon nods furiously, looking determined as ever as he looks up and down the shop’s glass-locked shelves for the aforementioned tea set. “I’m definitely sure! Leorio mentioned wanting one, and I saw the red tea set and it was so _pretty._ But now I can’t find it,” Gon says, pouting by the end of his sentence as he squints at the shelves.

Killua sighs. He backs away from the shelf he’s looking at and eyes the shop counter to their right.

“You know what I’m gonna do?” He says, turning his head to look at Gon with a raised brow.

Gon straightens up, backing away from the shelf he’s squinting at to look at him with a blink. “What?”

Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s curious look. “I’m gonna ask the shop attendant.”

“…oh.”

Killua snickers at the look of realization on Gon’s face. “Yeah, _oh._ ” He rolls his eyes, though he smiles when he does it. It’s not like Gon to be so absent-minded, but considering how he’s been looking more thoughtful the past few days…Killua could cut him some slack, at least. He’ll definitely ask Gon about it at some point- but for now, he could let Gon be.

He walks up to the shop counter, tapping lightly on the bell to catch the shop attendant’s attention as she flitters about in the back. “Hey, miss,” he calls, just in case she hadn’t heard the bell first.

She looks up at that, blinking in surprise at having been called for, though she immediately puts up a smile once she sees that it’s a customer. She hops down from her step stool and heads over to the counter, shifting her glasses on her face as she says, “Yes? What may I help you with?”

He asks, gesturing vaguely behind him with a thumb, “Do you still have that red tea set from earlier? My friend saw it and wanted to buy it, but when he came back to this shop it wasn’t there.”

“Oh?” She blinks, lips pursing as she thinks, until she says, “Oh!” She claps her hands together, the tips of her fingers pressing to her lips as she nods in understanding. “You mean the one with the swirling gold designs?”

“Yeah!” Gon pipes up from behind him, making Killua grunt in surprise as he bounds over and leans on Killua’s shoulder. “It’s that one! Do you still have it?”

“Yes, though we had to take it out for a little bit to clean it up. It’s the only set like that in our shop, so we have to make sure it’s spick-and-span whenever we display it.” She smiles brightly. “Would you like to buy it?”

“Yes! How much is it?” Gon says instantly, looking far too excited at the idea of buying a surprise gift for Leorio. Killua huffs out a sigh, feeling oddly affectionate at the little joys Gon found wherever he went.

“That would be 4,792 Jenny,” she tells them, smiling in amusement when Gon immediately whips out his wallet. “Please wait for a moment,” she says, giggling when Gon looks up at her with a blink of surprise. “I’ll go get the tea set from the back. Would you like me to put it in a gift bag?”

“Yes please!”

She nods with a smile before leaving for the backroom to the shop.

Killua idly looks around as he waits, not quite as eager as Gon when it came to buying something for his friends. Not to say that he didn’t like doing it, but…he’s not really the type of guy for it.

“Leorio will be surprised that we bought him something, huh?”

“Obviously,” Killua says with a scoff. “He only just mentioned it, and now you’re buying it. You’re really something, Gon.”

“If it can help, it’s fine with me,” Gon says, smiling as he leans on the counter. “We sort of owe him for not visiting at all ever since we got back together.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Killua sighs, leaning back into the counter with his arms folded over his chest. He absently listens as the shop attendant comes back and converses with Gon for a bit, not really paying enough attention to want to stay. He pushes himself off the counter to head out of the shop ahead of Gon, tugging his hat lower so that they covered his ears as he went.

Neither of them said it, but they both knew that there was a reason for the lack of visits.

It wasn’t like they could fix everything between the two of them in a few days. Then the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, until it was almost a quarter of a year in since they were together and they hadn’t visited Leorio once.

If he were honest with himself, he might admit that it was probably because he got caught up in being with Gon that he forgot to consider everything else.

He scrunches up his nose when a snowflake drops on it, immediately rubbing at his face with a gloved hand. He breathes out, watching as his breath comes out in visible puffs in front of him.

It remains that he doesn’t know what the whole of Gon’s reason is, though. Gon isn’t the type to just forget his other friends like that, considering his friendly disposition.

“I got it!” Gon says, grinning as he comes out of the shop with a gold-colored gift bag in one hand. Killua looks up at him with an amused smile. “Want to get some hot cocoa before we head back to the inn?”

He nods as soon as he hears the words ‘hot cocoa’ fall from Gon’s mouth. “Definitely.” He grins when Gon laughs at his enthusiasm for the drink. “You want the minty hot cocoa, right?” He asks, already walking for the small café a couple of buildings away from the shop selling porcelain wares.

“Mmhm!”  Gon falls into step beside him, his smile becoming hidden as he raises his scarf up to his nose.

Killua raises an eyebrow at him. “You sure you’re not too cold?”

“Just a bit,” Gon answers. While Killua can’t see it, he can definitely guess that Gon’s smiling sheepishly at him from under his red scarf. “It’s okay, though. We can warm up in the inn with our hot cocoas!”

“Mm, yeah.”

“Do you think Kurapika will be with Leorio when we come over?”

Killua blinks at the non sequitur. “...hm.” He slips both of his gloved hands into his coat’s pockets. “Who knows, really. He doesn’t actually stick to one place.”

Gon nods, making a small sound in agreement. “That’s true…”

“Was that what you were thinking about while we were still on the ship?”

Gon blinks up at him in surprise. “Huh?”

Killua looks away, scratching at the back of his covered head as he sighs. He turns to look back at Gon eventually, his own expression neutral as Gon regards him with curiosity. “I’ve been seeing you lost in thought for a while.”

Gon blinks again, before turning his gaze away from him and to the snowy road. “Oh.”

Killua frowns. “Oh?”

Gon smiles sheepishly up at him, his scarf having lowered enough when he bowed his head for Killua to see his whole face. “I didn’t think you would notice.”

Killua scoffs at the deflection. “As if I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I guess you’d have noticed. Killua is really observant, after all,” Gon says, looking away from him again to look up at the cloudy sky. “Mm. Should I tell you?”

Killua frowns at the question. Maybe it was something he couldn’t know, after all. The thought pained him, just a bit. He’d thought that they wouldn’t be keeping secrets from each other now- but maybe he was wrong. “…if you want to.”

Gon smiles at the answer. “When we get back to the inn, then. I’ll tell you everything.”

Killua blinks at that, automatically looking to Gon in surprise. “Really?”

“Mmhm! But first,” Gon grins, a bit more cheery than before as he grips onto Killua’s elbow. “Hot cocoa!”

Killua sputters when Gon drags him along to the café across the street, though he doesn’t do anything to pull away from his hold. There’s a short line when they get there, and it doesn’t take long before they’re ordering their drinks.

Much as he’s winded when Gon dragged him along to the café, he’s not winded enough to forget what he’d sought to do when he asked Gon what he wanted. He slaps the money on the counter for the drinks as soon as Gon finishes dictating what they want, ignoring Gon’s complaints as he sits himself down in one of the free seats by the window.

“ _Killua_ ,” Gon whines, leaning over the table and into Killua’s space as he talks, “I could have bought my own drink!”

“And I don’t care,” Killua says, smirking as he pokes Gon in the forehead. “You already used up enough money buying stuff for me and Leorio, so just accept it.”

“But-”

“ _No_ buts,” Killua snaps, tone firm as he squints his eyes at Gon. “Just repay me by telling me what it is that you’ve been hiding from me these past couple of days.”

Gon pouts. “…fine.”

Killua nods, satisfied with the answer. He smiles instantly when the barista from earlier sets their two paper cups filled with hot cocoa on their table.

“Thanks!” Gon says for the two of them, grinning as he gets his own cup. He stands up as soon as he gets a proper hold on his cup, taking up the space by Killua’s side as he walks out of the café with his own drink in hand.

“Mm, god,” Killua moans as he takes a sniff of the hot cocoa in his covered cup. “I love chocolate.”

“Better not drink it while it’s still too hot, though.”

“D’you think it matters? It’s not like I can get really hurt from this sort of th- _ow._ ” He winces when Gon pinches him on the arm. “ _Fine,_ you worrywart. Jeez.”

“Good!” Gon grins, before taking a good smell from his own cup. “Aah, it smells really nice.”

“’course it does.” Killua hums as they both turn a corner to head for the inn they’re staying at.

“Hmm.” Gon hums, smiling all the while as takes another sniff of the drink in his hand. “Because it’s chocolate?”

“ _Because_ it’s chocolate.”

They both giggle.

“I like chocolate, but you’re definitely something else, Killua,” Gon says, smiling at him with a raised brow as they keep walking through the thick snow.

“What’s not to love?”

“No, it’s just- you _really_ love it.”

“What’s your point?”

“…don’t you ever think that it’s a bit unhealthy?”

Killua makes a face at the very notion. “What? No. Besides, it’s not like chocolate can actually hurt me.”

Gon rolls his eyes. “They can’t hurt you _now_ , but they can hurt you in the long run. Think of all the sugar you’re consuming!”

“Since _when_ did you even care about that sort of thing?”

Gon sniffs. “…Leorio might have talked to me a bit.”

“ _I knew it._ ” Killua frowns. “That old man likes to meddle with me far too much.”

“He just worries about you- and I do, too!”

Killua sighs in exasperation. “You honestly _think_ that chocolate can harm my health? After all the poison I’ve already taken since I was a baby?”

Gon grows silent at that.

Killua blinks, confused at the sudden solemn expression on Gon’s face. “What?”

Gon frowns as he looks at him. “I…almost forgot about that.”

Killua makes a small sound of amusement at that. “Is that it? You made me think I said something wrong.”

“…mm.”

Gon remains silent, looking contemplative as he turns his gaze down to his cup of hot cocoa.

Killua frowns. He looks away, only to blink in surprise when he realizes that they’ve already reached their inn. He opens his mouth to say something, only to snap it shut again once he realizes that Gon still hasn’t stopped looking contemplative. He bites his lip, dragging his feet through the carpet to remove the snow stuck to his soles, before following after Gon to the room they share.

“You know, Killua,” Gon begins, making Killua jerk into alertness right as he’s unlocking the door. “I didn’t think it would be easy to forget that sort of thing.”

“What sort of thing?” Killua says, opening the door to let Gon in first, before coming in after him.

“The fact that you grew up the way you did.”

Killua blinks in bemusement. He shuts the door behind him with a quiet click, before saying, “…okay?”

Gon frowns as he sets the gift bag down a couple of feet away from the bed, most likely to ensure that it won’t get caught up in any of their messy sleeping. He unwinds the scarf from his neck and sets it down on the bedside table beside their single bed, before setting his hat on top of it.

“I forgot a lot of things, didn’t I?” Gon says, sitting on the edge of their single bed with a conflicted expression. He brings his drink up to his mouth, before taking a slow sip. He says, frowning still, “I’m sorry.”

“Whoa now.” Killua’s eyebrows rise at the sudden apology. He removes his hat and jacket after setting his own cup of hot cocoa on the bedside table, letting the garments lie in a crumpled heap on the floor as he sits beside Gon on the large bed. “Where’s all of this coming from?”

Gon looks up at him and Killua swallows back any jokes he’d intended to make. The look in his eyes is intense- almost as intense as _before_ , in that time that Killua would prefer to forget. Killua watches, tense and alert, as Gon sets his cup down beside Killua’s. “Wh-what?”

He makes a small squeak-like sound when Gon opts to hug him without warning.

“I’m really _really_ sorry.”

“We already talked about this,” Killua says in one breath, sighing as he pats Gon on the back. Hugging Gon is a little different now, considering how much…buffer he got, over the years they’d spent separated, but it’s still nice. He can’t help from feeling a bit uncomfortable though, seeing as Gon’s _breathing_ down his neck and he’s twisted to the side- and _yeah_ , he’s flexible, but he’d really rather not have Gon take advantage of that.

“Still,” Gon says, his face in Killua’s shoulder making Killua feel embarrassingly warm all over, “I don’t think-”

“ _Gon._ ”

“Nn?”

“I told you, didn’t I? Just…find a way to make it up to me.”

“But it’s _hard_ to,” Gon whines into his turtleneck shirt.

Killua groans at the return of Gon’s childish whining. “Yeah? You could buy me chocolate-”

“ _No._ ”

“Damn it.”

“ _Killua_ ,” Gon groans, nuzzling furiously into Killua’s shoulder like it’s going to change anything, “you’re not taking me seriously!”

“You were already my slave for a week and I made you do _everything_ for me,” Killua says, rolling his eyes, trying desperately not to cry from how they were going over this thing _again._

He knows that he still has nightmares, and he _knows_ that that sort of thing just isn’t forgotten that easily- but for Gon to keep bringing it up after _months_ of being together is fucking ridiculous, even for him.

“You know what would make me really happy?” He asks, watching as Gon jerks back instantly in surprise at the statement.

“What?”

Killua grins widely as he reaches out to pinch both of Gon’s cheeks. “You could _stop_ reminding me of that.”

“Owww, Killua-”

“Seriously! Why do you keep bringing this up?!”

“I can’t help it,” Gon moans through the pinching, looking the perfect picture of pitiful as he blinks teary eyes at Killua. “I keep remembering what I did and I can’t say _sorry_ enough-”

“Then do something to make it up to me!”

“But _you_ were wrong too, you know?!”

Killua gawps at the accusation, letting Gon push away his hands from his face. “What?”

“You didn’t tell me anything! You let me do whatever I wanted, and you kept expecting me to say something _for you._ ” Gon says, rubbing at his cheeks with a grumpy look. “I was wrong, but so were you.”

Killua frowns at that. ”I…”

“But! But,” Gon says, eyebrows furrowed as he cups Killua’s cheeks, grinning when he pushes his hands enough that Killua’s lips pucker up. “That doesn’t mean that I’m angry at you at all. You didn’t mean to be quiet, Killua.”

Killua frowns at Gon, trying to pry his hands away, only to fail when Gon makes a face at him for his efforts. “Gon, please just-“

“You know that you’re my best friend, right?”

“…yeah.” Killua’s lip trembles a bit but he bites down on his lower lip, keeping it as still as he can as he struggles not to look away from Gon’s gaze. “I do.”

“You _know_ that I care about you, right?”

Killua presses his lips together in a firm line. “…yeah.”

Gon eyes him with a raised brow. “Really?”

Killua wrinkles his nose in annoyance. “ _Yes_. Yes, alright? I know.”

“And you care about me too, don’t you?”

Killua flushes at the question, pressing his lips together again to let Gon know that he isn’t going to say anything.

Gon frowns. “Killua?”

“ _Ugh,_ ” Killua groans. He squeezes his eyes shut as he sucks in a breath. “ _Yes,_ okay? Why do you even have to ask me that?”

Gon grins. “I had to make sure.”

“You are so full of yourself.”

“No I’m not,” Gon huffs, pouting as removes his hands from Killua’s face to wrap his arms around his shoulders. Killua makes a small noise of complaint at the embrace but doesn’t struggle, eventually slumping into Gon’s hold with a sigh. Gon giggles and props his chin on top of Killua’s head. “We should stay in tomorrow.”

“I am _not_ going to stay in just to have a heart-to-heart talk with you,” Killua grumbles, wrinkling his nose in distaste even though he knows Gon can’t see his face. “We have had enough of that, Gon.”

“I was just thinking we could stay here and recover a bit from the cold.”

“Yeah? That’s probably just another excuse for something else.”

“Well, maybe I’m just making an excuse for you.”

Killua pulls away to gawk at him. “What?”

Gon smiles, something sly in the way that he raises his brow as he says, “You know? I could let you conserve heat with me.”

Killua almost shoves Gon back at that, though that motion’s stopped when Gon grips him by his arms. He sputters, red-faced and irritated at being toyed with, “I can’t _believe_ you-”

“It’s a perfectly good excuse, though!” Gon assures him, though he laughs when Killua wrinkles his nose at him in disbelief. “Really! And I don’t mind it.” He smiles. “I like cuddling with you, so.”

“How can you even say that sort of thing with a straight face?” Killua snaps.

“I just can? It’s true, anyway.” Gon smiles and releases Killua’s arms from his grip, before pulling him close with both arms wrapping around his neck. Killua grunts when Gon tugs him closer, the tips of his ears still pink with embarrassment as Gon pulls him in until they’re both lying on the bed.

Killua sighs, and while he’d intended for it to come out as exasperated, it sounds a little bit more like he’s given up to the contentment Gon’s embrace provided. He says, voice slightly muffled into Gon’s chest, “The hot cocoa’s gonna get cold if you don’t stop that.”

“It’s already not that hot anymore,” Gon tells him, smiling as he pats Killua’s head. Killua makes a small annoyed sound at the touch but doesn’t make a move to stop him. “This is better.”

“…idiot.”

 

* * *

 

 There’s something scratching at the door. It’s been going on for two minutes now, unceasing, and Killua thinks he might kill- _break_ something if it doesn’t stop.

“Do you want to check who it is?”

Killua huffs, curling in further into the warmth of their fluffy blanket. “No.”

He feels Gon shrug against his back. “Okay,” he says. (Killua tries not to think of how comfortable it is to have Gon hugging him from behind, but it’s difficult to ignore considering how Gon is squeezing him close.)

Two seconds tick by.

 _Scritch_.

Ten seconds.

 _Scratch_.

Five minutes.

_Scritch. Scratch._

“I _swear_ to god-”

Killua hops off of the bed, ignoring Gon’s laughter at his annoyance as he swings the door open to see whatever it is that’s scratching at their door.

He feels his eye twitch in disbelief when he sees a small kitten looking up at him from the doorstep.

“Aww, it’s a kitty!”

“An annoying kitten,” Killua snaps, clenching his fists by his sides to keep from hurling the small thing away. He twitches when it gets up on all four paws and comes closer, only to rub its way around his legs. “Ugh,” he moans, trying to wiggle his feet to ward it away. The kitten only takes it as a signal to play with his slipper-clad foot, meowing along the way as it paws at his ankle.

“It likes you!”

He sighs at the look of sheer glee on Gon’s face. “Seriously? It’s just a cat.”

“But it _likes_ you,” Gon repeats, eyes glittering with amazement as he crawls over to the edge of the bed, before propping his chin up on his open palms. He coos when the kitten tries to climb up Killua’s pants. “ _Aww._ ”

Killua makes a face down at the fluffy white thing. It probably only likes him because he’d been nice to it a day ago, when he’d been waiting outside for Gon and it came up to him with a tiny pleading meow. He’d petted it, just for the sake of curiosity.

It was a mistake.

“Where the hell is your owner?” He asks as he crouches down, squinting at the kitten as he hooks a finger into the collar around its neck. He rolls his eyes when the kitten meows at him again, before pawing at his hand as though trying to ask for a pat.

“There,” he huffs, watching as the kitten purrs when he pets it and scratches behind its ears. “You happy now?”

The kitten meows in reply and Gon giggles, clearly entertained with how Killua is handling the tiny ball of fluff. He rolls his eyes, before picking it up and cradling it in his arms. “Want to go help me look for its owner?” He asks.

Gon frowns. “Does it have to go so soon?”

Killua breathes out a sigh. He says, “Gon, the cat isn’t ours.”

“It could stay for a while, though?”

He raises an eyebrow in incredulity. “It’s like saying that you didn’t kidnap it because you’re just borrowing it for a while.”

Gon whines, “But that’s what it is!”

“Gon, no.”

“ _Killuaaaa._ ”

“What the hell, Gon? What if a kid is crying out there because they’re missing their cat? What if they _die_ because they keep looking out there in the cold?”

Gon sniffs at that. “You didn’t have to make it sound that bad…”

Killua stifles a snort of amusement at how Gon is pouting at him. “I’m just saying. Come on-”

“Hana!”

Killua jerks in surprise when he turns to the sight of a black-haired lady right in his face. “Wh-”

“I am so sorry, was she bothering you?” She asks, looking down at the kitten in his arms with pursed lips and turned up brows. She’s panting and her face is flushed; Killua can tell that she’s been running around trying to look for the cat in his arms. “She’s been prowling around here for a while- but I didn’t think she’d actually try to come into anyone’s room.” She smiles, sheepish and embarrassed as she straightens up and backs off to give him his much needed space. She says with a little laugh, “She’s one of those cats that easily get attached to strangers, so it’s no surprise that she came over.”

“Oh,” Killua says dumbly, before shaking his head in disbelief at his own lack of articulation. “No- I mean, it’s fine.” He smiles, before handing over the kitten to her. She gratefully accepts the ball of fur with a relieved sigh. “You should probably keep a better eye on her if you don’t want to lose her again.”

“I will,” she says, bowing her head for a second in thanks. She grins at him and he flushes pink, unused to being thanked still. “Thank you very much for being kind to her.”

“It’s no problem, really,” Killua says while rubbing at his nape, his gaze turned to the side when he speaks.

“He enjoyed her visit so it’s fine!” Gon pipes from inside the room, making the lady laugh in amusement. Killua reddens at being called out on his slightest bit of enjoyment in the cat’s visit and glares at Gon from the corner of his eyes. Gon offers a cheeky grin in response; he’s never been the type to get fazed by Killua glaring at him.

“I’m glad. I’m sorry that she couldn’t stay and play with you for long, though,” she says, frowning as she pets the kitten on the head. “I was looking for her because we had to go.”

“Mm, it’s okay.” Killua shrugs and slides both of his hands back into his pockets. “At least she got to visit before you left.”

She smiles brightly at those words. “That’s true. What’s your name?”

“Killua. That guy over there is Gon,” he says, smiling in amusement when Gon waves a greeting from the bed. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Erin,” she says, before grinning as she waves one of the kitten’s paws with a hand. “This is Hana.” She nods her head again, before looking back up at him with a smile. “I’m sorry that we have to leave so soon, but I’m glad we got to meet! I hope we’ll see each other again.”

Killua laughs at that idea, but doesn’t tell her off for her optimistic comment. She clearly doesn’t know who he is, and he doesn’t plan to divulge his last name to ruin her first impression of him. She’ll surely find out on her own, anyway. “Yeah, sure. Take better care of your cat, Erin.”

She laughs at that. “I definitely will.” She nods one more time, giving him a grin, before heading off with the meowing kitten in her arms.

“Hey, Killua?”

Killua looks back at Gon as he shuts the door, raising a brow when he sees Gon with his chin propped over his twined fingers. “What?”

Gon smiles widely. “All good hunters get along well with animals.”

Killua smirks at the familiar quote, though the play at indifference doesn’t work out well with the light flush on his face. Still, he says, all while nudging Gon back with a foot to his half of the bed; “Whatever you say, Gon.”

Gon laughs but moves as asked, lying on his side as Killua gracelessly flops onto the space beside him.

“It’s true,” Gon says, smiling as Killua rolls over on his side until he’s facing him.

Killua huffs out a laugh. He smiles and it’s gentle, his gaze soft; he knows that it’s telling but he doesn’t care. If only for a moment, he wants to let Gon see just how he feels. He doesn’t know if Gon understands, or if he’s the only one who feels like his heart is going to beat its way out of his chest- but that doesn’t matter.

He says, smiling still with unwavering affection, “Yeah, I know.”

 

* * *

  

The questions are there, even when no one asks them. There is always something to be chosen, something to be left behind, something to regret and something to cherish, and Killua knows that he wouldn’t be where he is now if he hadn’t decided on the things he’d done in the past.

To choose between his family, or living his own life. To choose a life that has been laid out for him, or to choose a life where he couldn’t predict any of the outcomes. Would he be happy? Would he be miserable?

When Gon laughs at him, flicks cold snow onto his coat because he thinks it’s funny, Killua remembers that he chose the harder path.

He chose to leave, even though he didn’t know where his feet would take him.

He was given a choice. To find his own goal by himself, or to stay with Gon and help him fulfill his goal until Killua could find out what he wanted to do.

He chose to be with Gon.

He sighs and his breath comes out in visible puffs. Sometimes, when he blinks, he remembers being left behind as Gon defeated Neferpitou alone. Other times, when he sleeps, he remembers that Gon called him his best friend, and he is reminded of the warmth that he’d felt when Gon acknowledged him as someone precious to him.

Gon walks ahead of him, arms swinging by his sides as he looks up at all of the strings of light hanging over tree branches. Killua hides a smile when Gon looks over at him, though he can’t help a small laugh when Gon grins widely at him.

Saving Gon wasn’t a choice as it was a duty. Gon is his best friend and his most important person; he couldn’t hesitate- _wouldn’t_ \- because it was _his_ job to save him. There was no one else who could.

And, in saving Gon, he chose to leave. It was painful, and he was angry; why couldn’t he be happy? Why couldn’t he have anything he wanted without the world telling him that he could never deserve anything good? _Why_ was everything so unfair?

Eventually, he realized; he could be happy even without Gon by his side. He’d lived twelve years without him and it was dull, dark and desolate- but he had Alluka. He had her, and they were happy, even when all he’d been learning to do as he grew was how to kill people in the most efficient way.

He could be happy again, even if Gon wasn’t there. He could learn. And Alluka helped him remember that he was someone important, that someone could love him without being asked to, and that he could love back just as much. She reminded him that he wasn’t alone because he had her- he has _always_ had her, and that wouldn’t change.

He was happy. He was also tired, and angry, and he felt that there was still something missing- but he lived with all of it, because it was the choice that he made. It was more than enough to have his sister by his side at all, and he was content.

Then Gon lost his sense for nen, and Kurapika and Leorio went off to a place that neither he nor Gon could touch because they weren’t _strong enough_ \- so many things seemed like they were going to break and he almost felt like he’d chosen wrong. He could have picked a life without Gon, and he wouldn’t be as scared and broken and angry as he was.

He wouldn’t have known what it felt like, to be happy just by having someone beside him.

“Killua!”

He blinks, cocking his head in question as Gon stops walking to face him fully. “What?”

_Click._

_Snap._

His eyes widen when he realizes just what it is Gon’s holding in his hands. Gon laughs and runs as soon as Killua does, the camera tucked carefully into his arms as he weaves his way through the trees. “Hey!” Killua yells, scowling when a snowball is thrown his way. “If you wanted a picture so badly you could’ve just asked for it!”

“No way!” Gon yells back, laughing all the while as he runs back into the open space of the park. “You look your best when you’re not trying, Killua!”

“Why you-!”

But he laughs, grinning when he runs after Gon without the aid of his nen. What was heavy on his chest is gone, replaced by a dizzying sense of freedom as he feels cold air whipping past him.

Somewhere along the line, he realized that the paths that he’d have to choose from since the beginning and the last, from when he first met Gon until the moment that he left Alluka in Mito-san’s care, had always been the same.

It was either a life with Gon, or without him.

Gon shrieks the moment Killua manages to pounce on him, though the camera is still safe in the cocoon his arms made around it as they fell. “I just wanted a picture,” Gon whines, curling in on himself so that Killua can’t take the camera.

“Then you should’ve asked for my _permission_ ,” Killua say into Gon’s ear, making Gon squeak in surprise when cold air tickles his earlobe.

“ _Nooo_ ,” Gon wails, catching the attention of a few passers-by as Killua struggles to get the camera from his arms. “You look really nice in this one, so don’t delete it!”

“And why wouldn’t I? Didn’t Mito-san ever teach you that it’s rude to take photos without asking if it’s okay?”

“But it looked perfect,” Gon huffs, making Killua freeze where he is in surprise. Gon looks up at him, face devoid of a smile or any hint of mischief, and Killua blinks. Gon says, not looking particularly concerned that he’s lying on cold snow, “You were standing there, in the middle of the park, and the snow made you look really,” he trails off, hand rising to wipe away the snow that had gotten on Killua’s face, “pretty.”

He smiles when Killua flushes red at his words.

“I don’t need to hear that from you,” Killua snaps, embarrassed as he gets off of Gon and pats the snow off his clothes. Gon grins up at him and Killua rolls his eyes, though he holds out a hand to help Gon up anyway.

“Let’s go get hot cocoa?” Gon suggests as he pats his own clothes down.

“You’ll let it get cold again.”

Gon huffs. “I won’t!”

Killua scoffs at the unlikeliness of Gon’s words, but he starts walking in the direction of the café nonetheless. He doesn’t bother to hide a smile when Gon catches up to him, letting it grow into a grin when Gon smiles back.

The decision had probably been made, even before he knew what Gon would mean to him. In any other life, he was sure that he’d have chosen the same thing.

It was always going to be a life with Gon than without him.


	5. unravel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for this chapter. It's terrible, but I didn't know how else to write it. I am so, so sorry. ;-; Thank you to [Gee Writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for being an awesome friend and supporting me through this whole thing. I probably wouldn't have posted this if not for her ;;; I hope you guys like it a bit! 
> 
> Chapter title was based on the song unravel by TK from Ling tosite sigure, though I was listening to the [dubstep version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOokq6V7xjc) as I wrote the whole fic. Ahaha.
> 
> Prompts:  
> 21\. We need to make a list.  
> 22\. She couldn't have heard that right.  
> 23\. The light shining on the wall made him nervous.  
> 24\. There must be at least twenty of them.  
> 25\. It's been like that all night!

“We need to make a list.”

“That’s a given,” Killua says, looking bored as he picks up the notepad and pen from their bedside table.

“No, no, I wasn’t talking to you,” Gon says, grinning when Killua directs a blank stare at him. He taps the phone pressed close to his ear, and says, “I’m talking to Alluka.”

“So? Aren’t we talking about the same thing?”

“No we’re not.” Gon smiles like Killua is the funniest thing he’s seen in weeks; Killua frowns because he doesn’t understand what he did to merit such a look. “We stopped talking about the trek to the mountain an hour ago, Killua.”

“Oh,” Killua hums, wiggling his way down the bed until he’s flat on his back on the bed, his head supported by a pillow as he sets the notepad and pen on his chest. Gon giggles quietly at the sight of him. A relaxed Killua is always nice to see, considering how Killua doesn’t relax very often. For good reasons, Gon knows, but still.

“Then what were you talking about?” Killua asks, closing his eyes, before blinking one eye open as Gon turns his head to look at him.

“ _Does onii-chan really want to know?_ ”Alluka asks on the other line. Gon laughs at the question.

“Alluka is asking if you _really_ want to know,” Gon says, pulling his knees up to his chest so he can use them as a headrest. He grins down at Killua as he rests his cheek on his knees. “Do you?”

Killua rolls his eyes. “Why would I ask if I didn’t?”

“ _Onii-chan has a point.”_

“Mm, he does. So, do we tell him?”

“ _Yeah!_ ” She giggles. “ _Tell me how he looks like once you tell him, okay?”_

“Sure, sure. I’m keeping the phone on so you can hear, though.” He laughs when Killua raises an eyebrow in question at him. He lowers the phone and says, “We were planning on making a list for all your good points as a late birthday present. We thought about it a little too late, but we wanted to do it anyway.” He grins widely when Killua stares at him with furrowed brows and wide eyes. “I think it’s a great idea! Don’t you?”

Killua hesitates, fingers twining tightly over his chest in a clasp, then says, “That’s stupid.”

Gon frowns at the answer. “No it’s not!”

“Yes it is!” Killua retorts instantly, and Gon would retaliate with something childish- because that’s just what happens when he’s with Killua- but he stops once he notices the hint of pink in Killua’s cheeks. “Why would you even _do_ something like that? And my birthday was over weeks ago.”

“Then it’s a gift for no special reason.” He grins when Killua makes a face at him. “It’s cute how you’re so embarrassed, Killua.”

“Why do I have to deal with this,” Killua groans instead of replying to Gon’s words, setting the notepad and pen aside before rolling over until his face is hidden by the pillow he’d been lying on. _“Why.”_

Gon puts the phone back to his ear, stifling a laugh as he says, “We could start the list if you want, Alluka. It doesn’t look like Killua’s going to stop us.”

“ _Okay! I’ll write it down and you can tell onii-chan what I’m saying._ ”

“Got it.” Gon grins when Killua peeks up at him, his nose wrinkled in distaste at what Gon and Alluka are doing. Gon says, just for the sake of teasing Killua, “He’s hiding his red face in a pillow, by the way.”

“Shut up!” Killua yells, smacking his pillow into Gon, who laughs at his embarrassment.

Alluka giggles on the other end of the line. “ _Tell onii-chan that I think it’s cute,_ ” Alluka chirps, far too happy at having gotten to hear her brother getting flustered because of them.

“Alluka says that you’re cute,” Gon says, biting back a wide grin when Killua reaches out to smack him in the arm. He giggles, not particularly affected by the weak smack, and Killua huffs before turning away from him again.

“ _Number one,_ ” Alluka begins, “ _Onii-chan loves me and Nanika a lot._ ”

“Number one,” Gon repeats, “Killua loves Alluka and Nanika a lot.”

“Why do you have to list that,” Killua says, voice muffled by the pillow as he keeps his red face hidden. “Of course I’d love her and Nanika.”

Gon smiles at the honest admission. “You heard that?” He says into the receiver.

Alluka makes a small sound of agreement, something like a shaky “mmhm!”, and says, “ _Yes, I did. Please tell onii-chan that I love him a lot too._ ”

“She says-”

“Yeah, I know,” Killua interrupts, turning his head enough so Gon can see his face. He squints when Gon smiles at him, though that doesn’t do anything to lessen the flush of red on his face. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Alluka giggles. “ _Number two: onii-chan cares about his friends a lot._ ”

“Number two: Killua cares about his friends a lot.”

“ _Three: onii-chan is very brave._ ”

“Three: Killua is very brave.”

“ _Four: onii-chan is really smart!_ ”

“Four: you’re really, _really_ smart,” Gon says, grinning as looks down at Killua. Killua huffs but doesn’t complain; he’s probably already acknowledged him and Alluka as a lost cause and has given up on trying to dissuade them from what they’re doing. It’s not like it’s anything bad, anyway.

“ _Five: onii-chan likes making the people he loves happy._ ”

“Five: you like making the people you love happy.”

“ _Six: onii-chan is a great big brother and best friend._ ”

“Six: you’re a great big brother and best friend.”

“ _Seven: onii-chan is selfless._ ”

“Killua is selfless,” Gon says, smiling softly, watching as Killua looks at him with slightly furrowed brows. Thinking, contemplating what he just heard, as he always does. As though he didn’t think Gon or Alluka would notice such a thing, or that they’d appreciate it, and him; as if Killua being selfless was anything new.

“Killua is kind, and he loves a lot,” Gon says on his own, now, his smile widening when he hears the sound of Alluka agreeing over the phone. “Killua is a good person, through and through, no matter what.”

“I get it,” Killua says, having already hidden his face in his pillow while Gon was talking. “I get it, so- just- _I get it._ ”

“ _Hey, Gon?_ ”

“Mm?” He hums into the phone, watching as Killua shifts a bit on the bed, most likely to try and discreetly wipe away the tears that Gon had noticed forming in his eyes a few seconds ago.

“ _Could you do something for me?_ ”

“What is it?”

“ _Could you kiss Killua’s hair for me? I do that whenever he forgets that someone cares about him, and,_ ” she trails off, sounding sad, “ _it happens too often. I don’t like it._ ”

“I don’t like it either,” Gon tells her. “And I’ll do it.”

“ _Thank you. I’ll leave you and onii-chan to it- so…please take care of him for me, okay?_ ”

Gon smiles softly at those words, feeling a comfortable kind of warmth welling up in his chest at Alluka’s concern. “I will. It’s a promise.”

She giggles. “ _Thank you, Gon. Let’s talk later too! We still haven’t finished the list, after all.”_

 _“_ Definitely! Bye, Alluka. _”_

_Click. Beep. Beep._

He slides his phone back into his pocket before turning to look at Killua, who looks like he’s only just beginning to fall into a light nap from how his body is growing relaxed.

He reaches out, unhesitant as he touches soft white hair. Killua makes a small sound but doesn’t flinch, he shifts but doesn’t pull away, and Gon acknowledges it as Killua allowing his touch. “Hey, Killua,” he whispers, leaning in. Killua says a muffled “what?” through the pillow and Gon grins. He lays his palm flat on Killua’s hair, smoothing down curling tufts, before pressing a kiss on the top of Killua’s head.

He giggles when Killua instantly pulls back to gawp at him.

“That was from Alluka,” Gon begins, smiling when Killua relaxes, “and me.”

Killua blinks, dumbfounded at the last two words.

“This one,” he says as he pulls Killua close by the arms, “is all me.” He laughs when Killua, probably because of the shock, doesn’t complain or struggle against his embrace. Killua twitches when Gon guides his arms to his back, though he takes the hint and wraps his arms around Gon’s waist on his own. Gon smiles, voice soft as he says, “I’m really glad I met you, Killua.”

“What did I say about sappy talk?”

“No, shut up,” he says, a stubborn bite in his tone as he hugs Killua close with his arms wrapped around Killua’s shoulders. “Just listen.”

“… _nn._ Fine.”

“Good.” He grins as he props his chin on Killua’s head. “I’m really, _really_ glad we met, Killua. If it weren’t for you…I probably wouldn’t have become as strong as I am now. I wouldn’t have met Ging if I hadn’t met you. Remember?” He asks when Killua makes a noise of confusion against his chest. “You were the one who said that we should train in Heaven’s Arena. Then you told me that you wanted to see Whale Island, and we went, and we both found out about Greed Island. We met Bisky, and everyone else…it was all because of you, Killua.”

“You could’ve done all of that on your own,” Killua says, voice muffled into Gon’s chest.

“Maybe. But I would’ve been lonely, and things would have taken more time. I couldn’t have grown this strong without you by my side.”

Killua makes a small noise of annoyance- though Gon can guess that it’s more because of embarrassment than anything else. “I get it. Do I really need to listen to this?”

“Mmhmm. It’s important that you know how important you are.”

“ _Ugh._ ”

“Don’t be like that, Killua.” Gon smiles as he nuzzles into fluffy white tufts. “I’m just trying to tell you that I’m grateful.”

“I got that already.”

“I don’t think you have.” Gon sighs, disturbing curls of white hair. “I’m so glad you’re with me again.”

“Gon-”

Gon tightens his embrace around Killua, stopping whatever it was that Killua had planned to say to him. He says, determination dripping from every syllable, “Thank you so much for being born, Killua. Thank you for meeting me.”

There’s a resounding silence and Gon’s shoulders slump, though he doesn’t release Killua from his hold. He starts to wonder if Killua understands what he means, or if he should do a little more to prove that he’s being sincere, until his thoughts come to a halt when he feels Killua nodding his head under his chin.

“…mm.”

Killua’s arms tighten around his back with that little hum, and the tips of his ears become pink when Gon peeks down to look at them.

Gon smiles, the wideness of it making his cheeks hurt, though he doesn’t care enough to stop it. _I’m glad,_ he thinks to himself, bowing his head to nuzzle into soft white hair, _I’m so glad, Killua._

_I’m glad I met you._

* * *

 

_“Killuaaaa.”_

_“Gon, can’t you just-”_

There’s the sound of porcelain clinking against wood, and Killua does something that’s a cross between a gasp and a squeak. He asks, “ _What’s this?_ ”

 “ _Chocolate delights! They’re sort of like…um, brownies? But they look like cupcakes. Oh, and they have chocolate filling!_ ”

 _“Oh. Um. Th-thanks.”_ There’s the sound of paper wrapper crinkling as Killua picks up a piece.

Palm rolls her eyes at how easy it is to distract Killua. “I hope you haven’t forgotten that you’re talking to me?”

“ _Obviously not,_ ” Killua says a second too late. Palm can guess that he got himself another bite of his dessert before talking. “ _Chocolate isn’t gonna distract me from you- as much as Gon like to think that it will._ ”

“ _But Killuaaaa._ ”

“ _What now? I told you that Palm was going to call, didn’t I?_ ”

“ _I didn’t think she’d call now!_ ”

“ _Something wrong with that?_ ”

“ _…nothing._ ”

Killua huffs out a chuckle. “ _Thought so. What were you saying, Palm?_ ”

Palm raises an eyebrow, even though she knows that Killua can’t see it. It’s sounding more and more like she’s disturbing a date, though that’s probably not it. Killua hasn’t gotten the guts to confess to Gon just yet, and he’d have told her if Gon confessed to him.

Still, it doesn’t hurt to be sure.

“Are the two of you on a date?”

She laughs when she hears the sound of Killua choking on his food.

“ _Wh- no! Of course not!_ ”

_“Yeah we are!”_

_“No we’re not.”_ Killua scoffs. “ _Don’t make that face, you look like a monkey.”_

_“What!”_

_“Ignore him, Palm,”_ Killua says. Palm can’t help it; she feels her eyebrows rising of their own accord at the exchange she’d just heard. “ _He’s just being annoying._ ”

“I’m starting to think that I _did_ interrupt you on your date with Gon, Killua.”

“ _I told you,_ ” and she hears the sound of gritting teeth, “ _it’s not like that._ ”

“ _But-_ ”

“ _Gon, I’m trying to have a conversation with Palm._ ”

“ _But I brought you out here to eat with me! I mean, it’s fine if Palm calls- but…_ ”

“ _But what?_ ”

“ _I mean…couldn’t she have called later?_ ”

Killua sighs. “ _No? Gon, are you saying there’s a problem with her calling me now?_ ”

“ _Not…really?_ ”

“ _See?_ ”

Palm is quiet as she listens to the two of them, not for the sake of being polite- which she _is-_ but because she’s thinking. There’s something nagging at the back of her mind, persistent and noisy, at how odd Gon is acting because of her call. It’s as if Killua forgot to mention certain details when he talked to her about needing advice when it came to Gon, though…surely, that can’t be the case? Killua’s smart enough to have noticed if there were recent _important_ developments between the two of them, after all.

_“It’s not like we’re doing anything important, anyway.”_

_“But why did it have to be when I decided to show you this sweets shop?”_

_“Like I said,”_ Killua says, his voice muffled a bit but clear enough that Palm can hear the mocking tone in his words, “ _it’s not important._ ”

“ _Are you saying the time you spend with me isn’t important?_ ”

“ _What are you- no! That’s not it._ ”

Palm chokes back a surprised laugh at those words, her free hand covering her mouth as she lets those words sink in. Could it be that Killua actually _missed_ it?

_“Then what?”_

_“Ugh. You’re so- mmph.”_

“Killua, maybe I should go,” she trails off, more than willing to give the two of them their privacy. Much as she likes hearing about how things are going with them, she’d really rather not feel like the third-wheel in their date for two.

“ _What? No, it’s fine, Gon’s not gonna bother us anymore._ ”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Yeah, I am._ ”

There’s a sound of wood thumping into wood, and an _“ow!”_ of complaint.

Palm can’t find it in herself to stifle a laugh at that.

“ _Don’t you laugh at me, Palm._ ”

“Sorry, sorry. It just…it’s like Gon is jealous that I’m taking up your time with him,” she teases, perhaps more aware than Killua is of how Gon is feeling at that exact moment.

“ _As if. He already spends more time with me than I do talking to you. He’s just being a whiny brat._ ”

“Like you are whenever we’re talking about-”

“ _No. Don’t end that sentence._ ”

Palm laughs. “Fine.” She leans over, elbow propped onto the dining table as she keeps her phone pressed to her ear. She folds one arm close to her chest as she asks, “But how are things over there, honestly?”

“ _Things have been okay. Gon and I are planning to take a trek up the tallest mountain they have here.”_

“Being adventurous as ever, then,” she says with a smile.

“ _You really think Gon can ignore the thrill of putting himself in danger?_ ”

“ _Hey!_ ”

There’s another muffled “ _ow_ ” and Palm giggles a bit.

“ _It’s not like it’s that dangerous,_ ” Gon whines on the other line. _“And I wouldn’t do anything that you didn’t want to do!”_

_“Mmhm, sure.”_

_“It’s true!”_

_“Anyway-”_

_“Killua.”_

She hears the hitch in Killua’s breath at the call of his name, and blinks in surprise.

_“Wh-what?”_

_“Do you not want to go?”_

_“Why are you asking me that? I’m talking to Palm-”_

_“Killua. I’m serious. If you don’t want to go, it’s fine.”_

_“That’s not it. I’m fine with going, you know that.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes!”_ Killua huffs. There’s the sound of a slap and Palm raises a brow in question. ” _Why did you have to hold my hand like that? It’s not like I’m going anywhere._ ”

Palm bites her lip to keep from making a sound. Killua _definitely_ missed something. He wouldn’t lie to her about there being any changes between him and Gon, so the only logical conclusion she could make from what she heard was that Killua honestly didn’t notice any changes between the two of them.

It’s a bit difficult to believe, considering how Killua is the type to analyze even the smallest things for answers.

“ _Sorry about that, Palm,_ ”Killua sighs, “ _I don’t know what’s up with Gon today._ ”

“ _Well you would know if you_ asked.”

“ _Whatever. So,_ ” he says into the receiver this time, “ _how’re things with Alluka and Mito-san?_ ”

“We’ve been fine as well.” She smiles. “Morel has been keeping me up to date on any changes, so things have been going smoothly.”

“ _That’s good to hear. You’ll tell me if anything happens, right?_ ”

“Of course.”

There’s a pause before Palm giggles for no apparent reason.

“ _What?_ ”

“Nothing, nothing. I just remembered Alluka’s request to wake her if you ever call.”

“ _Technically,_ you _were the one who called._ ”

“Exactly.”

“ _I’ll call her later anyway, so it’s fine. It’s not often that we get to talk anyway._ ”

“Oh? Did you miss talking to me?” She grins as she leans back into her chair. “It’s starting to sound like you like me, Killua. Could it be?”

“ _Hah. As if. I like you, but not like that._ ”

There’s the muffled sound of someone choking on something, and Killua laughs. Clearly it’s not Killua who was choking, but Palm asks anyway, “What was that?”

“ _Gon ate too much of his brownies at once and started choking. Serves him right._ ”

“ _That’s- ugh- rude, Killua._ ”

“ _Why are you even in a rush, anyway? It’s not like I’m racing you to eat._ ”

“ _Hmph._ ”

“Are you _sure_ I shouldn’t hang up?” She asks again for good measure, even though she has a feeling that Killua would reject her offer.

“ _Why do you keep asking me that? No, I don’t want you to hang up. We’re still talking._ ”

“What are we even talking about? It’s not like we can talk about _that_ when Gon is there.”

_“What?!”_

There’s the sound of porcelain clinking against glass and a yelp loud enough that Palm pulls her phone away from her ear for a moment. She presses her lips together in a line when she hears Killua telling Gon to “calm down,” waiting for the noise to die down, before pressing the phone back to her ear once she’s sure she won’t get unintentionally screamed at again. “Killua?” She asks, concerned. “What happened?”

“ _Hell if I know,_ ” Killua grumbles into the receiver. “ _Gon, sit down. Could you stop- stop that!_ ”

“ _But what was Palm talking about?_ ”

“ _It’s none of your business, you idiot!_ ”

“ _Killuaaaaa._ ”

“ _Sit. Down._ ”

“… _fine._ ”

 _“Good.”_ There’s the muffled sound of Killua chewing again, before he says, “ _Did you know that Gon would hear that?_ ”

She bites back a laugh. “Maybe?”

“ _You conniving little-_ ”

“I thought it would be entertaining.”

“ _Entertaining my ass._ ”

She can’t help a laugh from escaping at that. “I’m not going to apologize for that. I could’ve called you later but you insisted.”

“ _Hmph._ ”

“I’m going to keep enjoying myself if you don’t let me hang up, Killua.”

“ _You were the one who called!_ ”

“I know. What I didn’t know was that I’d be interrupting something.”

“ _I told you, you’re not interrupting anything._ ”                                 

“Yes, I am. I’m interrupting Gon’s date with you.”

“ _I swear- This. Is not a date. Palm.”_

Palm is smart enough to realize by now that Killua has absolutely no experience when it comes to dating. If he did, then he should’ve noticed since the moment they started talking that Gon was annoyed at having their time together interrupted. It’s clear enough that it’s actually a bit ridiculous that he doesn’t notice it, though she supposes it’s believable in its own way, considering Killua’s background. He wouldn’t have had the time or the knowledge when it comes to dating anyone.

She sighs wistfully.

“ _What now?_ ”

“It’s nothing,” she says, smiling softly as she closes her eyes. “Just a bit jealous.”

“ _…really?_ ”

She giggles at the worried tone in Killua’s voice. “No, not really.”

She is, a bit. Gon hadn’t acted the way he’s acting now when she was the one dating him, though she supposes that it’s because she practically forced him into it. This time, it’s Gon going into it of his own accord…even though the person he’s trying to date is a bit clueless when it comes to romance.

It’s funny enough that she laughs out loud.

“ _Are you okay?_ ” Killua asks, sounding puzzled when he talks into the receiver.

“Mmhmm, I’m definitely fine. More than fine.”

“ _You sure about that?_ ”

“Yes. I’ll call you later, okay? Make sure you’re alone by then.”

“ _What- Killua!_ ”

“ _Palm,_ ” he groans, and she imagines him covering his face in disbelief, “ _why are you doing this?_ ”

“Because it’s fun?”

“ _You know that he won’t leave me alone now!_ ”

 “That’s okay.” She giggles. “He can just listen in, then. But he can’t bother us.”

“ _You hear that?_ ”

Gon whines in response.

“ _He heard that. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he won’t bother us next time._ ”

“Okay.” She smiles. “I’ll talk to you later, Killua.”

“ _Mm’kay. Talk to you later._ ”

_Click. Beep. Beep._

Palm could only hope that the two of them would come to an understanding soon enough. It’s one thing to be dancing around the issue, but to not even _notice_ the signs is another thing entirely.

 

* * *

 

This is ridiculous.

 _He_ is ridiculous.

He is seventeen years old and he grew up in a family of assassins; why is he being nervous because of the stupid light shining through his and Gon’s tent?

He squeezes his eyes shut, tight enough that he sees colors dancing under his eyelids. It’s less because of the light and more because of the silhouette, he realizes, which makes his whole problem even more unreasonable. It’s not as if he isn’t used to sharing heat with Gon through the cold nights and yet here he is, hiding deep into his sleeping bag, trying his hardest to fall asleep before Gon comes back into the tent.

“Killua?” Gon calls to the closed tent, making Killua grit his teeth at the impeccable timing. “Are you asleep?”

“Yes, I am,” he calls back, using the sleepiest voice he can muster when he speaks.

Gon doesn’t reply. Killua breathes out a sigh- of relief? Exasperation? He can’t tell- and snuggles further into what warmth his sleeping bag provides for him through the cold snowy night.

He doesn’t quite scream as he does have an almost-heart attack when he feels a cold body cuddling up to his back.

“ _What the fuck,_ Gon.” He wheezes, squeezing his wide eyes shut when Gon huffs out a laugh at him. “What the hell is wrong with you.”

“Nothing, really.”

There’s an odd tone in Gon’s voice when he says as much and Killua turns around, resigning himself to the fact that Gon’s arm over his waist isn’t going to move anytime soon. He looks up and watches, observes Gon as he looks back down at Killua with a smile.

Gon laughs as soon as he blinks in realization.

“Did you figure something out, Killua?” He asks, propping his head up with a hand flat on his cheek. He smiles and it feels a little warmer where Killua is, even though the night should still be as cold as ever.

“What makes you say that?” He asks, careful and calculating, eyes narrowing when Gon raises an eyebrow in amusement at him.

“You had that look on your face,” he says, raising his hand from Killua’s waist to cup Killua’s cheek, the cold garment covering Gon’s hand making Killua’s head jerk in surprise at the contact. Gon doesn’t laugh; he raises himself up to slide his glove off, before placing his hand back where it was on Killua’s face. It’s still cold, but Killua is prepared enough that he doesn’t flinch at the touch. “Sorry. It’s cold, I know.”

“Then why are you touching me?”

Gon smiles like an adult being asked by a child what the meaning of love is. Patient, knowing, and so very affectionate that Killua can’t help from feeling smaller in his own body.

“Because I want to. Because it’s easier to warm up if it’s skin against skin,” he says, voice soft and trailing away into silence.

Killua flushes red at the implication of his words, but doesn’t say anything about it. He doesn’t _want_ to think about it.

“Warm your hand up yourself,” he says, squinting blue eyes at Gon’s smile.

“I don’t want to.”

The note of finality in Gon’s voice makes Killua stare, his eyes blinking thrice in succession with surprise. _There it is. That odd tone again._

One second. Two seconds. Five seconds tick by and Killua feels his heart freeze in his chest when Gon stops smiling.

“You could stop me, you know?”

“…what?”

Gon sighs, the sound laced with a kind of weariness reserved for annoying brats. Killua feels himself go cold at the thought. A brat? Why?

“You could move my hand away if you didn’t like it, Killua.”

Killua swallows, throat dry as he notices something new in Gon’s expression. There’s a seriousness in his eyes that wasn’t there before, a sternness that Killua hasn’t been faced with in a long while. It takes looking into that solemn stare for more than a second for Killua to realize that it’s not new- it hasn’t been, not in the five years that they’ve been separated. He just hasn’t _noticed_ it before, because Gon hasn’t shown that kind of expression to _him_ ever since they got back together.

“Or you could take your hand off and put it in your own pocket to warm it up,” he says, the retort coming off more pathetic than he’d meant it to sound.

“I said that I don’t want to.”

Killua feels himself flush red at Gon’s adamant refusal of his suggestion. Still, he blinks in surprise when Gon, stubborn and brash as he is, trails gentle fingers over the side of his face. “Gon..?”

“I can’t always figure out what you want on my own. You know that, right?”

Killua frowns at the seeming non sequitur. “What are you trying to say?”

Gon’s hand moves from his cheek up to tangle cold fingers into his hair, pushing stray white strands back in the process. Killua would have been discomfited with the touch, had Gon’s stare not been the most discomfiting of it all. It makes him feel bare and vulnerable, even though he knows that Gon wouldn’t hurt him. (Not again.)

“You should be more honest, Killua.”

It takes a beat of a second before realization dawns and Killua turns his gaze down from Gon’s face to his neck. He sucks in a breath when he feels a finger pressing under his chin, making him tilt his head up to the sight of Gon looking at him. He’s not smiling, or frowning, or doing _anything._ He’s just looking, watching him, as though there’s something important to be found in his face, even though Killua doesn’t know what it is he’s looking for.

It takes five seconds of holding in his breath and looking into brown eyes before the thought comes to him.

He swallows, feeling an odd warmth pooling in his stomach when Gon finally smiles at him.

_Gon isn’t a child anymore, and neither is he._

“Did you realize something?” Gon asks again, lowering his propped up elbow until he’s flat on the floor with Killua, his head only slightly elevated by his folded arm.

Killua sighs, before wiggling as far as on the other side of his sleeping bag. “Yeah. Just get in,” he grouses, putting on a frown as Gon grins and moves to join him. It’s a tight fit considering how they’re not as small as they were anymore, though it seems that that was what Gon was going for.

“We haven’t been twelve in a long while, have we,” Killua muses, forehead bumping into Gon’s when Gon finally finishes wiggling into a comfortable position in the sleeping bag.

“No, we haven’t.” Gon smiles as he moves, deliberately pressing his forehead into Killua’s as he looks at him.

When Gon smiles, Killua remembers thinking that Gon was his light. He laughs at that thought, soft and whispery, and Gon makes a face in annoyance. “What?” Gon asks, the serious tone he’d adopted from earlier easily fading into something that Killua is more familiar with. He’s more mature now, Killua knows as much, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any less stubborn or determined as the Gon of five years ago.

“I just remembered something funny,” Killua says, grinning when Gon wrinkles his nose at him. “Back when we were still twelve, I thought that you were light. I thought,” he trails off, smiling when he sees Gon staring with wide eyes at him, “that you were so bright that I had to look away. I was always asking myself if I deserved to stay by your side.”

Gon’s surprised expression far too easily transforms into an upset one, his eyebrows drawn down in outright disbelief at the idea. “Of course you do!”

“I know that.” He laughs as he messes up Gon’s hair. Gon, predictably enough, whines in complaint at the hair-ruffling. “Don’t have to get so defensive, Gon.”

“But-”

“I know better, okay?” He says, settling down once Gon’s hair is sufficiently ruffled. He pulls his hand back to let it rest right under his cheek as he lies on his side, his other arm folded with his hand lying palm-open under his chin. He smiles and it’s not forced; it’s soft, and affectionate, and he hopes that Gon knows that. “It’s not a case of being worthy. You chose me to be your friend, and I chose you. I don’t have to earn the right to be by your side, just as much as you don’t have to for me.”

He sighs, closing his eyes as he says, “I like being with you, and I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll have me. Because,” he trails off, maneuvering his hand over his face in a way that makes it look like he’s just absently rubbing his face, “you make me happy. You got that?”

Killua lowers his hand eventually, making it look as casual as possible, before blinking blue eyes open to see the look on Gon’s face.

The last thing he expects to see is Gon blushing.

He asks, bewildered at the spreading redness on Gon’s cheeks, “Wh-why are you blushing?”

“I don’t know,” Gon whines. He covers his face with both hands and groans into his open palms. “I didn’t think you’d actually say that, Killua!”

“What the hell did you expect? You wanted me to be honest!”

“I didn’t think it would be that easy!”

“Wh- hey!”

He laughs when Gon pulls him close into an embrace, their positions reversed from the usual as Gon hides his face in Killua’s chest. “You’re still such a child even at seventeen,” he teases, grinning as he cards his hand through black locks.

“So are you,” Gon grumbles, words sending vibrations into Killua’s chest when he talks.

Killua smiles and makes himself comfortable where he is, still running a hand through Gon’s hair as he lets out a yawn.

“Mm,” he hums, closing his eyes. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

“There’s at least twenty of them.”

“I can see that, Killua.”

Killua sighs, tugging his hat further down on his head as he stares blankly at the white-clad people hiding in the cave they’d wandered into. They’re all wearing masks over their faces and Killua would have assumed them to be just casual hikers, if not for the knives they had at the ready.

“Seriously?”

“Put your things down and leave where you came!”

“No way in hell,” Killua drawls, sticking both his hands in his pockets as he makes a face at them.

One of them dares to come closer, knife pointed his way as he stops only two feet away from where he’s standing. His swagger is telling and Killua huffs, squinting at the man when he uses his knife to tilt his head up by his chin. “I don’t think you understand the danger that you’re in, kid.”

“We’re seventeen!” Gon complains beside him, unwavering in his stance as he frowns at the other bandit who’s watching him.

“Yeah? You still don’t know shit, brat,” the man hisses, voice muffled by his mask as he lowers the knife to press it into Killua’s neck. It’s not hard enough that he bleeds, but it’s starting to get annoying how he’s still playing along with this.

He flinches in surprise when the knife is lowered and the man gets a good grip on his hair, tugging it hard enough that he tilts his head back unwillingly. “Still,” the man murmurs, thoughtful as his gaze roams over Killua’s face, “you’re pretty enough-”

_Whack._

Killua blinks at the sudden whoosh of air over his face, retracting his claws as he sends a bewildered look Gon’s way.

“Don’t touch him,” Gon says, voice cold as he stares down at the man at his feet. His shoulders are drawn up, tense, and seeing only Gon’s back is already telling of how angry he is. At any other time, Killua might have hated seeing Gon’s back facing him- but it’s a bit difficult to feel that way considering the current situation.

If anything, he feels a little sorry for the guy who tried to feel him up.

The man staggers into a stand from the floor, an arm wrapped over his stomach as he glares at Gon. “Why you-!”

There’s the sound of a sickening crack and a choked off cough.

Killua winces this time, watching as the man is sent flying deep into the cave with one of Gon’s punches.

“Brat!”

“Oh good, look at what you’ve done,” Killua says, rubbing at the back of his head with a gloved hand. He watches as another bandit, the one who’d screamed “brat” at them, tries to stab Gon in the back with a mighty scream- as though that sort of thing would help. He sighs when the man is sent flying the other way with Gon’s classic palm-to-the-chest. Typical.

“You-”

A sound of a grumble.

Killua blinks. The realization comes to him quickly; the same doesn’t hold true for everyone else. “Ah,” he mumbles, looking into the darkness of the cave with a blank gaze.

“Ah?” Gon repeats, looking back at him with a blink of confusion.

Another grumble.

“I think you just woke something, Gon.”

Gon frowns as he, along with the bandits, looks into the darkness with confused expressions. Gon is the second to get it right after him, his mouth forming an ‘o’ in comprehension as he backs away from the cave to come closer to him. “Oh.”

“Oh? What the hell are you talking about?!” One of the bandits tells them, looking furious as he shakes his knife their way.

“Good luck with that!” Killua yells their way, before grabbing onto Gon’s hand and using a nen-boost on his feet to jump up the mouth of the cave and to a higher portion of the mountain path.

“Hey-!”

A roar echoes from the depths of the cave and Killua laughs, running with Gon in tow as they head somewhere further away from the cave they’d stumbled upon. The wind is cold as it whips past him, making his skin sting from the speed they’re going, yet he doesn’t feel it as much as he does the inexplicable warmth burning in his chest.

“I didn’t think the cave would be deep enough that it had something like that in it,” Killua comments, grinning as they slow their pace once they’re far enough.

“So that’s why it smelled off.”

“Off?”

“Mm. It smelled like a bear, but I wasn’t sure because it was so cold.”

Killua snickers in amusement at that. “Good thing I noticed, then. You were going pretty wild.”

Gon smiles sheepishly, one hand coming up to rub at his nape as he giggles a bit guiltily. “I couldn’t help it? I didn’t think he’d do that… _thing_ he did.”

Killua shrugs. “Neither did I. He should be grateful that you took him off my hands.”

“Really?”

“Mm. I’d have killed him, probably.”

“That would be better than what I would’ve done if we stayed, though.”

Killua quirks an eyebrow in question. “Really?”

Gon nods, looking away from Killua to look up at the mountain path. “I wouldn’t have killed him, but he’d be maimed enough that death would sound better.”

Killua barks out a laugh at that, surprised at the frankness and morbidity of Gon’s answer. He didn’t think Gon would go that far just because the guy did something disgusting to him. He barely even got a touch in to merit Gon’s terrifying anger. “That’s so morbid, Gon.”

Gon grins back at him. “Is it?”

“Obviously.”

“Hehe.” A pause, and Gon chirps with a bounce in his steps, “Hey, Killua?”

“What?”

“Did you notice?”

Killua raises an eyebrow. “Notice what?”

“You’re still holding my hand.”

Killua freezes at those words and instantly tries to pull his hand away, though the attempt is thwarted when Gon keeps a good grip on his hand. “Gon-”

“Nuh-uh, you started it. We’re gonna keep holding hands till we get to the top.” He squints as he looks up, using his free hand as shade from the falling snow. “There’s only a bit more till the path ends and we have to climb our way up.”

Killua huffs when he sees Gon grinning widely at him. “Fine,” he says, squeezing his hand around Gon’s as he starts walking again, a bit faster this time so that Gon is following after him instead of walking beside him.

Killua doesn’t have to look back to see the look of surprise on Gon’s face. “Eh? Really?”

“What do you think?” Killua says, looking back at Gon with a raised brow.

It takes little bit of a while before Gon grins widely at him, a nice pink flush on his cheeks as he squeezes Killua’s hand in his. He says, sounding excessively happy considering the smallness of the favor- which isn’t even really a favor, since Killua wants it too-, “I’m glad.”

“Yeah,” Killua huffs, smiling as he turns his gaze back to the path.

“I know.”

 

* * *

 

Killua would prefer dying over this. He honestly would.

“Killua, I wanna get the remote-”

“NO.”

Gon gives him a weird look. “Why are you yelling?”

_Thump._

_“Ah- ah-”_

“YELLING?” Killua says, trying not to laugh hysterically as he keeps a tight grip on Gon’s wrist. “I’M NOT YELLING!”

“Uh-”

_“Nn-”_

“SIT DOWN, GON.”

“Um, okay?” Gon sits down on the bed, looking confused as ever as he leans back into the headrest. “What’s wrong, Killua?”

What’s wrong is that there are people in the room next to them having the loudest fucking sex possible, and Killua wouldn’t mind it if he were still younger and stupider- hell, he asked Gon to watch porn with him before-, but he’s _seventeen_ and it is the most uncomfortable thing when he _knows_ that he’s attracted to Gon.

“ _Ah-_ ”

“SO, GON,” Killua asks, feeling the urge to break everything in his immediate vicinity intensify at the moaning he can hear coming through the wall on the other side of the room.

Gon looks at him with wide eyes and furrowed brows. “Yes?”

“Do you think we could JUST.” He grits his teeth, releasing Gon’s wrist as folds his arms over his chest. “GO OUT? MAYBE?”

“Eh? But I’m tired from the hike.”

“…FINE.”

_Thump._

“HEY GON.”

Gon gives him another weird look. “Why do you keep yelling?”

“I. AM NOT YELLING.” Killua says in a yell, trying his hardest to drown out the sounds from their neighboring room. “I’m not.”

“But you sort of are-”

“NOT! Not yelling,” he wheezes. He feels his sharp nails digging into his arm and side when he unconsciously flexes his fingers, and he unfolds his arms. He’s not going to make himself bleed just for this- even if it is becoming more and more tempting an urge.

“Well, okay,” Gon says, frowning as he looks back at the TV. “I still want to watch something, though. It’s boring.”

Killua is up and back with the remote before Gon can even so much as blink. “HERE,” he says, hoping to whatever god was out there that his face doesn’t look ridiculous as he hands over the remote to Gon.

Gon smiles at him like he’s a puppy making a fool out of itself. “Thanks, I guess?”

“I want to watch SOMETHING WITH EXPLOSIONS,” Killua says, voice rising in pitch along with the screaming coming from the other room. “COULD YOU PUT A MOVIE ON. OR something.”

Gon giggles at him and Killua flushes red in absolute shame. He wants to _die._ “Yeah, okay,” Gon says with a smile. He turns on the TV, flipping through channels, before stopping at one with a movie about what Killua can only assume is one species versus the other.

Somehow, someway, the people in the next room just get _louder._

“AaaaAHHH, SO, UH,” Killua says, having already tucked himself into the bed for fear of spontaneously combusting if he stepped out of the sheets, “WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE MOVIE?”

“It’s okay, I guess. Could be better. Some of the parts don’t make sense because-”

“ _Nn-!_ ”

“OH OKAY. I THINK SO TOO.”

Gon makes a face at him. “You interrupted me!”

“SORRY.” He tries not to physically slap himself in the face in his shame, though nothing stops him from doing so mentally. _God._ The neighboring couple has been going at it since the clock struck nine in the evening and it’s already almost 11.

If Killua couldn’t kill himself, he’s going to _slaughter_ the people in the next room. Somehow. He’ll find a way to make them pay for ruining his night with Gon.

He makes a choked off surprised sound when Gon slides under the sheets with him. Gon pouts, nose wrinkling in worry as he turns down the volume on the television. (If _only_ he could do it for certain other things.) “It’s okay, but are you sure _you’re_ okay? You’ve been-”

“ _Ahh-_ ”

“AAAHHH,” Killua screams, covering his face with both hands as he rolls over until his back is facing Gon. “IT’S NOTHING! IT’S NOTHING, REALLY.”

“That’s not okay! You screamed at me!”

“ _Nn-_ ”

“NnnNNN I’M OKAY. I’M JUST. EXERCISING MY DIAPHRAGM!”

Gon blinks at him. “Your what now?”

Killua laughs and he’s sure that he sounds hysterical, but he honestly couldn’t care less anymore. “THAT  MUSCLE you have right under your lungs.”

“So somewhere here-”

“ _Ah-_ ”

“AAAAHHHH _NO_. DON’T.” Killua flushes, slapping away Gon’s hand the instant it tries to reach for his stomach from under the sheets. “WHAT THE HELL, GON.”

“What? I’m just trying to figure out where it is!”

“FIND IT ON YOUR OWN.”

“Ehh.”

“Don’t you ehh me.”

“Then touch me where-”

“ _Nn-_ ”

“NNNO. I DON’T WANT TO.”

“Come _on_!”

“IF YOU’RE THAT BORED THEN JUST GO TO SLEEP.”

“But that’s no fun,” Gon groans, stretching out an arm high up above him, before letting it fall over Killua’s chest. “Stay up with me, Killuaaaa.”

“ _Ah-! Ah-_ ”

“AHHHHHHH!” Killua screams, forcing his head back with both of his hands still covering his face. “MY HEAD HURTS.”

“Really? Where? Should I get ice?”

“Yeah that would be-”

“ _Ah-_ ”

“AHHHH! IT HURTS.”

“Okay, okay! I’ll go.”

Killua watches apprehensively as Gon leaves, gaze darting from Gon to the wall as he waits for more noises to come. It’s only when the door clicks shut and he hears Gon’s steps getting further away that he breathes, chest heaving with his sigh as he rolls over onto his stomach.

Of all the fucking people to have taken the room right next to theirs, it had to be a honeymooning couple.

He is going to _destroy_ something.

He’s still huffing about the whole thing when the door clicks open to signify Gon having come back already. He rolls back onto his back just as the door click shut again, fingers twined over his chest as he breathes and listens for any more noises.

It takes a moment before he realizes that the noises from next door have stopped completely, and that the television has been turned off.

“Hey,” he says, the word coming out as a hoarse whisper as he looks up at Gon, who smiles down at him.

“Hey to you too. I’m guessing your head doesn’t hurt now?”

Killua blinks up at him. His gaze follows Gon even as Gon crawls back into the bed with him, and eventually, he asks, “What?”

“Your head doesn’t really hurt, does it? So I didn’t get any ice.”

He flushes red up to the tips of his ears at the realization that Gon figured it out so easily. He _had_ been acting oddly though, so it’s not that much of a surprise. “I…yeah.”

“I told the couple from next door to keep it quiet next time,” Gon says, making Killua sit up in a flash of a second in disbelief.

“You- _what_.”

Gon grins a cheeky grin at him. “I have better hearing than you, you know. Besides, you were acting really weird.”

Killua’s shoulders slump and he buries his face in his hands, trying his hardest not to scream from how embarrassing the whole ordeal was. Gon even figured it out and asked the neighboring couple to keep quiet _on his own_. Why the hell did he even try?

“It’s okay, Killua,” Gon says, smiling in the way that Mito-san does whenever she’s being really patient with the both of them despite how stupid they’re being, “it’s not like you knew that I knew.”

“You could have _told_ me that you knew,” Killua grumbles, lowering his hands enough that only his eyes were visible.

“Why would I?” Gon grins widely. “You’re more interesting to listen to, anyway.”

_Thump._

“Ow! Killua!”

“ _You-_ ” Killua says, biting out the words as he points an accusatory finger at Gon, who’s lying on the floor in a confused heap after having been kicked off the bed. “-are _not_ going to sleep in the same bed as me.”

“But-!”

“No. No buts.” He throws the other pillow right into Gon’s face, ignoring Gon’s whines as he tucks himself in and curls comfortably under the sheets.

“ _Killuaaa._ ”

“No.”

“The floor is cold!”

“I don’t _care._ ”

“Killua, come on. This is mean!”

“And you aren’t?! Wait- don’t-!”

He grunts when Gon jumps back into the bed, groaning in pain when Gon’s weight falls heavy on his stomach. “What the _hell_ is wrong with you?”

“I was just joking,” Gon says in a huff, pinning both of Killua’s wrists down on the bed as he frowns down at him. “And it’s not my fault that you didn’t stop screaming! You could’ve just asked them to stop on your own!”

“I didn’t think they would take so long!”

“You don’t have to be angry with me!”

“ _You_ were the one who knew what was happening but let me scream like an idiot anyway!”

“That’s not my fault, Killua!”

“Nn! Fine! Whatever!” He wrinkles his nose at Gon in annoyance, before attempting and failing to pull his wrists away from Gon’s grasp. “I’ll let you sleep on the bed, so let me go!”

“Really?”

Killua rolls his eyes with a groan. “ _Yes._ ”

Gon grins as he releases his hold over Killua’s wrists. “At least they won’t be noisy anymore, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re still an ass.”

“You love me anyway,” Gon hums, sliding into and under the sheets with ease, not at all noticing the gawping look Killua sends his way. That is, until he blinks one eye open to look up at Killua. “What?” He asks with a frown, before patting the space in front of him as a gesture for him to come closer. “Come on.”

“I can’t believe you sometimes,” Killua mumbles as he shifts closer.

“You say that all the time,” Gon tells him. He giggles when Killua makes a face at him in response.

“Maybe I should correct myself and say that I can’t believe you _ever._ ” He sighs, closing his eyes as he nuzzles into his pillow. “You say the most embarrassing things, Gon.”

“There’s nothing bad with being honest.”

“There’s a _limit_ to being too honest.”

“Hmm.” Gon hums and Killua sighs, moving one arm so that it’s half-covering his face. He thinks that Gon has nothing more to say, but he’s proven wrong when Gon adds, “There isn’t a limit when it comes to you, then.”

It’s embarrassing how quickly Killua’s eyes blink open at those words. He closes his eyes again with a sigh when he sees Gon’s grinning face right across from his. He says, after a long yawn, “You should really reserve those sorts of lines for the old ladies that like to date kids like you, Gon.”

“Eh, but why? I said that because it’s you. I’m not going to say that sort of thing to anyone else.”

“Go to sleep,” Killua says, a threatening tone in his voice as he rolls over until he has his back to Gon. “Or else I’ll make you.”

“Fine.”

He half-expects the arm wrapping itself around his waist, though that doesn’t keep him from sucking in a breath anyway. As much as he’d like to get used to it, and as much as it makes him feel warm (and _loved_ ), it’s still so odd despite how Gon always keeps trying to make it feel like it’s normal.

“Good night, Killua,” Gon mumbles, sleepy-sounding and comfortable as he nuzzles into Killua’s back, his arms squeezing tightly for a brief moment around his waist. It feels a little bit like they belong there, and Gon always insists that they _do_ even though Killua doesn’t understand why. They’re warm, comfortable, and wanted- but that doesn’t mean that this is where they both belong.

It’s as if Gon knows, with complete certainty, that he would never choose to be by anyone else’s side. As though that sort of thing could be decided with simple words and a promise, and not by what fate decides for him.

Slowly, carefully, Killua lets out a soft exhale. He relaxes in Gon’s embrace, covering the smile on his face with a hand when he hears Gon humming in contentment behind him.

“…good night, Gon.”


	6. do i wanna know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) and [kiruazoldycks](http://kiruazoldycks.tumblr.com) , thank you SO MUCH for putting up with me and helping me with this fic. You guys are awesome, and I really /truly/ appreciate your patience with me!
> 
> Today's chapter title is based on Arctic Monkeys' song, [Do I Wanna Know.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOSxM0rNPM)
> 
> Prompts:  
> 26\. One of these days I'll finally learn.  
> 27\. The room smelled like wet earth.  
> 28\. That bird flew right into the window.  
> 29\. No, there aren't any here.  
> 30\. I forgot to buy the batteries.

In a time when they aren’t hiding from anything, or fighting against anyone- in a time when they are enjoying what they could of their youth as youth should, and making up for lost time; Gon has realized that there has been- has _always_ been- a side of Killua that he didn’t know about until now.

He doesn’t know if Killua has started letting his guard down around him, or if it’s just him becoming better at noticing things. He isn’t sure. But he knows that the Killua of before would have never let him see this sort of sight; him, silent, looking into nothing as he clasps his hands together in an imitation of a prayer. He looks thoughtful, pained sometimes, and Gon would have asked him about it point-blank- if it were years ago.

Things are different now. They are alone but they have each other, and Gon doesn’t want to push Killua away. He knows better than anyone that Killua would deflect his questions if he tried anyway, so he settles for little questions instead.

“Thinking about what to buy for later?” he asks.

Killua blinks out of his reverie when Gon wraps his arms around his shoulders. “Ah? Oh,” he smiles and it’s weak; a forced smile that he puts on whenever Gon has caught him thinking of things that Gon would prefer him not thinking about. “No, not really. I’ve already got the list for when we go.”

“Then what were you thinking about?” he asks again, sotto voce, smiling when Killua leans back into his embrace just as he kneels down properly behind him on the bed. It’s nice, this sort of intimacy, although it took a while before Killua got used to it.

(Though really, if anyone were to mention it now, Killua would probably push him away again. He’s too easily embarrassed by that sort of thing, for some reason.)

“You and Alluka,” Killua admits, voice just as soft as he turns his gaze down to his hands which are resting on his lap. Gon doesn’t openly react to the surprising show of honesty, though he’s sure his heart skipped a beat just then. “I was thinking about how…happy I am, to have you both.”

“Yeah?” Gon asks in a hum, cheek pressing against Killua’s fluffy hair as he leans forward into him.

Killua breathes in, and breathes out- slow, deliberate, as though preparing himself to speak something he’d never spoken about before. “Is it fair?” he asks after a moment, gaze still lowered as he clenches his fists tightly over his lap.

Gon blinks, not quite understanding the question. “What?”

“Is it fair, to have you both?”

Gon blinks again in surprise when Killua looks back at him, really _looks_ at him, instead of avoiding his gaze like he usually does. Gon releases Killua from his hold to sit beside him, folding his legs until they’re crossed over each other, and he asks, “How long have you been thinking about that?”

For a second, Killua’s gaze wavers from him to his lap as he turns to face Gon. Still, he looks back up, and he says, “Months, maybe. I’ve stopped counting since long ago.”

Gon frowns, a dark pit of disappointment growing deeper in his stomach as he realizes how long it has been. “Why didn’t you tell me? Does…does Alluka know?”

“I didn’t think it would matter,” Killua admits. He presses his lips together, firm and tense, until he speaks again, “I didn’t think it would last this long.” Then he laughs and Gon leans back on instinct, confused at the sudden bout of laughter. “Alluka knows. I didn’t tell her,” he says, holding out a hand before Gon can open his mouth to protest, “but she found out on her own. I guess she took after me.” He smiles and he’s proud, a little less sad; for a beat of a moment Gon is jealous, though he crushes the feeling before it can fester.

“I’m-”

“No.”

Gon furrows his eyebrows at being cut off from what he was trying to say. “What?”

“You were gonna apologize, weren’t you?”

Gon swallows when Killua frowns and raises an eyebrow at him. “…maybe I was.”

Killua sighs, running a hand through white locks as he pushes his hair back. “It’s not your fault that you didn’t notice. I _made_ it so that you wouldn’t.”

“Still-”

“Don’t.”

Gon wrinkles his nose in annoyance at being interrupted again. “But I should have noticed! I’ve been with you all this time-”

“And I’ve been keeping you from finding out because I want us to be happy,” Killua says in one breath. His cheeks are a light pink once he’s done speaking, though he doesn’t look away like he usually would. “Okay? I didn’t want to ruin anything. It’s not like I _always_ think about it, anyway.”

“But Killua,” Gon murmurs, struggling not to pout, “you could have told me. We could have talked about it.”

Killua sighs. “We’re talking about it now, aren’t we?”

“Well, _yeah_ ,” Gon grumbles, folding his arms over his chest in a huff. “Still, it’s already been too long.” He breathes in, then out, letting his tense shoulders relax as he looks back up at Killua with a gentle look- gentle enough that Killua is the one who tenses up, clenching his fists into his shorts as he looks away again. “…I guess this is more than I could have asked for, huh?”

Killua looks back at him when he says so, one of his eyebrows raised in bemusement at his words. “What do you mean?”

Gon smiles like Killua is a kitten toying with a ball of yarn; a curious and playful thing, so tiny and amusing in its attempts to figure out what it’s playing with. Killua’s lips tremble at the look yet he doesn’t look away again, having already decided that he’s been teased enough. Gon says after a little laugh, “You wouldn’t have told me any of this before.”

“…I guess not.”

“See?” Gon grins. “I’m glad you decided to finally tell me.”

Killua huffs out a laugh at that. “It’s only because you asked.”

“So you’re telling me I should ask about you more?”

Killua blinks. “Huh?”

Gon leans forward and Killua remains still where he is, his head tilted slightly in question as he squints at him.  Gon says, tone firm as though trying to prove a point, “If you’re telling me that you’ll answer honestly if I ever ask you anything, then I should ask more, shouldn’t I? That’s okay with you?”

Killua straightens up at the question. “I…guess?”

“Then what were you and Palm talking about that you wanted to keep it secret from me?“

“Wh- I can’t tell you _that,_ ” Killua sputters, going red in the face as he backs away from Gon. It only urges Gon further, making him crawl after Killua even as Killua throws a pillow at him. “There’s a reason that that was a secret!”

“But you said that you’d answer honestly!” Gon complains, throwing away the pillow that had been thrown at him. Killua grunts when Gon hugs him from behind just as he makes to crawl off the bed, sighing loudly in despair as he slumps into the rumpled bed sheet. “ _Killuaaaa,_ ” Gon whines, loud and annoying as ever.

“Ask me anything so long as it isn’t about _that_ ,” Killua tells him, propping himself up with one arm folded on the bed under his chest. “Seriously, Gon. What does that even matter?”

“It matters because it’s a secret that _you’re_ keeping from _me!_ I’m your best friend, you should tell me things first,” Gon whines, tightening his hold around Killua enough to make Killua cough from the force of it.

“Are you,” Killua wheezes, eliciting an “oof!” from Gon when he manages to kick him off, “trying to _kill me?!_ ”

“No I wasn’t!” Gon retorts quickly, looking up at Killua from the floor with a deep frown. “You were trying to run away!”

“And you were trying to squeeze my organs out of me!”

“You’re exaggerating!”

“ _You_ are exaggerating!” Killua sits up, rubbing at his sides with a wince when he leans back into the headboard of their bed. “So what if Palm knows something about me that you don’t?”

Gon opens and closes his mouth as though imitating a goldfish. “But- but-” he complains, childish and impossibly stubborn, until he comes to some sort of realization and stares at Killua with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. “Are you dating?!”

Killua almost chokes on his spit at the accusation. “What the _hell?_ No we’re not!”

Gon breathes out a sigh of relief, his previously tense shoulders slumping forward as he bows his head. “Oh, okay.”

Killua gawps at Gon’s apparent relief, his eyes widening with incredulity as he watches Gon crawl back onto the bed. “Why do you sound so relieved about that?” he asks, curious and a little bit nervous to know the answer. Much as he knows better than to get his hopes up, it’s a bit difficult to not get swept into the pace Gon- optimistic, _terribly_ affectionate Gon- sets for him.

“Why?” Gon repeats, blinking wide brown eyes at him as he stops in front of Killua’s feet. Then, he smiles, and says, “Because it’d be difficult if she liked you too.”

Killua blinks thrice in succession, his complete and utter disbelief at Gon’s simultaneously frank and vague answer leaving him dumbfounded. He’s still staring even as Gon settles himself on his lap, though he finally snaps out of it when Gon pats him on the cheek. “Wha-”

“Do you still feel that way?”

Killua frowns in confusion at the question. “Huh?”

“About me and Alluka.”

He blinks at the topic change. “Oh. I,” he trails off, gaze unconsciously turning to the wall beside them before turning to Gon again, “…maybe. I try not to. It’s just,” he sighs, scratching at his hair, “it’s hard to forget, since I had to leave Alluka behind to be with you.” He smiles and it’s wry; not forced but not happy either. “It’s unfair for her, Gon. Even you have to understand that.”

Gon frowns. “So you regret coming with me?”

“That’s the thing,” Killua says, words coming out in a light huff. He leans back, letting his head rest on the bed’s headboard as he looks up at the ceiling. “I think it’s unfair that I had to leave her, but I don’t regret choosing to be with you.”

“Mm.” Gon nods in understanding, folding his arms over his chest as he regards Killua with a searching look. “Well,” he says in a hum, head tilting as he thinks, “Alluka isn’t unhappy where she is. The two of you still get to talk, and we come back to Whale Island every few months. Mito-san and Palm have been caring for her, so she’s never really lonely.”

“But I’m her family-“

“Mito-san and Palm are family just as much as you are, now,” Gon says, smiling in amusement as Killua snaps his mouth shut in annoyance. “And you’re family to me too, you know? I’d be lonely without you.”

Killua huffs at that, propping up both arms so that they’re supporting the back of his head. Still, he’s smiling when he says, “Your logic still sucks, Gon.”

“ _Hey_ ,” Gon whines, straightening up as he squints at Killua. “It’s still true.”

Killua smiles the amused smile of a parent facing a huffy child. “I know.” He sighs, looking out their window with a contemplative gaze, “Someday, maybe, I’ll learn to believe that. For now,” he turns his gaze back to Gon, smiling in amusement, “I guess you’ll have to help me figure out that logic of yours.”

Gon grins, bright and sunny despite how cold it is in this country’s winter weather. “That works for me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“It smells like home.”

“Like Whale Island on a rainy day, you mean,” Killua comments. He looks around with his flashlight in one hand, feeling his way through the darkness as he walks further into the supposedly haunted house. “I can’t believe you pulled me into this.”

“Oh come on, you could have left if you really didn’t want to help me find it.”

“This’ll end faster with two of us. Anyway,” Killua grouses, frowning as he steps over a fallen chair, “Can’t you just use your nose to sniff the dog out?”

“I am! But he’s moving around and his scent is _everywhere_ , so it’s hard.”

“What the hell kind of puppy runs into an abandoned house, anyway? Why was the door even open?”

“Because it’s abandoned? Maybe the puppy thought it’d be fun to play inside.”

Killua scoffs. “Are you telling me that that’s reason enough for a puppy to ditch his owner?”

Gon groans. “Don’t get annoyed with me, Killua!”

“I wasn’t!”

“Yes you were! I can tell from your tone!”

“My _tone_?” he asks, pointing his flashlight at Gon, who squints at the sudden onslaught of bright light.

“Yeah!” Gon huffs in turn, stomping over to him with his own flashlight pointed Killua’s way. Killua makes to retort, annoyed at having been roped into spending their first non-snowy day looking for a stranger’s puppy, though his mouth instantly snaps shut when Gon grabs his free hand and tugs him along as he goes.

“Turn off your flashlight, Killua,” Gon tells him, clasping his hand in a loose enough grasp that Killua could tug his hand away with ease.

Killua’s not going to do that, though. He _does_ turn off his flashlight as asked, and he says, “Something wrong with looking for the puppy separately?” Because while he _may_ enjoy the hand-holding, just a teensy bit, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to look for a reason for Gon initiating it.

“I got his scent,” Gon explains, grinning back at him like his answer explains everything. Explains why he squeezes his hand around Killua’s, carefully and slowly twining their fingers together once Killua manages to get on the same pace as him as they head deeper into the house. Killua’s heart is fit to burst in his chest when he realizes how Gon’s fingers fit into the spaces between his own, so warm and wanted, and he quietly sucks in a breath.

He’s not going to react to this. He’s _not._

“There he is!” Gon exclaims as soon as they see the pup hiding under a dark and dusty staircase, the little thing barking in excitement at them as soon as it catches sight of their light. Gon is grinning when the puppy trots up to them, immediately getting a sniff of Gon before barking at him like he’s curious as to who the stranger is. “You got lost, didn’t you little guy?” he asks the puppy as he crouches down, showing a hand for the pup to sniff, before pulling it back and laughing when the pup gets up on two paws and licks at his face. “See, Killua?” he says as he looks up at Killua, who looks back at him with a blank stare while slipping the strap of his flashlight around his wrist. “I’m sure he only wanted to explore and have fun. He probably got too scared to leave when he realizes his owner wasn’t there.”

Killua sighs. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just carry the thing so we can go.”

“I can’t.”

“And why not?”

“I’m holding onto the flashlight, obviously.”

Killua stares at him like he’s grown a second head. “…what?”

Gon grins up at him. “You can carry him!”

Killua sighs a little louder this time, like it could change something. He knows that it won’t, but still. “I can’t believe you.”

Gon straightens up into a stand, still grinning at him in a way that says he knows he’ll be getting his way in the end. Killua hates how _right_ he is. “Sure you can!”

“You’re buying me chocolates after this,” Killua tells him in the most annoyed tone he can muster. He kneels down after another weary sigh, letting the dog get a sniff of his hand as well, before catching the pup just as it hops up into him. “Up you go,” he huffs, getting a good hold on the pup even as it squirms in his arm.

Gon’s hand squeezes around his when he turns back to where they came from and Killua remembers that their fingers are still twined together, their palms growing warm in each other’s hold as they find their way out of the house. He distracts himself from thinking about it by looking down at the pup, which looks back up at him with wide brown eyes. He feels himself grow warm at its unwavering stare on him, and he hopes that it doesn’t show on his face.

“Hey Killua,” Gon calls as soon as they can see the light trickling in from outside, “I’ll treat you to the sweets shop we went to before, okay?”

“You better,” Killua tells him. He laughs a bit when the pup in his arm bats at his chest and licks at his chin, like he’s someone familiar and _safe._ The thought is funny enough that it warrants another laugh, and it somehow urges the pup to lick at him a little more.

“Then,” Gon begins while looking back at him, making Killua look up in question, “it’s a date!” He grins and Killua gapes at him, though Gon doesn’t wait for a response when he looks forward and starts walking again.

 _Like hell it is, you idiot,_ Killua doesn’t say, hoping to whatever heavenly being was out there that Gon doesn’t notice the tremble of his hand in his clasp.

 

* * *

 

“Hold out your palm.”

“Huh?”

Killua gives the fortune teller an odd look when she holds out her hand to him. “Oh,” he blinks in realization once he realizes what she means. “Nah, I’m not gonna ask for a palm-reading,” he says, waving a hand in front of him as a declining gesture to the woman’s offer. He then gestures to Gon, who is sitting beside him on the floor on fluffy tassel-tipped pillows. “I only came to keep him company; his palm is the one you want to read.”

“Oh?” she hums, side-eyeing Gon with a raised brow. Killua turns to Gon to make him clarify what he’s here for, only to make a face when he sees the excited look on Gon’s face. He’d only agreed to accompanying Gon to the fortune-teller because it had been on the way back to the inn after they went shopping for their necessities, and because it was Gon providing the payment for her service. He didn’t even _want_ to go in the first place, both because the very idea of having his fortune told by a stranger is ridiculous, and because he didn’t like the idea of hearing about a fortune that was unfavorable on Gon’s part. (While he knows that most fortune-tellers only tell good fortunes for the sake of keeping business, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any of them telling bad fortunes for the sake of being honest.)

“I see that your friend wishes for you to go first,” she tells him just as he turns to face her again, an amused and knowing smile on her face as she holds out her hand again.

He sighs as he gives her his hand. “Fine,” he says, watching her with a curious look as she takes his hand with her own. She doesn’t open his palm as he’d expected- instead, she closes her hand around his, her thumb pressing into the center of his palm as she reaches out with her other hand to her crystal ball.

She closes her eyes as she presses her palm flat against the glass and Killua stifles a laugh. He knows that a lot of fortune-tellers just con people into paying them for giving them good news, but couldn’t she have at least tried to make her business believable?

“You doubt what I can do, don’t you?” she tells him with closed eyes still, and he stiffens. Gon stifles a laugh with his hand over his mouth, though a tiny giggle manages to escape anyway. “I can’t force you to believe what I will say of your fortune, but I do hope that you take into account what I have to say.” She pauses, before smiling down at the table. “If it helps ease some of your doubt, this fortune-telling of mine is a nen-based practice.”

Killua snaps his mouth shut at that.

She laughs softly. “I’m glad that helped. Now then,” and she breathes in, deep and drawn-out, before exhaling softly, “to your fortune.” Her fingers flex for a fraction of second when they splay open on the crystal ball.

He waits as she hums under her breath, admittedly a bit more nervous than he should be, and watches as she clenches her eyes shut in concentration. “I see,” she begins, trailing off for a bit, “a proud little bird soaring through the air, graceful and beautiful.”

Killua raises an eyebrow at those words. _The hell?_

She continues, not having noticed Killua’s bemusement, “It flies and flies, always making sure to fly where it can see the boy it loves.” She smiles and Killua feels himself tense, his fingers flexing on instinct in her hold as he makes sure to avoid Gon’s gaze. “It is a proud bird, and that is why it tries its hardest to be seen as beautiful by its beloved. Unfortunately, in that bird’s absorption with being noticed by the boy it loves, it does not see the wall of glass in its way as it flies closer to him. It has always flown far away, in a place where its beloved could only see but never touch it. On its first try to come closer it crashes, graceless…”

Killua swallows, trying not to react openly to her words as he clenches his free hand on his lap. He understands, despite the ridiculousness of her comparison of him to a bird, and he feels nervous; a familiar dark feeling winds tight inside his chest but he breathes as calmly as he can, not wanting Gon to notice that he has figured out what she means. He pretends, as he often does, that he is fine.

She continues to speak still and Killua blinks, surprised that she has more to say. “…but it is fine. Its beloved laughs because it is the first time he has seen the little bird being so clumsy, and he grows to love it all the more.”

He’s staring when she opens her eyes, his heart thumping loudly enough in his chest that he can feel his ears ringing with the sound for a blink of a moment. She smiles while releasing his hand and he turns his gaze down, not wanting her to see any more of him than she’s already seen. What _more_ could he even bare, at this point?

“Me next!” Gon exclaims, his words breaking Killua out of his contemplation just as he was about to sink deeper into unwanted thoughts. Gon grins at him while holding out his own hand for the fortune-teller, something comforting behind the expression as though he understood what she’d meant to say when she told Killua’s fortune.

Killua looks away, knowing full well that Gon _does_ understand. He has always understood things about him since long ago, has saved Killua countless times with just his words- even when Killua didn’t feel like he deserved it, or him.

Gon knows, but he won’t tell Killua that he does. That’s how it’s always been, and how it always will be.

Killua wishes that that wasn’t the case. (And yet, he doesn’t change; he remains insincere, always hiding what he truly feels, even when he wants so _badly_ to tell Gon the truth. The _whole_ truth.)

“I see water,” the fortune-teller begins, making Killua turn his attention to her as she concentrates her nen on the crystal ball under her palm, “strong and violent waves, flowing in a tumultuous stream further and further away from the great ocean.”

Killua chances a peek at Gon and sees pure concentration, his gaze unwavering on the fortune-teller as she keeps one hand clasped around Gon’s own. She says, eyes closed still, “I see those violent waves calming as they pass a low-hanging bridge, the water finding peace as it flows further away from the ocean to find its new dwelling near lush earth, giving life to the nature that surrounds it.

As it flows into gentle streams through fertile land,” and here she smiles, finding something amusing in her words though Killua doesn’t quite get it, “the sun sets in the west, and dawn brings a new day.”

There’s a twinkle in her eyes when she blinks them open, the knowing smile on her face not faltering one bit as she releases Gon’s hand from her hold. Gon grins back and Killua sighs, watching as he pulls out his wallet to pay her for the fortunes she’d told.

“A word of advice for the two of you, before you go,” she says just as she tucks the payment into her own purse. She smiles and it’s meant for Killua, gentle and understanding, and Killua swallows. It still feels weird whenever a stranger is nice to him for no reason, no matter how much Gon insists that it’s something he should get used to. “Do take the fortunes I’ve told into consideration when making decisions that you feel are truly important to you. They may sound overly dramatic, considering how they’re mostly metaphors,” she admits with laughter in her tone, “but they are true.”

Gon grins, sending her a thumbs-up as soon as he gets up on his feet. “We will! Right, Killua?”

“Uh.” Killua blinks, surprised at being called on, but he nods nonetheless. He turns to look back at the fortune-teller just before they leave her shop, deliberately letting himself fall behind until Gon is out of sight, and says to her, “I’ll think about it.”

She smiles. “That’s good enough for me.”

 

* * *

 

“Gon!”

“What?” Gon asks, looking up from packing their things. He bites back a smile when he sees Killua frantically looking through their shopping bags for the chocolate he thinks he’d bought, but Gon had put away before they got to one of the checkouts. He feels a little bit guilty about it, but still…it’s not right for Killua to eat so much chocolate in a span of one week!

“Where’s my chocolate? I’m sure I bought some,” he says, looking terribly distressed with his drawn-up brows and wide eyes, “but there aren’t any here.”

“Are you sure you bought some?” Gon asks him, opting to go the innocent route as he turns back to his bag to finish up packing.

“Yes! I’m _sure_ I bought some.”

Gon shrugs, smiling to himself as he rolls up the few shirts he has- some of which Killua had pushed him to buy because of his “unbelievably small wardrobe”- and packs them into the bag. “Then I don’t know.”

“ _Uuughhh,_ ” Killua groans. Gon takes a small peek, turning his head slightly, only to choke back a laugh when he sees Killua slumping into the shopping bags from his misery at not having his chocolate stash. “I’m sure I bought a lot…” he murmurs, looking gloomier than ever as he leans back to glare at the shopping bags as though doing so could make his chocolates magically re-appear. “I’m _definitely_ sure.”

Gon says nothing in reply, humming softly to himself as he rolls up his shorts and packs them with his shirts.

He freezes when he feels arms wrapping slowly around his waist. “Hey, Gon,” Killua murmurs, breath wafting on Gon’s ear as he speaks. The embarrassing thing is that Gon doesn’t know what it is that makes him shiver; if it was Killua unintentionally blowing cold air into his ear, or the way his voice sounded when he whispered.

(He has a feeling that it’s both, and he feels even more horrible.)

“Y-yeah?” he manages to say, the smile on his face faltering ever so slightly when Killua presses up close to him, his chest warm on Gon’s back as he hugs him from behind. Somehow it feels a little different than when he does it to Killua, and he thinks it has something to do with how Killua is breathing so close into his ear. On any other day he’s _sure_ he can appreciate this sort of closeness, even more so considering how it’s Killua initiating it, but…

Maybe it’s because he _knows_ that he’s the one who took Killua’s chocolates away from him?

“Are you _sure_ you don’t know where my chocolates went?” Killua asks, lips brushing against Gon’s earlobe when he talks. Gon swallows, feeling cold sweat form on his nape out of nervousness as Killua shifts to a more comfortable position behind him. He feels Killua’s arms tightening around his waist, ever so slightly, and it’s sort of like he’s forgotten how to breathe when Killua’s fingers unfurl and flatten onto his stomach until the tips are touching the waistband of his shorts.

“Yeah, I’m sure!” Gon squeaks. His face feels uncomfortably warm when Killua turns his head down, his lips pressing against Gon’s bare neck and sending vibrations into his skin as he hums.

This is so much worse than being mauled, probably. At least he could fight back if Killua tried to break his bones out of spite from having his sweets taken away.

“Mm? Are you sure? Really _really_ sure?” Killua asks, raising his head to talk into Gon’s ear again. Gon tries not to cry from how weird Killua is acting and how _uncomfortable_ it’s making him feel. If Killua doesn’t stop he’ll probably give up and confess, and he doesn’t _want_ to be mauled after already being toyed with this much!

He says, mustering what sternness he could as he turns his head to face Killua, “Killua, I said that I don’t know-“

He freezes when he sees the blank-eyed gaze Killua has on him. The sweat feels like bullets on his skin now, cold and unforgiving as they trickle from his nape down to his back.

Killua _knows._

“Oh? Then what are you feeling nervous for?” Killua tells him, sliding his arms away from Gon’s waist as he moves to sit beside him. Gon’s heartbeat goes into overdrive, pulsing fast and painfully loud in his chest when Killua puts both of his hands palm-open on either side of Gon’s face to pull him close. His breath catches in his throat when their foreheads press against each other, the proximity making Gon unable to completely avoid Killua’s gaze on him. “Hm, Gon?”

 “A-ah,” Gon manages to stutter out, gaze turning away from Killua’s to settle on the carpeted floor. “You’re a bit too close, Killua…”

“No I’m not,” Killua says simply, forcing him to look back into his blue-eyed blank gaze with both hands pressing firmly onto Gon’s cheeks. “You get way closer than me whenever you do this sort of thing.”

“No I don-”

“You do,” Killua cuts off. Then he smiles and it feels wicked, making Gon feel a little bit colder than before. “Really, Gon. Why do you have to lie? I _know_ that I put the chocolates in the basket. I left you to pay for the stuff when I went to get the orange juice you said we forgot.”

“Erm,” Gon mumbles nervously, feeling his lips tremble with nervousness as Killua stares intently at him. “Maybe the cashier forgot to- urgh.” He grunts when Killua squishes his face until his lips are forming an involuntary pout. “Killua-!”

“Stop _lying,_ ” Killua says, smiling in that scary way he does when he’s only barely managing to rein his anger in. “Admit it!”

“You eat too much chocolate, okay!” Gon ends up screaming, his face flushing red as he pushes Killua away with enough force that he ends up tumbling onto his back on the floor. “It’s unhealthy!”

“They’re just sweets! It’s not like they’re poison!” Killua yells back, the tumble not affecting him at all as he instantly springs back up into a sitting position. “What do you have against chocolate, huh?!”

“I don’t have anything against chocolate!”

“Then why do you keep me from buying them!”

“Because I’m worried about your health!”

Killua sputters at that. Gon knows he’s sporting an angry look after having screamed the main reason for his lying about taking away his chocolates, and it’s probably why Killua is staring at him like he doesn’t know what else to say.

“I could make you food, you know?” Gon says, more subdued this time as he pouts and glares down at the floor. “I could cook other delicious stuff for you if you wanted. I don’t want you to get sick just because you eat so much junk food.”

Killua goes quiet at that.

Gon starts fiddling with the hems of his shorts, a lot less angrily glaring at the floor, though he’s still pouting while he keeps his gaze down. “I’ll learn to make sweet food that’s healthy too. Okay? I’m sorry I lied, but,” he trails off, peeking up at Killua without really raising his bowed head, “I did it because I care. I’m not trying to be mean, Killua.”

Killua groans and Gon looks up, his lower lip caught under his teeth as he watches Killua bury his face in his open palms. “ _Fine,_ ” he grumbles, a hint of pink in his cheeks as he lowers his hands to look at Gon with a barely hidden pout. “I’m not gonna give up on my chocolate if your cooking isn’t delicious, got that?”

Gon grins and the relief settles in his chest like warm blankets during a cold night. He laughs when he pounces for a hug, not letting Killua get the chance to run away as he holds him close into a tight embrace. There are stuttered out complaints and weak struggling, until Killua gives in, accepting the affection for what it is as he wraps his own arms around Gon’s shoulders.

Gon says with a smile, the word a promise even if he doesn’t say that it is, “Yes!”

 

* * *

 

“Ah.”

Killua turns to look at Gon because of the small utterance, raising an eyebrow at him while setting his backpack down on their corner of the room. “Ah?”

“I forgot something important,” Gon mumbles, looking oddly gloomy as he sets his own bag beside Killua’s. “I _thought_ I forgot something, but I didn’t think I’d only remember now…”

“Too late to regret it now,” Killua says with a shrug. He sits down on the floor, using his bag as a makeshift pillow for his back as he looks up at Gon with a cocked head. “So? What was it?”

“…batteries.”

“…what.”

“I’m sorry!” Gon yells, immediately getting down on his knees and bowing his head onto the floor. “I didn’t mean to forget!”

“It was on _top_ of the list when I asked you to get it.”

“I…might have lost the list…”

“ _Gon._ ”

Gon makes small whimpering sounds on the floor as he keeps his palms pressed flat on the floor in front of him. “I’m really sorry, Killua!”

“You better be sorry!” Killua says, grinning in that scary way he does whenever Gon strikes a nerve. He pinches Gon’s cheeks as soon as Gon looks up at him, the grin on his face unwavering as he tugs enough to hurt.

“ _Oww-_ ”

“What the hell are lists even for!” Killua says, teeth gritting as he tugs on Gon’s cheeks in annoyance. “And it was the _first_ thing on the list, Gon!“

“I _know_ ,” Gon whines, tears brimming in his eyes from the pain of Killua pinching him. “I’m sorry!”

“Hmph.” Killua huffs as he releases Gon from his hold, watching with a frown and furrowed brows as Gon whimpers while gently rubbing at his red cheeks. “I really shouldn’t leave you to do the shopping.”

“Like you’re any better off when I let you buy things?” Gon grumbles, pouting as he keeps rubbing at his cheeks like it’ll help ease the pain. “You end up buying more sweets than you should, you know.”

“Hey, at least I don’t forget any of the important stuff.”

“You waste way more money than I do, though.”

There’s a beat of a second before they both turn to each other with twin glares.

“Are you deliberately trying to make me angry, huh Gon?” Killua asks, eye twitching in his anger as he leans into Gon’s space.

“You could just forgive me and leave it as it is!” Gon retorts, leaning even further into Killua’s space until their noses are pressing against each other.

“Yeah?! I wasn’t the one who said that I buy too many sweets!”

“But it’s true!”

“You say it like you’re trying to turn the argument around on me!”

“ _You’re_ the one who’s getting angry just because I said that!”

“That’s because you brought it up!”

“I only said it because you were getting angry at me like _I’m_ the only one who makes mistakes!”

They both wrinkle their noses at each other in anger. The ship rocks and they sway with the movement, their glares unwavering despite the shift in position. It is silent except for the little growling sounds they both make as they press on closer, close enough that both their breaths come out in warm puffs over tightly shut lips.

The ship rocks a little harder on the next wave and they both blink when Gon leans a little too forward than necessary, one of his hands automatically reaching out for balance before he can completely topple over.

It takes a whistle from the background for Killua to realize just how _close_ they are and how Gon’s lips are chapped and cold against his own.

Killua thinks time might have stopped in that one moment, though it quickly starts again once he feels Gon shifting against him, his lips rough on Killua's own that Killua's first instinctive move is to push him away. “I- Wh-” he sputters once he's pushed Gon off of him, crawling back a good distance away before wiping furiously at his lips. “Watch it, you idiot!”

“It’s not my fault that the ship moved!” Gon retorts, not looking particularly affected by what had just transpired as he springs up from where he is on the floor. “Why are you so angry at me?”

“Because you kissed me!” Killua yells, his whole face hot with embarrassment as he glares weakly at Gon, who stares at him like he’d grown five wings on his back in a matter of seconds.

“Here I thought they’d make up,” Killua hears being said from another corner of the ship. He flushes a darker red at that, feeling his whole body grow warm with shame as he ruffles his own hair in frustration. How could he have forgotten that there were _other people_ below deck with them?

“It was an accident, Killua, you don’t have to act so weird about it,” Gon says, his words and his tone leaving no room for doubt as to what he honestly thinks about the whole thing. He sighs and Killua feels his chest grow tight at the realization. Of course Gon wouldn’t find it weird. He’s probably kissed someone before, considering how he’s the type of guy who could easily charm someone without even trying. This sort of thing wouldn't matter so much to him, like it would to Killua.

(Though the only reason for it to matter so much to him in the first place is because it's _Gon-_  not because it's his first kiss. First kisses were never as important before when he didn't know what they would mean to someone like him.)

“Was that your first kiss?” Gon asks him as he crawls closer, snapping Killua out his thoughts with a “huh?!” of surprise.

“Something wrong with that?” he asks, barely managing to hold back the odd tone threatening to spill over into his voice.

“No,” Gon says. Then he smiles, like he’s used to accidentally kissing his friends and asking them if they’ve had their first kiss yet. Killua frowns at the thought. “I think that’s nice, actually,” Gon adds a little later, earning Killua’s blank-eyed stare when he giggles.

“Are you making fun of me?” He says, glaring despite how embarrassed he is as he lightly kicks at Gon’s knee.

“I’m not! I just thought that it’s nice since you said it like it’s something important. Were you reserving your first kiss for someone special?” Gon asks, grinning as folds his legs until they’re crossed over each other.

Killua hides the tremble of his lips with a clenched fist, looking away from Gon as he asks, “What does it matter?”

“I ended up being the one who stole your first kiss,” Gon says. He yelps when Killua kicks at him again, though Killua pulls his foot back before Gon can do anything about it. “Hey!” Gon huffs, angry, as though he wasn’t the one talking about stealing Killua’s first kiss like it was nothing. Which it was, obviously, but still…the notion that Gon could make fun of it so easily like that is disappointing. Killua isn’t the type to entertain fantasies, considering how dangerous it would be to do so, but Gon could at least practice a little bit of delicacy.

“I’m not going to apologize for that, Killua,” Gon says. He’s frowning when Killua looks up at him, arms folded over his chest to further emphasize how serious he’s being- a contrast from his joking tone just earlier, making Killua feel a little dizzy with how Gon is acting about the whole thing. And Gon had said that _he_ was the one acting weird about it.

“What are you talking about?” Killua says, squinting at Gon like it’ll give him the answer.

“I’m not going to say sorry for kissing you!”

“You- what- how can you just _say_ that!”  He sputters, trying to be discreet as he looks behind Gon, only to have his worries affirmed when he sees some people smiling while looking their way.

“I mean it!” Gon insists, like the sincerity of what he’s saying is what Killua’s sputtering about. “Your lips were really soft, so I didn’t expect that,” Gon admits as though Killua were curious about what he thought of the kiss- which wasn’t even a _real_ kiss considering how it was accidental-, making Killua gape at him like a deer caught in headlights. “But anyway! I’m not going to say sorry, because it was an accident. I didn’t mean to kiss you, and you didn’t mean to kiss me, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t nice. It was good, even if it happened a little too fast,” Gon mumbles the last part to himself. “So. I’m not going to say sorry, because…I feel a little glad that I got to be the one that kissed you before anyone else? Sort of.” Then he frowns, as though remembering something important. “I’m sorry if you hated it, though.”

Killua thinks he might have a heart attack just listening to all of that.

“I didn’t _hate_ it,” he says, somehow achieving an air of indifference at Gon’s words despite his initial shock at hearing them. The sigh that leaves him is heavy and drawn-out as he runs a hand through his hair to ease some of his nerves. He continues, because Gon looks like he’s waiting for him to say more, “It just…surprised me, I guess. You acted like it was normal for that sort of thing to happen to you.”

“Eh? No it’s not,” Gon says, blinking wide and bemused eyes as he looks at Killua. “You’re the first person I’ve kissed too.”

Silence.

More silence.

Until-

“ _Ehh?!_ ”

Gon laughs at Killua’s bewilderment. “Did you think that I already kissed someone because I’ve been on dates before?”

Killua leans back into the wall after having leaned forward in surprise at Gon’s admission. “Well, _yeah._ ” He frowns, pressing his clenched fist to his lips as he thinks. “I didn’t think that you hadn’t done that sort of thing yet.”

“Well, I haven’t. So you’re my first kiss too!” And he grins, looking far too happy at the prospect of having his first kiss with his best friend. Killua knows- has _always_ known- that Gon is a bit weird, but this is too much, even for him.

He flushes red at Gon’s shamelessness. “You really don’t have any shame, do you?”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about?” Gon asks, lips pursed as stares at Killua in question. Killua stares a little more before succumbing to his urge to laugh, the sound coming out nigh hysterical as he covers his face with a hand.  _Of course_. Of course Gon wouldn't be embarrassed-  _why_ would he be embarrassed about such a thing? Killua should have known that Gon's weirdness when it comes to something like this doesn't know any limits.

“I honestly don’t get you," he says once he's calmed. He wipes at the corners of his eyes, lips trembling from holding in a laugh as he sucks in a breath of air.

Gon smiles like being called incomprehensible is a compliment and it's so warm, so affectionate that Killua has to look away, lest Gon see the amused smile on his face turning into an affectionate one.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing, having his first kiss taken like that. Gon didn’t seem to mind the way it happened- that it _happened_ at all-, and even that is an understatement after everything Gon has said. He definitely didn’t sound like he was disappointed.

 _Still_ , Killua sighs to himself, propping his chin over his knee as he absent-mindedly watches Gon making himself comfortable beside him.

_I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s happy just because it’s another ‘first’ that we shared with each other._


	7. porcelain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) and [kiruazoldycks](http://kiruazoldycks.tumblr.com) for supporting me through this thing and helping me out with the little details. You guys are truly godsends. <3
> 
> Song title for this chapter is [Porcelain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWt3maYjSOw) by Marianas Trench.
> 
> Prompts  
> 31\. It was so fragile it immediately broke in two.  
> 32\. Of course they would put it on the top shelf!  
> 33\. He struck it in the hopes it would start working again.  
> 34\. I can't believe they chose this wallpaper.  
> 35\. How could he have gotten it so hopelessly wrong?

For a guy who’s handled pain with ease since childhood, Killua is far easier to break than he looks.

Gon has only realized it now, among other things he’s discovered about Killua ever since they reunited. Without being occupied with goals like winning a game, or finding Ging, he’s had more time to really _look_ at his best friend. He’s noticed far more things than he thought he would have, just watching Killua as he moved and talked and breathed.

That he watched Killua that much, _enjoyed_ observing the little quirks and gestures, was surprising- though it was a nice kind of surprise. There were so many more things to Killua than he had thought, and he loved that he was one of the so few number of people who could notice those little details in him. Like how he likes to keep his hands hidden in his pockets, hiding claws and secrets inside strong but small hands, or how he walks quietly as though always on the prowl for something. How, when they’re in a place that looks just a little bit dangerous, the quiet aura around him becomes a little louder, harder to ignore in its intensity that people can’t help from being warded off.

When they meet Leorio again, having come by without telling him of their visit, Killua is the first to speak- calling Leorio a geezer, as he often does- and the only one to struggle when Leorio takes them both in a hug. Gon watches him, because he can and Killua won’t mind, and he notices the little twitch of a smile right on the corner of Killua’s lips as soon as they’re released from the long hug.

The moment that Gon turns to look up at Leorio, telling him that they missed him and that he’s glad to see him again, Killua looks at him. Gon can tell from the momentary glance Leorio turns Killua’s way before looking back at him again, the smile on his face telling enough that Gon grins back.

He’s only gotten better through the months when it comes to noticing these sorts of things. Killua thinks that he isn’t aware of it but he is, because he wants to make up for all that he lost; the time from being separated, being preoccupied with things that weren’t Killua because he’d thought that he would stay with him forever, and the chances he had to be with Killua- to really _know_ Killua more.

It isn’t because he owes Killua, or that he particularly _needs_ Killua’s company. He isn’t miserable without him, as Killua wasn’t without him either, and he isn’t desperate to have him back.

It’s just that he wants Killua by his side again, because he’s important to him. Because he’s never been as happy as he was before they met each other, because Killua is his most precious friend and he loves him.

He loves him, and that’s really all there is to it.

There’s a click of the doorknob turning and the nurse lady from before peeks in, a sheepish smile on her face as she tells them that Leorio’s presence is required for a consultation.

“Guess we’ll have to take our time later,” Leorio tells them both with a grin and hair-ruffles. “It’s a busy life, being a doctor. You two can go in through there,” and he points to the red door to the far right, a good distance away from his desk, “and take a break in the room without the ‘don’t disturb’ sign.”

Gon agrees with a salute to the suggestion, grinning when Leorio grins back at him.

“I’m off, then! Make sure not to break anything, you two,” Leorio warns with a stern frown, though it swiftly transforms into an affectionate smile just before he reaches the door. What he says as he steps out is not lost on either him or Killua, considering their good hearing, and Gon smiles. Killua’s own smile is an amused one, most likely because he’s entertained at how it sounded like Leorio was embarrassed about it; Gon doesn’t have the courage to tell him that it reminds him of Killua, as tempting as it is, because he’ll surely be smacked on the head for it.

“He could’ve just said the he missed us to our faces,” Killua says with a huff, a small hint of a laugh in his voice as he heads for the red door. (Gon stifles a laugh at those words, because he doesn’t want to start an argument.) He’s looking around as soon as he opens it, looking excited to explore, to which Gon instantly reacts by reaching out and gripping onto his wrist. Killua looks back at him with a confused look, eyes wide in surprise at being stopped in the middle of stepping into the hallway.

“I’m really tired, Killua,” he says, not quite faking a yawn as he loosens his hold on Killua’s wrist. “Let’s get some sleep first?”

“Ehh,” Killua whines half-heartedly, frowning as he peeks back into the narrow hallway. “Fine,” he agrees without much complaint, taking the yawn for a genuine one as he leads Gon to the red door without a sign. He opens it and walks in like the room is familiar to him, not at all warning Gon when the first thing he does after finding the lone bed in the room is flop on it. Gon follows him instantly, his hand on Killua’s wrist only letting go as soon as he’s already in a clumsy heap half-on-top of Killua’s prone form.

“Move it,” Killua groans into the bed, his right hand rising to push at Gon’s head.

“Don’t do that,” Gon groans back, rolling over until he’s on his back and a hand’s distance away from Killua.

He breathes in, closing his eyes for a moment, before opening them again to look at Killua, who seems to be intent on sleeping in the bed even with the lower half of his body almost sliding off the edge. “Come on,” he sighs while sitting up, an affectionate smile showing itself on his face as he picks Killua up by his arms. “Up you go,” he huffs, dragging Killua up on the bed until he’s in a comfortable position. Killua offers little whines and groans at being moved but does not struggle, completely limp in Gon’s arms the whole time that he’s being pulled up the bed.

 _Seems like it’s one of those days,_ Gon thinks with an amused smile, his gaze soft as he reaches out to run his hand through white hair. He pulls up his legs to his chest and places his right hand over his knee, using it as a pillow of sorts for his cheek, all while continuing the gentle ministrations of his left hand on Killua’s hair. His smile widens when Killua hums under his touch; it hurts a bit, somewhere by his jaw, and he bites his lip to force himself to stop.

Sometimes, whenever Killua feels like being spoiled, he’ll do what he’s doing now. He’ll act tired, even though he _can’t_ be, considering the training he went through and his level of endurance, and he’ll let Gon do whatever he wants without any loud complaints. He’ll groan a bit, and he’ll huff, but he doesn’t actively do anything to stop Gon from doing things like petting his hair, or cuddling him.

It’s his favorite thing out of all the things he’s learned about Killua, and what makes it better (than it already is) is how Killua won’t hesitate to let Gon take care of him whenever he feels like being spoiled.

“Hey,” he whispers, watching with a small smile as Killua hums in reply. He murmurs, loud enough for Killua to hear but soft enough that it couldn’t be heard anywhere away from the bed, “You make me really happy, Killua.” Then he smiles a little wider, watching as Killua processes what he just said.

The initial reaction is an absent-minded hum. That is, until Killua’s eyes clench shut and his eyebrows furrow in realization at just what it was that Gon said.

He stifles a laugh when Killua turns until his back is facing him.

“What is it with you and saying stuff like that out of the blue?” Killua grumbles, raising both of his arms to his face so that it’s perfectly covered for when Gon tries to lean over and look at him.

“It’s not out of the blue,” he says, sliding his way down the bed until he’s lying on his side. He keeps one hand back for his cheek to rest on while using his other hand to reach out for a nice, gentle ruffle on Killua’s hair, earning a small (and hesitant) hum of satisfaction at the touch. “I just thought you needed a reminder.”

Killua, predictably enough, grumbles at the notion. He turns around and Gon smiles as soon as they’re facing each other. “I’m not so emotionally fragile that I need to be reminded about that sort of thing,” he says, blue eyes narrowing a bit in their gaze on him.

“I know you’re not,” Gon hums in reply. He grins when Killua frowns in bemusement at him. “You’re the strongest person I know, Killua.”

Killua scoffs, clearly not taking Gon’s words as reason enough. “Yeah? Then why did you think I need a reminder?”

He manages a half-shrug while lying on the bed. “I just thought you did,” he says, opting for a simpler answer. He could say that it’s because it makes Killua happy, because he _likes_ making him happy- or he could tell him that it’s because he wants Killua to know that he’s important, that his happiness is important, and that while Gon may make him angry and frustrated at times, he still likes it best when he can make Killua happy.

Because Killua never looks like he’s certain of his happiness; he always treats it like it’s something so fragile that he can’t even bear to touch it, lest it break in his touch as soon as he accepts it.

 

* * *

 

“Killua, I don’t think we should do this…”

“Don’t be such a wuss! We’re just checking out what Leorio’s put on the top shelf. If he didn’t want us to find it, he’d have hidden it somewhere else.”

“Still!”

“Too late, I got it.” Then he giggles, the mischievous intent clear in the sound of his voice as he says, “Let’s see what’s inside…”

Silence.

The quiet pervades the room as they flip through album pages. It is comforting, not quite like the dead silence that the two of them hate so much, and it is fine. Or, at least, it _was-_ until the sound of flipping pages stops and sniffles replace them.

The door swings open with a creak and Leorio steps in, looking a cross of cheery and tired as he tugs off the stethoscope hanging from around his neck. “Hey, you two-“

Then he stops mid-step into the room, in shock for a fraction of a second, until he squawks, “Wh-why are you guys crying?!”

“ _Leorio_ ooo,” Gon sniffles, looking a tad more like his younger self with his tears and bumbling, “I’m sorry I looked at it, but- but-”

“You’re such a sap,” Killua butts in, looking teary himself as he rubs furiously at his eyes. “Ugh, why am I crying?”

“Because you’re a sap too!” Gon retorts, rubbing at his own eyes before punching Killua lightly by the shoulder. “You wouldn’t cry if you weren’t!”

“Wait, wait,” Leorio says, the bewildered look on his face making way for a narrow-eyed and suspicious gaze. Killua looks up mid-punch, blinking blue eyes in question at Leorio in the same way that Gon does. “Just _what_ did the two of you do?”

“We found this,” Gon answers dutifully, still sniffling as he raises the book he and Killua are holding onto so Leorio can see the cover.

He flushes instantly once he realizes that it’s the photo album full of their pictures together that he’d kept on the top shelf- _clearly_ not as hidden as he’d thought it would be when he’d thought of putting it there. How was _he_ supposed to know that they’d grown so damned tall? “Give me that!” He snaps as he takes the thing away from them.

“ _Wahh, Leorio,_ ” Gon cries louder, stumbling into him with wide open arms. He clutches onto the back of Leorio’s coat with a hiccup, nuzzling his teary-eyed face into Leorio’s dress shirt  as he fumbles words out, “I- I missed you _so much!_ I’m sorry we- hic- never came before,” and he wails, squeezing his arms tightly around Leorio’s waist until Leorio has to wheeze for breath.

“See? You’re an old geezer for keeping this sort of stuff,” Killua says with a smirk, though the snarky effect is lost on him when he sniffles. Leorio sighs in exasperation at the pathetic attempt at being cool and opens his arms, smiling in amusement when Killua blinks teary eyes at him in surprise. “Wh- I don’t need to hug you!” He protests, though he comes closer anyway.

“Sure you do,” Leorio says with a laugh and a grin, taking Killua into his embrace before he can complain much more. His sniffling becomes more frequent but he does not bawl, unlike Gon, who seems to be intent on getting the whole of Leorio’s shirt wet with just his tears. “There, there,” he says, smiling softly as he gently pets both of their heads. The affection he has for these two kids is overwhelming in its intensity, though he manages to rein it in when he bows his head a little to hug them closer.

“I missed you guys so much,” he says, grinning through the tears brimming in his eyes as he hugs the two a little tighter into his arms. “Took you long enough to visit me.”

“ _We’re sorry_ ,” Gon wails into Leorio’s shirt, clutching tighter onto his coat as he sniffles louder.

“It’s okay, I forgive you.” He grins, sniffling a bit as he gives their hair a good ruffle. “Just make sure to visit more often, okay? And _not_ because you need medical assistance.”

Killua and Gon laugh at that, shaking both of their heads as an answer. “’course we won’t do that,” Killua says, wiping at his nose with a grin. “We already know a ton of first aid in case we need it.”

“You’re so un-cute, brat.” But he laughs anyway, wiping at his own tears with the back of his occupied hand while wrapping his other arm around both their shoulders. He sets the album he’s holding onto back on a portion of the shelf that he can reach, making sure that it won’t fall as he pushes it in, before returning to the embrace with a wide grin on his face. He lets the relief at having them back settle into his bones in small trickles; slowly, carefully flowing into him as he breathes in.

He sighs, all affectionate exasperation, and says, “But I guess I missed that about you.”

 

* * *

 

 _Smack_.

“Ow! Why did you hit me?!”

Killua rolls his eyes after having smacked Gon over the head with the TV remote, as though it’s _normal_ to hit the guy you like over the head. Leorio feels like he’ll have a headache just from watching these two, honestly. “Your head is hard enough to handle it, calm down.”

“You hit me with the remote!”

Killua shrugs, though the mischievous grin on his face betrays what indifference he tries to pull at having hit Gon. “I thought it might work if I tried hitting it on something hard,” he says, before turning his attention back to the TV and trying to flip to another channel. He narrows his eyes when the attempt doesn’t succeed. “Seems like it’s too shitty for even that to work.”

“That’s because you _hit_ me with it!” Gon complains, shoving at Killua’s shoulder with a rough hand, though it fails to actually hurt him any.

“You’re fine, you big baby,” Killua scoffs, before reaching out with his free hand to ruffle Gon’s hair. Gon huffs and pouts at the treatment but doesn’t complain anymore, sitting back as he watches Killua try to shake the remote to make it work.

“Could you stop treating my remote like that?” Leorio snaps, trying to reach out for it, though he fails when Killua instantly hides it behind his back. “Damn it, you brat!”

“You should at least buy a better remote,” Killua says, eyeing the remote as soon as Leorio goes back to fuming on the other end of his couch. “Are we seriously going to be stuck watching these dumb dramas on TV?”

“I think it’s fine,” Gon sighs, having already stopped rubbing at his head a few seconds ago. Leorio grits his teeth when he sees how easily he takes the remote from Killua’s hands. “At least we can watch something, right?”

“But it’s so _boring,_ ” Killua whines, stretching his arms back until he’s leaning far into the back of the couch. “I don’t want to watch this stuff!”

“Well, they said it’s sort of suspenseful,” Gon offers while trying to press a button on the remote to change the channel, though it doesn’t work either. He sighs, before returning the remote to Leorio with a sheepish smile. “Sorry about the remote, Leorio.”

Leorio makes a face when he sees the less than decent state of his remote after having gone through Killua’s torturous ministrations. “ _He,_ ” he says as he points the remote Killua’s way, “should be the one apologizing, not you.”

“I’m sorry,” Killua drawls, eyelashes fluttering as he places both of his hands on Gon’s shoulder and uses it as a resting place for his chin. “Is that enough?”

“As if it is, you little-!” Leorio’s snarls taper into barely reigned in growls, before he huffs loudly and sits back into his half of the couch. “Jeez. Give a guy a break. It’s only been a day and you’re _already_ getting on my nerves.”

“Well I wouldn’t be, if the remote wasn’t so useless.” Killua sighs as he shifts away from Gon. Gon smiles at him as though expecting what he’s going to do next- which Leorio _doesn’t_. He stretches out on the couch to rest his head on Gon’s lap, letting his feet dangle from the armrest as he makes himself comfortable on his side. He says, perfectly fine where he is, “The shows on that channel are pointless, anyway. It’s the same thing over and over again.”

“How do you mean?” Gon asks, tilting his head in question.

“You haven’t noticed?” Killua asks while turning around until he’s flat on his back on the couch. He makes a face when Gon shakes his head as an answer. “It’s always the same drama! Girl who doesn’t have anything finds a guy who has everything, but the guy has a girlfriend or fiancé already. But they _still_ fall in love with each other, because apparently it’s _destiny_ that they met? And then there’s all this pointless drama about the guy being possessive, and the girl apparently being related to him somehow, and- _urgh!_ It’s so frustrating.”

Leorio grins at Killua’s lengthy complaint. He asks, something teasing in his tone, “Why does it sound like you’ve watched a lot of this sort of thing?”

“Because I _have_ ,” Killua moans in dismay, covering his face with both hands as he breathes in deeply. The teasing tone is lost on him- or is ignored, which is the most likely case considering how Killua is when it comes to him. “Multiple times, just because Palm and Alluka asked me to.”

Leorio blinks when he absently looks up and sees a flash of something in Gon’s eyes. He rubs at his eyes just to be sure, but frowns when he doesn’t see that little glimpse of… _something_ , again.

“Why would they ask you to?” Gon asks, curious, brown eyes turning their gaze from the TV down to Killua.

“Well, technically it was _Palm_ who asked, since Alluka only asked me to because Palm asked her first.” Killua sighs and lowers his hands, crossing his arms over his chest as he keeps his eyes shut as though trying to recall something. “We watched series after series during the time I spent at Whale Island before I left for the World Tree.”

“Oh,” Gon hums. He pets at Killua’s hair and Killua makes little satisfied noises, making him smile as he turns his attention back to the TV. “She probably asked to gain Alluka’s trust as a friend.”

“…I suppose that makes sense.” Then Killua sighs, annoyed as he blinks blue eyes open to squint at Gon. “Still, I don’t understand why I had to get roped into it.”

“Because Alluka asked you to watch with her?”

“Don’t you use that smart-ass tone on me, Gon,” Killua warns, though he doesn’t sound as threatening when he ends up grinning.

“It’s true, though,” Gon huffs, smiling as well as he toys with white locks between his fingers.

“Much as I’d like to watch you two love birds being cute on my couch,” Leorio says after a cough, making Killua flush red and immediately sit up away from Gon, “could you please quiet down? I’m actually watching what’s on the TV.”

He turns his gaze from the TV to Gon, expecting a sheepish smile of embarrassment, though what he gets is something entirely different. He blinks and the stern look is gone as soon as it came, yet he’s _certain_ of what he saw this time. He frowns when Gon smiles like he hadn’t just given Leorio the scariest look a kid could give at being teased. “You,” he begins but trails off, frown deepening when Gon tilts his head in confusion, “…never mind.” He sighs as he turns his attention back to the TV, setting the remote back on the coffee table after having already given up on its usefulness.

 It’s probably best not to meddle with them if Gon’s just going to get angry about it.

 

* * *

 

“I can’t believe you chose this kind of wallpaper.”

“Something wrong with it?” Leorio asks, raising a brow as he pours their cold chocolate drink for them into the tea cups they’d bought for him.

“It’s a lot less gaudy than what I’d expect from you,” Killua says, before laughing when Leorio shakes in his anger enough to make the drink spill from the teacup. “Careful there, wouldn’t want to break Gon’s gift for you.”

“And you’re still as irritating as I remember you being,” Leorio says with gritted teeth, one eye twitching in his annoyance.

“Killua,” Gon reprimands, frowning as he nudges Killua’s knee with his own. “Be nice.”

“It’s so boring that I can’t help it,” Killua retorts. He leans back into the couch with a huff, looking put out at the lack of anything to do- until Leorio sets his teacup full of cold chocolate drink in front of him with a weary sigh. Killua perks up instantly, a pleased gleam in his eyes as he takes the cup into his hands. “But I guess I can be a little nicer, just for the chocolate drink,” he hums, smiling as he takes a slow sip from his cup.

“Have you been keeping an eye on him, Gon?” Leorio asks just as he sits down on the other end of the couch, Gon wisely sitting in between him and Killua to keep either of them from getting rowdy with each other.

“I’ve been trying to,” Gon says, frowning as he gets his own cup and slumps back into the couch. “Killua is really hard to sway when it comes to chocolate.”

“ _You_ ,” Killua says as soon as he’s done licking away the drops of chocolate on his lips, pointing an accusatory finger at Leorio at the same time, “need to stop giving Gon ideas. Chocolate isn’t even that bad!”

“I’m a _doctor,_ ” Leorio says, the pride clear in his tone and grin as he straightens up as a response to Killua’s finger-pointing. “And I know the human body best, kid. Hell, I don’t even _need_ to be a doctor to tell you that an excessive amount of chocolate is bad for your body!”

“It’s _my_ body and I’ll do what I want with it!” Killua snarls back as he sets his cup down on the table, eyes flashing with his anger when he glares at Leorio.

Leorio would glare back but he stifles the urge. It’s a struggle to not succumb to his anger, but he has to for the sake of being a mature adult. “I’m just worried about you. I _know_ what you’ve been through,” he says before Killua can says anything in protest, “but that doesn’t change how I feel about this. It’s bad enough that you were put through all of that shitty training when you were younger, Killua. I don’t want you worsening your condition anymore.” He stands up and Killua automatically looks up at him, his eyes narrowed in suspicion as Leorio plops himself right next to him on the couch.

“Gon and I know, even if you don’t tell us, that the chocolate was a way to cope. Right?” he asks, settling a hand on Killua’s head and gently ruffling his hair. Killua’s eyes widen at his words and he swiftly looks down, though that only proves the truth of his statement. Leorio smiles softly, the affection that had been sleeping in his chest waking instantly at the sight of Killua trying to hide how he’s feeling. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” he says, gently petting white hair. “You had no choice. But you have us now, right? We can cook up other yummy food for you.” Then he grins and ruffles Killua’s hair a little harder, making him yelp in complaint at the treatment. He says, just as he removes his hand from Killua’s hair, “Don’t look so down, kiddo. We’re just looking out for you, y’know?”

There’s a pause for breath, long and deep enough to make Killua’s chest heave with the action, before he says hesitantly, “…yeah, I know.” He sighs, rubbing at his eyes with one hand. “You guys are worried about nothing, honestly.”

“It’s not nothing,” Gon speaks up, the firmness in his tone telling of his stubborn nature. He reaches out a hand to hold onto Killua’s, having already set his own cup down a few minutes ago, his touch firm but still gentle as he smiles at Killua like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. Leorio wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case, though he refrains from saying anything that will ruin the moment. “So long as it’s about you, then it’s important.” Then he smiles. “Because you’re important to us, Killua.”

“Geez, you-”

“You _are_ important,” Leorio agrees, grinning when Killua instantly turns to look up at him at his interruption. Killua’s expression screams of disbelief as soon as he digests the meaning of Leorio’s words, clearly still not used to the idea of having friends that are concerned about him in the way that he and Gon are. Leorio adds, urged on by Killua’s apparent surprise, “We argue a lot, but that doesn’t mean I care about you any less. It’s the same with Gon.” His grin softens into a smile when he looks up to see Gon smiling back at him. “It’s a good thing you have us to be worried about you, huh?” he asks while looking back down at Killua, who flushes once the attention is put back on him.

“ _Urgh!_ ” Killua groans, trying to shake off Gon’s hand, only to fail when Gon squeezes his hand in his grasp. “What the hell did you guys drink that made you both so _sappy?_ ” He cries, looking flustered as he wrinkles his nose in distaste at Gon’s unyielding hold. “I just said that I wasn’t going to give up on chocolate!”

“Hey, why are you ruining the moment?” Leorio asks, the play at annoyance not quite working out when he grins at Killua’s show of embarrassment. “Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten that you cried over our photos?”

“Shut up!” Killua snarls, the flush of red reaching up to the tips of his ears as he smacks hand over Leorio’s arm.

“Don’t be mean, Killua,” Gon tuts, grinning as he twines his fingers around Killua’s. “There’s nothing wrong with being sentimental every once in a while!”

“Don’t group me with you two!” Killua spits out. Still, he squeezes his hand down on Gon’s fingers over his without complaint. Leorio notices but doesn’t say anything about it, not wanting to see Gon’s stern gaze being directed at him again.

“Aw, don’t be like that,” he says with a cheeky grin as he raises a hand to ruffle white hair. “Didn’t you know that being a sentimental kind of guy adds to your appeal to the ladies?”

“I don’t care what the ladies think!” Killua snaps, looking a cross of angry and embarrassed as he swats away Leorio’s hand over his head.

Leorio barely manages to hold in a snort of laughter at that. “I guessed as much.”

Somehow, someway, Killua manages to go redder in the face once he realizes just what it is Leorio means to imply. “Wh- that- that’s _not_ what I meant!”

“ _Sure_ it isn’t.”

“You-!”

 _Thump_.

The sound of stomping feet resounds in the room as Killua leaves, leaving a groaning Leorio and an exasperated Gon in his wake.

“At least it was just a pillow?” Gon says to Leorio with a sheepish smile. He pats Leorio on the arm to try and soothe him, watching with a sheepish smile when Leorio continues to rub at the portion of his face that had been smacked with a couch pillow.

Leorio sighs, his tone tinged with weariness as he turns to his head to look at the door through which Killua left. Propping his chin on his closed fist, he says, “Sometimes I wonder why I care so much about that brat.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, onii-chan.”

“Onii-” Killua repeats incredulously as he turns around, only to bite his tongue when he sees the little girl standing before him with wide brown eyes. ”Uh.”

“Hi!” She chirps, perfectly fine with talking to a stranger as she waves her free hand at him. Her occupied hand is holding up a stuffed cat to her chest, the plush clearly loved with how ragged it looks from being hugged too much and too often. “Why are you alone, onii-chan?”

“Um. Just busy thinking about things, I guess,” he offers as an answer. He crouches down to her height so she won’t have to crane her head up to look at him and offers her a hesitant smile. Much as he’d like to ignore this kid, he’d been told to play nice by both Gon and Leorio when talked to by the people in his hometown. While that wouldn’t stop him before, the local grapevine of Leorio’s hometown is pretty strong- which isn’t that odd considering how small the community is. He’d prefer not to have Gon angry at him just because he made a little girl cry.

“Sad things?” she says, fluttering long-lashed eyelids at him. “You were frowning.”

“Erm.” He clears his throat, scratching at his cheek guiltily when he realizes how obvious he was- and to a _child_ , even. “Maybe? I’m not really sure.”

“Tell me?” she offers, grinning wide as she hefts her stuffed cat closer to her chest. “Mama says I’m very good at listening!”

“I’m sure she does,” he says, laughing awkwardly as he stands up again. “You probably won’t understand my problems, though.”

“Try anyway, onii-chan!” And she pumps a fist, her expression a determined one, so similar to Gon’s whenever he’s being stubborn that Killua bursts into a laugh.

“Heh. Where _is_ your mom, anyway?” He asks, stepping away from her to take a seat on the second step to Leorio’s apartment/clinic. She follows after him without hesitation, her smile unwavering as she plops on the first step a little bit to his right.

“She’s meeting the doctor!” She exclaims, before stretching out her arm and pointing to Leorio’s door. “In _there_. She’s sick, but the doctor says she’ll be okay. Isn’t that great?”

He smiles in amusement at her question. “Yeah, it is.” He leans forward out of habit, propping both of his arms over his knees and clasping his hands together. “So your mom left you alone outside?” he asks.

“Mm! She said it’d be better if I played out here, because I might bother the doctor if I went.” She makes a face as though remembering something bad. “It smells weird in the clinic too, so I don’t like to go inside.”

“That’s probably because the doctor makes sure it’s really clean,” he tells her.

“I don’t like it,” she huffs, all while folding her arms over her chest. “Smells weird.”

He grins at that. He can just imagine the offended look on Leorio’s face when he hears those words from a kid. “Yeah, I know.”

“Oh! But onii-chan!” The little girl suddenly exclaims, frowning at him with furrowed brows. “You didn’t tell me your problem.”

He chokes back a laugh at her disappointed expression. “I don’t think it’s the sort of problem kids like you are used to.”

She holds up a clenched fist, the determined gleam back in her eyes as she says, “Try anyway, onii-chan!”

He doesn’t hold back a laugh at that. She’s pretty amusing for a little kid, and surprisingly nice compared to the others he’s had to deal with while staying at Leorio’s. “Fine, fine. You’re pretty stubborn; sort of like someone I know.”

“Really?” She blinks her eyes at him in surprise. “Are they nice?”

“Yeah. Energetic too,” he says. He directs an amused smile her way. “A lot like you, huh?”

“Do you like them?”

“Uh.” He blinks at the question. He frowns a bit once he remembers that it’s the question he’s been worrying about since earlier, right before this little girl snapped him out of his contemplation.

He sighs as he settles for the simpler answer. The main problem was the depth of his feelings and not if he truly _liked_ Gon, anyway. “…yeah, I do.”

She beams instantly at him. “That’s great! So that means you like me too, right?”

He stifles a snort of laughter at that. “I don’t really know you well enough for that.”

“But you said that I’m like the person you like!”

“That doesn’t mean you’re exactly the same, though,” he explains as he straightens up and sticks both of his hands back into his pockets. “Like how he’s a guy, and he’s my age. You’re a girl, and you’re younger than me by a few years. There’s a lot of things that I don’t know about you too.”

“I could tell you what you don’t know, though?” she says, pouting as she raises her stuffed cat up until it’s covering the lower half of her face. “Then you can like me too!”

“You’re a persistent kid, huh.”

“It’s one of my good points!” She says with a vigorous nod.

Killua barely manages to hold back a snort at her excitement. “Yeah, I can tell.”

“Does your problem have something to do with that person?” she asks this time, smiling cutely at him when he gapes at her in surprise.

“How-” he blinks multiple times in succession as he tries to grasp how she _guessed correctly_ in one try. He coughs, before trying again in a less bewildered way, “What made you say that?”

She shrugs, before lowering her plush toy to her lap. “I just guessed. Since you were looking weird before, when I asked you if you liked them.”

“…oh.” He sighs, ruffling his hair in annoyance at his own failure to remember that little detail. “You’re right.”

She grins widely at that, though the grin is all too quickly replaced with a confused frown. “Do you not like them anymore?”

“What? Oh, no,” he says, waving a hand in dismissal at the idea. “That’s not it. I was just,” he trails off, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees again, “wondering if I was wrong, I guess. If I didn’t really like them as much as I thought I did.”

“So you might not like them anymore?” she asks, frowning still as she clutches her stuffed cat close to her chest, almost like _she_ were the one being told that she’s not liked anymore.

“I still like them,” he says, before biting his lip as he pauses in thought. “But I’m not sure if I love them romantically.” He snickers when he sees the confused look on the little girl’s face. “It’s when you want to date someone. Kiss them, hold their hand and stuff like that.”

“Ohh! I know that! I see that in the dramas on TV all the time!” She pipes up, looking proud at having understood what he means. Then she blinks, frowns to herself as though thinking about it, before saying, “Is it bad if you don’t love them romantically?”

“Well… _no_ , not really. I just thought that I did, but now I’m…I don’t think I’m sure about it anymore.” He sighs, scratches his head with a burst of energy like it’ll help him figure things out even though it won’t. “I was sure that I loved them a lot, but I got to thinking if I wanted to do that sort of thing with them. Kissing…and other things,” he says. It’s something else entirely to tell a little girl about those sorts of things, compared to telling his best friend of the same age. “I’m pretty happy as I am, just being with them, but is that how it should be? I thought that, when I realized that I loved him, I’d want to do that sort of thing- but I _don’t_.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that?” she tells him, cocking her head to one side with an innocent look so familiar to him that he can’t help from smiling a bit. “The important thing is that you love them! It doesn’t really matter if you don’t want to kiss them, right?”

He blinks, digesting the words of wisdom that had come so easily to the little girl. Then he laughs, because it’s _true._ He’d made things too complicated, thinking that maybe he was wrong after all about what he felt, that he was weird for loving Gon so much without feeling the need to do that sort of thing with him, but…that didn’t really matter in the end, did it?

What matters is that he loves Gon, and that he’s happy being with him. That’s all.

(And it isn’t even like he doesn’t really _want_ to. He just…doesn’t feel the need for that sort of thing. Not yet.)

“You’re pretty smart for your age,” he tells her as he reaches out to pat her head. She beams instantly at the touch and nuzzles into his palm, making him laugh at how the action reminds him of Alluka. “Your mom must be proud.”

“Yeah!”

“Killua?”

They both look up at the new voice, Killua instantly relaxing once he sees that it’s just Gon. “Am I allowed inside now?” he asks, raising an eyebrow when Gon smiles at him like he just said something funny. “What?”

“Nothing! I’m just glad you made a new friend,” Gon says, giggling a bit  as he steps down the stairs to sit beside him. “Hi!” he greets almost familiarly, grinning as he waves a hand at the little girl that Killua was talking to.

The girl blinks at him, before turning her gaze back to Killua as though asking, “Is this person safe to talk to?”

Killua laughs at the look with an accidental snort; how could he _not,_ when _he_ was the former assassin and Gon was just a kid from an island in the middle of the ocean? He nods after a while of laughing, taking in a deep breath as he wipes away the tears brimming in his eyes and ignores the funny look Gon sends his way.

The girl perks up nigh instantly and she grins up at Gon, before saying, “Since onii-chan likes you, I like you too!”

Killua turns his face instantly at that, covering his face- almost _slapping_ himself with the quickness of it-  with one hand before Gon can even try to get a peek of the expression on his face teeming with guilt. He doesn’t even get the chance to see Gon’s reaction to her words, though that isn’t as important as hiding his embarrassing expression is.

Forget being confused about his feelings; the real problem is how he’ll not _die_ of embarrassment if he ever finds the courage to tell Gon how he feels about him.


	8. beside you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) and [kiruazoldycks](http://kiruazoldycks.tumblr.com) for putting up with me and helping me make sure this fic wasn't a complete mess! You guys are hella awesome <3
> 
> Chapter title is based on Marianas Trench's song, [Beside You.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojP7QzIw3Uc)
> 
> Prompts:  
> 36\. Ow! What'd you do that for--?  
> 37\. She'd always wondered what she would find under there.  
> 38\. They've already said they're sorry, what more do you want?  
> 39\. We are definitely going to talk about this tomorrow.  
> 40\. I'm really not supposed to tell you this...

Killua knows that he should get used to this. To comfort, Gon’s warmth so close to his, and these urges- the urge to speak up, to reach out and clutch onto what was important to him- that he can’t control; he knows but he still isn’t used to it, because he didn’t think that such a huge change would ever come in his life.

He didn’t think that Gon could change so many things for him, but here he is. And here Gon is, beside him, looking perfectly fine with not sleeping as he looks at Killua like he’s something nice to stare at.

“Hey, Gon,” he murmurs, staring back, not as embarrassed as he would be at being subjected to Gon’s intense gaze. It’s not that he’s gotten used to it (how could he, when just noticing the stare makes him feel warm all over?), but because there are other _important_ things on his mind. Things that Palm would like him to confess to Gon, because she thinks that he needs to know. Because he _does_ need to know, but Killua has always been too scared to confess those things to him.

“Yeah?” Gon murmurs back, voice equally soft as he blinks and smiles at Killua.

“There’s,” and he stops, lowering his gaze for only a second when he finds his voice caught up in his throat. He clenches his fists under the sheets, not letting Gon see the movement as he looks up at him again. “I need to tell you something.”

Gon’s eyes widen and Killua swallows, watching as the surprised look on his face gradually changes into an attentive one. “Mm?” Gon asks, shifting so that he’s curled up on the bed. “What is it?”

“Remember when you had a date with Palm?” he begins, trying not to waver as he nervously clenches and unclenches his fist over the hem of his shorts.

Gon blinks. Then he smiles, like he’s amused at the sudden reminder of it. “Yeah, I do,” he says, before tilting his head as though telling Killua to continue with what he’s saying.

“I followed the two of you,” he says in one breath, staring into Gon’s eyes still. Gon opens his mouth to say something but Killua shakes his head, not letting him talk as he adds, “I was worried. You didn’t have your nen- and I know that it’s still bad, but…I couldn’t leave you alone.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for deciding to do that on my own, without letting you know,” he says, feeling his hands grow cold as he comes a little closer to spilling just what it was that he was trying to keep hidden for so long. “But I thought that I did the right thing. There was one chimera ant- the one with the rabbit ears- who would’ve gotten to you if I didn’t intervene.” He quietly sucks in a breath when Gon’s eyes dim with anger, but goes on to say, “It was the reason I came back looking like I did.”

“So you lied,” Gon says, face devoid of any clear emotion as he keeps on staring at Killua like he can find answers just from searching his eyes. He probably could, if Killua let him. “You weren’t training. You got _hurt_ because you were trying to protect me.”

“I found out that aniki- that Illumi put a needle in me to control me,” he says instead of confirming Gon’s words. He looks down when Gon frowns, clenching his fist tighter over his shorts as he struggles to keep his heart calm. “It explained why I always ran away, why I did so many stupid things that almost put you in danger. I found out, and I removed it,” he says, breathes out as he chances a peek at the look on Gon’s face. He feels himself twitch when he sees Gon furrowing his eyebrows at him.

“The needle was why I almost decided to leave you,” he admits. It feels a little like free-falling when he lets those words escape him, both liberating and nerve-wracking because he doesn’t know if he’ll fall safely. He bites the inside of his cheek when he sees Gon’s eyes widen in surprise at his words. He runs on his momentary high, preventing himself from thinking of what Gon’s gaze on him could mean when he says, “I didn’t think that I could stay by your side when I knew that I’d just- that I’d put you in danger, because I was still _weak_ , because I couldn’t even keep myself from running away that time.”

“Killua…”

“I’m not done,” he forces out, frowning when Gon blinks at him in surprise. “There was another time- do you remember? When I called you to ask for money?”

Gon’s eyes narrow in confusion at the seemingly irrelevant question. “I…yeah, I think I do? But what does that have to do with anything?”

“I just recovered in a hospital,” he confesses. “That time, when I called you to ask for money- I asked because I had to pay the hospital bill.”

For a moment, it feels like time has stopped. The expression on Gon’s face becomes unreadable and he feels his heart thump a little louder in his chest from trepidation at how angry Gon must be. But he keeps on talking, the words spilling from his mouth without pause; almost like a dam had broken within him in one fell swoop, the cracks that had collected over time finally giving in to the pressure coming from the inside.

“I was ambushed after having warned some of the citizens,” he says, forcing his gaze to stay on Gon the whole time he speaks. “I was led into a trap, and I almost… I almost _died_ from blood loss,” he croaks out, only just managing to keep himself from getting choked up. Because he had almost died and he’d barely done anything for Gon- _hell_ , he’d barely even done anything useful when he had stayed by his side. “But Ikalgo saved me. He brought me to an underground hospital and I healed there,” he trails off, taking a moment to catch his breath, “…it was why I couldn’t contact you for a while.”

It is silent when he finishes speaking. Gon doesn’t say anything for a while and neither does he, far too stuck on the idea that Gon might not want to even speak to him anymore. After everything he’d just confessed to, after keeping so many secrets from him and deciding on things for him as though he had the right; why _wouldn’t_ Gon get angry at him? And Palm had known before him, had known everything there was to know about what he did and what he couldn’t do because she was there and she was open and she cared so much that he couldn’t hide anything from her.

It was so easy telling her everything because he wasn’t scared that he’d turn her away. She’d already seen him at his worst; what else was there for him to fear?

He lowers his gaze for a moment, covering his face with one hand in a discreet move to wipe away the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He’s so zoned in on that one movement that he almost jolts when Gon sits up and he looks up, peeking through cold and pallid fingers as he watches Gon watching him.

He sits up when Gon doesn’t say anything after a few seconds of staring, thinking that it’d be best to be level with each other while they’re talking. The blanket pools around his waist and he clenches his fists over them, waiting for the oncoming anger with a resigned sort of acceptance.

_Smack._

He wasn’t expecting to be hit over the head, though.

“ _Ow!_   What did you do that for-”

He cuts himself off with a gasp, staring with wide eyes at the ceiling when he suddenly finds himself in Gon’s arms. He lets out a breath once he realizes just what it is that’s happening, blinking his wide eyes closed as he slowly- _gradually-_ relaxes into the hold. “Gon..?”

“You _idiot,_ ” he hears Gon say into his shoulder, the words sending vibrations into his skin as he speaks. “You complete _idiot._ ” His arms tighten around Killua’s shoulders with every word and Killua feels a tremor run up his spine, making tears form in the corners of his eyes when he figures out how to call the feeling Gon’s embrace provides. It’s reassuring and comforting, almost like Gon is telling him that he won’t ever let go because he’s still _needed._ Because he is, isn’t he? He’s never really been useless in the first place.

(He’d only thought that he was, because he could never think of himself being enough. Of being good enough, or helpful enough, because he couldn’t even _help_ Gon when he needed Killua the most.)

“Why am I an idiot?” He ventures to ask, laughing softly as he buries his face into Gon’s shoulder. There’s an amused smile on his face when he pulls away from him and it fades as quickly as it appears, replaced by a stunned expression when he sees that Gon is crying- no, scratch that- _bawling_. “Wh- why are you crying?”

“You could have died, Killua!” Gon yells, looking a mess as he sniffles and wipes furiously at the tears that continue to flow down his cheeks. “You could have died and I wouldn’t have even known. I- I just- that’s _stupid!_

He sputters in surprise at the insult. “S-stupid-”

“Stupid!” Gon repeats angrily, his cheeks growing a noticeable pink from how fervently he’s wiping at his tears. “You’re stupid, Killua!”

“Why are you calling me stupid!”

“Because you are!” Gon retorts childishly. He bows his head and Killua instinctively looks down, only recently noticing how bad Gon’s fists are shaking over his lap. His heart stutters in its beating and he gapes, feeling his own clenched fists loosen from the shock of how shaken Gon looks. “You’re so stupid, Killua. You should’ve told me. You should stop,” and he pauses, hiccupping a bit, “stop deciding things on your own!”

Killua swallows and the guilt wells up in his stomach, lead-heavy and painful as he looks at Gon’s trembling form. “I’m sorry,” he says, hoping that it’s enough as he hesitantly opens his arms up to him. The sigh that leaves him is a relieved one when Gon slumps into his hold, what heaviness he had in his chest fading slowly but surely as he wraps his arms around him in a secure embrace. He presses his lips onto black hair like a kiss and wishes that Gon won’t know what it means; he doesn’t want to ruin everything just yet. “I’m so sorry, Gon,” he whispers again, letting himself cry when he feels Gon’s shaking subside within his embrace. “I’m sorry I only told you now.”

“I’m still angry,” Gon replies and his voice is raspy, broken from crying so hard that Killua feels his chest tighten in a painful way. The clenching feeling doesn’t fade even when he feels Gon’s arms wrapping tightly around his waist, his actions completely opposing his words as he holds onto Killua like he’s some sort of lifeline. “I’m your best friend, Killua. You shouldn’t- hic- have to hide those sorts of things from me.”

“I know,” he whispers back, closing his eyes as he breathes in to settle himself a bit. “I’m sorry, Gon.”

“…then.” Gon sniffles as he pulls away and wipes the tears from his eyes. He holds out his pinky once he deems himself presentable enough, his expression stern as he stares at Killua. Killua blinks down at the pinky because he doesn’t expect it, before turning his gaze up to Gon’s face in question. Gon says, his tone firm and accepting no excuses, “Promise me that you won’t keep something like that secret again.”

He wipes away the tears from his eyes and squints at Gon’s hand, trying to gauge Gon’s seriousness in making such a pact using a childish method. He ends up sighing when Gon doesn’t waver, though he curls his own pinky around Gon’s anyway. “Fine,” he says, glancing down at their fingers for a second before turning his gaze back up to Gon. “I promise.”

Then Gon chants, “Pinky swear made-”

“ _Gon_ , are you seriously doing this-”

“-whoever breaks their promise has to swallow a thousand needles. Sealed with a-”

“ _Gon-_ ”

“-kiss!”

“Ugh,” Killua groans, covering his face with his free hand as Gon presses their thumbs together while making a ridiculously drawn-out kissing sound. “That’s enough,” he grumbles while shaking his hand free from Gon’s grasp. He scrunches his nose at Gon when Gon only offers a grin in response, as though acting out such a childish pinky swear isn’t embarrassing at his age. “Can’t you just do it the normal way? Without the kiss?”

“That isn’t even a real kiss, though,” Gon says, like _that_ was the problem. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s embarrassing!” Killua exclaims in a huff as he flops back onto the bed, stretching his arms up as a show of disbelief at Gon’s cluelessness. “I know that you don’t really care, but do I _really_ have to do that sort of thing too whenever we make promises with each other?”

“But we’ve already kissed once,” Gon mumbles with a frown. Killua flushes red instantly at the reminder and gawps at Gon because how- just _how_ can a person be so damn _shameless_ like this? There has to be some sort of limit!

“That is _not_ the point!” Killua hisses, the urge to turn away strong enough that he does it without complaint. He stiffens when Gon props his chin over his arm. “What are you doing?” he asks with a frown, trying his best to not let Gon notice how affected he is by their current proximity.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Killua,” Gon hums, smiling as he gently pets his hair like he’s some sort of cat that needs to be soothed. “It’s just a kiss.”

“ _Just a kiss_ ,” he repeats under his breath in a mocking tone, before squeaking in surprise when Gon pokes him in the side. “Gon, what the hell?!”

“You looked like you were gonna be sad about it.” He smiles as he pats Killua’s waist and Killua struggles- he truly, _truly_ does- not to throttle him for being so touchy-feely in all the wrong places. “I said that it was just a kiss, but that doesn’t mean that I think first kisses aren’t important.”

“Did I _ask_ what you thought about it?” Killua says in a drawl, the annoyance dripping from every spoken syllable. He squints when all Gon offers as a response is a cheeky grin, before sighing in that exasperated way he does when he’s too tired to deal with him. “Just go to sleep, Gon.”

“…there’s nothing else, right?”

He blinks at the odd question. “Nothing else of what?”

Gon stares at him, searching his face again for the truth even when he hasn’t offered an answer yet. “You’re not keeping any other secrets, are you?”

“Ah.” He feels his heart skip at the reminder of another secret. Still, he shrugs, pulling off a casual air as he says, “Nah, there’s nothing else.”

Gon keeps staring at him like he’s _lying_ , and he swallows. He can’t be _that_ obvious, can he? “Really?” Gon asks again.

“Really,” he insists, before turning his back to Gon again and tugging up the sheets over his body. “Good night, Gon,” he says in the firmest tone he can muster. That should be enough to convince Gon that the conversation is over, at least.

Gon giggles. Killua rolls his eyes at the sound but doesn’t say anything about it. “Good night, Killua,” Gon murmurs softly; there’s the rustle of the bed sheet when he moves and Killua relaxes, breathing out slowly as he closes his eyes. He didn’t think that it would go that easily, but he’s not going to complain about it.

All too suddenly, the calm pace of his heart goes back into overdrive when he feels Gon pressing warm lips to his cheek.

“Sweet dreams,” Gon murmurs, a hint of laughter in his tone as Killua feels him move away. At least, he’d _thought_ that Gon moved away, until he hears another whisper into his ear, “If you ever remember that you have another secret, you can just tell me, okay? I’m fine with waiting.”

Gon’s already on his half of the bed when his words finally sink in. _Shit_ , is the first thing Killua thinks, clenching his eyes tightly shut as he covers his face with both hands.

_He knows._

* * *

 

“What’s that?”

Killua blinks when Gon’s head pops into view from the doorway. “What’s what?” he asks back with a raised brow. That he can act so casually after what happened two nights ago is a bit surprising, though it’s probably just because Gon set his pace back to the one that Killua is used to.

Because going with Gon’s pace is all he can do for now, honestly. He’ll have to break free from it if he ever wants to confess his feelings to him.

“What’re you reading?” Gon asks again as he comes into the room, shutting the door behind him with a click. Killua ponders the pros and cons of letting Gon see the magazine, until he finally comes to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be that bad if Gon saw. They’re both already seventeen; it’s impossible that Gon wouldn’t have seen these sorts of magazines before.

He tilts his head to let Gon have a peek over his shoulder. He laughs when the first thing Gon does is instantly back away, before sputtering out, “Wh- where did you get _that?_ ”

“It was hidden under the mattress,” he says, grinning as he turns around until he’s fully facing Gon. He waves the magazine in his hand around and stifles a loud laugh when Gon squawks in dismay at him. “Why are you acting like you’re innocent about this sort of stuff?”

“That’s because I don’t _look_ at that sort of thing!” Gon says, before reaching out to try and swipe the magazine from him. He swiftly hides his hand behind his back before Gon can even try, offering up a grin when Gon frowns at him. Gon asks, “Why are you acting so differently from when we were roomed next to the people having sex, anyway?”

He stiffens at the reminder. “Wh- that- that’s something else entirely!”

Gon’s frown deepens and he cocks his head to one side, putting his fist over his lips in thought. “Just because there were sounds? But you suggested we watch porn before, didn’t you?”

“I have my reasons!” He huffs, before dropping the porn magazine on his lap. Then, he asks, “Why are _you_ acting flustered about it when you were the one who asked the couple to quiet down in their room?”

“It’s not like I saw any of them _naked_ ,” Gon retorts while folding his arms over his chest. “Aren’t _you_ the weird one for getting flustered over the sounds?”

Killua gawps and blushes at the insinuation. “That’s not-”

“You’re such a pervert, Killua,” Gon interrupts with a sly grin, the teasing tone crystal clear in his voice as he finally swipes the magazine away from him. “What do you get from reading this sort of stuff, anyway?” Gon asks as he skims through the magazine, making a face with every flip of a page. He sighs once he finishes flipping through it, before going to one end of the bed and pulling the mattress up to set the magazine back where it came from.

“…you’re seriously not interested in that sort of thing?” Killua asks, watching Gon with a curious look as he sits on the end of the bed where he’d just put the magazine down. He’s not that interested either considering how he’d only gotten into porn in the first place because of his curiosity as a kid, though Gon doesn’t know that. That he kept the charade of being interested up was more for the sake of keeping one thing about himself normal- as far as kids watching porn was considered normal, anyway.

“I’m not,” Gon answers with a shake of his head. “And it feels rude to look at that sort of thing, I guess.”

Killua laughs at Gon’s honesty. “You would think that.”

“Why do _you_ look at that sort of thing, then?” Gon asks while squinting at him. “You didn’t even look like you were interested in it either, Killua. Actually, when I think about it…you looked _bored._ ”

He stares dumbly at Gon’s brilliant observational skills.

Tick.

Tock.

“I was right!” Gon crows with a clenched fist when Killua doesn’t reply.

“It’s an issue I’ve read before,” he says as an excuse with his arms folded over his chest, his hidden hand discreetly pinching at his side as he berates himself internally for _not replying quickly enough._

“Liar,” Gon hums, grinning as he rocks in place with both hands over his ankles. “There isn’t anything wrong with not liking that sort of thing, you know. That doesn’t make you weird.”

“Says the guy who went on dates with older women when he was twelve,” Killua retorts lamely, making a face when Gon just laughs at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with that either, I think.”

“Your sense of what is normal is wonky as hell, Gon,” he sighs with a shake of his head.

“Then I guess I’m weird,” Gon muses, pressing his index finger to his chin thoughtfully as he tilts his head from one side to another. “That must be why we get along so well, ne? We’re both pretty weird.” Then he grins, the look mildly intimidating when he leans forward into Killua’s space. “And if we’re both weird, then I guess it’s okay. Right?”

“…I honestly don’t understand you.”

Gon giggles. “You always say that, Killua.”

“Because I always mean it.”

“Mmhmm,” Gon hums, looking distracted as he leans back and away from him. Killua sighs in relief at having some of his space to himself again, though he adopts an inquisitive look when Gon continues to look contemplative for a minute longer.

“What is it?” he asks, because he can’t help his curiosity.

“I just remembered about that time when you said you’d never gone on a date before,” Gon says, head cocked to one side as he looks at him. “And I was thinking we could go on one, maybe. A real full-course date, since you seem to think that going out to eat isn’t date-y enough...”

Tick.

To-

He bursts into a laugh and Gon leans back instinctively, looking bewildered as he watches Killua laughing at him. “What’s so funny?”

“That’s because those aren’t _dates._ I’ve seen you on one, and,” he hesitates, before continuing after a sigh, “I guess I’ve been on one before, once. Just eating out doesn’t really feel at all like a date when we do it all the time.”

He makes something like a squawking sound when Gon gets in his face in a blink of an eye. “Wh-what?“ he squeaks, shoulders bunching up in apprehension when Gon narrows his eyes at him.

“You’ve been on a _date?_ You said-”

“It was when we weren’t together,” he explains, before making a small surprised sound when Gon leans closer into his space. “G-Gon, that’s a bit too close-”

“With _who?_ ”

“Palm, alright!” He yells, all tension and bafflement as he stares at Gon with wide eyes. There’s a glimpse of something dark in Gon’s eyes at the sound of Palm’s name but it disappears before Killua can make sense of it, lightning-quick in its departure that Killua has to settle for believing that it was just a trick of the light. He asks, “Why are you being so weird about this?! It’s just a date!”

“But I wanted to go on a date with you too,” Gon groans, looking a perfect picture of disappointment with his slumped shoulders and deep frown. “That’s so _unfair._ ”

Killua rolls his eyes at the childish whining. “You’ve been on plenty of dates before, Gon. How is that unfair?”

“It’s unfair because I wanted to go on one with you!” Gon says while straightening up, the unhappy look on his face making it look like he’s asking for Killua to understand his distress at the situation. Killua rolls his eyes because he honestly _can’t_. What was there to be sad about, anyway?

“You know, I’ve been noticing something,” he says, frowning as he reaches out to roughly ruffle Gon’s hair. Gon yelps a bit at the rough treatment but doesn’t outwardly complain about it. (He looks almost _happy_ just from the touch, though in a pouty way.) Killua says once he’s pulled his hand back, “You’ve been acting awfully spoiled, Gon. Why is that?”

Gon blinks at the question. He fixes his hair up again after having it messed with as he says, “Spoiled? How?”

“You didn’t act like this before, when we were still together.”

“…I don’t get it.”

“ _This?_ ” he says as he gestures to the whole of him, though that…doesn’t really explain anything. He sighs in exasperation. “You wouldn’t usually whine just because I got to do something without you.” Then he frowns, putting his fist to his chin as he thinks. “…wait.”

Gon laughs at the befuddled look on his face. “Re-thinking what you just said, Killua?”

“Shut up,” Killua huffs, pink dusting his cheeks as he frowns in thought. “You weren’t _this_ whiny, were you?”

Gon shrugs.

Killua curses at his own confusion. “Damn it. But,” and he gasps, brightening up in realization, “but you _weren’t_ like this about Palm before! I’m definitely sure of that.”

“ _You_ didn’t even like her before!” Gon whines.

“That’s because she was creepy and she wanted to hurt me! But after everything that happened,” he trails off for a bit to scratch at his cheek, “it’s sort of inevitable that we’d become friends, right?”

“You went on a _date._ ”

“As friends!” Killua immediately retorts. “Besides, I couldn’t do the things that you did before.”

Gon blinks in confusion. “What things?”

“You know? You planned some stuff out, you got her something, that sort of thing,” he says while waving his hand to emphasize “that sort of thing”. “I just went with what she wanted, and she taught me what a proper date would be like.”

Gon pouts the instant he says “taught”. “I could’ve done that for you too.”

“There’s nothing stopping you from doing it too, you know,” Killua says with a blank stare, though he quickly regrets those words when Gon grins widely at him. He says in one breath, “But that’s gonna be boring, so let’s not do that.”

“We’re definitely gonna do it!” Gon says, looking absolutely determined as he leans into Killua’s space again. “I’ll take you on a date and teach you all sorts of things!”

“A-ah,” Killua squeaks as he leans back, the smile on his face a nervous one while he tries to keep himself up with both of his hands flat on the bed. “I don’t think-”

“Mm?” Gon hums, the sparkle in his eyes making Killua feel guilty for even trying to say no.

He sighs as he buries his face into his open palms. “ _Fine,_ ” he moans into his hands, letting his shoulders slump in defeat at his inevitable loss against Gon’s determination.

He’s not even surprised when Gon wraps both arms around him for a hug, and all while giving a victory yell. Honestly.

When is he _ever_ going to learn to say no to this guy?

 

* * *

 

In retrospect, Gon should have expected that this sort of thing would happen. Leorio had already admitted it to him before, how he was irritated at Kurapika’s tendency to not contact him whenever he’s travelling; he just didn’t _think_ that it would become something like this the moment they all finally reunited.

He’s coming pretty close to giving up when Leorio huffs out, “Is this seriously all he’s going to say after being away for _months_?”

Killua, on the other side of the room with Kurapika, looks just as close to giving up when he gives Gon an exasperated look. From beside him, Kurapika says with folded arms and an upturned chin, “I don’t see what the problem is. Leorio should know, out of everyone, why I don’t stay in one place.”

“I know that!” Leorio says while turning to face him, his clenched fist shaking as he sucks in a deep breath. “But you could’ve at least called!”

Kurapika turns around at that, an eyebrow raised as he regards Leorio. “Is that really the only problem you have with me?”

Leorio sputters at the question. Gon and Killua bow their heads and sigh simultaneously in realization.

_Bull’s-eye._

“It’s not, is it?” Kurapika continues, eyes narrowing as he cocks his head at Leorio’s sputtering. “It’s not just the calls. You could deal with those before.”

“That doesn’t mean that I’m _fine_ with my calls being ignored!”

Kurapika sighs. “I know, Leorio.”

Killua shakes his head in disbelief. “Kurapika already said sorry, Liorio- (“Stop deliberately messing up my name, brat!”) –what more do you even want?”

“…nothing.” Leorio huffs quietly, folding both his arms over his chest as he turns his gaze away from all of them. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

Gon hides a smile when he sees the stern look on Kurapika’s face softening into an affectionate one. Kurapika says after a moment of silence, “I’m guessing you missed me a lot, then?”

“That’s a given!” Leorio snaps, looking a cross of embarrassed and angry as he turns to glare weakly at Kurapika. “Of course I missed you! Why would I call you if I didn’t?”

Kurapika laughs good-naturedly and the angry look on Leorio’s face melts into something…something _warm_ , though Gon can’t quite find a word to describe it. Killua probably could, if Gon asked him to find a word for it. It’s definitely something nice, and Gon can tell that Leorio likes that Kurapika is laughing.

“It’s cute how you’re embarrassed but you can still say that sort of thing,” Kurapika says, a hand half-covering his mouth as he stifles his laughter.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re still a real piece of work, Kurapika,” Leorio says with a roll of his eyes. “Are you done laughing?”

Kurapika coughs and clears his throat, before saying with a calmer tone, “Yes, I am. I’m honestly sorry that I couldn’t visit as often.”

“I know,” Leorio says with a resigned sigh, lowering his arms to slide both of his hands in his pockets. “It’s not like you can help it, what with work and all. But you’re having fun along the way, right?”

Kurapika smiles and Gon can’t help from smiling too, liking the difference of this Kurapika from the one that was far too serious just earlier. He nods and says, “I am. Oh,” he blinks, remembering something, “Melody sends her regards, by the way. She’s glad that you finally get to work as a doctor like you’ve always wanted.”

Leorio grins at that. “Tell her that I said thanks when you go back. You should definitely bring her over the next time you come here, got that? And try to _call_ every once in a while.”

“Yes, yes,” Kurapika says with a soft exhale. “I’ll tell her that when I go back to work and,” then he smiles, an eyebrow raised as he regards Leorio, “I’ll try to reply when you text.” He glances over at Killua and Killua blinks, looking like a cat caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to do. Kurapika rolls his eyes at the look but smiles all the same. “Have you and Gon been here for a while?” he asks, following after Leorio as he heads for the couch.

“It hasn’t been that long,” Killua answers with a shrug. “It’s barely been a week, I think? Right, Gon?”

“Mmhmm!” Gon replies as he flops on the couch. He grins when Killua takes the space beside him. “It’s great that you got here while we were still here, Kurapika!”

“It’s good that I have great timing, then,” he says as he sits by Killua’s side, before making to stand up when he sees Leorio heading for the kitchen. “Leorio, do you-”

“Just sit down and relax,” Leorio cuts him off, waving a hand in dismissal at Kurapika’s offer as he opens his cupboard to look for the tea set Gon bought for him. “You only just got here, you shouldn’t be doing anything.”

“If you’re sure,” Kurapika hesitantly concedes as he sits back down.

“Definitely sure. Just catch up with Killua and Gon; I’ve already been told a couple of their stories before you got here.” Then Leorio grins, assuring Kurapika without words that he’s definitely fine, before swiftly going back to preparing their drinks with a happy hum.

“Leorio’s really happy that you came to visit, ne?” Gon says as an observation, his voice soft enough that Leorio doesn’t hear him when he says as much.

“He has a funny way of showing it,” Kurapika muses, discreetly glancing behind him at Leorio’s busy figure. “But I can’t really complain,” he mumbles, smiling softly as he turns his gaze away from the kitchen. “He’s done a lot for me, and he’s never asked for anything in return.”

“That’s what friends are for, though,” Killua says, grinning when Kurapika turns to look at him. “You don’t ask for anything when you help a friend.”

Kurapika laughs softly at the notion. “I suppose that’s true.” He sits back into the couch, not looking any less prim and proper when he does so that Gon can’t help from admiring him. He smiles as he turns to look at both Gon and Killua. “So? What have the two of you been up to?”

“We’ve been doing a lot of things,” Gon hums, tapping at his chin as he looks up at the ceiling in thought. “Oh!” He exclaims, grinning as he turns to look back at Kurapika. “We went back to Dolle Harbor and celebrated Killua’s birthday there. It was really nice!”

“He offered himself up as a slave as a present,” Killua deadpans.

“That’s…interesting,” Kurapika says, an eyebrow raised as he looks from Killua to Gon. “You couldn’t find anything else to give to Killua, Gon?”

“I offered myself up first,” Gon says, looking completely serious even as Kurapika and Killua give him similarly incredulous looks. “But he didn’t like that, so I just suggested that I could do anything he wanted.”

Kurapika looks a little like he’s trying not to laugh when he says, “And? What did he make you do?”

“Really boring stuff!” Gon complains instantly. “He made me do his chores and buy him chocolates- that was it! He didn’t make me do anything special!”

“What else did you even expect me to ask you to do?” Killua asks in exasperation.

“You could’ve asked for something I usually wouldn’t do! Like,” his sentence trailing into a hum as he thinks. He thumps his fist over his open palm with a gasp when he figures it out and says, “Like give you a massage, or something!”

“You _know_ how to give a massage?” Killua asks incredulously, blinking wide eyes at Gon like he’s seeing him in a new light. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Gon says with an enthusiastic nod. “I was taught how to by some of the women that I dated before.”

Killua squints at him at the mention of ‘women’. “...that’s really suspicious, Gon.”

“What? Why?”

Kurapika coughs and they both turn to him in question. Kurapika says, a fist covering his mouth, “They didn’t teach you anything…untoward, did they?”

“Eh? What do you mean?”

“Sex, Gon,” Killua blurts out. He bites the inside of his cheek when Gon gawps at him. “That’s a no, then?”

“Why would they teach me about that sort of thing?” Gon says, sounding almost offended for the women he dated when he stares wide-eyed at Killua. “That would be illegal!”

“That doesn’t stop some people,” Kurapika says somberly.

“Mmhmm,” Killua hums in agreement, before squinting at Gon. “Would you have even known enough about sex to know if that was what they were doing to you?”

“I’m not that stupid, Killua!” Gon exclaims with a frown. “Of course I know what it means to have sex!”

“Oi! What the hell are you kids talking about over there?” Leorio asks and they all turn around, watching him as he comes back to them with a tray filled with cups, one teapot, and one pitcher.

“We’re asking Gon if he was taught how to have sex by the women he dated before,” Killua answers for them. He laughs when Leorio makes a loud squawk-like sound in surprise.

Leorio sets the tray down on the coffee table before he can accidentally drop it out of shock at the information he was just given. “What the hell kind of topic is that?!” he cries, looking scandalized as he sits beside Kurapika. “And you’ve _dated_ before?”

Gon blinks at him, looking almost surprised as he says, “I didn’t tell you?”

“You didn’t tell me!” Leorio yells, flabbergasted. “What did you- _How_ did you even get dates?”

Gon cocks his head to one side at the odd question. “Women asked me to go on dates with them..?”

“Argh! A kid can get dates and _I_ can’t?!” Leorio complains, scratching furiously at his hair as he leans over to prop his elbows over his knees. “That’s so damn frustrating!”

“It’s probably because you look like a geezer,” Killua supplies as an explanation, grinning when Leorio instantly whips his head around to glare at him. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s someone out there who likes their men old.”

“Don’t mess with me, Killua,” Leorio warns while pointing a finger at him. “I’ll get a date someday!” Then he huffs, done with arguing about it as he busies himself with pouring their drinks for them.

“I’m sure you will, Leorio,” Kurapika hums, smiling when Leorio blinks wide eyes at him in surprise. He doesn’t say anything for a while and Leorio huffs out a soft laugh under his breath, probably thinking that that was all Kurapika wanted to say. He lets Leorio thinks so, quietly watching him as he finishes pouring their drinks, until he says, “You’re kind, and you care a lot. I’m sure there’s someone who’ll realize that too and fall in love with you.”

A light pink dusts Leorio’s cheeks when he looks up at Kurapika. He looks like a goldfish with how he’s opening and closing his mouth without speaking any words, though Kurapika refrains from telling him that. Eventually, Leorio manages to say, “Th-that’s…”

“Hm?” Kurapika hums, leaning forward to get his cup of tea from the table. “What?”

“…thanks, I guess,” Leorio mumbles, looking away from the three of them as he takes his own cup of tea. He sips loudly from his cup and both Killua and Gon snicker, which is apparently enough to garner more of Leorio’s embarrassment. “D-don’t laugh at me, damn it!”

Kurapika laughs and Leorio turns a little redder, though he looks like he’s distracting himself from it when he stands up to ruffle both of Gon and Killua’s hair.

 _For people who haven’t seen each other in such a long time_ , Kurapika thinks while hiding his smile behind a fist, _it certainly doesn’t feel like it._

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Leorio?”

Leorio looks up from his book when he feels his table shift from Gon’s weight. “Don’t do that,” he says with a sigh as he pushes his table back to its original position, before giving Gon a questioning look. “But what’s up?”

“W _ell_ ,” Gon says, drawing out the ‘e’ while taking the seat right in front of Leorio’s table. “Do you know any good places I can take Killua to?”

“Hm? You kids usually prefer finding them on your own,” Leorio says, raising an eyebrow as he closes his book and sets it down on his table. “But, hmm,” he hums, putting his closed hand to his chin in thought, “I guess I know a couple of places. It’ll be a long journey, but there’s a couple of waterfalls around these parts that you guys could have some fun in.”

“No, no,” Gon whines a bit while stretching both of his arms on top of Leorio’s table. “That’d be fun some other time, but I need good places for a date!”

Leorio blinks at him.

Then blinks again.

After three blinks, he says hesitantly, “Did you just say _date?_ ”

“Yeah!” he exclaims with a grin, raising both arms in his excitement.

“Holy _crap._ Did he finally-?” Leorio gestures vaguely with a hand-wave. Gon shakes his head and he frowns, setting his hand back down while he asks, “Then why are the two of you going on a date?”

“It’s practice for him, I guess,” Gon says, frowning thoughtfully as he folds his arms over his chest. “He’s never been on a proper date before, and I want to take him on one!”

Leorio sighs at his explanation. “Are you absolutely _sure_ that that’s a good idea? Don’t you think that’s a bit…” and he makes a face, squinting a bit as his shoulders raise with his open palms, “not good? Wait.” He frowns as he takes a moment to think. “He said _yes_ to that?”

“Mmhm!” Gon nods cheerfully, not one bit swayed by Leorio’s show of disapproval. “And it would be bad if I didn’t like him like that- but I do, so it should be okay!” He grins toothily and Leorio sighs again, exasperation written all over his face as he rubs at his temple.

“Your logic is definitely something else, Gon,” Leorio says. The frown when he says so easily fades into an amused smile; it’s not like he isn’t used to Gon coming up with such ridiculous kinds of ideas, anyway. “Well,” he says while folding his arms over his chest, “there isn’t anything fancy here. You’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, that’s okay! So long as Killua has fun, I don’t care where we go,” Gon readily says, earning a short bark of laughter from Leorio. Gon frowns when Leorio covers his face to keep himself from laughing too hard. “What’s so funny?”

“The fact that I _know_ that you can say that sort of thing to his face,” Leorio answers, smiling still as he lowers his hand from his face. “It’s a wonder how he hasn’t imploded from embarrassment yet.”

“I’m just being honest, though,” Gon says, leaning back into his chair as he frowns. “I don’t see anything funny about that.”

“That you’re honest isn’t funny,” Leorio says to soothe him. “Killua being embarrassed about how honest you are is funny.”

Gon laughs at that. “That’s mean, Leorio.”

“As if you don’t say that sort of thing on purpose,” Leorio says in a teasing tone, to which Gon grins. “Anyway,” he says while leaning back into his seat, his arms back to being crossed over his chest as he closes his eyes in contemplation. “There’s a small eatery close by you can check out with delicious food, and a park, I guess? Though you probably already checked that out with him.”

“Mm, we did,” Gon says with a nod.

“There’s that,” Leorio says with two fingers out, his other index finger tapping idly at them. “You really don’t want to check out the waterfalls?”

“We’ll have fun there,” Gon says with a little pout, “but that would make it seem like every other time we hang out. I want it to be something different, so Killua can _really_ tell that it’s a date.”

Leorio smiles in amusement at that. “Heh, alright. Anything else,” he hums thoughtfully, using his two fingers to tap idly at his table. “Someone recently opened up a small café, so you can check that out if you want. They have some delicious cakes from what I heard. Ah! And there’s an abandoned lot right around the block where they put up a tarpaulin for a makeshift movie screen. It’s one of those ideal places if you really want to let him feel the date vibes, y’know,” Leorio says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively all the while.

“That’s perfect!” Gon exclaims, clapping his hands once in excitement. “It’s definitely not like anything we’ve done before. Thanks, Leorio!”

“Psh, you don’t have to thank me for that sort of thing.”

“What are the two of you talking about?”

Gon and Leorio turn to the door at that, eyes wide until they realize that it’s just Kurapika. Kurapika smiles hesitantly at their simultaneous sighs of relief. “What?” he asks as he leaves the door open behind him.

“Where’s Killua?” Gon asks, peeking squinty-eyed at the space behind Kurapika.

“Still outside,” Kurapika answers, his plastic bag full of new clothes swinging slightly around his wrist. “He was taken hostage by the kids from earlier.”

Leorio huffs out a laugh at that. “Seems like they’ve taken a liking to him, huh.”

“I repeat my question,” Kurapika says, eyeing both Gon and Leorio askance, “what were the two of you talking about before I got here?”

“Oh, that?” Gon says, smiling as he relaxes back into his seat. “I was asking Leorio about good places where I could take Killua to.”

Kurapika raises an eyebrow at those words, confused as Leorio was at the notion of Gon asking about good places when he could just explore Leorio’s hometown himself. “Really?”

“Mmhmm! I want to take Killua out on a date, so I have to make sure I’ve got stuff planned out.”

Kurapika blinks. Then blinks again. “…did you just say date?”

Gon and Leorio laugh at the bemused expression on Kurapika’s face.

“I asked the same thing,” Leorio in response to Kurapika’s questioning look. “And I made that same expression.” He grins when Kurapika blinks in understanding. “Still, it’s surprising, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Kurapika agrees with a nod, before turning to look at Gon with a raised brow. “Killua said yes?”

Gon throws his arms back with a groan. “Why do you both sound skeptical about Killua saying yes?” he whines.

“It’s probably because I can’t imagine how Killua would be like on a date,” Kurapika explains with an amused smile. “Why did you ask him, anyway?”

“Because I like him,” Gon confesses easily. Kurapika’s eyes widen at the admission and Gon adds, “You’d want to go on a date with the person you like, right?”

“That’s true,” Kurapika says with a slow nod, voice trailing off into silence. “I didn’t think you’d actually do anything about it, though.” He smiles when Gon blinks in bemusement at his words. “I’d assumed that you would be fine with staying with him as you are, which is why I didn’t ask. I hadn’t thought that you’d actively pursue him like you’re doing now.”

“I don’t really want to keep quiet about that sort of thing,” Gon muses with his arms folded over his chest and his head cocked to one side. “It would be sad to not say what I feel, right?”

“Other people would prefer not to change the status quo, though,” Kurapika says.

“Eh?” Gon makes a face in his confusion. “Just because I like him doesn’t have to mean that things will change.”

“They sort of have to,” Leorio pipes up, arms folded over his table as he leans into it. “Friendship is different from being in a romantic relationship, after all.”

“I think we could have both,” Gon says, smiling when Leorio and Kurapika look at him with similarly surprised expressions. “It’s not impossible, right? Just because I like him as more than a friend doesn’t have to mean that he can’t be my best friend anymore.”

Leorio frowns as he moves his arm up to prop his chin on his fist. “I guess that’s true…”

Kurapika, with his knuckles pressed to his lips in thought, eventually nods in agreement. He says while looking to Gon with a soft smile, “I suppose I’ve just gotten used to the idea of things changing completely when one enters another kind of relationship.”

Gon grins.

_Creak._

“Why did you leave me alone to handle those kids?” Killua groans as soon as he steps into the room, looking annoyed as he shuts the door behind him with a click. He looks ready to complain some more until he looks up to the sight of his friends turning their shifty-eyed gazes away; he frowns when he realizes that they’re all avoiding looking at _him_. “…what?”

“It’s nothing,” Kurapika says with a small smile, before turning to head for red door leading to their bedrooms. “I’m going to change,” he explains quickly just before he shuts the door behind him.

“I’m gonna go tell Aliya to head home, it’s already getting late,” Leorio says as he abruptly stands up from his chair, looking almost nervous when he heads out of the room for the receptionist’s table.

Killua raises an eyebrow when Gon laughs nervously instead of providing an answer to Killua’s question. Gon says, stretching his arms out while faking a yawn, “Mm, we should probably go to bed, don’t you think?”

Killua stares some more but all Gon offers is a smile; he’s already too used to this to be easily affected by Killua’s intimidating stare. Killua sighs in resignation and scratches at the back of his head when he figures that Gon won’t tell him what he’s hiding. “Fine, don’t tell me.”

Gon sighs in relief and Killua immediately looks up, making Gon squeak in surprise when he glares at him. “But we _will_ talk about this tomorrow. Got that?”

“Okay, okay,” Gon says, lips pursed as he watches Killua heading for their room. He’ll have to lie for a bit if Killua remembers about this tomorrow, but it’ll be worth it…maybe.

(It shouldn’t be long before there’s one less secret between the two of them, anyway.)

 

* * *

 

“That movie was lame.”

“You enjoyed making fun of it, though,” Gon says, watching Killua as he walks on ahead of him. He grins as he jogs to catch up to him, slowing down in his pace as soon as he’s by Killua’s side. “Hey, Killua,” he says, waiting for Killua to turn to him, before holding out his open hand with a wide smile.

Killua eyes the hand with a hesitant look. “I know that you’re teaching me what to do on a date, but do we really have to do this? Wasn’t what we did before enough?”

Gon makes a face at the reply but doesn’t let up on offering his hand. “We’re on a date! Just because we already held hands before doesn’t mean that we have to stop now.”

“ _Ugh_ , you’re so annoying,” Killua grumbles, ruffling his hair with one hand as he sighs in exasperation. His hand nearest to Gon darts out to take the hand held out to him and Gon grins, though Killua can’t see that when he turns his head away. “Are we going back now?” he asks.

“Nope,” Gon says, lips making a popping sound with the ‘p’. He swings their arms together and Killua rolls his eyes, trying to play the annoyed person even as he smiles a tiny smile and squeezes Gon’s hand in his. Gon smiles because he can’t help it; he’s happy that Killua is happy, though he’d like it better if Killua didn’t have to hide that happiness. “We still have to eat dinner outside,” he says in a pleased hum.

“Dinner, huh,” Killua says, a hint of pink slowly painting itself on his cheeks when Gon carefully slips his fingers between the spaces of Killua’s own. Killua doesn’t do anything else to stop him so Gon keeps at it, squeezing Killua’s hand in his as they walk. “There’s nothing fancy around here, though,” he says after a moment of silence, his lip trembling almost unnoticeably when Gon uses his thumb to trace small circles over Killua’s own. Gon is a bit more thankful for his eyesight in that moment, though he’s sure Killua would smack him if he admitted to such a thing.

“It doesn’t have to be fancy for it to be a date,” Gon says knowledgeably, smiling as he walks a little bit ahead of Killua to lead him to the eatery that Leorio had pointed out to him before. “So long as you’re with me and we’re having fun, anywhere is fine.”

“Is there no _end_ to your embarrassing lines?” Killua says in a grumble, the blush a bit more noticeable now as he looks at Gon like he’s just done something unbelievable.

“I’m just being honest,” Gon huffs. He walks into the open-air restaurant with Killua in tow, squeezing Killua’s hand in his a little tighter as a reminder that he won’t let go even when they head to the shop counter.

Predictably enough, Killua starts discreetly tugging at Gon’s hand when he won’t let go. “C-can’t we stop for now?” He hisses under his breath, pressing close to Gon so that their joined hands aren’t as visible to other people. “This is seriously embarrassing, Gon!”

“We’re on a date,” Gon repeats, turning to give Killua a stern look when he doesn’t cease in his tugging. Killua visibly swallows at the look, becoming quiet as he squeezes Gon’s hand hard in retaliation. “Killua,” Gon says, the look on his face softening when Killua hesitantly turns his gaze back to him. He loosens his hold and Killua blinks, though he doesn’t pull his hand away from Gon’s just yet. “Is it embarrassing because it’s me?” he asks.

“…no, that’s not it,” Killua murmurs, shifting his gaze from side to side as though checking for on-lookers. He turns his gaze back to Gon eventually, worrying his lower lip every once in a while with his teeth before he mumbles, “It just feels weird, doing this with you in public. Aren’t _you_ embarrassed?”

“Not at all,” Gon replies instantly, grinning when Killua blinks wide eyes in surprise at the answer. “I don’t mind if people see.”

“You’re so weird,” Killua mutters, squeezing Gon’s hand in his as he nudges him to get into the line. Gon grins at the unsaid acceptance of the hand-holding, before turning his gaze up to the menu written on the hanging blackboards.

“What do you want, Killua?” Gon asks, nudging his shoulder against Killua’s.

“Anything sweet should be good,” Killua hums, squinting at the menu. “Hey, mister,” he calls to one of the less busy people behind the counter, “is there anything sweet on the menu that you’d recommend?”

The man called out perks up at being asked, instantly offering up a smile as he says, “I’d personally recommend the Beef Misono. It’s sweet but not too sweet, and it’ll definitely fill you up. Would you like to order that?”

Killua grins, satisfied with the recommendation. “Yeah, that’d be great.” Then he turns to Gon, raising an eyebrow in question when he sees that he’s still squinting at the menu. “Found anything?”

“Ehh, no. None of the food sounds familiar.” He sighs in disappointment, though a grin swiftly replaces the disappointed look on his face when he turns to the man that Killua had just talked to. He says, “I’ll have what he’s having!”

“Coming right up!”

They move when the line moves, eventually getting to the cashier at the same time as the man sets their orders on the counter. “That’d be 248 Jenny,” the cashier says with a smile.

“I’ll pay,” Gon says instantly, releasing Killua’s hand from his hold as he gets his wallet from his pocket. He pays before Killua can complain, though Killua retaliates by taking the tray for him and heading for a corner of the eatery that’s a little less crowded.

“You didn’t have to pay for us both,” Killua says as soon as they’re seated, a frown on his face as he takes his plate and Gon’s off of the tray to set them down on the table.

“I’m the one taking you out, though,” Gon replies, raising an eyebrow as he sets the tray aside. “It’s not really a _rule_ , but…it’s the thing to do.”

“Fine then,” Killua grumbles as he gets his spoon and fork from the tray. “ _I’ll_ be the one paying the next time we go out.”

Gon brightens up instantly at that. “Okay!”

Killua stares mid-bite, until he flushes pink in realization at what he just implied. Gon stifles a laugh as he takes a bite from his food, not wanting to embarrass Killua and _definitely_ not wanting to dissuade him from the idea of a second date.

It’s silent for a bit as they eat, until Gon attempts to slide a foot forward into Killua’s space. He smiles when Killua gives him a look.

“Are you seriously trying to do this?” Killua asks.

Gon blinks, putting on an innocent expression as he nudges his foot against Killua’s. “Doing what?” he asks back, before taking another bite from his food.

“This,” Killua says while catching Gon’s foot in between his legs before he can try to pull away. Gon makes a face when he tries and fails to tug his foot away. “Really?”

“Don’t be such a spoilsport, Killua,” Gon whines after swallowing a big bite of his food.

“I don’t remember this being a requirement when you date,” Killua points out, raising an eyebrow as he takes another bite from his food.

“It’s not, but I thought it’d be fun.” Gon pouts, before sliding his foot up and out of the space between Killua’s knees. “Then…how about holding hands while we eat?”

“Too troublesome,” Killua says instantly in the middle of chewing on his food.

Gon sighs loudly. “Fine,” he mumbles, pouting as he cleans up half of his plate of food.

“Honestly, Gon, the movie was enough of a date,” Killua says, an amused look on his face as he cleans up half of his own plate. He swallows, before saying, “You don’t have to keep up the romantic vibe.”

“The date isn’t over until we go back to Leorio’s,” Gon retorts. He pauses for a moment, seemingly in thought, before sighing and going back to eating. He takes a couple of bites, finishing off a little more from his plate before he says, “But I guess there doesn’t have to be a romantic vibe. So long as we’re both having fun, then that’s fine, right?”

Killua stares at him for a bit before bursting into giggles. “Y-yeah, of course. You’re right.”

“What?” Gon asks with a frown. He looks down at himself then back at Killua, tilting his head in confusion when Killua stifles his laughter with his hand. “ _What?_ ”

“D-don’t move,” Killua says, smiling as he leans over the table with one hand reaching out to Gon’s face. He picks something off (a piece of the beef, still wet with sauce) from a higher part of his cheek, before popping it into his mouth with another giggle. “That’s so typical, Gon.”

“It’s not my fault that I couldn’t see that,” he grumbles while wiping at his face with one of the tissues that came with their order.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Killua says in a soothing tone, grinning when Gon squints at him. “Come on,” he says with a hint of laugh in his voice, collecting the rice from his plate until it’s all in one corner. “Let’s finish this so we can get back sooner.”

“ _Fine,_ ” Gon huffs. He cleans up his plate with ease and so does Killua, the two of them already used to eating quickly that it doesn’t pose much of a problem.

“We’re going back, right?” Killua asks while wiping at his mouth with a tissue.

“We could stargaze before we go back, if you want,” Gon offers.

“Hah, no way. It’d be better to do that sort of thing at Whale Island instead of here,” Killua says a laugh and a dismissive wave of his hand. They both stand up and Gon offers his hand again, though Killua takes his hand without much complaint this time. Gon smiles widely at that, even when Killua turns his head out of embarrassment again.

 _(Baby steps,_ he thinks to himself.)

“There isn’t much we can do here,” he says as he fits his fingers in between Killua’s, letting Killua take the lead as they head away out of the restaurant. “I could have taken you to somewhere pretty if we were in Whale Island.”

“I’m sure you would have,” Killua replies, raising an eyebrow as he smiles softly at him. Gon’s heart thumps a little louder at that and he grins, squeezing Killua’s hand in his as he walks right by his side. “You’ve taught me a lot, surprisingly,” Killua hums as he looks up at the night sky. “Though I don’t think I’ll use that sort of information much.”

“Why not?”

Killua smiles at him like he’s just asked something odd. “Because I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone? It sounds like a hassle with everything you taught me.”

“Ehh.” Gon frowns. “Does that mean I made you not want to go on dates?”

“It’s not your fault,” Killua says, shifting his hold on Gon’s hand until their palms are flat against each other and their wrists are touching with every forward movement. He’s blushing a little less now, though Gon thinks he can feel the hints of a quick pulse under his palm. Killua adds, “I just don’t feel like it much. I mean, I have to make small talk, then I have to hold hands with my date…I’d prefer hanging out with you, honestly.”

Gon giggles at the admission and Killua rolls his eyes. “I’m fine with that,” Gon says, grinning as he nudges his shoulder against Killua’s.

“You would be,” Killua says, smiling as he nudges Gon right back. “You probably just want to keep me to yourself,” he teases, glancing back at Gon with a raised brow and a smirk, before turning his gaze back to the road- clearly not expecting Gon to reply at all. Because it’s a joke, and Killua doesn’t mean it, but…

Some jokes are half-meant, aren’t they?

“Maybe I do,” Gon says, briefly squeezing Killua’s hand in his. He’s looking at the path leading to Leorio’s home when Killua turns to look at him, his eyes probably wide with disbelief at what he just heard. He turns to look at Killua and Killua blinks, then he says, “You’re my best friend, Killua. And I told you that I want to travel the world with you, remember?” He smiles when Killua frowns like he’s trying to recall those words from his memory. “It’s a given that I’d want you to stay with me than go on dates with other people.”

Killua stares at him for a bit, before bursting into a laugh when the meaning of his words sink in. “That’s so selfish,” Killua says with a shake of his head, probably in disbelief at his audacity to say such a thing. “But it’s so _you,_ ” he says while turning to him. He smiles in amusement. “You _do_ know that thinking like that isn’t good, right?”

Gon blinks. “Why?”

Killua sighs at the question. “Because you can’t just keep me forever, obviously.”

Gon frowns at the very notion. “Why not?”

Killua stares at him like he just murdered something, which is the weirdest look so far that Gon has gotten from him in a while. Killua says, “You honestly believe that you’ll get to keep me forever? Like I’m…some sort of _thing?_ ”

“ _What?_ No!” He stops walking, having already seen that they’re right by the stairs leading up to Leorio’s house. He’s frowning when he says, “That’s not what I meant!”

“Gon,” Killua says, the tone of his voice sounding oddly similar to Mito-san’s whenever she’s trying to explain something difficult to him, “that’s exactly what you meant. I mean, you made it sound like I can’t even have friends outside of you.”

Gon puts on a bewildered look at that, because it’s _not true._ He’s selfish, he knows as much, and he loves Killua enough that he’ll feel jealousy at the reminder that he’s been on a date with someone that isn’t _him_ before- but he wouldn’t go so far as to keep him like he’s some sort of possession. “That’s not true!” he yells, the words coming out childish even when he means so much more.

Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s adamant tone. He sighs, tugging his hand out of Gon’s as he heads up the stairs. “Fine, fine. Whatever you say, Gon.”

“That’s not what I meant, Killua,” Gon says, the words coming out a whine even when he doesn’t want them to. He follows after Killua to the front door and his steps are loud, so much louder than Killua’s dead silent footfalls. “And we’re still not done!” he adds before Killua can open the door.

“We’re _not?_ ” Killua asks just as he pulls the key out of his pocket, turning his wide-eyed gaze to Gon in disbelief. “What else is there?”

“Well,” Gon trails off, frowning as he puts his closed hand to his chin, “I guess it doesn’t make sense, since we’re staying in the same place. But a good date usually ends with a goodbye kiss?”

“G-goodbye kiss,” Killua repeats, staring at him like his skin just turned a weird color. “If you did this every time-”

“A kiss on the cheek works!” Gon quickly interrupts before Killua can say anything weird. “That’s what they always did! I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips for that sort of thing.”

“…really?”

Gon nods. “I’m reserving that sort of thing for someone I like,” he says, sincere as ever as he smiles at Killua.

Killua blinks at the honest response. “Huh.” He frowns, looking as though he’s contemplating it as he turns his gaze back to the door. Gon notices how Killua doesn’t mention their first kiss but doesn’t say anything about it, thinking that maybe he’s keeping quiet for a good reason.

He smiles when Killua looks back up at him. “You don’t mind that I’m doing it?” Killua asks.

Gon laughs at the question, not being able to help it since he’d thought that Killua would ask something else. “Of course not. I wouldn’t have asked if I minded, right?”

Killua frowns like he just realized as much. “You’ve got a point,” he says, before turning his attention back to the door and unlocking it. Gon feels himself visibly deflate when Killua pushes the door open without saying anything else, his actions saying something a lot like, “No way am I kissing you. I’ll just ignore what you just told me to let you save some of your dignity instead of rejecting you outright.”

He sighs and follows after Killua when he goes inside, gaze turned down to the floor lest Killua see how disappointed he was at the blatant rejection. He wasn’t even asking for anything big either. It was just a kiss on the cheek, so why..?

It’s probably why he doesn’t expect it when a rough hand grips at his collar and tugs him forward. It’s also definitely the reason why he doesn’t expect it when Killua kisses him, his lips warm and oddly soft against Gon’s own. _Warm and soft and perfect_ , Gon thinks again, trying his hardest not to blink- because he doesn’t want to forget how Killua looks when he kisses, his eyes clenched shut and his cheeks stained red because he’s never really kissed anyone before.

Killua’s breath on his lips is warm when he pulls away and he flushes, the embarrassment at being caught by surprise coming a little too late. “I’d say sorry for that, but I won’t,” Killua says when he releases Gon’s collar, smiling almost sadly as he slides his hand back to his pocket. The sudden release makes him stumble a bit but he manages to stand, though he can’t help from gaping dumbly at Killua when he takes a step back. “You wanted to reserve that for someone you like, right?”

_It’s you. It’s you, Killua._

“I- I-”

Killua cocks his head in question, waiting for Gon to say something.

_You don’t have to say sorry for that._

“That’s…I didn’t-”

Killua frowns when Gon still can’t form a proper sentence.

“Killua…”

He doesn’t expect Gon to start _crying._

“G-Gon?” Killua asks, an undertone of panic in his voice as he reaches out, before pulling his hands back for fear of making it worse. “Why are you crying?”

Gon sniffles as he wipes at his eyes. He didn’t think that he’d start crying either but he can’t help it; he didn’t think that it would happen like this, with Killua kissing him and looking like he’s expecting the rejection coming even without having to think about it _._  “Why did you,” he pauses to sniffle again, “kiss me?”

Killua blinks at the question. “Because…”

Gon frowns as he asks again, _firmer_ this time, “ _Why?_ ”

Killua flushes at his insistent tone. “Because I like you, obviously! Do I really have to say that for you to get it?! Why the hell else- _ngh?!”_ He grunts when he suddenly finds Gon in his arms, his face hidden as he pulls Killua into a tight embrace. He flushes at the proximity but remains worried all the same, raising both hands to awkwardly rub Gon’s back as he asks, “Gon? Why-”

“I like you too, Killua,” Gon says, voice wavering as he sniffles into the arms he has wrapped around Killua’s shoulders. “I like you _so much._ ”

“A-ah,” Killua says, breathing slowly as he tries to digest what was just said. He closes his eyes as he breathes out, his open palms on Gon’s back slowly clenching into tight fists over his shirt. “Do you?” he asks, sniffling as he hides his face in Gon’s shoulder.

Gon nods vigorously and Killua laughs, the sound coming out breathy as he cries into Gon’s shoulder. “I like you a whole lot,” Gon says, eyes clenched tightly shut as he sucks in a breath. “I love you.”

He feels the exact moment that Killua tenses in his arms. “Love-”

“ _I love you,_ ” he says again, wanting Killua to understand that he means it. “I love you, Killua.”

Killua starts to tremble in his arms and he holds on tighter, already expecting it when Killua says, “You can’t mean that.”

“I do.” He pulls away so he can get a good look of Killua’s face, wiping at his teary eyes before he says, “I mean it. I love you.” Then he grins, his hands reaching out to hold onto Killua’s own. They’re cold in his hands and they’d probably be shaking if Gon let them go, so he doesn’t. He says again, determined as ever, “I really, really love you, Killua.”

“You _can’t-_ ”

“I _can_ be sure of that,” Gon says, firmer this time. He squeezes Killua’s hands in his to try and reassure him, hoping to whatever god was out there that Killua would believe him. Because he does, he loves Killua so much and it _hurts_ to think that Killua can’t believe that. “Okay?” he says, smiling as he releases one of Killua’s hands to wipe away the tears in Killua’s eyes. “I’m really sure of this.” Then he grins, and says, “You know how stubborn I can be, right?”

“As if I could forget,” Killua says, gently pushing Gon’s hand away so he can rub the tears from his eyes. “It’s too late in the night for crying, you idiot,” he says, laughing and hiding his face in Gon’s shoulder when Gon takes him into another warm embrace.

“Sorry,” Gon says none too apologetically, grinning as he presses a kiss onto Killua’s temple. “We can cry in our room, if you want?”

“Dumbass,” Killua says, barely hiding a snort of laughter as he pushes away from Gon’s embrace. “We’re gonna look ridiculous in the morning if we keep this up.”

“So long as it’s with you, I don’t mind,” Gon says. He laughs when Killua rolls his eyes at him and he feels lighter, like the anxiety and the fear of rejection that had been hanging heavy in his chest had never been there before.

“I can’t believe you,” Killua says, smiling as he squeezes Gon’s hand in his.

Gon smiles widely back, because he thinks he’s just realized just what this smile means.

“You always say that,” he says, squeezing Killua’s hand right back.

It means _“I love you too.”_


	9. no parallels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for being an awesome friend and reading through all of this! Bless you, friend uwu
> 
> Chapter title is taken from Hands Like Houses' song, [No Parallels.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9XnrOad6mM)
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this one too! Thank you so much for supporting me through 9 chapters of this fic ;w; <3
> 
> Prompts:  
> 41\. That totally did not turn out the way I expected it to.  
> 42\. She couldn't figure it out no matter how many times she turned it around.  
> 43\. He asked you to keep an eye on this.  
> 44\. It wasn't a jet, it was a helicopter.  
> 45\. No, I said the thirty-fourth floor.

“Hey Palm!”

“ _Hello, Gon,_ ” says the voice on the other line, the smile more heard than seen as Gon listens to her voice. “ _It took you long enough to call me._ ”

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, barely managing to hide a grin. He bows his head, keeping the phone pressed close to his ear as he reaches out with his other hand to comb through white hair. Killua hums at the touch but doesn’t rouse, making it clear to Gon that it’s another one of _those_ days. He says into the phone, “I’ve been busy, sort of?”

“ _Killua has been keeping me up to date,_ ” she says and Gon pauses in the middle of carding through Killua’s soft hair, becoming a little more attentive as she goes on to say, “ _I know where you are and I_ know _that you aren’t busy._ ” She sighs, the sound coming out wistful enough that Gon can’t help a sheepish laugh. _“What happened, Gon? You were such a gentleman before.”_

 _“_ I’m really sorry, _”_ Gon says, pulling his hand away from Killua’s hair to scratch at his nose. “I was a bit,” and here he trails off, his gaze drawn to Killua as he shifts to lie on his side, “distracted.”

“ _’A bit’ is an understatement,_ ” she huffs. “ _Killua calls me more than you do now!_ ”

He frowns. “I noticed. What do the two of you even talk about, anyway?”

“ _That’s a secret,_ ” she answers, a hint of a giggle in her voice when she says so.

“What? That’s unfair,” he whines, voice almost rising in pitch until he remembers that Killua is still sleeping. He lowers his voice into a mutter as he says, “Why can you know but _I_ can’t?”

“ _Because I understand his situation better than you do.”_

He would have bristled at the notion if not for Killua sleepily wrapping an arm around his waist. He sighs and the irritation goes out with the breath of air, fading through his soft exhale as he gently pets Killua’s hair. “So it’s about something you’ve experienced before?” he settles for saying, biting back a smile when Killua makes a soft sound while nuzzling into his hip.

“…. _maybe._ ”

Gon hums as he thinks about it. Something that she’s experienced before that Killua is experiencing now but cannot share with Gon…

“Ah,” he says with a blink when he remembers his initial reason for calling Palm. “I almost forgot.”

“ _Forgot what?_ ”

“The reason for me calling,” Gon says, grinning as he runs his fingers through Killua’s soft white hair. Killua makes tiny satisfied sounds at the touch and Gon feels his heart clench, painfully so, though it isn’t for sad reasons now. His chest feels tight and it’s because he’s holding back, trying his hardest to be gentle as he toys with white locks.

They’re _dating_ now. Gon doesn’t have to hold back as much, Killua had said- though that’s probably because he doesn’t know just what it is Gon wants to do with him.

He wants so much _more_ than this. He wants to do so many things with Killua; he wants to do things that Killua would never do with anyone else and he wants to _see_ parts of Killua that only _he_ can see.

But he doesn’t want to scare Killua away.

“Killua and I are dating now,” Gon says in a happy hum.

Silence.

(In hindsight, he probably should have pulled his phone away before he could hear her reply.)

The silence goes on with every tick of a second, until-

“ _WHAT?!_ ”

He winces and immediately turns his head away from his phone. That was _loud._ He waits for a couple of seconds to be sure that Palm won’t scream his ear off again before pressing the phone back to his ear. “We’re dating,” he repeats, slowly this time.

“ _S-since when?_ ”

“It happened yesterday?” he says, looking up to the ceiling in thought. “Killua kissed me and told me that he liked me.” He looks down to the sight of pink-stained cheeks and he grins, covering his mouth before he can giggle when he realizes that Killua is awake enough to hear what he’s saying.

“ _That’s…_ ”

“Surprising, right?” He bites back a smile when Killua hugs him a little tighter, his arms squeezing around Gon’s hips in a light enough way that Gon could- if he didn’t know Killua was awake- attribute it to a dream. “I took him out on a date and I suggested he give me a kiss by the end of it. I didn’t think he’d actually do it.” He gently pets Killua’s hair, smiling softly when Killua buries his face into his hip in response. “It made me really happy.”

“ _…I see._ ” She sighs and Gon blinks, confused as to why the sound comes off almost…relieved. “ _I’m glad he finally told you._ ”

“Finally?” Gon parrots, his hand on Killua’s hair stilling in its motions as he turns all of his attention to his phone. “What do you mean?”

She giggles at his confusion and he frowns, though he doesn’t say anything in complaint. “ _I suppose I can tell you what the secret is, now.”_ She breathes out then grows silent, taking her time to tease him when she doesn’t say anything for a while; until, _“He’s been talking to me about you._ ”

Gon blinks.

“…eh?”

“ _All this time, we’ve been talking about you- his feelings for you, to be exact.”_

Gon feels his face grow warm at those words.

“Really?”

“ _Mmhmm. He probably wouldn’t have told you at all if I didn’t tell him that he had to._ ”

He feels the guilt before he can even identify it, sinking deep into the pit of his stomach as he breathes out. So all that time he felt jealous, all that time he kept wondering just what it was that Killua talked to her about that he couldn’t say to him…

That whole time, Killua was talking to her about _him_?

“I didn’t think…”

“ _You don’t think very much_ , _Gon,_ ” Palm says. He would pout but he laughs instead, knowing better than to argue with that. He owes her too much to get angry, anyway.

“That’s mean,” he says with a put-on pout, though he ends up smiling anyway. “How was I supposed to know that that was what the two of you were talking about?”

“ _You weren’t supposed to know; that’s the whole point._ ”

“I guess,” he says, voice trailing into silence while he turns his gaze back down to Killua. “I feel bad now, though.”

“ _Do you?_ ”

“Yeah,” he says, frowning as he lets his head loll forward into a bow again. “I’m sorry for ever doubting you, Palm.”

She huffs. “ _You should be. You owe me for this, honestly. It’s especially frustrating when Killua keeps doubting what I say about you too._ ”

He turns to look at Killua again at those words, a frown marring his lips when he fully digests what she means. Kind, caring Killua, who trusts his friends no matter what…Gon isn’t surprised that he doubts the possibility of Gon loving him back. It’s how he was shaped by his family, never to hope for the best but always to expect the worst in things.

Somehow, it makes him love Killua a little more. It’s like falling and he wonders if Killua felt the same when he realized it, how deep he’d already gotten when he fell in love with him.

“I’ll make sure to convince him of my feelings, then,” he assures Palm, smiling when she laughs good-naturedly at his promise.

“ _You better. Killua deserves to be happy._ ”

“I know.” He lays a gentle hand on Killua’s arm, idly tracing circles on pale skin as he breathes out slowly. He knows that Killua deserves to be happy, knows it best because Killua has done so much for him when all he’s been able to offer was a fleeting happiness born from finding a best friend. But he can do better now- he’s _sure_ he can, because there isn’t anyone or anything else in his way this time.

He’ll make Killua happy, no matter what.

“I’ll definitely make Killua happy,” he promises her. The determined expression he has when he says as much fades the moment he sees Killua blink one eye open, making way for a smile while he gives Killua’s arm a reassuring squeeze.

“S’too early for you to be talking on the phone,” Killua grumbles, looking sleep-worn as he sits up and rubs at his eyes. Gon grins and Killua squints at him, most likely wondering how he can be so cheery now after having cried his eyes out the night before.

_“Is Killua awake?”_

_“_ Mmhm, he just woke up. _”_ He grins when Killua raises an eyebrow at him. “Want to talk to him?”

“ _No, that’s alright. I still want you to tell me how everything happened. Killua won’t tell me everything if I ask him._ ”

“You talk like you weren’t the one I’ve been talking to all this time,” Killua says, chin on Gon’s shoulder as he speaks loudly enough for Palm to hear him. Gon shrugs his shoulder and Killua’s chin bounces with the motion; he giggles when Killua pulls away to frown at him.

“ _That doesn’t mean that he’ll tell me the important bits of the date,_ ” Palm retorts with a huff.

“Killua _would_ get embarrassed about telling you everything,” Gon agrees, grinning when Killua shoots a glare his way. The grin falters when he sees Killua cocking his head and squinting at him, replaced by a curious look when Killua leans in as though observing his face.

Killua kisses him before he can say anything.

“Wh-”

He’s also gone and out of the door before Gon can even ask him about it.

“ _Gon? What happened?_ ”

His face is hot with embarrassment when he turns his attention back to his phone. He knows that his cheeks are red even without using a mirror to check and he groans, just a bit, all while covering his face with his free hand.

He says, “I almost forgot that Killua can be a tease too.”

 

* * *

 

“…I don’t understand anything of what’s on this.”

“Hm.” Gon frowns, leaning over from Killua’s left as he stares at the map. “Maybe,” he says as he takes the map from him, before turning it over in his hold, “you have to flip it like this?”

Killua stares at the so-called map and frowns down at it, before turning to look at Gon with an unamused look. “It still doesn’t make sense, Gon.” He sighs and gets the map back from him before turning it over and to the right, flipping it in various ways as he tries to figure out what it means. “Do we seriously have to do this?”

“They like you, so you have to,” Gon points out, grinning when Killua makes a face at him. “It’d be bad if you made them sad, right?”

“I’m really starting to regret talking to any of them,” Killua mutters, looking annoyed as he squints at the map from up-close. “They’re not supposed to _like_ me.”

“But they do! Nothing you can do about that now, Killua,” Gon says with a pat to Killua’s back. He laughs when Killua squints askance at him. “Come on, let’s just try to figure it out. Maybe the number means we need to take that many steps?”

“I think we can assume that,” Killua says, frowning as he lowers the map to get a good look of the whole thing. “The x is the treasure, so the circles could be checkpoints that we need to go to before we get there.” The frown on his face deepens as he squints at the broken lines on the map. “But where is the _start?_ There are two lines-”

Gon blinks when Killua freezes where he is. “Killua..?”

“ _Damn it._ ”

“Eh?”

Gon stares when Killua starts laughing while shaking his head. “I got it,” Killua says, grinning as he wipes away the tears in the corners of his eyes from laughing too hard. “We’re supposed to _compete._ ”

“Ehh.” Gon leans into Killua’s space to check on the map again, glaring down at the paper. “Oh,” he says, blinking once he realizes that the two lines go in separate directions. His eyes grow wide once the fact sinks in and he exclaims, “Oh! That makes sense!”

“Right?” Killua smirks. He looks to the map again, tilting his head from one side to another as he analyzes the whole of it. “We have one problem, though.”

“What?”

Killua turns to him with an amused smile. “There’s only one map.”

Gon blinks. “…oh.” Then he frowns, folding one arm over his chest while propping his elbow on it to put his closed hand under his chin in thought. “What’re we gonna do?”

Killua sighs. He shakes his head, as though Gon had said something ridiculous- which he did _not._ He leans into Gon’s space as he holds up the map, and says, “I’ve already memorized this one,” while pointing to the longer line on the map heading right. “You can have the map.”

“Eh? But,” Gon frowns, accepting the map when Killua hands it over to him. “That’s unfair, right? And you picked the longer one…”

“That’s because I’m faster than you,” Killua says with a smug smirk. “It’s only fair to give you a handicap when you’re slow, isn’t it?”

“I’m not that slow!” Gon cries, looking angry as he clutches the badly drawn map close to his chest. “Take that back, Killua!”

“Hell no.” Killua laughs when Gon bristles. “Maybe if you win, I’ll take it back.”

“Fine!” Gon snaps, frowning as he looks down at the map while straightening it out. “If I win, you’ll _definitely_ take it back.” He pauses after saying so, looking as though he’s contemplating something, before he turns his head up to look at Killua again. Killua almost- _almost-_ backs away at the intensity of Gon’s stare. “Promise me, then!” he exclaims while holding out his pinky finger.

“Wh- _why?_ ” Killua asks, staring at the finger like it’s something disgusting. “Gon-”

“ _Killua._ ”

“Ugh.” Killua rolls his eyes in annoyance at Gon’s persistence. “This is just a treasure hunt; _why_ do you have to be so competitive?”

“Because you called me slow!”

“You _are_ slow!”

“No I’m not!” Gon yells, nose scrunching up in his annoyance as he shakes his pinky in Killua’s direction. “Promise me you’ll take it back if I win!”

“ _Fine_ , you stubborn idiot,” Killua huffs. He frowns as he curls his pinky around Gon’s, the look on his face gradually becoming similar to that of a person who has already given up fighting against what fate is throwing at him. His shoulders slump and he sighs, watching as Gon recites the chant he does whenever he makes a pinky promise with someone.

“Pinky swear made. Whoever breaks their promise has to swallow a thousand needles. Sealed with a-”

Chapped lips press against soft ones and Killua blinks, gaping at Gon as he pulls away with a grin.

“-kiss!” he exclaims, giggling as he slides his pinky finger away from Killua’s. He takes a moment to watch the hints of pink turning bright red by the second, the pretty color gradually spreading all over Killua’s face as Killua stares at him like he’s something surreal.

Somehow, Killua still manages to string words even with the embarrassment pooling red in his cheeks. “Why you-!”

He grits his teeth together when Gon runs away like hell is on his heels- _laughing_ the whole time- before he can finish.

_Damn it._

 

===

 

“Hey Killua!”

Killua groans when he sees Gon waving at him from the top of the lone jungle gym in the playground.He had given Gon a handicap _and_ he’d provoked him into doing better. What the hell else did he expect from someone as determined as Gon?

“Fine, you’re faster than I thought you’d be,” he grumbles, before pulling out the little cylindrical bits of something that he picked up from the checkpoints on the map. He shows it to the kids at the lower part of the jungle gym, who all lean over with awed looks on their faces. “What’s all this for, anyway?”

“They’re puzzle pieces!” exclaims Jenna, who is the oldest girl in the group, from the lowest part of the jungle gym. She grins up at him and he smiles back, before placing the pieces into her outstretched hands.

One of the boys beside Gon climbs down from the jungle gym to sit by the little girl’s side, before handing over some other pieces. “Here’s Gon-niichan’s,” he says as he places them in her hand.

“Puzzle pieces for some sort of key, I’m guessing,” Killua says. All of the kids instantly turn to look at him with wide-eyed admiration, and he grins. “It’s not that difficult to guess,” he says while slipping both of his hands into his pockets.

“Killua-niichan is really cool!”

“Yeah! And he memorized the map too!” Marie, the youngest, grins before pointing to Gon just as he climbs down the jungle gym. “Gon-niichan told us!”

“Heh. I’m pretty cool, aren’t I?” he says, grinning as he crouches down to her height. He lightly ruffles her hair and she giggles. “Gon got here before me, though,” he says while side-eyeing Gon, who only offers an amused smile in response.

She nods vigorously at his words and exclaims, “Gon-niichan is cool too!”

“I’m still cooler though. Right?”

She grins widely at that. “Yeah!”

“It’s rude to make them like you more, Killua,” Gon says, a smile on his face as he nudges Killua in the side with a foot.

Killua smirks. “Nothing you can do about it if it’s how things are.”

“Well, I don’t really mind,” Gon chirrups, smiling still as Killua stands to his full height. “So long as they don’t steal you from me, then it’s okay if they like you.”

“Shut up!” Killua barks instantly, cheeks pink with embarrassment as he punches Gon in the arm. “How can you even say that sort of thing with a straight face?”

“Ehh,” Gon whines, looking put-out at the idea as he rubs at his punched arm. “I don’t get why you’re so angry. We’re dat-”

“Don’t,” Killua interrupts quickly, a hand covering Gon’s mouth before he can finish what he was saying. “ _Don_ ’t say it.”

“Mmph mm!” Gon grumbles into his palm.

“You don’t have to say that, alright?” Killua says, head turned away as he lowers his hand from Gon’s mouth. “I _know_ that we’re…d-dating. But that doesn’t mean you can just _say_ that sort of thing.”

Gon frowns. “What’s the point of dating if I can’t say that sort of thing?”

“You just _don’t._ It’s fine for other people, but it’s too embarrassing for me,” Killua mumbles with a frown. He blinks when little hands are waved up at him just as he looks down at Marie. There’s a curious look on her face as she tilts her head to one side while staring up at him.

“Is Killua-niichan angry at Gon-niichan?” she asks, blinking wide brown eyes at him.

He has to pause at that question. His already warm cheeks grow warmer when he feels Gon’s unwavering stare and he sighs. “Not…really,” he admits. “You’re not supposed to hit someone like that, okay? Don’t copy me.” He smiles as he reaches out a hand to pat Gon roughly on the back. Gon coughs at the force of it and glares, though he doesn’t do anything to retaliate. “Gon here is strong, so he can handle that sort of thing.”

Marie nods in understanding at that, lips forming an ‘o’ as she looks from him to Gon.

“I’m done!”

The kids all too suddenly flock to Jenna when she yells her success at piecing the key together. Killua and Gon look over with similarly curious looks, though they’re eventually pulled into the flock just as swiftly when Marie tugs them both forward with their hands in hers.

“Gon-niichan and Killua-niichan should open it,” Jenna says, grinning as she holds out her treasure box with the key on top. “Since you both got the pieces!”

“It was never really meant to be a competition, was it?” Killua says, raising an eyebrow as he takes the key from her.

Jenna shakes her head. “It wasn’t. There were two lines because the pieces were put in separate places, but that didn’t mean that you had to go separately.” She grins toothily as she stretches out both of her arms to press the treasure box into Gon’s hands. “We can’t make the key if one of you didn’t get the other pieces, after all.”

“Guess not,” Killua says. He smirks when Gon holds up the treasure box for him. “I’ll be opening it, then,” he drawls, smirk widening when the kids yell a yes in a chorus. He slides the key into the lock and turns it with a click, before gently pushing the top half of the box open.

“…can I keep all of th-”

“ _No,_ Killua,” Gon immediately snaps, slapping his hand away when he tries to grab the chocolates inside the box. “Too much chocolate is bad for you! Besides,” he says while turning to the kids with a grin, “we’re gonna share them. You guys are fine with that, right?”

The kids gasp nigh simultaneously, before chorusing, “Yes!”

Killua smiles softly when he thinks Gon can’t see, though he hides it as soon as he feels Gon turning his gaze his way. He raises an eyebrow when Gon squints askance at him. “What?”

“…nothing.” Then Gon frowns, as though just now remembering something. “Hey-”

“Save what you’re going to say for later,” Killua says as he steals the box from him. He grins when Gon gapes at his audacity to do such a thing, before turning his attention back to the kids and crouching in front of them. “I can estimate from the size of this thing that three chocolates should be good for each of you. Make sure to leave a lot for me- and Gon, okay?” he snickers when he feels Gon’s knee lightly nudging at his back.

It’s pretty nice, as far as hanging out with kids go.

 

* * *

 

“You’re Killua-kun, aren’t you? And Gon-kun?”

Gon looks up instantly at being called, offering a smile when he sees that it’s Marie’s mother. He pulls his hand away from his ongoing thumb war with Killua to fully face her and say, “Yeah, that’s right!”

“Mmhm,” Killua hums, finally looking up at her when Gon nudges him in the side with an elbow. “I’m Killua, and this is Gon,” he says with a hand gesturing to himself and to Gon, respectively. He pauses for a bit after the introduction, before peeking to the right and grinning when he sees Marie hiding behind her mother (with whom Killua can assume is her baby brother in tow). He gives a little wave and she grins while waving back.

“Is there something we can help you with?” Gon asks for the both of them. It isn’t that hard to notice how harried the woman looks, what with her frazzled hair and downturned lips.

“I’m truly sorry for disturbing you both,” she says instantly with a bow of her head. “But…could the two of you watch Marie and her brother for a moment? Marie doesn’t like going to the doctor’s very much, and I can’t force her to lest I trouble the doctor. Her father is away at work and I…I don’t have anyone else to turn to for this small favor. Marie likes the two of you as well,” she adds with a hopeful smile, “so I’m sure it won’t be that much trouble.”

“We can definitely do that!” Gon says, grinning when she sighs in relief at his answer. “How long will you be away?”

“It could be an hour at the most,” she says with an apologetic smile.

“That’s fine,” Killua says, his attention turned away from her as he beckons to Marie with a hand. She grins and comes closer to the bench they’re sitting on, though at a slower pace from the usual because of how unused her brother seems to be at walking. He looks up at Marie’s mother as soon as Marie comes close, grinning as he gives Marie a gentle hair-ruffle. “We’ll take care of them while you’re gone.”

“Thank you so much,” she says with a grateful bow of her head. “I’ll be right back, so please behave. Alright?” she says to Marie and her little brother.

“Mm! We’ll be good!” Marie says with a happy nod. She giggles when her mother pats her head in goodbye, swiftly raising a hand in a wave as her mother goes up the stairs to Leorio’s clinic.

Gon scoots over to the other end of the bench to leave space in between him and Killua. “The two of you can sit here,” he says, smiling as he pats the space beside him.

Marie climbs up instantly, straightening her dress out just as soon as he manages to sit properly. “Dave! Come up!” she says, holding out both of her open palms to her little brother still wobbling for balance on his own.

“Maybe he should be carried up,” Gon suggests after a little while. It doesn’t really look like Dave can take climbing up on the bench on his own, though Gon isn’t sure why. He’d been able to do that sort of thing on his own as a kid, so maybe Dave is a slow-learner?

“Of course he does, dingus,” Killua scoffs. Gon makes a face at the moniker and almost makes to retort, until Killua reaches out with both hands to carry Dave up onto the bench. Dave makes a small surprised sound at being carried before squealing, looking excited as he waves both of his chubby arms around. “Like that, huh?” Killua asks, smiling in amusement as he hefts Dave up into his arms.

Dave makes another excited sound as though understanding Killua’s question. “Mmhmm, gotcha,” Killua says, before standing up and going back to using only his hands as he carries Dave.

“Uh, Killua,” Gon says, only to grow silent as he stares dumbly at Killua raising and lowering Dave as though playing with him. Which…he is, from the looks of it. He seems to be enjoying it too from how he’s grinning at Dave.

Gon thinks he might be feeling a little weird in his stomach from seeing all of it happen right in front of him.

“Are you okay, Gon-niichan?” Marie asks.

He blinks at the question. “Ah, yeah,” he says, not quite sounding it as he gives her a sheepish smile. “I’m fine. Killua’s pretty good with Dave, isn’t he?”

“Mmhm! He looks like Papa!” Marie says with a wide grin.

“P-papa,” Killua chokes out, blushing as he hefts Dave back up into the safety of his arms. “This is normal, isn’t it?”

Gon shrugs, because he’s never had to take care of a kid on his own. Then he blinks, mouth shaping into an ‘o’ as he thumps his fist into his open palm. “It’s probably because you’re used to taking care of your younger siblings, right?” he says.

Killua nods. “Yeah. Not that I really had to care for them much, since the age gap isn’t that big.” He shrugs before shifting Dave in his hold so that they’re both more comfortable. Dave makes a pleased sound as he pats Killua’s nose, and Killua snickers. “Stop that, my nose isn’t made for pressing,” he says as he gently takes Dave’s hand before lowering it.

“You’d probably look good as a dad,” Gon muses, smiling when Killua turns an incredulous and flustered look his way.

“Where the he- where did that even come from?” Killua asks, a bit red in the face still. The color seems to amuse not just Gon but Dave too, who reaches out with both hands to pat Killua’s cheeks.

“Remember? When you asked me if I wanted to have a kid?” Gon asks, grinning when Killua blinks in bewilderment at him.

“Okay, where did _that_ one come from?” Killua asks while using one hand to lower both of Dave’s.

“Just hear me out,” Gon says, to which Killua sighs but remains silent in concession. “I said that I wasn’t sure because of how I am, right?”

“And I told you that having Ging as a dad doesn’t mean-”

“Killua.”

Killua becomes silent at Gon’s frown and stern tone. “…fine, go on,” he grumbles, annoyed, though the picture he makes while slowly swaying to amuse Dave lessens the irritated effect. Gon stifles a giggle because he doesn’t want to piss Killua off, which is a _bad_ idea.

“I think I could like it, having a kid,” he says, grinning as he ruffles Marie’s hair. Marie giggles at the touch and straightens up as though urging Gon to pet her hair further. Gon acquiesces to the unspoken request and continues to pet Marie’s hair as he says, “So long as I’m raising the kid with you, anyway. I’d definitely be okay with that if I can get to see more of you taking care of a baby.”

Predictably enough, Killua goes even redder in the face while sputtering at him like he’d just murdered something in front of the children. “Damn it, Gon! This isn’t funny!” he manages to say, the disbelief written all over his face as he keeps his voice soft enough that Dave won’t be irritated. “That sounded like you just proposed to me!”

Gon shrugs. “That could be arr- ow!” he groans as he curls into himself, both of his hands carefully placed on either side of his right knee that Killua just _kicked_. “Why did you do that?!” he yells, before pressing his lips shut when Dave makes an almost dismayed sound at his yell.

“Don’t _ever_ do what I just did,” Killua says to Marie instead of answering Gon’s question. Marie nods quickly at Killua’s words and he relaxes, before turning to look at Gon with narrowed eyes. He doesn’t really look as intimidating when he’s patting at Dave’s hair to soothe him, though the cute image _isn’t_ going to sway Gon. (Maybe just a little bit, because it’s _really_ cute even though he doesn’t quite understand why.) “And I told you, you should have limits when it comes to saying embarrassing things like that!”

“But I was just being honest! I _did_ tell you that I want to be with you forever, right?”

“Does this mean you’re getting married?!” Marie exclaims before Killua can even make a response. She grins and Gon grins back, his anger at being hit fading when Marie hops off of the bench to hop in place excitedly. “Oohh! Ooh! I wanna be the flower girl!”

“Oh my god,” Killua mumbles to himself, looking like he’s bemoaning being left to take care of three kids.

“You’ll be the flower girl,” Gon promises, grinning as he bumps fists with Marie. He looks up and Killua rolls his eyes at him, though he looks a lot less angry than before. Dave makes a cooing sound to grab Killua’s attention and raises a hand to put it on Killua’s lips, patting him there with the curiosity of a child who has yet to understand anything.

Killua smiles and Gon’s chest throbs with something hot and heavy, the feeling settling in his chest like it’s meant to be there as he watches Killua pulling a face to make Dave laugh.

“Hey, Killua?” he asks.

“What now?” Killua asks back as he sits beside Marie. He swings his leg over until he’s straddling the bench, before placing Dave right in between his thighs so he won’t fall over. Marie grins at having her little brother close by again and holds out her hand to him, giggling when he takes a finger into his fist and squeezes.

“Do you really hate it?”

Killua blinks. He looks away and Gon can tell; he doesn’t need to ask to know just what it is that Gon’s asking about.

(Gon wonders how long it’ll be before he can read Killua just as well as Killua can read him.)

“…no, not really,” Killua admits, looking embarrassed with his own words as he shifts so that Dave is leaning into his stomach in a comfortable way. “I just think it’s embarrassing to hear that sort of thing coming from you.”

“Is it because you’re not used to it?” he asks again.

Killua becomes flustered at the question but Gon does not smile, wanting Killua to understand just how serious he is about wanting to know his answer. “I guess,” Killua answers eventually, his lowered gaze eventually being raised so he can look Gon in the eye. “It feels weird, being told stuff like that.”

“Maybe I should say those things more often to get you used to them,” Gon offers.

Killua instantly sputters at the suggestion. “No way! Do you want to kill me?!”

Gon giggles. “You can’t die from embarrassment, Killua.”

“You’re making me seriously doubt that,” Killua grumbles, turning his attention to Dave before Gon can say anything in reply.

Not that there’s much else he can say. He’s already gotten the answer to his question, anyway.

He’ll just have to find a way to get Killua used to his sincerity without him imploding from embarrassment in the process.

 

* * *

 

Killua had hoped that Gon wouldn’t notice what he was doing for a long while.

Gon has always been observant, but he hadn’t thought that those observational skills would ever be turned to him. In all the years that they’d spent together, Gon has always been good at noticing others- but only sometimes when it comes to him. And he was fine with that. He couldn’t take it if Gon could figure him out with just a look, after all.

But things are different now, because Gon doesn’t have anything else to turn his attention to. He doesn’t understand why but the target became _him_ this time, and it’s….it’s weird. It makes him feel strange right in his chest and stomach, all fluttering feelings underneath battle-hardened skin.

Gon isn’t supposed to look at him in the same way that he’d always looked at Gon.

“Where are you going,” Gon grumbles at him instead of asking, his eyebrows furrowed as Killua stops mid-step to the door.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he says, putting on an incredulous look even though he can _feel_ that hot and uncomfortable sensation inside his stomach at having Gon’s gaze turned directly at him. “Something wrong with that?”

“You just went to the bathroom earlier,” Gon whines. “I don’t remember you having such a small bladder!”

“What, so you want me to hold my pee in?”

“Do you actually have any pee to hold in or are you just avoiding me?”

He freezes at the question.

Gon sits up from the bed and glares at him, though the threatening look doesn’t work out very well when his hair is messed up from sleeping in. “You _are_ avoiding me!” Gon exclaims, arms folded over his chest as he scrutinizes Killua with narrowed eyes. “But _why?_ ”

_“You should be more honest, Killua.”_

He sighs at the unwanted reminder of Gon’s words to him. “I wonder,” he says, rubbing at his nape as he gives up on his pretense of needing to go to the bathroom. He steps forward, back to the bed, and smiles wryly when Gon turns a surprised look his way. “You wanted me to be more honest, right?” he says while taking a seat on the edge of the bed right by Gon’s legs.

Gon nods. “Yeah, I do.” He lowers his arms from his chest to settle his hands on his lap, his fingers twining together as he looks at Killua like he’s something fascinating.

Killua hides a shiver at being looked at so closely. “I don’t think I can get used to this,” he admits, voice trailing into silence as he turns his gaze away and to the floor. “Whenever I think that you and I are…together, I just can’t get comfortable. It feels weird,” he adds, chancing a look up at Gon, who blinks at his honest words.

“Why?” Gon asks. Killua sighs because he’d expected that Gon wouldn’t understand.

“Because,” he mumbles, making a face as he folds his arms over his chest in discomfort, “everything feels different now when I know that you like me.”

“But I’ve always liked you,” Gon answers. Killua’s face grows warm at the blatant honesty and he ruffles his hair with a groan. “What?” Gon asks again, confused at Killua’s embarrassment.

“I-I get that, alright? But it still feels strange! It’s hard to explain,” he says, frustrated enough that he pinches the bridge of his nose while he’s at it. He didn’t think this sort of thing would happen to him but it _is_ and it’s goddamn embarrassing. He asks, “Do I _really_ have to keep talking about this? Blatant honesty is your thing, not mine.”

“ _Yes,_ ” Gon answers instantly, expression far too stern considering the triviality of their current topic.

He sighs and scratches the back of his nape in irritation. “ _Fine._ It feels strange because I _know_ that it means something now, alright? I know that you like me, like I like you,” he trails off into a whisper, feeling his face grow a little warmer as he unknowingly turns his gaze away again. “I like it, being close to you,” he confesses, “but sometimes I feel like…things are changing too much. I don’t want that, which is why I’m,” he inhales, then lets out a slow breath, “staying away.”

Gon is frowning when Killua looks up at him again, and he blinks. “That doesn’t make sense,” Gon says, brows furrowed as he cocks his head at Killua. “If you liked me, why would you stay away?”

“Because I don’t want to make things weird!” he exclaims in exasperation. “If I keep staying with you and we’re all alone, I’m _sure_ I’ll do or say something strange!”

“I don’t mind that, though?”

He gapes for a few seconds at Gon’s frankness. “I don’t think you get it,” he says eventually, before blinking in surprise when Gon holds out a hand to stop him. “What?”

“We’re together now,” Gon says while lowering his hand. “So that sort of thing should be fine. Right? I don’t mind if you want to kiss me or do any other stuff.”

He flushes at those words, voice cracking as he yells, “I don’t!”

Gon blinks twice in succession at his yell, looking surprised both at the tone of his voice and at his words. “Eh?”

“That’s the thing,” he says, scratching a little more at his thigh as he tries not to panic. “I don’t. I don’t want to kiss you, or…or do _any_ of that stuff with you.”

Gon visibly deflates at his words and he feels his chest grow tight, tight enough that he has to grip at his shirt to keep himself from giving in and running away. Gon says, looking sadder than Killua ever wants him to be, “But why? You already kissed me before, Killua.”

“I did that because you weren’t expecting it, okay? It’s just- just too much, whenever I so much as _think_ of it! It’s always too much!” he says, trying to make Gon understand as he clenches his fists over his lap. “I didn’t even think that there would come a time that you’d be willing to kiss me at all,” he says, voice a little softer than before. He lowers his head as he mutters, “I can’t think of doing that sort of thing with you, Gon. I just can’t. We’re best friends, and…and doing that sort of thing would change everything. You should be able to understand that, at least.”

Then silence.

Eventually, he looks up, only to frown in confusion when he sees that Gon is covering the lower half of his face with a hand. “S-sorry,” Gon mumbles, looking a bit red as he finally lowers his hand. He seems to be biting back a smile and Killua flushes red as well, unsure as to why Gon is looking the way he’s looking though he can _feel_ that it’s for an embarrassing reason. “That’s actually really cute, Killua.”

“Cute?!” he sputters, gawping at Gon then down at his arms when he stretches them out as though asking for a hug. “Wh-what-”

“Come on,” Gon says with a grin while beckoning to him with both hands. “I wanna hug you.”

“Did you not _hear_ what I just said?”

“I heard you loud and clear! That’s why I wanna hug you,” Gon huffs.

“But-”

“ _Killua._ ”

“You are an _idiot_ ,” Killua hisses, though he crawls closer anyway. He’s sure that his whole face is red at this point, though there’s nothing he can do about that now. He sighs as he slumps into Gon’s arms, resting his forehead on Gon’s shoulder as he closes his eyes in resignation.

“We’re still best friends,” Gon says, one hand coming up to gently pat Killua’s head. “Okay? Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean we aren’t anymore.”

“It’s _different_ ,” he grumbles.

“Well,yeah,” Gon concedes in a hum. “We can kiss and do other things now too. But doing any of that doesn’t mean you can’t be my best friend too. It just means that you’re my best friend _and_ my boyfriend.”

Something like a choking sound escapes him at that word. “B-boyfriend…”

“That’s what I’m supposed to call you, right? I’m still not sure,” Gon mumbles while carding through his hair, making him feel far more comfortable than he should be in his embrace. “Or should I say lover? That sounds too formal though.”

“You don’t have to call me any of that,” he says, burying his face in the crook of Gon’s neck and shoulder so that he won’t see how embarrassing he looks at having been called his ‘boyfriend’ out loud. “Just saying that we’re best friends is enough.”

“Eh, I don’t want that,” Gon says, a hint of a whine in his voice as he nuzzles his cheek into white hair. “What if other girls like you and try to ask you out because they don’t know that you’re taken?”

“As if that’d ever happen!” he says, pulling away from Gon to give him a glare for saying such ridiculous things.

“Then what if someone asks _me_ out?” Gon asks.

“Reject them!” he says, a bewildered look on his face as he stares at Gon like he’s mental. “You don’t have to say that we’re boyfriends to do that!”

“But _Killua_ ,” Gon full-on whines this time, shoulders slumped in dismay. “I want to tell people that we’re together!”

“Wh-”

They both blink and freeze when the room seems to vibrate at the loud sound of something passing by overhead.

“It’s a jet-“

“That’s a helicopter, idiot,” Killua interrupts without thinking. Gon stares at him and he stares back, feeling a little bewildered at the sudden halt to their argument because of some vibrations from a passing aircraft.

Then Gon laughs and it’s loud, loud enough that he leans over from the force of it as he keeps both of his arms wrapped around his stomach. Killua stares because he doesn’t know what else to do though he’s laughing before he can even realize it, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he uses a hand to shove at Gon’s shoulder. “This isn’t funny,” he wheezes, grinning as Gon pushes him right back with a rough hand. “Stop it!”

“No, _you_ stop it!” Gon laughs, his grin wide and bright as he leans over to rest his forehead on Killua’s shoulder. The motion is so swift that Killua doesn’t have the time to avoid it, though he’s too busy laughing to try at all. He’s comfortable and he’s happy; he can’t even _think_ to ruin it by pushing him away.

The laughter subsides after a minute ticks by, only soft wheezing breaths heard as they both lean into each other.

Gradually they gather their breaths, each beat of a second granting them some composure, though Gon still giggles into his shoulder. “See? You can still have fun with me like this, even when we’re more than just friends,” Gon says once he’s gotten his breath back, his lips warm on Killua’s neck as he talks. Killua laughs dryly but he concedes the point, bowing his head until his forehead meets Gon’s shoulder.

“I get it,” he says, smiling as he lets his eyes fall closed. He reaches out a hand and Gon takes it nigh instantly, twining their fingers together as though it’s something natural. “You were right.”

Gon grins and his laughter sends vibrations through Killua’s skin, making Killua shiver with the warmth the sound gives to him.

This could work. So long as Gon doesn’t give up on him, and so long as Gon doesn’t want to let him go…

It could definitely work.

 

* * *

 

“-no, I said it was the thirty-fourth floor.”

“ _Okay! I’ll take the stairs, right?_ ”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Killua says while leaning back into the couch. He blinks when he feels something warm pressing against his cheek and he looks up, only to see Gon grinning at him while holding up a mug. “Hot cocoa?” he asks hopefully.

“Hot cocoa,” Gon answers with an amused smile, before handing over the mug to him. He walks his way around the couch to sit next to Killua, doing it a bit more slowly as he cradles his own mug of hot cocoa in his hands. “Leorio’s baking some cookies with Kurapika too,” he hums before taking a careful sip from his drink.

“Hopefully it’s edible,” Killua says loudly while lowering his phone, snickering when he hears a yell of “oi!” in the background.

“Play nice, Killua,” Gon tuts, though there’s a grin on his face when he says as much. After taking a sip from his mug, he asks, “How’s it going with Alluka?”

“She’s doing fine, though she’s asking me for help while playing a game,” Killua answers while shifting his hold on his mug.

Gon nods. He blows over his hot cocoa before taking another sip, taking a bit longer this time as he savors it. Then he says, only looking at Killua through the corners of his eyes, “Have you told her yet?”

Killua blinks at the question. He drinks from his own cup with a not-so-careful sip, not minding how hot the drink is considering how it doesn’t affect him as much anymore. “Not yet, actually,” he says once he’s done drinking.

“ _Haven’t told me what?_ ”

“Well-”

“I got cookies!” Leorio announces before Killua can finish what he’s saying. Killua rolls his eyes at the loudness but doesn’t comment, wanting to leave it at that since he doesn’t want Alluka to hear him arguing with someone.

“I hope you enjoy them,” Kurapika says from behind Leorio, an amused smile on his face as he watches Leorio setting the plate of cookies on the table before plopping onto the couch beside Killua with an “oof”. He hands over Leorio’s mug of hot coffee just before he settles down beside him on the couch. “Who is Killua talking to?” he asks with a brow quirked in question.

“It’s his sister, Alluka,” Gon answers for him. “Ne, Killua,” Gon says, nudging him with an elbow just after he finishes another sip from his drink, “you should let Alluka talk to everyone else too.”

“ _Yeah! I wanna greet your friends, onii-chan!_ ”

“Yes, yes,” he sighs, smiling in amusement at how easily Alluka agrees to Gon’s suggestion. He lowers the phone from his ear before pressing the button to put her on the loudspeaker, before settling it on his lap in a way that ensures everyone will be heard when they talk to her. He says, “There, I set it on loudspeaker. Can you hear me?”

“ _Yeah!_ ” she exclaims excitedly, immediately going on to say, “ _Hi everyone!_ ”

“Hey,” offers Leorio, smiling as he takes a sip from his mug of coffee.

“Hello, Alluka,” Kurapika says right after him, a smile on his face as he turns his mug of coffee in his hands. “It’s nice to finally get to talk to you.”

“ _I’m glad I got to talk to onii-chan’s friends too! Are you all having fun?_ ” she asks.

“Oh, definitely,” Leorio says, grinning when Killua gives him a look. “Your brother could be a little nicer, tho- _ow!_ ”

Killua grins as he pulls his foot away from Leorio’s own. “Don’t mind him, Alluka.”

“ _You should listen to Gon, onii-chan! Play nice!_ ”

“Don’t say that,” Killua groans. He squints at Gon and Gon shrugs, though he’s smiling as bites into one of the cookies he’d grabbed from the plate. “I don’t need Gon version 2, Alluka.”

“ _You shouldn’t be mean to your friends though._ ”

“I’m not! Besides, Leorio can handle a little teasing,” Killua says while sending a grin Leorio’s way.

“I can’t say the same for you,” Leorio retorts, before taking a good long sip from his coffee. Killua scoffs at those words but doesn’t bother to retort, opting to eat a cookie instead. “Haah,” Leorio breathes out, then says, “Anyway, how’re things going for you, Alluka? Your nii-chan isn’t very good at keeping us up to date.”

“ _That’s because onii-chan is always too busy with Gon,_ ” Alluka says, making Killua almost choke on his cookie mid-swallow. Leorio laughs and Kurapika hides a snort, though only barely.

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing,” Gon says while patting Killua on the back.

“ _It’s not, but you shouldn’t keep him_ too _busy!_ ”

“I’m not, I promise!” He grins when Killua shoots a glare his way. “But! There’s something I _really_ need to tell you, Alluka.”

Killua gawks at him when he grins widely. “Right now?”

“Well, yeah,” Gon says with a blink and a head-tilt to the right. “Everyone is here, so it’ll be easier.”

Kurapika raises an eyebrow at those words. “What will be easier, exactly?”

Gon giggles and Killua groans, setting down his mug of hot cocoa to free his hand for the sake of covering his face with it.

“ _What is it, onii-chan? Are you okay?_ ”

“We’re dating!” Gon says proudly while slapping his free hand to his chest with a ‘thump’.

“ _Eh?!_ ”

“Well then,” Kurapika says, his eyes wide as he lowers his mug of coffee onto the table.

“Ehh?!” Leorio yells (thankfully not spitting out coffee when he does so), voice overpowering everyone else’s as he gawks at Killua and Gon like they’re a pair of rare animals. “Since when?!”

“Two days ago,” Gon answers promptly with a smile. He takes a sip from his mug again, before lowering it onto the coffee table beside Killua’s. “I took him out three nights ago, remember?”

“Then,” Leorio says with a frown, “Killua confessed that night?”

Killua flushes at his words. “Why are you assuming that _I_ confessed?”

“Gon said that he’d wait for you to confess first,” Kurapika answers for Leorio with an amused smile. Gon gives him a surprised look and he adds as an explanation, “Leorio told me yesterday.”

“ _No fair, onii-chan! Why didn’t you tell me that you’d confess?_ ”

“It’s not like I _planned_ it,” he says, scratching at the back of his head out of habit. “It just…came out.”

“He kissed me, by the way,” Gon adds, laughing when Killua throws a couch pillow his way. “It’s true!”

“You didn’t have to tell them _that,_ you idiot!” He looks over at Kurapika and Leorio, only to flush a darker red when Kurapika smiles in amusement at him. He’d told Kurapika about his first kiss that he had with Gon before, though he couldn’t figure out how _that_ conversation had happened in the first place.

Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything about it. Killua sighs and straightens up, pulling away from Gon and holding onto his phone so that he won’t accidentally drop it from his lap. He says, “Alluka, please don’t take after Gon. He’s a bad influence.”

“ _No he’s not!_ ”

“No I’m not!”

“Just listen to your onii-chan,” he adds, squinting and shoving at Gon’s shoulder when he tries to take the phone from him. “I can only deal with one Gon at a time; I don’t want another one.”

“ _I’m not going to be another Gon, onii-chan! That’s silly!_ ”

“You say that now,” Killua mumbles, his voice cutting off into a grunt of surprise when Leorio places a hand on his head to ruffle his hair. “What are you-”

“You’re happy, right?” Leorio asks, an eyebrow raised as he says so. Killua stares and Leorio stares right back, apparently not willing to back down on this one as he removes his hand from Killua’s hair. “Or are you not?”

“Of course I am,” he grumbles, before making a surprised yelp-like sound when Gon hugs him from the side without warning. “Don’t do that!” he says, a hint of pink in his cheeks as he tries and fails to shove Gon away by his shoulder. “What if I’d dropped the phone?!”

“The phone can handle it,” Gon says with his face hidden in Killua’s arm. “I really need to hug you right now, so…please?” Then he peeks up, the upper half of his face the only thing visible as he blinks wide brown eyes at him.

“D-don’t make that face! And it’s fine,” he mumbles, frowning ( _not_ pouting) as Gon yells in delight at his consent. “You’re such a kid, Gon,” he says, smiling a bit when Gon hums into his arm in reply.

“ _I’m glad that you’re happy, onii-chan.”_

“…me too,” he says, moving an arm around so he can pat Gon on the head. He glances to his left and sees Leorio grinning at him, almost affectionately even, with Kurapika smiling while taking a sip from his cup of coffee.

He huffs out a laugh, hand reflexively squeezing around the phone as he says, “I’m glad that I could tell you, Alluka.”

“ _Un!_ ” Alluka hums in reply, the smile not having to be seen to be felt. Killua smiles back because he can’t help it, though he makes a face when Leorio teases him about it.

Maybe he could keep this happiness after all. 


	10. honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for helping me out as I wrote this! Bless you for being patient with me through the whole thing, friend! <3
> 
> Chapter title is based on The Neighbourhood's song, [Honest](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXjt5WFPgc).
> 
> 46\. Why did the telephone keep doing that?  
> 47\. If you turn that knob it'll pop right out.  
> 48\. She couldn't bear to read the e-mail, so she deleted it.  
> 49\. If we aren't careful, we'll cause an accident.  
> 50\. He would just have to stick it in the washing machine.

Sometimes, when Gon looks at Killua, he wonders what he did to deserve having him by his side. Killua certainly isn’t perfect; he knows that much, at least. He’s broken, worn and scared and _wary_ \- but he’s beautiful. So, so beautiful, and Gon feels like he could hit himself- _has_ already hit himself for being so slow to realize that.

But he knows, just as much as Killua does, that that sort of thing could never have been on his mind before. Because Killua had only found what he wanted after meeting him, he only found what he wanted after Killua already left, and they were occupied with so many other things that he didn’t have the time to even _think_ of Killua as something beautiful and fragile. Because Killua always made himself strong for him, has always made himself Gon’s support even when it was at his own expense. He was strong- _is_ strong, but he’s weak in ways that only those close to him could understand.

Killua is strong, but he’s weak for the people that he loves. He’s always been like that. For him, and Alluka; for a number of people, Killua would be willing to do _anything_ to make sure that they were safe- even if it means turning away from what he was taught growing up.

Standing now, Killua’s palm firm against the fist he’d greeted him with, he wonders if it’s alright to be greedy.

He wonders if it’s alright, wanting to keep Killua to himself.

“Hey, Killua?”

“You’re sure you can concentrate,” then Killua strikes, Gon blocking with arms crossed over his face, “while you’re talking?”

“Of course I can!” He kicks up a foot for Killua’s jaw and Killua instantly cranes his neck back, body bending with the movement before he does a flip back and away from him. “I’ve been learning from all this training we’re doing, you know? You’re actually a great teacher, Killua.”

“Flattery gets you nowhere, Gon,” Killua says while throwing out quick successive punches, Gon blocking each one with his arms with ease. It’s not that difficult to get accustomed to this sort of thing, especially when Killua always makes sure that he doesn’t lose his touch when it comes to fighting.

“Doesn’t it? I’ve learned otherwise,” he says with a grin, catching both of Killua’s fists in his palms and keeping them in his firm grip even as Killua struggles to pull away. “Flattery usually gets me a lot of things.”

“I don’t need to hear about how you flirt to get what you want,” Killua snaps. He looks annoyed when he tries to knee Gon in the stomach, looking _more_ irritated when the attempt fails and Gon forces him to walk back just from using his strength alone. “What are you-”

“I don’t flirt with anyone but you, though,” Gon says, forcing Killua’s fists (and he himself) back until they’re pressed back into the tree Gon had cornered him into. He smiles when Killua narrows his eyes at him, using his thumb to caress battle-roughened knuckles until Killua notices and tenses in self-consciousness.

He barely bites back a yelp when Killua stamps his foot down on Gon’s own, though it isn’t enough to make him release Killua from his hold. “That’s low, Killua,” he says, making a face when Killua rolls his eyes at him.

“You can handle it, it’s not like I electrocuted you,” Killua grumbles. “Besides, this isn’t how you corner someone.”

“Isn’t it?”

Killua presses back into the tree and hops up, surprising Gon when he wraps his legs around his waist. Even with restrained fists, he says, “You’re full of openings.” Then he smirks, quickly bowing his head forward in a movement similar to that of one trying to hit his opponent’s forehead with his own. Gon remains firm where he is because…well, his head has always been harder than Killua’s. He can handle a bit of pain to keep him where he is.

He doesn’t expect Killua’s lips on his, doesn’t expect to see Killua closing his eyes in such a situation- as though surrendering to him- and he loosens his hold in surprise.

Killua pulls his hands away and Gon flinches, a bit too out of it to do anything quickly to defend himself, but all Killua does is place warm palms over his cheeks. He tenses at the touch out of bewilderment, not quite digesting how Killua is kissing him just yet, though his arms automatically make their way around Killua’s waist to keep him from falling.

“See?” Killua murmurs against his lips. He feels warm all over as soon as the fact that Killua- _shy_ and _easily embarrassed_ Killua- kissed him first sinks into his mind. Then Killua leans in again, lips warm against his, and he breathes. He kisses back and it’s great, _so_ much greater than all those times before when all he could have were small stolen kisses, even though he still doesn’t understand what brought this on.

He’s definitely not gonna complain, though.

“You still need to work on your form, Gon,” Killua says, laughing when they separate, though the sound is swallowed just as quickly as it comes when Gon pushes Killua’s head back down with one hand into a kiss. “Don’t-” kiss, “get too full-“ kiss, ”of yourself!”

“Can’t I? When you spoil me like this,” Gon says, feeling giddy even as Killua pulls away from the kiss. He grins and Killua smiles, looking so- so _affectionate_ that he doesn’t expect the finger-flick at his forehead.

“Ow!”

“That’s your punishment for being cheeky,” Killua says, raising an eyebrow when he pouts in response. “You already got your reward for managing to corner me; you shouldn’t complain.”

“I guess,” he says, sighing as he shifts his hold around Killua’s waist so that it’ll be comfortable for him. “I thought I’d be punished for having so many openings, though. You can’t fix that if you reward me with kisses.” He blinks wide innocent eyes up at Killua. “I might do this again, you know? Just so you’ll kiss me again.”

“Who says I’m doing this sort of thing again? I’ll break your legs if you try it one more time,” Killua warns, though Gon isn’t really listening anymore. He lowers himself to the ground until he’s fully seated with Killua in his lap, before leaning into the crook of Killua’s neck and breathing in. “That’s creepy as hell, Gon,” Killua says, though he bares his neck to him anyway.

(He wonders; if he were less human, would he be able to hold back from this at all?)

“You smell really nice, though,” he hums, closing his eyes as he rests his forehead on Killua’s shoulder.

“I smell like sweat and dirt,” Killua deadpans.

He laughs, because he does. They _both_ smell like sweat and dirt from having trained since morning till noon, though that’s not what he meant when he said that Killua smells nice. “You smell like Killua,” he says, humming happily as he turns his head until his cheek is resting on Killua’s shoulder. He grins when Killua raises an eyebrow at him. “That’s why you smell nice.”

 _You smell like me,_ he doesn’t say, because even he knows that that’s creepy.

“Weirdo.”

He giggles. “You like me, so what does that make you?”

“A bigger weirdo,” Killua sighs, looking resigned as he lets his arms hang from Gon’s shoulders. “I’ve long ago accepted that.”

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

“Killua, what’s that?”

“I’m guessing it’s one of our phones,” Killua says as he tries to stand up, though that attempt fails when Gon tugs him back down. Killua makes a face in annoyance. “I can’t get the phones like this, dumbass.”

“Ehh,” he whines, pouting and slumping forward when Killua pries himself away from the embrace. He watches with pursed lips as Killua heads for the tree they’d left their bags on, nose scrunching in annoyance at being left so easily. He blinks when Killua raises an eyebrow at his phone. “What is it?” he asks, head tilting to the right in curiosity when Killua comes back to him with the phone held out.

“ _Hey, you two. Did I interrupt something?_ ”

“Palm?!” he yells, making Killua grunt in surprise when he’s pulled down onto the ground until he’s on his knees beside him. “How-”

“It’s called a video call- and _don’t_ do that again, I’d have accidentally punched you with the phone,” Killua says with a sigh of exasperation as he pulls his wrist away from Gon’s hold to sit more properly on the ground a little bit in front of him. “Any particular reason you decided to do a video call today, Palm?”

“ _Are you saying I need to have a good reason to see your face?_ ” Palm asks with a raised brow.

“Well, no,” Killua says, mouth unknowingly forming a moue as he scratches at his cheek. It’s cute, though Gon can’t help from feeling a bit uneasy for some inexplicable reason. “You don’t usually do this unless you’re really angry with me.”

“Angry with you?” Gon repeats, the confusion clear from his frown and furrowed brows as he props his chin on Killua’s shoulder. Killua tenses initially at the proximity- as he always does, being someone unused to this sort of intimacy- before gradually relaxing with his back pressed against Gon’s chest. This sort of position wouldn’t have been possible had Killua been sitting up straight considering his height as compared to Gon’s, which sucks. Still, they’ve managed to make it work for all the times they’ve tried cuddling, so it’s sort of fine. Despite Killua’s height advantage, he fits perfectly in Gon’s arms anyway.

Palm sighs. “ _Killua tested my patience a lot. I do care about him, and I’m aware that he cares for me too, but sometimes I can’t handle his selfishness._ ”

“Selfish how?” he asks again, tilting his head until his temple is resting against Killua’s ear.

“ _He won’t let me worry about him!_ ” Palm huffs while leaning away, arms folded over her chest as she squints at them through the small screen. “ _That’s what friends do, honestly! You should have understood that by then!_ ”

“Ex _cuse_ me for not wanting to bother you,” Killua retorts, trying to sound as bratty as possible, though he looks a little too sad underneath the façade that Gon can’t help himself from wrapping his arms around Killua’s waist. Killua looks up at the one-sided embrace, blinking confused eyes at him when all he does is smile.

“Your waist looked lonely,” he explains, making Palm laugh and Killua sputter simultaneously.

“ _Maybe I should call later when you’re alone, Killua,_ ” Palm suggests. Gon’s mind immediately latches onto the word ‘alone’ and he makes a tiny noise of complaint, making Palm frown in confusion. “ _Is there something wrong, Gon?_ ”

“I know that you’re friends,” he says, trying his hardest not to pout as he hides the lower half of his face behind Killua’s shoulder, “but I think I feel a bit jealous.”

“It’s _Palm_ , Gon,” Killua says with a frown, as though that’s reason enough for him not to be jealous. “She’s not going to hit on me. That’s ridiculous!”

“ _Well, maybe not._ ”

“Palm, don’t you start,” Killua says, making a face as he shifts the phone in his hold so that it won’t fall. “Besides, you’re too old for me.”

Palm glares at that. “ _Are you deliberately trying to make me angry?_ ”

“It’s not like I’m wrong,” Killua says with a sigh. “You’re older than me by a few years. I’m not even your type, anyway.”

“ _Who are you to decide that sort of thing?_ ”

“So Killua _is_ your type of guy?” Gon asks, frowning as he re-props his chin on Killua’s shoulder.

She laughs, not quite taking him seriously. “ _Maybe not. I liked you first, didn’t I? You’re more my type, Gon.”_

 _“_ I already have Killua though, so that can’t happen. _”_

Killua hides a snort behind his fist and Gon grins. He squeezes his arms in a reassuring way around Killua’s waist and Killua pats him on the wrist, before laying his warm palm flat on Gon’s arm, as though finding comfort in touching him like that. Something in his chest feels like it’s fluttering and he giggles, before saying, “And since Killua is mine, you can’t ask him out either.”

“ _Who’s_ yours?” Killua asks, pinching him on the arm with enough force that he can’t help a flinch and a whine.

“You’re _my_ boyfriend; other people aren’t supposed to ask you out,” he grumbles with a pout.

“ _In any case,”_ Palm says, getting his and Killua’s attention again, “ _it’s clear that Killua’s the one with the greater disadvantage._ ”

Killua sighs like he understands, even though Gon doesn’t see just what it is she means by that. “What do you mean?” he asks, frowning at the thought that Killua and Palm know something relevant to him that _he_ doesn’t.

“ _You’re the type of guy who’ll attract a lot of people, Gon. That should’ve been obvious since long ago._ ”

He blinks. Then he frowns, because he still doesn’t understand what she means. “So?”

“ _There will be people asking you out in the future, even more so considering how handsome you look now._ ”

“Ehe, thanks,” he says with a smile, sheepishly scratching at his cheek. “But I still like Killua best, so that sort of thing doesn’t really matter.”

“What if you find someone else, then?” Killua is the one who asks this time, looking as though he’s trying to hide just how much the thought hurts him. Gon squeezes his arms around him almost reflexively, not liking the expression on Killua’s face that his body can’t help from moving on its own. He doesn’t like it at all, seeing Killua sad- especially not when it’s because of _him_.

“That’s not going to happen,” Gon huffs, annoyed that Killua could entertain such a thought at all. “I love Killua and that’s it. I’m not going to love anyone else like I love you, because no one can be as important to me as you are.”

“Huh,” Killua says, sounding indifferent- though his face is a different matter entirely. Gon is sure he’d see him blushing if he leaned forward a bit, though he’s already satisfied seeing Killua’s pink-tipped ears. “S’that so.”

“ _It’s cute how you’re trying to act cool even though that made you really happy._ ” Palm giggles, hiding her smile behind her hand even though it’s already obvious just from her soft gaze. “ _You should try being honest, Killua. I heard it helps in keeping stress levels low._ ”

“I don’t need to hear that sort of thing from _you_ ,” Killua snaps, ears red by the tips still as he tenses in Gon’s embrace.

“ _I’d be angry at how you said that, but I think I’ll forgive you since you look so cute flustered,”_ Palm says with a wide smile, having already lowered her hand back on the table in front of her.

“Doesn’t he?” Gon agrees with a grin, though his happy expression momentarily falters when Killua jabs an elbow into his stomach. “ _Ow_ , Killua!” he whines.

“I don’t see the entertainment value in making fun of me,” Killua grumbles, glaring at the camera- consequently, at Palm- as he leans back into Gon’s chest. The contrasting actions- his elbow jab and how he leans into Gon still- forces Gon to bite his cheek to hide a giggle. It’s cute how Killua tries so hard to be cool all the time even when he doesn’t have to.

“We’re not making fun of you! We just tease you because you’re really, really cute,” Gon hums, pressing a kiss onto the tip of Killua’s left ear. Predictably enough, he gets a sputtering and blushing Killua in response.

“I’m taller than you! How can _I_ be cute?” He’s blushing up to the tips of his ears as he pushes Gon’s face away from him. “And don’t do that!”

“ _Cuteness isn’t judged by one’s stature, Killua. How you react whenever you’re teased is what makes you cute, among other things._ ”

“The two of you are so _annoying.”_

“You love us anyway,” Gon hums with a smile. He pulls Killua’s hand away from his face and laughs when Killua makes a face in response.

 “ _I wonder what that says about you? Loving people that you find annoying._ ”

“It means I’m an idiot,” Killua grumbles, looking a lot like his child-self with how put out he looks as he shakes off Gon’s grip on his wrist. Gon giggles, though the sound is swiftly cut short when Killua glares at him.

“W _ell_ ,” he hums, thinking of good reasons as he stretches his legs out to make himself more comfortable, “I think it means that you have a big heart, since you can love us even when we annoy you.”

“ _Mmhmm, that’s true._ ”

“You guys really like making things sound better than they really are, don’t you?” Killua sighs, looking resigned to their teasing as he tilts his head until it’s resting right by Gon’s neck.

“No, we just love you a lot. _I,_ ” he says, adding a lilt for emphasis, “love you a lot. I like it when you’re embarrassed because you don’t know how to accept compliments.” He laughs when Killua jabs an elbow into his stomach again, though the hit is a little weaker this time. “It’s true! You of all people should know that Palm and I don’t just say nice things because we can. We say them because we think it’s true.”

“Yeah, yeah, fine-“

“ _But_ ,” he adds with something like a disappointed expression, earning a confused look from Killua, “just because you’re like that doesn’t mean it’s good.”

Killua blinks, not having expected that follow-up. Then he sighs, having understood what Gon means, and turns his head until his temple is resting on Gon’s shoulder. Killua’s forehead pressingly warmly into his neck sends a tingling feeling up his spine but he reins the shiver in, not wanting to ruin the moment as he muzzles his cheek into fluffy white hair.

“ _If the two of you are trying to annoy me, it’s working._ ”

Killua laughs, a gleam of something mischievous in his eyes as he smirks at the phone’s camera. “That was the plan.”

Palm rolls her eyes and Gon laughs with his face hidden in Killua’s shoulder.

(Maybe it’ll be alright if he’s selfish, just this once. Just for Killua.)

 

* * *

 

“The doorknob will pop right out if you keep doing that.”

Killua snaps out of his thoughts with a blink, his tight grip on the doorknob loosening nigh instantly. He turns around and sees Kurapika smiling in amusement at him, one eyebrow raised in question when he drops his hand form the knob to slip it back into his pocket. He looks away guiltily and Kurapika’s smile softens; a reminder of how gentle he’s always been even with all that he’s been through.

“Didn’t notice that,” he says, trying to be casual as he purses his lips in thought. “I forget my strength sometimes, I guess.”

“You’re a bit too skilled for that to happen, I think,” Kurapika says while turning away and heading to the couch. That he’s looking away permits Killua the chance to wince, because what he said is true. He doesn’t usually forget his strength in non-dangerous situations like this.

Kurapika looks back and he swiftly puts on an innocent smile, though it doesn’t appear to work when Kurapika sighs in response. “We can talk about it, if you want,” Kurapika offers as he sits down on the couch.

He comes closer because he doesn’t know what else to do; he’d only tried opening the door to their rooms because he was distracted. He wasn’t even meaning to head anywhere. “Talk about what?” he asks, not quite trying to play innocent as he is confused at how to answer the question.

Kurapika smiles when he plops down next to him. “The reason for you being so distracted is a good place to start,” Kurapika says.

“The reason for me being distracted, huh,” he muses, slumping back into the couch as he looks up at the ceiling. “I know, but at the same time…”

“It’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason?”

He nods at that. Kurapika nods right back in understanding, before sitting back into the couch with a closed hand over his chin and lips. “I see. Would you mind if I suggest a few ideas?”

He shrugs in response. “I don’t mind. That would make it easier, I guess.”

“Could it perhaps have something to do with the change in your relationship with Gon?”

He sighs at those words, slumping further down onto the couch as he stretches his legs out. “Probably,” he mumbles with his gaze lowered to his feet. “It’s not that I don’t like the change. It’s just,” he trails off, frowning as he lets his head fall back onto the couch, “I feel uneasy, for some reason.”

Kurapika looks away from him then, looking as though he’s thinking about it with his furrowed brows and minute frown. “Knowing you,” Kurapika says, lowering his hand from his chin to his lap as he looks at him again, “you’re probably worrying about how things will turn out now that something has changed. Am I right?”

“…yeah, you are,” he admits hesitantly, hands hidden in his pockets fidgeting slightly at the accurate guess. “Gon, on the other hand,” he says with a sigh, “isn’t worrying at all.”

“It’s not in his nature to worry about things,” Kurapika says, easily eliciting a tiny smile from him. “Have you talked to him about it?”

He nods, eyes falling closed as he lets himself relax momentarily on the couch. “I’ve tried, but you know how he is.”

Kurapika laughs softly at those words. “I’m guessing he told you not to worry?”

“Bingo.” He laughs and the sound comes off weary, as though he’s laughing even though he doesn’t find it funny. “I don’t mind that he’s an optimist, but he should still realize that sheer determination won’t keep things from falling apart.”

The smile falls from his face and Kurapika grows quiet, his own words having ruined what light atmosphere they had between them. It takes a few beats of silence before he says, head turned away and knees pressed together again, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Killua. You’re allowed to worry. But,” Kurapika’s voice softens, his gaze warm as he places a hand on Killua’s head, “that’s why you have us. You can talk to us about it so you won’t have to worry alone.”

“That sounds like something Leorio would say,” he says with a huff of laughter. Kurapika smiles and he blinks in surprise, not having expected that reaction.

“I’ve done some growing up while I was gone,” Kurapika says to his unvoiced question, his hand gentle even as it leaves Killua’s head. “And Leorio…he’s been patient with me for all those times I was away.”

“It’s only been three years,” Killua says, an eyebrow raised as he pats at his hair ruffled by Kurapika’s touch. “Why are all of you getting so sentimental?”

“You are too,” Kurapika points out while imitating Killua’s questioning look. “You just don’t show it as much.”

“You can’t prove that,” he huffs while folding his arms over his chest.

“That’s a tell,” Kurapika says with a tiny giggle. Killua blinks at his words, confused, until he realizes the position of his arms. He blushes as he sticks both of his hands back into his pockets. “That’s not helping, Killua,” Kurapika adds, his laugh hidden behind a fist.

“It’s a habit,” he snaps, annoyed and embarrassed at having been called out on his tells. _This_ is why he always hides his hands in his pockets. “Anyway, even if I am, at least I’m not as overt as you guys are about it. I don’t understand how you can talk about that sort of thing without getting embarrassed.”

“You get used to it,” Kurapika answers. “It’s surprising that _you_ haven’t gotten used to it, considering the length of time you’ve already spent with Gon.” Then he pauses, smiling in amusement before he says, “Could it be because things are different with him since he’s in love with you?”

“You guys talk so lightly about love,” Killua grumbles, flushing a bit when Kurapika smiles brightly at his words. “Wh-what?” he asks with a frown. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“Oh, no big reason,” Kurapika says with a dismissive wave of his hand. The bright smile gradually fades until it’s gone, leaving Kurapika looking almost solemn, a little bit like how he was before everything ended, before he came back for real, without having revenge holding him back. “You place a lot of weight on love, huh.”

His frown deepens at that. “Shouldn’t I?”

Kurapika shakes his head. “It’s admirable, actually. You don’t see that sort of person often.”

“Well, I guess,” he mumbles. “I don’t like saying it so lightly like that when it’s not something you can just easily take back.”

“It’s not something you can lie about, is it?”

“Of course not.” He shakes his head when he says so, fingers idly fidgeting in his pockets as he rests his head back onto the couch until he’s looking up at the stained ceiling. “You have to mean it when you say that sort of thing.”

Kurapika smiles and it’s soft, warm; something meant for good kids like Gon but not for killers like him. Kurapika places a hand on his shoulder, almost as if it reassure him. (But for what reason? He isn’t certain.)

He says, gently squeezing Killua’s shoulder, “Gon means it, Killua. As often as he says it, even if it looks like he’s taking it lightly,” he trails off, looking so sure of himself that Killua can’t help from staring, “he’s not.”

Killua’s heart catches in his throat at those words, making it difficult for him to breathe as the words sink into his mind like bricks falling into water, slow but sure as they go.

_Is that really how it is?_

_Is it that easy?_

_Does he really deserve that kind of happiness?_

“Not everything disappears, Killua,” Kurapika says, almost like he’d read his mind. The hand on his shoulder drops and he breathes again, blinking wide blue eyes at Kurapika as he clasps his hands together on his lap, a little bit like a prayer.

Kurapika smiles and it’s sad, as though he understands what it is he’s feeling at that very moment.

“You just have to make sure you don’t let go.”

 

* * *

 

It had started out innocuously enough. Gon had only started learning how to type up e-mails, which he hadn’t felt the need to use before since he could just call the people he wanted to talk to.

It had said,

“ _hi palm!!! this is gon_

_im still lerning how to type up emails and i thought id email u first since i missed talking to u!!_

_how are u alluka and mito-san_

_is there anything new are u guys doing ok_

_killua and i hav been ok and were having fun at leorios_ ”

and so on.

The lack of certain punctuation marks and misspelled words certainly made it difficult for her to read everything, but she could still handle it. Gon wasn’t one for technology like Killua was, so she had to be patient with him. She could do that, at least; it was the least she could do after the numerous times she’d teased him by implying that there was something between her and Killua. She’d done all of those things knowingly too, just because she could.

It’s a sweet sort of revenge for him dumping her by the end of their date in the past, honestly. It’s childish, she knows as much, but _still._ It was rude of him to do it just when the date ended! Anyway, it’s not like he didn’t find his happiness along the way. If she were like her past self she’d probably say that it’s unfair, but it’s not. She knows that much. The two of them have gone through a lot together and, out of all the people she knows, they deserve their happiness together the most.

But that doesn’t mean that she’s _okay_ with the progression of Gon’s e-mails.

From

“ _ive missed talking to you and alluka_

_are you guys doing ok_

_is mito-san being naggy like usual hahaha please dont tell her i said that_

_thats a joke_

_i really miss mito-san tho_ ”

to

“ _hey palm did you know that killua moves around a lot in his sleep?? its really funny to look at tho it isnt as fun when he kicks me off the bed_

_then again i can forgive him since he likes hugging me when hes asleep even when hes really not_

_does that make sense???_

_killua likes to pretend that hes asleep when he does it even tho i can tell that hes awake becoz of how fast his heartbeat is_

_its really cute actualy tho i wish hed be more honest about wanting to hug me_ ”

And now,

“ _hey palm is it possible to have sex even if youre two boys_

_its normal to want to do that sort of thing with killua right???_

_how do u do that stuff?? im curious since i read that it could feel good and i wanna make killua feel good too_

_do you think killua knows how to do it“_

Ridiculous. It’s absolutely _ridiculous._ How can he even _think_ of sending such questionable e-mails to her? Did he _forget_ that they’d dated before and that she liked him? Did he conveniently forget that not everyone can grasp his level of frankness, especially when it’s frankness involving his sex life?

This is something else entirely. Does Killua even _know_ that he’s sending her these sorts of e-mails?

_Ping._

She blinks down at her phone, frowning when she sees the little bubble saying ‘1’ on her inbox. Surely, it couldn’t be Gon? He’d only just recently sent her something, so it couldn’t possibly be him.

“ _hi palm!! killua and i are checking out the waterfalls that leorio told us about_

_its really fun over here!! were allowed to swim and ive already taken a dip its so coooold but its nice_

_oh by the way  i found this cool website all about how i can have sex even-_ ”

She stands corrected.

Her hands shake as she tries and fails to press ‘delete’ on her phone. She pauses once she realizes how futile her efforts are in pressing the button with trembling fingers, before breathing in slowly and closing her eyes to try and relax. She presses the delete button successfully once she’s calmed down a bit, her hands losing the tremors completely when she sees that the message is gone.

She presses the call button once that’s done, her lips trembling as she waits for the ringing to stop.

_Click._

_“_ Gon!” she yells immediately, the blue blush showing on her cheeks as she rubs the creases on her forehead with her free hand. “Could you _please_ stop with the e-mails? While I _am_ flattered that you think I’m trustworthy enough for you to talk to me about your sex life, I don’t think you should share _that_ sort of information with me!”

“ _Sex life?_ ”

She pales at the unexpected voice.

“…Killua?” she asks, even when she already knows that it’s him.

“ _Gon left his phone with me because he had to go answer the call of nature._ ” There’s a beat of a pause. “ _Whose sex life were you talking about, exactly?_ ”

“Um.”

“ _Palm._ ”

She bites her lip at the firm tone, frowning as she sits back down on her chair. “Yours,” she mumbles, squeezing her eyes shut as she covers the upper half of her face.

“ _Mine? I’m not even having sex._ ”

“That’s the thing,” she mutters, voice growing soft as she tries not to make a face out of embarrassment at having to talk about such a stupid topic. “Gon has been asking me about it. And by it I mean sex.”

“ _…he’s interested?_ ”

She opens her mouth, ready to yell “yes!” at him because god only knows how many e-mails from Gon she’s already deleted- but she stops before she can say anything. It takes a while, maybe more than a second, but she notices it. She’s silent for a moment, thinking about that little pause and Killua’s hesitant tone, before she says, “You don’t sound happy about that, Killua.” She hesitates, unsure when she says, “Do you not want to be with him in that way?”

Silence.

“ _O-of course I want to_ ,” he says eventually, high-pitched and nervous. If Palm were any less observant she’d have thought that it was just him being embarrassed at the idea of having sex with Gon, but she’s better than that. She _knows_ him better than that.

“Is there something wrong?” she asks, adopting a gentle tone as she leans back into her chair. “You’re usually the one who makes the perverted jokes, so it’s a little odd to have you being hesitant about this. I’d have thought you’d be excited, or at least _angry_ that Gon has been talking about it with me.”

“ _I’m definitely angry,_ ” he tells her, sounding surer than before. He continues, the certainty in his voice fading into a murmur, “ _I…I don’t know if I’m excited, though. I hadn’t thought that Gon would want to do that sort of thing, not this early. It’s only been two weeks since we’ve been together.”_

“He’s liked you for longer than that,” she tells him. “And it’s the same for you, right? Didn’t you entertain those sorts of thoughts before?”

“ _…no. Not really._ ”

She blinks. There’s a long pause at those words, her mind taking a while to digest that information. “…really?” she asks, trying to confirm it. How was she supposed to believe that he didn’t want to, when he was the one who’s been in love with Gon for so long?

 _“Is there something wrong with it?”_ he asks, a hint of apprehension in his tone even through the crackle of static.

“No, of course not,” she says quickly, blinking into awareness as she squeezes the phone in her hand. “I was just surprised.”

“ _I could tell._ ” He sighs. He’s only seventeen but he sounds tired, sad, a little like he’d expected to be disappointed when he heard her admit to her surprise. She unknowingly grits her teeth when she thinks of how horrible it feels to have disappointed him. It’s the _last_ thing she wants to happen, but she’s done it anyway. (She _hates_ it, even though she doesn’t understand just why it is that Killua sounds so sad.) “ _It’s okay. I thought that I’d want that sort of thing too._ ”

“But you don’t?”

“ _I’m just happy that I can be by his side. That’s already more than I deserve.”_

She frowns at the self-deprecating words. “That’s not true. It’s not a matter of deserving someone. It’s a matter of him loving you, and you loving him back.”

His laugh comes out as a huff and she imagines him smiling- not his happy smile, but the smile he puts on whenever he wants someone else to believe that he’s okay. He says, “ _I’ve lost count of how many people have told me that. But…I understand. I understand that. He loves me, and he’s staying with me because he wants to. That’s all there is to it._

 _But is it really?”_ he asks, making her blink in surprise at his odd question. “ _I’m happy that I can be with him, Palm. I don’t think I can ask for anything more than this. I’ve been trying to move on from his almost death that I…that I forgot just how it works. Wanting anything more than just him being alive. Happy._ ”

Slowly, gradually, her vision goes blurry when she understands what he means. How long has it been, for him to keep on carrying this sort of weight on his shoulders? How _long_ has he been thinking like this? She murmurs, her heart clenching tight in her chest, “Killua….”

“ _Don’t cry on me now, Palm._ ”

“Who says I’m crying?” she huffs, trying not to sniffle as she wipes the tears brimming in the corners of her eyes. “If anyone should be crying, it should be you.”

“ _It’s a little bit too late for that,”_ he says, a hint of laughter in his tone. “ _Besides, I don’t want Gon worrying over me any more than he already is.”_

“It’s part of the job description when you’re someone’s boyfriend, though,” she tells him, smiling when she hears a snort of laughter on his side of the line. “He cares about you, Killua. That’s why he’s worried.”

“ _I know that. It’s the same for me._ ”

“Then you should understand how he feels,” she says, frowning as she sniffles a bit. “You wouldn’t want to find out something about him from another person, would you?”

“…. _I guess not._ ”

“See? He wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to him.” She pauses, silent for a moment as she gathers her thoughts. She sucks in a breath when she finally makes sense of what she wants to ask, the question an odd one in itself- but she has to know. Just to be sure. She asks, “By the way…this is only a bit relevant, but you wouldn’t have sex with Gon even if you didn’t want to just because he asked, right?”

She breathes out and breathes in slowly, waiting for his reply.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

“ _Killua_.”

“ _I’m not gonna do that sort of thing, calm down,_ ” he tells her. The breath that had caught in her throat finds its way out into a sigh, leaving her relieved as she bows her head and closes her eyes. “ _I’m not_ that _much of a self-sacrificing idiot to go that far.”_

“Sorry,” she says, placing a hand over her eyes to try and soothe the sting of worry away. “I just…I just wanted to make sure.”

He laughs. Says, most likely with an amused smile, “ _You worry too much._ ”

(For a blink of a second, she thinks the sound comes out forced. There’s a crack in his voice when he speaks and it sounds and _tastes_ like a lie- but that’s not right.

She must have been hearing things.)

 

* * *

 

They’ve been alone together for a week now. They’d left Leorio’s to explore his hometown, which was far larger than he and Killua had thought. He’d initially felt bad that they left so soon, had even wondered if it was the right decision, but Leorio had urged him on by saying things like “You’re gonna need some time alone now that you’re together!” and “Kurapika and I agree that you two need some time to yourselves for…you know, the fun stuff. Okay, that was mostly just me, heh.”

 _Fun stuff, huh,_ he thinks to himself while shifting his grocery bags up until they’re hanging around his arms so he can open the door.

“You didn’t forget anything again, did you?” Killua asks as soon as he’s inside the hotel room, glancing up at him from his place on the floor with a raised brow. His profile is brightly lit by electricity, running up from the cord around his hand to the pale skin of his arm.

“I didn’t!” He grins as he heads for the bed right behind Killua. He sets the plastic bags down on the floor by the bedside table before dropping into a sitting position right behind Killua. Killua frowns in bemusement at him, before turning away to look at the socket he’d removed from the wall. “I’ve learned from my mistakes, you know,” he says as he scoots a bit closer to him.

“Mmhmm,” Killua hums absently, clearly not believing him. He doesn’t really mind it, since he _does_ make a couple of mistakes repeatedly even after a lot of tries. (He’s honestly gotten better at remembering stuff, though.)

“Hey, Killua,” he mumbles, voice a lot softer than the usual as he wraps his arms around Killua’s waist. There’s a little tingle when he presses forward, his chest into Killua’s back, and he smiles.

“Don’t _do_ that, you idiot! Move away!” Killua reprimands swiftly, looking a cross of concerned and annoyed as he tries to wiggle out of Gon’s hold.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt at all,” he says, tightening his hold enough around Killua that he can’t escape. He presses a kiss onto Killua’s bare nape, deliberate and careful, and Killua goes quiet. He pulls away for a moment and sees pale skin growing pink, right along Killua’s cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Cute,” he murmurs, grinning as he presses a kiss onto the junction between Killua’s neck and shoulder.

“Shut up,” Killua grumbles. His voice is soft and his shoulders are tense, as though he’s torn between moving away and leaning into Gon’s embrace.

“Mm.”

Killua tilts his head to the left, baring his neck to him. An excited feeling flutters from his stomach up to his chest and his pulse quickens, beating fast inside his chest, making him feel giddy as he presses another kiss onto Killua’s cool skin. “Hey,” he whispers, breath wafting onto Killua’s neck and making him shiver. “It’s okay, right?”

“What’s okay?” Killua asks, as if he doesn’t already know.

“Me kissing you,” he says, before pressing another kiss onto his shoulder. “Like this. Is it okay?”

“I’d have pushed you away already if I hated it,” Killua answers, words coming out in a mumble as he turns his head away.

“I know. But is it _okay_?” He raises his head, cheek pressing against white hair as he hugs Killua close. “Just because you hate it doesn’t mean that it’s fine. That it’s something you want.”

“You just want me to say that I _like_ it, you cheeky brat,” Killua grumbles, peeking back at him with a narrow-eyed gaze. “I’m letting you do it, aren’t I? Isn’t that enough?”

“No. It’s really not.” He sighs and Killua frowns at him, looking a lot like he’s confused at Gon’s insistence on the subject. “Maybe you’re just letting me because I want to, not because you’re really comfortable with it. That’s a possibility, Killua.”

“Yeah, well,” Killua mutters, sighing loudly as he squeezes the cords in one of his hands. “I want it. Okay?” He’s blushing a brighter red when he says it, his lips looking pouty as he frowns down at the open socket. “I…I like it, when you do that.” He groans as he bows his head and covers his face with his free hand. “ _God._ ”

“Ehehe.” He grins as he squeezes his arms around Killua’s waist. “It’s only embarrassing because you’re thinking about it too much. But that’s fine,” he hums as he rests his chin on Killua’s shoulder, “I like it when you’re like this.”

“You just think it’s fine because you get a kick out of embarrassing me.”

“Of course not! That’s mean and creepy.” He grins as he nuzzles into the crook of Killua’s neck and shoulder, making him huff out a laugh in response. “I just think that you look cute when you’re blushing the way you are now.”

“I’m _not_ blushing,” Killua says. It’s a blatant lie with how he covers the lower half of his face with his free hand, but Gon doesn’t mind it. Killua is just embarrassed, after all.

“I think you are,” he sing-songs, grinning when he feels Killua’s body trembling in his embrace. “There’s nothing wrong with blushing, _Ki-llu-a_ ,” he hums. He laughs when Killua pushes back against him out of annoyance. “Don’t be angry,” he says, nuzzling into Killua’s shoulder in that affectionate way he does that always makes Killua give in to him. “I just think that you’re cute. There’s nothing bad about that.”

“I’m taller than you and I can kill a man with my bare hands,” Killua deadpans. “I don’t see how I can be cute.”

“You just are.” He lowers his head to press a kiss onto Killua’s neck, feeling him tense against his lips out of surprise. “Very, very cute,” he whispers into pale skin, eyes closed, hoping that Killua understands that he’s so much more than just _cute._

“Idiot,” Killua mumbles. The corners of his lips are trembling when Gon chances a look at his face, though it’s not the sort of trembling that happens when he’s about to cry.

It’s the kind of tremble that happens whenever he’s trying his hardest to hide a smile.

“I know that I am. But I have you, so it’s fine,” he says, smiling when Killua tries and fails to hide a laugh at his words. “You’re smart enough for the both of us.”

“That’s not how this is supposed to work, Gon.”

“I think it works out, though. You do the thinking, I’ll do the doing.” He purses his lips when a thought pops up into his mind, not quite as sudden as it was expected. It was something he’d been thinking about since he saw Killua occupied with recharging himself, though he’d gotten a bit distracted along the way.

“Something up?” Killua asks, having noticed the frown on his face.

“There’s something I wanted to try.” He smiles. “If you’re okay with it, anyway.”

Killua squints at him through the corners of his eyes. “It’s not something stupid that’ll put us both in unnecessary danger, is it?”

“No, of course not!” He frowns at the accusation that he’d do something stupid like that. He’s changed in the years that they’ve been separated; he’s already promised himself that he _won’t_ put Killua through the same pain again. “I just wanted to try something that I’ve been practicing for a while. I need your consent, though.”

“My _consent?_ ” Killua asks incredulously, looking bewildered at the notion of Gon asking for his consent at all. “What do you even want to do that you need _my_ consent?”

“I want to give you a hickey,” he says frankly, smiling even when Killua starts gawping at him. “You’re okay with that, right?”

“Wh- wh- _what?_ ” Killua sputters, finally breaking away from Gon’s hold to press himself against the wall with the cord still held tightly in his hand. He’s completely red at this point, his mouth trembling as it opens and closes silently from sheer disbelief at Gon’s question. “ _Gon!_ What the hell?!”

“What?” He frowns when Killua keeps gaping at him like he’s grown a pair of wings on his back. “I really want to. I’m not lying.”

“But _why?_ ” Killua asks, sounding absolutely confused at the idea of Gon wanting to give him a hickey. “ _Where_ did you even get the idea? I haven’t seen you looking at anything questionable!”

“Well, actually,” he begins matter-of-factly, “I saw something about it once on the internet, so I decided to ask Leorio what it was.”

“You asked _Leorio?!_ Ugh,” Killua groans, looking completely done with him as he buries his face into his hand. “I can’t believe you. You’re so- _ugh._ ”

“But it’s a thing that couples do,” he huffs, crawling closer to Killua. Killua stares at him like he’s crazy, as though the very concept of him wanting to do something couples do is inconceivable. “You don’t want to?” he asks with his eyebrows drawn up in disappointment.

Killua blushes instead of giving an honest answer. Gon would have grinned but Killua presses his palm right into his face, stopping the smile from coming out as he asks, “How have you been practicing, anyway?”

“On my arms,” he answers once he’s pulled Killua’s hand away from his face. Killua blinks and stares at him like he’s the weirdest thing he’s ever seen. “What? There wasn’t anything else I could do!” he huffs. “I just wanted to get it right before I do it with you.”

“That you sound so sure of yourself makes me want to hit you, just so you know.”

Gon smiles at him. “Is that a yes?”

“ _Obviously,_ ” Killua grumbles, looking embarrassed as he turns his attention to his hand so he can untangle the cord from it. He sucks in a breath when he’s wrapped up into a hug without warning. Gon’s lips warm on his neck as he’s pulled closer into the embrace. “L-let go! I still need to get the cord off-”

“No,” he says with a stubborn shake of his head. He feels warm all over just being this close to Killua and he doesn’t completely understand why, but he thinks it’s because he loves him a lot. He _wants_ him. Wants him close, wants him safe, wants him just like this- in his arms, blushing, free hand gripping onto his shirt like it’s some sort of lifeline.

“Stupid- you’ll get yourself hurt if you don’t let me go,” Killua says, half-heartedly tugging at Gon’s shirt to pull him away.

“It’s fine,” he says, grinning as he presses a careful kiss onto the exposed skin of Killua’s shoulder. “I can do it like this.”

“ _Stubborn_ ,” Killua grumbles, his clenched fist on Gon’s shirt pushing him in instead of away this time. He rests his head onto the wall, neck bared to give Gon the space he needs. It sends a little thrill up his spine when he looks up, seeing Killua with his eyes closed in submission to whatever it is Gon wants to do with him.

 _I want you. So, so much,_ he thinks, not wanting to say it lest Killua pull away again. He opens his mouth against pale skin, sucks until he feels that it’s enough to form a bruise, before pulling away- but not completely. He trails kisses up Killua’s neck because he wants to, because he can, and teasingly nips right at his jaw.

“It doesn’t hurt, does it?” he asks against Killua’s jaw, his voice coming out weird when he talks.

“I think you’re forgetting just what I’m capable of,” Killua says, his voice calm that Gon would think he were unaffected- had it not been for the tight grip Killua had on his shirt. He presses a drawn-out kiss onto Killua’s jugular to feel it, his quickening pulse, and he smiles.

“I needed to make sure.” He moves a little lower this time, stopping in the junction between Killua’s neck and shoulder, before sucking another bruise onto pale skin. Killua doesn’t make a sound throughout the whole thing but he’s tense, chest pressing into Gon’s as he unknowingly tugs him close. “You know what it means, right?” he asks, breath warm on red-painted skin.

“What?”

“What this means, me giving you hickeys.”

Killua laughs and it’s weird, _Gon_ is weird, because the sound comes off breathy and it makes him feel strange right in his stomach. “I think I know,” Killua says, opening his hand on Gon’s back before closing it again, dragging dull nails over covered skin.

“Do you really?”

“Mm.” Killua sucks in a breath, catching his lower lip in his teeth when Gon sucks another bruise on his shoulder.

“What does it mean?”

“It means you’re selfish,” Killua says, smirking when Gon peeks up at him. “But you’ve always been like that.”

“I’ve changed, though,” he says, pressing feather-light kisses on the fresh bruises littered all over Killua’s neck and shoulder. “I’m not that selfish anymore. I won’t do anything stupid again.”

Killua’s smirk softens into a smile. A real one, this time. “Yeah,” he says, sounding a quiet kind of happy as he smoothes down the wrinkles he’d made on the back of Gon’s shirt. “I know.”

_Do you?_

_Do you really know?_

He raises his head and Killua blinks at him, before smiling in amusement. He raises his head obediently and meets Gon’s lips with his into a kiss, his eyes falling shut gradually in the way that it does when Killua knows that he’s safe, that he can trust the person he’s with enough to close his eyes. Gon’s chest grows tight when he notices it and he tugs Killua closer, not minding the little tingle he gets even as he hugs him close.

_Do you know how selfish I can be, just for you?_

 

* * *

 

“I guess we’ll have to just stick our clothes into the washing machine downstairs.”

“Mm,” Gon groans, not at all helping Killua when he tries to raise his arms to put his shirt on him.

“At least raise your arms on your own,” Killua says with a sigh of exasperation. He’s aware that he worked Gon hard when they trained in the forest, but he should _at least_ be capable of moving his body a bit. He isn’t _that_ harsh of a teacher, unlike a certain someone else. “Come on, Gon.”

“Nnn.” Gon whines, though he raises his arms anyway. Killua rolls his eyes at the show of childishness. Sure, he isn’t surprised that Gon can still be childish at his age- but he didn’t think that Gon would be whiny about training hard.

Or maybe it’s just because he lost to him.

“Put your shorts on yourself,” he says as he throws Gon’s shorts his way. Gon catches it with mild difficulty, before slipping into it with the towel still around his waist. He looks sluggish when he clumsily removes the towel around his waist and it makes Killua feel a bit guilty, making him think that maybe it’s _his_ fault. He only wanted to make sure that Gon wasn’t getting rusty with combat, but that he’d get tired like this…

He squeaks when he’s tugged forward into an embrace, Gon’s face pressing into his stomach because of his position while sitting on the bed. “What?” he asks, forgetting his guilt for a moment in favor of concern at Gon’s sudden affectionate gesture. “Gon?”

“You looked sad,” Gon mumbles while nuzzling into his stomach. “I don’t like it.”

“I- I wasn’t sad! You’re just seeing things because you’re exhausted,” he retorts, prying Gon away from him until the force of his pushing makes Gon fall back onto the bed with an “oof”. He shakes his head, willing away the warmth spreading on his cheeks as he steps away from the bed. “Just go to sleep. You need it.”

“Mmm,” Gon mumbles, before dragging himself up onto the bed until he’s lying fully on it.

He sighs at the ridiculous-looking sight, Gon sprawled on the bed with arms splayed out and feet hanging over the edge of the bed, and smiles to himself as he turns away to fold the laundry. Gon is tired because he did his best- not because he’d roughed him up too hard. If Gon had exerted less effort he’d be less tired, but he used what strength he had just to try and beat him. It’s not the first time they’d fought each other, nor the first time they’d done it seriously, but it’s been a long while…and Killua had known how to strategize with Gon as his opponent. He knows his fighting style too well, and Gon has only just gotten started on getting a feel of what he can do from the times they’ve been training.

“That’s done,” he murmurs to himself as he sets aside their laundry. He glances behind him to the sight of Gon still sprawled out with his arms thrown up, though his feet are properly on the bed now. He smiles, amused, coming closer with quiet steps only to say, “You look stupid, Gon.”

Silence.

A snore.

Killua huffs out a laugh, shaking his head as he carefully sits on the edge of the bed. “It was reckless, using sheer strength by the end just to try and beat me,” he says in a murmur, reaching out to gently run a hand through black locks. Gon smiles sleepily at the touch and Killua smiles back, feeling freer to do so now that Gon isn’t awake to notice him. “But you did well. You didn’t just use your fists for everything.”

He becomes silent, waiting for a reply that won’t come. He sighs as he shifts closer, resting his back onto the headboard before reaching out to lightly pat Gon’s hair. He doesn’t think as much as he _feels_ , just appreciating Gon’s warmth as he idly traces gentle circles over his temple with a thumb.

It’s pathetic, how he can’t bring himself to do this sort of thing when Gon is awake. Not in the way that he wants to. Gentle, warm, affectionate…it’s far too much for him to handle, even now. Gon is warmth and he is not; how could he even think of doing the same things that Gon can do so openly when he isn’t fit for it? When he isn’t someone _meant_ for such gentle things?

“I was angry,” he says, letting himself say what he couldn’t had Gon been awake, “when you let me go without so much as a proper apology.”

Gon doesn’t twitch, breathing in a level way that says he’s still sleeping. So he goes on, fingers tangling in black tufts, “But I could never hate you. I was angry, and I wanted to punch you, but I…I never hated you. I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way.” He licks his lips, feeling his throat go dry at his own confession as he breathes in slowly. “You were…you _are_ light. You brought me out of the darkness and you didn’t even know it. You just thought that it was great, to have a new friend.” He laughs and it feels sad, as sad as it had felt when he realized that he’d have to let Gon go even though he didn’t want to. Would _never_ want to.

“You were more to me than that. You’ve always been more.” He breathes in, slow and sure, trying to ease the constricting feeling around his chest. He says, distractedly toying with black locks, “I didn’t want to leave you. I never wanted to. Even when I knew that it wouldn’t help you, and even when I knew that I’d only bring more harm than good…I didn’t want to. I wanted to be by your side for as long as possible. For as long as you wanted me.” He blinks and his vision goes blurry, letting him know that tears were forming unbidden in his eyes. He wipes at his eyes before he can cry, and says, “I loved you. I still do. I would have died for you, if that was what it took to be able to stay by your side.”

Gon still doesn’t move. He’s breathing softly, looking comfortable where he is as he makes a little sound and leans into Killua’s touch. Killua smiles and his vision goes blurry again, though he doesn’t wipe at his eyes this time. If crying is what it takes to relieve the tightness of his chest, then he’ll do it. He has to, if he doesn’t want to explode on Gon. “I still wonder if I deserve this,” he says, breathes out the words like he’s letting go of something heavy. “Having you with me, being happy like this. I still wonder just how long it’ll take before you leave again.”

The tears are warm on his cheeks and he smiles, pressing his lips tightly together so that a sob doesn’t escape. He breathes out once he feels that he’ll be fine, that he won’t cry too loudly, and he says, “I want to be honest. I _want_ to. But you make it hard for me, Gon. You make it difficult because I _know_ that you’ll just become more worried. I don’t want to burden you.” He sniffles and the tears fall quietly, trickling wetly down his cheeks. “I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do something to help me. I don’t want you to think that it would be better to leave than to stay.”

He bows his head, clenching his eyes shut as he breathes in shakily. He tries to stay calm but it’s impossible; his chest heaves and he whimpers before he can stop it. It’s _hard_ , trying to hold it in when he’s already started letting go. Even if Gon is asleep and he can’t hear anything, even if he still doesn’t know just how Killua feels about him, about everything…that he can _say_ everything now is already more than he’d ever thought he could do.

“I’m sorry.”

He blinks at the sound of Gon’s voice, turning to look at him and expecting a sleeping face. Yet he’s met with the sight of Gon looking at him, crying, his hand reaching out to grip Killua’s own. “I’m sorry,” Gon says in a whimper, pulling Killua’s hand down from his hair so he can press his lips against bruised knuckles. “I’m so sorry.”

“Gon…”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Gon says, _begs,_ brown eyes clenched shut as he cries into Killua’s hand. “I love you, Killua. I love you, and I- I don’t want this. I don’t want you sad.” He struggles to sit up, wincing when he moves his leg in the wrong way, before pulling Killua into a hug once he’s pulled himself up. “I don’t _want_ you to feel like you can’t rely on me.”

“Gon, that’s not- that’s not what-” he hiccups, not being able to continue as he buries his face in Gon’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just-“

“ _Killua._ ”

He sobs, shoulders shaking with the force of it. He doesn’t know if he wants this, doesn’t know if it’s better to have Gon know everything, but it feels _freeing_. “I’m sorry,” he whimpers into Gon’s shoulder, his hands coming around Gon’s waist to clutch onto his shirt. “ _I’m sorry._ ”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Gon says with a sniffle, his own arms tight around Killua’s waist as he holds him close. He feels warm and safe and it _hurts_ , because what would even happen to him if this disappeared again? If _Gon_ disappeared again?

What would happen, now that he knows just what it feels like to have Gon love him back?

“I love you,” he says, whispers in a prayer into Gon’s shoulder. He’s been holding back, holding things in for so long that being honest like this hurts; his chest is tight and his throat is dry just from how hard he’s trying to let the words out. But he doesn’t stop, even if it’s getting harder to breathe. He _can’t_ , not now. “I love you.” He breathes in and his heart stutters, making him cry a little harder as he hides his face in the crook of Gon’s neck and shoulder. “I don’t want you to leave me again.”

“I won’t,” Gon promises. He sounds so sure of it, so certain that he’ll never leave, and it makes something in Killua break because he _means_ it. “I promise, Killua. I won’t leave you.”

“You don’t know what will happen. You _can’t be sure-_ ”

“I can be. For you,” Gon says, pulling away to cup Killua’s cheeks. Gon moves his thumbs to wipe away the tears in the corners of his eyes, before saying with a lopsided smile, “If it’s for you, I can do it.”

He laughs because it’s ridiculous. He laughs because he _believes_ it, even though he knows that things can change. That he can change, that Gon could change- that something could prevent him from keeping his promise.

“You sound so sure about that,” he says, moving his hands away from Gon’s back to wipe at his own tears. He quivers when Gon hugs him tightly again, the tears not stopping even as he breathes in deeply to calm himself. He _wants_ to believe it. He wants to believe in Gon, that he’ll never leave, because what else could he believe in than him?

“Because I know that I won’t leave. Not willingly, anyway.” He hears Gon’s grin through the tone of his voice and he smiles, giggling into Gon’s shirt because he doesn’t know what else to do. “I want to be with you too, Killua. I don’t want you to leave, _ever_.”

“Yeah?” he asks, as if he doesn’t know that Gon would reassure him.

“You already said that you love me,” Gon says, his voice warm and comforting against Killua’s ear. “I’m not letting you go again, not after everything.”

He huffs out a laugh, already giving up on wiping at his tears as he buries his face in Gon’s shoulder. “You’ll have to remind me of that every once in a while. Think you can handle it?”

“Of course! Who do you think I am?” He feels the rumble of Gon’s chest when he laughs and he grins, wrapping his arms around Gon’s back again to hug him tightly. “I don’t mind if I have to remind you every day. So long as you’re with me, and so long as I can make you happy, then I’ll definitely be okay.” Gon hugs him back, his arms warm and reassuring against his waist even with how much larger they are compared to his own, and he lets out a sigh. Gon’s arms are much stronger, more muscled than his own, made larger through training just like Gon is- how Gon has _always been._ Physically, he certainly wasn’t bigger before- but he himself was larger than life, something that Killua didn’t think he could touch or have by his side, just because of how _bright_ he was.

Gon says something into his ear and he shivers before he can comprehend the full meaning of it, the tone of Gon’s voice having distracted him before the words could sink into his mind. Yet he’d nodded anyway, his body having agreed with what had been said before his mind could catch up.

(Later, when he’s close to slumber with Gon by his side, he’ll think about it. He’ll wonder if it were only a dream, having heard those words, because they certainly don’t feel real.)

Gon had asked- _said_ , smile and all when he’d pressed his lips against Killua’s ear,

“After all, you’re mine now, right?”


	11. center of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ton of thank yous to [Gee Writes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightjinx/pseuds/Gee%20Writes) for being such an awesome friend and putting up with me while I whined and whinged about this chapter, ahaha. 
> 
> Also, to the people who left me messages on one of my tumblr posts (you guys know who you are): THANK YOU SO MUCH. Goddang. I'm really thankful for the support!! Bless you guys ;;; <3
> 
> Chapter title is based on Chris August's song, [Center of It.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqoU6V86AkY)
> 
> Prompts:   
> 51\. You just missed it!  
> 52\. If they did it right, it would take only about six minutes.  
> 53\. I already told you why I can't make it to breakfast with you.  
> 54\. If it didn't stop soon, he'd never get to sleep.  
> 55\. It was as if the cat just appeared out of nowhere.

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“You _know_ what.”

“I don’t think I do.”

Gon giggles when Killua slaps the back of his hand against his shoulder. “ _Gon._ ”

“Alluka won’t mind,” he says, closing his eyes as he nuzzles his nose into the crook of Killua’s neck and shoulder. He doesn’t budge from where he is despite Killua’s complaints, keeping his palm flat on Killua’s chest as he breathes his scent in. There’s a steady beat under his palm, drumming softly into his skin, which lets him know that Killua is alive.

“That’s because she’s just as bad as you,” Killua retorts, a faked kind of angry as he slumps into Gon’s embrace.

“Alluka isn’t bad, though. Neither am I.”

Killua peeks up at him. “Hm,” Killua hums, gaze turning thoughtful as he looks to the side and away from him. “I wonder.”

“You wouldn’t love us if we were bad,” he says, though that’s probably a lie. Killua could love him and Alluka even if they did horrible things, and he has proof of that. Out of everyone that Gon knows, that Gon has befriended through his long journey to find Ging, Killua has always been the only one who could accept every part of him, be it the good or the bad sides.

“I love you because you’re you,” Killua says, unusually honest as he taps his finger on the arrow up button on the keyboard of his laptop. Gon can’t tell if he’s really re-reading their conversation with Alluka, or he’s doing it to look casual with what he just said. “I already told you, you’re light. You’re inherently good, and any mistakes you make won’t mean that you’re bad. The same goes for Alluka, obviously.”

“…mm.”

Killua makes a tiny sound of confusion at his lack of a decent reply. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s not _nothing_ ,” Killua insists, trying to pull away from Gon’s embrace to look at him, only to grunt in surprise when he’s squeezed tightly against Gon’s chest. “G-Gon?”

“I’m happy,” he mumbles into Killua’s back.

“Huh?”

He peeks up with the lower half of his face still hidden, not wanting Killua to see how red his face looks just from hearing those words about him. He can’t help it! That Killua could say that sort of thing so easily when he can’t even say “I love you” is something he still hasn’t gotten used to, and for good reason. How can it even make sense for Killua to be embarrassed about Gon’s honesty when he can talk like Gon means the world to him so easily? It’s weird!

“You make me happy, Killua,” he admits, hiding his face again as he hugs Killua close.

“Why are you-”

“I really wonder,” he says, not minding Killua’s embarrassed sputtering as he lowers his arms until they’re wrapped around Killua’s waist. “How can Killua say that I’m light so easily when he can’t even say that he loves me?”

Killua blushes, looking like he’s trying not to pout as he says, “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” Gon hums with a shake of his head, the movement making his forehead rub against Killua’s back. “I just wish I could hear you say that you love me more.”

“ _Why?”_

“Because I like it,” he says, tone firm as he stares down at Killua’s back. “What’s so weird about that?”

“…nothing, I guess.” Killua sighs and Gon feels it with the forward movement of his back. “I should say it more often, huh?”

“Nn,” he hums in the negative with a shake of his head. “You don’t _have_ to. I just want you to.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

He shakes his head furiously, holding back a smile when he feels the rumble of Killua’s laughter against his forehead. “You’re not making sense, Gon,” Killua huffs.

“I want you to say it because you want to. Not just because _I_ want to. It won’t mean anything if you don’t want to do it.”

“Then, I love you.”

He looks up at that. Blinking wide brown eyes and staring at Killua like he’s something wonderful, he thoughtlessly blurts out, “…huh?”

Killua laughs again and he looks _beautiful_ , though Gon can’t tell if the intensity of how pretty he looks is because of the sunlight filtering through the tree leaves they’re sitting under or if it’s because it’s _Killua_.

“I love you, you selfish and reckless idiot. Is that good enough for you?”

“Do you-”

“I mean it, obviously. I wouldn’t lie to you about that sort of thing.”

“Mm,” he grumbles, hiding his face in Killua’s shoulder again.

He doesn’t have to look up to know that Killua is smiling. He probably looks cute doing it too, though he’s always cute anyway. Really, he’d be annoyed at Killua making fun of him if he weren’t feeling giddy at Killua’s odd show of honesty.

“It’s cute that you’re embarrassed.”

“Only because I get to embarrass you more.”

“Cheeky brat,” Killua says with a laugh, somehow managing to ruffle Gon’s hair with one hand despite their current position.

“I really am happy, though.”

Killua sighs. Gon looks up once he feels that he’s okay, that he’s not flushed red anymore, and bites back a wide smile when he sees Killua smiling softly to himself. “I know.”

“Do you?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Do you really?”

“ _Yes,_ ” Killua says with an exasperated sigh, leaning back into Gon with enough force that he leans back too. “Will you stop asking me that?”

“I just wanted to be sure.”

“One question should be enough.”

“You know that it’s not, Killua.”

There’s silence, until Killua lets out a soft sigh of acceptance. “…sorry,” he mumbles, pulling his hand away from his laptop to clench it on his lap.

“I told you, it’s fine,” Gon assures Killua with an affectionate nuzzle against his neck. “What’s not fine is if you keep hiding things from me.”

“…okay.”

Gon blinks, cocking his head to one side in confusion. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Killua repeats, as though that’s supposed to make sense. “I won’t do that anymore.”

“…eh?”

“You don’t like it, right? Me hiding things from you.”

Gon says, hesitant, “Well, no…”

“Then I’ll try. _But,_ ” Killua punctuates with a narrow-eyed gaze turned his way, “you need to make sure you can handle it.”

“Handle it? What do you-”

“ _Promise_ that you can handle whatever I tell you. That you won’t complain, or get angry at whatever I say.”

Gon blinks. “But…I don’t get it.”

Killua sighs, says with a roll of his eyes, “Just promise, Gon.”

“Ehh, wait a minute,” Gon complains, looking confused as he pulls his arms away to let Killua face him completely. “Why are you telling me that?”

“ _Because._ Do you want me to try being honest or not?” Killua asks, looking annoyed at not being given a quick answer.

“Of course I do! But only if it’s okay with you,” he says, frowning as he puts both of his hands down on the ground in front of him, his shoulders hunching up with the motion. “Anyway, why does it sound like you’re hiding a lot of things I wouldn’t want to hear?” He pauses, thinking on it with furrowed brows and pursed lips, until he pales at a certain thought. “Are you…are you _cheating-_ ”

Killua gawps instantly at the insinuation, interrupting him with, “No! What the hell?!”

“You said I couldn’t get angry!”

“Because you give in to your emotions easily!”

“So what if I do!”

“I don’t want you getting angry when I tell you about the things that my family has done to me!”

Gon blinks. Slowly, painfully, the reminder that Killua didn’t grow up in a normal family comes back to him. He’d forgotten far too easily because of how _good_ Killua is at acting okay, at how well he handles himself, but that’s…probably because of all the training he’s gone through, isn’t it? “I…but…”

“They’re my family,” Killua says, voice softer this time. “They trained me using methods you’d hate. You’d probably get angry if I told you about all the things they’ve made me do.”

“But why can’t I get angry?” Gon says, not understanding the logic in Killua’s request. “They _hurt_ you-”

“I wouldn’t be who I am without them,” Killua interrupts with a firm look, unwavering in his belief that Gon shouldn’t get angry for his sake. “I wouldn’t have met _you_ , and I wouldn’t have been able to stay by your side if I were anyone else- if I were _weaker_.”

“That’s not true!”

“It’s _true_ no matter how you look at it.”

Gon frowns. “Killua…”

Killua sighs and shakes his head as he turns away from Gon to check on the laptop again. Somehow, just the sight of Killua’s back is enough to make Gon feel guilty for complaining about his request. “See? If it’s just going to be like this, then-”

“Okay.”

Killua stops mid-type, shoulders tense as he keeps his back to Gon. “…what?”

Gon nods just as Killua looks back at him, probably looking really serious from how Killua is staring oddly at him. “Okay. I won’t complain, or get angry.”

Killua frowns. “Are you sure?”

He nods again. “Yes, I’m sure.” Then he smiles, scooting forward so he can hug Killua again. Killua makes a tiny noise of surprise at having been captured in Gon’s embrace again, though he doesn’t struggle to get away like he did before. “I want to know everything about you. It’s better that I know about the sad things so I can make up for it, right?” he says, leaning back to grin widely at Killua.

Killua blinks at his words. “Make up for it..?”

“Nn!” He nods vigorously, grin still in place as he says as a promise, “I’ll definitely make you happy!”

Killua flushes bright red at his words, blinking wide eyes at him as he stares in disbelief. “You-“ he sputters, lips trembling, “you’re too full of yourself!”

“ _Why’s that, onii-chan?_ ”

_Thump._

“Ow!”

“Nothing!” Killua says, somehow managing to regain his composure as he turns his attention to Alluka’s video call. He completely ignores how Gon is groaning on the floor behind him, having been accidentally(?) socked in the stomach by Killua when he’d been pushed away. “You just missed Gon being embarrassed about something.”

“ _Eh, really? That’s too bad…_ ”

“Don’t believe him, Allu- ack!”

Killua grins, teeth bared as he keeps a foot on Gon’s hip, only a few inches away from a place that would hurt intensely if hit. Gon swallows back a squeak, freezing where he is when Killua turns that grin to him. “You wanted to say something?”

“Ye- ow!”

“ _Onii-chan, what happened?_ ”

“Gon hurt himself a bit,” Killua says, smiling innocently as he turns his attention back to Alluka. “Don’t worry, he’s fine.”

Gon cringes at the blatant lie, struggling not to groan any louder as he rolls over on the blanket they’d set on the floor for their little picnic. His privates are still intact, thankfully enough, but his hip is _smarting_ from how Killua had pressed down on it.

 _But,_ he thinks to himself, rolling over one more time until he’s on his stomach and he has a good view of Killua smiling at Alluka through the webcam, _it’s nothing compared to everything Killua has gone through._

(Besides, the “I love you”s are definitely more than enough payment for the pain.)

 

* * *

 

 

“If we do this right, it won’t take longer than six minutes, he said,“ Killua grouses, looking annoyed as he tries and fails to wipe away the sticky mess on his face. “It’ll be _fun_ , he said.”

“Well, it is sort of fun?” Gon says, grinning cheekily as he sets the bowl full of sweet stuff on the counter. He reaches a hand out to Killua’s cheek and Killua closes his eyes, thinking that Gon will try to remove the mess for him. He probably knows better on how to fix this sort of thing, since he’s already used to cooking food for himself and for his family.

He’s not wrong. He just doesn’t expect that Gon would clean him up with his _tongue._

“Gon, what-”

He makes a sound of complaint when Gon keeps him close with an arm around his waist despite his attempt at pushing him away. “Cleaning you up, obviously,” Gon says with innocent eyes and a smile, like _licking someone’s face_ is the normal thing to do.

“Gross,” he grumbles, sniffing in disdain at Gon who laughs despite being pushed away.

“It’s not gross if it’s you,” Gon hums. He picks up his bowl and starts mixing again, not looking like he’s having a hard time with it at all as he whistles a little tune under his breath.

“That doesn’t make sense,” he snaps. He wets one of the towels on the counter with faucet water before using it to wipe the mess off of his face. It doesn’t completely wash away the sticky feeling, but it’s good enough for now. (It’s certainly _better_ than being cleaned up with saliva.)

“It tastes delicious, so.”

“It better.” Killua huffs as he pours more of the condensed milk into his bowl. He cradles the bowl in his arms once he’s done, before slowly and carefully mixing everything with the spoon he’d already used before. “It’d be weird if I messed it up when we’re using the same ingredients.”

“Well, it probably tastes great because I tasted you too- _ow!_ ” Gon cries, having been hit right on the head with a flying cutting board. “That hurt, Killua!”

“Sh-shut up! It’s your fault!” Killua sputters, intent on not letting Gon see his face as he turns away while still mixing the ingredients inside his bowl. _How_ can Gon even say such things without getting embarrassed? It’s one thing to joke about it, but the serious look on his face….it’s really unnerving!

“Well, you do taste good.” Gon laughs as he dodges the extra spoon that Killua throws his way. “It’s bad to be so violent, Killua! I’m just saying that you taste deli- ow!” he groans when Killua kicks out a foot to his side. “ _Killuaaa,”_ he whines, a hand rubbing at his side as he keeps his bowl on one arm.

“Stop saying that!” he scolds, trying to will away the heat on his cheeks as he turns to glare at Gon. It’s a futile effort, but at least he’s _trying._ “It’s- it’s embarrassing, alright? That sort of thing isn’t something you say with a serious face!”

“Then…what sort of face should I make?” Gon asks, looking oddly curious about such a stupid topic. “Even though I really am serious.”

“You- _argh._ ” Killua groans, stopping short of slamming the bowl onto the table when he sets it down. Unbelievable. Gon is _unbelievable._ How high is his level of shamelessness that he can be so serious about such ridiculous things? “Just don’t _say_ it. Why can’t you understand that?”

“But,” Gon grumbles, lips pursed as he looks down at his bowl. He starts mixing again, even though he looks less energetic than before while doing it. “I’m just being honest. And, well,” he says, expression brightening up a bit as he smiles at Killua, “I like seeing you so flustered about that sort of thing too, so.”

“You are _incorrigible.”_

“You love me anyway,” Gon teases, grinning brightly when Killua sends a weak glare his way. “Right?”

“Obviously,” Killua huffs. He’s probably pouting by now, and Gon has noticed it too but just isn’t saying anything about it. _Annoying,_ Killua thinks to himself, worrying at his lower lip as he finishes mixing the condensed milk and powdered milk in his bowl.

“Are you angry?” Gon asks.

“Irritated,” Killua answers, letting out a deep exhale as he sets his bowl back on the counter. “But not angry.” He looks to the side and laughs when he sees Gon holding up a fist. “Idiot,” he says affectionately, smiling as he bumps his fist against Gon’s. “As if that sort of thing would really make me angry.”

Gon smiles at his words. “I know. Doesn’t hurt to make sure, though.”

“You’re still too full of yourself,” Killua says, huffing out a laugh at Gon’s certainty.

“Not really,” Gon says with a shake of his head. “I just see things as they are.”

“Sure you do.” Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s wide grin. “You’re cheeky as hell no matter how you look at it.”

“Am I?” Gon asks, grinning to himself as he puts out one of their rectangular plastic containers and fills it up with sugar.

“I’m ignoring that question.”

“Mean, Killua.”

Killua rolls his eyes at Gon’s pout. “Not really,” he mumbles, watching as Gon makes spheres out of their semi-solid milk mix. He does the same once he’s sure that his mix is fine, letting his thoughts wander as he sets aside the milk spheres on a separate container.

It’s quiet for a while as they work. He does a bit faster than Gon, surprisingly, and he grins to himself. He’d only needed a little bit of time to get used to it, after all. “The white stuff makes it look weird when you make a mess, huh?” he jokes, pushing the container to Gon’s half of the counter. He licks up the mess on his fingers, sucking up what couldn’t be licked away as he grabs the towel he’d wet before to wet it again.

Gon shrugs, his gaze flitting to Killua’s side before turning back to the counter. He’s only just finished rolling up the milk mix into little balls when he places the container only half filled with sugar in front of him. “Maybe,” he hums, not really laughing at what was supposed to be a joke as he starts rolling some of the milk balls into the sugar. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Boring,” Killua tuts. It would’ve been funnier if they’d been at Leorio’s instead of this hotel they’re staying at together. Gon doesn’t really get these sorts of jokes as much as Leorio would have. _Because he doesn’t care about that sort of thing_ , Killua thinks, chancing a peek up at Gon’s profile.

 _Or maybe not_ , he thinks again, gaze darting back to the counter as soon as he gets a glimpse of the look on Gon’s face. He’d looked weird. Quiet, distracted- or was it focused?-, a little bit like an animal waiting for its prey to come out. But that’s not right. Gon only ever looks like that when he’s getting ready to fight someone.

He shakes it off, blinking away the image of Gon looking strange.

He was probably just seeing things because of the weird lighting in their hotel room, anyway.

 

* * *

 

 

“The answer is no.” A pause. “I said _no._ I’m not going.” Killua laughs wryly, a subtle sort of sadness painting his face as he chews on his lower lip. “This is final. I won’t answer any other calls from _you_ or anyone else in the family about this.” He sighs and it’s long, drawn out, as though he’s had enough of dealing with the same thing over and over again.

Would Killua hide this expression if he came into the room? Would he pretend that he’s fine, even though he’s not?

It scares him, thinking about the many things that Killua has hidden from him before. He knows that it isn’t because of a lack of trust, but because Killua isn’t used to it. Gon understood that his inclination to secrecy was because it was something instilled into him as a child; it wasn’t something that could be dropped or changed easily just because Gon or anyone else said so.

A younger him wouldn’t have understood the full notion of it, probably thinking that it could be changed with time and determination. What he would have failed to comprehend then would be the importance of Killua’s consent in changing. If Killua did not want to, what was the use in helping him get used to being honest?

“Goodbye,” Killua’s teeth click when he says so, the frown prominent on his lips as he lowers the phone to press “End Call” on it. He sighs.

“I didn’t take you to be one to eavesdrop, Gon,” Killua says, voice loud enough that it lets Gon know that Killua has known he was there the whole time.

He blushes, laughs nervously at the realization that he wasn’t as sneaky as he’d thought he was. “Sorry,” he mumbles, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him.

“S’fine.” Killua sighs again, the sound coming off less heavily this time as he scoots back until he’s leaning back on the headboard of their bed. He pats the space beside him and Gon follows obediently, a sheepish smile on his face as he plops down right next to him. “The family was just being annoying, as per usual.”

“Have they been calling you often?” he asks. He smiles when Killua lets himself fall over onto his side, his head landing gently on Gon’s lap. He idly runs his fingers through silver-white hair, humming softly all the while as he waits for an answer.

“Sort of, yeah,” Killua admits with pursed lips and furrowed brows. “First it was the messenger hawk, then a flurry of letters- that I burned, obviously,” he says with a huff, “then _this._ They probably just want me back to piss me off.”

“Why are they calling, anyway?” he asks, curious.

“For a breakfast party. I think it was my parent’s anniversary,” Killua grumbles, rubbing at his face with the heel of his palm. “I don’t want to go back for that, especially…especially when I know that Alluka still isn’t welcome.”

“Hm,” Gon hums, still running his fingers through white tufts. “Well, I don’t want to let you go without me either.”

“What are you, my plus one?” Killua says, laughing when he looks up to the sight of Gon’s grinning face. “Idiot. I don’t even know if they’d let you in with what I pulled the last time I was there.”

“They’d have to,” he insists, smiling at the incredulity written all over Killua’s face. “Since I’m special to you, right?”

“Your conceitedness knows no bounds, huh,” Killua drawls, one eyebrow raised in response to Gon’s words. “They’d probably do something _because_ you’re important to me. You know how my family works. And with Gotoh gone,” his voice trails away into silence with a lip tremble, letting Gon know just how important Gotoh was to him without words.

He frowns and closes his eyes, squeezing them shut and wishing with every trailing touch on silver-white hair that the sadness would be wiped away from Killua’s face. He smiles because it’s something he knows to do, something that he knows will help. He says, a little bit of teasing in his tone as he bows his head to look right into blue eyes, “You still have to introduce me as your boyfriend, though.”

“Wh- as if I’d do that!” Killua sputters, sitting up instantly while pushing his face away with two hands. “They’d _kill_ me! And you!”

“No they wouldn’t,” he says with a grin, quickly pulling Killua back before he can get away. He laughs when Killua presses a hand into his cheek in his struggle to remove himself from Gon’s hold. “Just let me hug you, Killua!”

“ _Ugh_ ,” Killua groans, hiding his face in his open palms as he slumps into Gon’s embrace. “You don’t know my family like I do, Gon.”

“Well, I think I know them well enough from the stories you’ve told me about them.” He sighs as he nuzzles into fluffy white tufts. “They love you a lot, though in a weird way. I don’t think they’d kill you for finding someone you can be happy with.” He pauses, before adding with a lilting tone, “ _Me,_ though…”

“Exactly! They’d kill _you._ ”

“Not you, though.” He laughs when he gets a glimpse of Killua making a face in response. “Don’t worry, Killua. I think I can handle it better than I did last time.”

“Uh-huh, sure you can,” Killua drawls, tone mocking as he folds his arms over his chest. “You talk as if you’re strong enough to handle my family.”

“Maybe not,” he hums, propping his chin on top of Killua’s head. “Not yet, anyway. It won’t be long before I grow stronger since I have a great partner to spar with, though.”

“Your determination is something else.”

“It’s my greatest trait,” he says with a proud grin.

“Sure is,” Killua says with a sigh and a roll of his eyes. “It’s probably the only thing you’ve got going for you.”

“Probably.” Gon shrugs. He pauses for a bit, humming to himself in thought, before he says, “Does this mean it’s okay for me to meet your family again once I’m strong enough?”

“…eh? No, wait,” Killua says, scrambling to sit on his knees away from Gon’s embrace.  “That’s not what I meant when I said that!”

“But it was implied,” Gon huffs, folding his arms over his chest. He frowns at Killua’s evident panicking at his suggestion.  “It’s important to introduce myself to your family as your boyfriend, you know.”

“B-boyfriend- no! That’s a ridiculous idea!” Killua complains in a sputter, looking flustered at the very suggestion as he waves both of his hands in the negative. “You’re going to get us both _killed_ if we go, Gon!”

“That’s why I said that we should go once I’m strong enough,” Gon explains, head cocking to the side in confusion at Killua’s blatant dislike towards the idea. “Are you ashamed of me, Killua?”

“What- no! Of course not,” Killua says quickly, blushing as he shakes his head. Gon bites back a pleased grin at Killua’s embarrassment. “It’s- I just don’t think it’s a good idea, is all.”

“Ehhh.”

“Don’t _ehhh_ me, Gon,” Killua says, lips pursing in annoyance as he squints at Gon’s pouty expression. “You’ve already gone through the gates; _you_ should know how hard it is. You’re lucky they went easy on you at all.”

“Well, yeah,” he says, frowning at the idea. It _was_ true, though. They’d only gotten through the gates because Zebro-san helped them train. He sighs. “But…”

“No buts,” Killua huffs, apparently done with the conversation when he stands up from the bed to head for the door. “I’m gonna go out for a walk.”

“Ah,” Gon perks up at that. “Can I come with you?”

“Only if you’re fast enough,” Killua taunts, a sly smirk on his face as he shuts the door behind him. Gon blinks at those words but hops to his feet immediately, practically stumbling on his way to open the door. _He wouldn’t have used his nen, right?_   he wonders, getting the feeling from Killua’s taunting that he _would_ have used his nen. He looks out the door, turning his gaze from the left to the right, and laughs when he realizes that Killua _did_ mean it when he’d taunted him. The one evidence that he had that Killua used his nen at all were the little sparks of lightning left in his dust, which only meant that he’d have to work hard to catch up.

 _So it’s a race now, huh?_ he thinks with a grin, shutting the door behind him with a _click_ before he sets out in a run.

It’s more fun when he’s with Killua after all. And, he hopes, it’s the same for Killua when it comes to him.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Ah._  

Killua swallows when he feels Gon’s arms sliding around his waist, wrapping loosely enough that he isn’t uncomfortable but tight enough that he feels Gon’s heat around him. Comfortable. Uncomfortable. Which is it? He breathes slowly, trying to calm himself down as he closes his eyes. It’s _Gon_ , so what reason would he have to be uncomfortable?

“Killua?”

His name comes out in a whisper from Gon’s lips, tickling his ear with warm breath. He holds back the shiver threatening to show itself and hums, playing nonchalant, not certain that he’d be able to sound calm if he spoke any words out loud.

“Are you okay?” And Gon shifts, pressing closer, close enough that Killua feels Gon’s chest pressing warmly against his back. The warmth he emits contrasts the cool breeze billowing the curtains of their lone window and it makes him feel strange, almost like he’s sensitive to every touch and accidental brush of Gon’s skin against his.

_I want to run. I want to-_

“Killua.”

“Wh-what?” he blurts out in surprise at hearing Gon’s voice so close to his ear. He curses himself internally at the stutter, hating the show of weakness, but is stopped- derailed- from his thoughts when he feels Gon hugging him even closer. He feels hot and he wants to leave but it’s stupid, childish, because he should have expected this. Gon didn’t grow up like he did, after all. He’s still normal in his own way, despite the strange things he’s capable of doing. And normal people want intimacy, kisses, touching- _more_ , because what is a human without wanting to be with someone they love in this way?

“You don’t sound like you’re fine. Are you sick?” Gon asks.

“No, I’m fine,” he insists, sighing in that exasperated way that he does whenever Gon suggests something stupid to him. “Go to sleep, Gon.”

“But,” Gon says, the pout clear in the tone of his voice as he nuzzles his nose into Killua’s neck. Gon has done this before, often enough that Killua had thought he’d gotten used to the feeling- but it’s different, this time. For some reason, it is.

_Because I know that he expects something from me._

“Talk to me, Killua,” Gon says. His tone is soothing, assuring, making him lose what tension there was in his shoulders. He laughs and the sound comes off dry, almost like he’s on the verge of crying even though he’s not. _How stupid._

“I am.”

“No, you’re not. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“And there’s something _you’re_ not telling me,” he says, turning around until he’s facing Gon completely. Gon’s arms don’t shift despite his movement, which leaves his arms still wrapped around Killua’s waist. The touch is both comforting and not, because he knows that there’s always a natural progression to things. If he were _normal_ , he’d understand it. He’d want it. Just like Gon does.

But he doesn’t.

“What?” Gon asks, like he wasn’t texting Palm just a few days ago on matters regarding sex.

“You were texting Palm,” he begins, unblinking as he watches Gon’s pursed lips changing into a pout.

“Yeah, I was…”

“About sex.”

Gon blinks. “You read through my texts?”

Killua sighs loudly at how Gon focused on the wrong thing. Of course. What else did he expect from Gon? “ _No._ Palm told me. I answered her call for you because you were busy relieving yourself.”

“…oh.”

Killua rolls his eyes at the tiny frown on Gon’s face. “Yeah, _oh_. When did you plan to tell me that you wanted to?”

“I…don’t actually know.” Gon says with a sheepish grin, removing his arm from under Killua to scratch at his cheek. “It’s not like I especially wanted to, it’s just- I thought _you’d_ want to, maybe. Since. You know. You keep making a lot of jokes.”

Killua blinks. _He_ was the reason for Gon asking Palm about it? “Huh?”

“I just wanted to be prepared! That’s all it was,” Gon says, smiling as he slides his other arm away from Killua’s waist.

Killua flushes when he feels that hand moving up to touch his palm, cool fingers sliding into the space between Killua’s own. “So you…you don’t want to?” he asks hesitantly, squeezing his hand around Gon’s.

Gon shrugs, his bright smile returning nigh instantly as he squeezes Killua’s hand back. “I don’t really care about it. So long as I can be with you, anything is fine. Though I _guess_ I’m a bit interested, since a lot of people keep making a fuss about it,” he confesses with a sheepish smile. His thumb traces circles on the back of Killua’s hand, soothing and comforting despite how _ridiculous_ Killua was in assuming things about Gon. “Is that what you were worried about, Killua?” Gon asks sotto voce, his smile a gentle one as he squeezes Killua’s hand in his.

Killua flushes at being read so easily. “…yeah,” he admits, voice just as soft. “It’s not that I hate the idea of doing it with you. I just didn’t think I’d ever do that sort of thing, and,” his voice trails away into silence, before returning with, “it’s not something I’ve ever actively thought about. I could do it with you, probably, but it’s…it’s not something I’m particularly interested in doing.”

“That’s okay,” Gon tells him, making him feel even warmer both inside and out when he presses a kiss against silver-white hair. “It’s not like I really want to, either. I only asked Palm to be sure that I won’t be clueless about anything if you ever wanted to do it.” He smiles and Killua feels it, the loud thumping inside his chest, making him bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself in check. “We can try it once, just to see if it’ll work? But we don’t have to if you don’t really want it.”

“I think I can handle doing it once,” he says, grinning when Gon laughs at his answer. He breathes and it feels freeing, as though the heavy weight on his chest had been released from that one exhale. He asks, wanting to be sure even though he knows that it’s unnecessary, “Are we fine?”

“ _Idiot_ ,” Gon says, his grin affectionate despite the teasing as he presses his forehead against Killua’s. Killua feels _loved_ just from seeing that grin and he feels hot, warm all over and _comfortable_ because Gon has assured him again without having to say anything.

Gon giggles, murmurs into his hair like his words were wishes, “Of course we are.”

 

* * *

 

 

Gon didn’t think that it would turn out this way.

(“You’re a cat person, huh?” Erin asks, smiling as she sets another ball of fur on Killua’s lap.)

He was only trying to be friendly when he’d greeted her. Killua hadn’t greeted her back, probably having already forgotten that she was the owner of the cat they’d seen before in another country, and Gon had apologized for him. That was supposed to be it.

But she’s still with them now, her hands brushing against Killua’s every time she returns a kitten to his lap. Killua hadn’t even _wanted_ to be here, but Gon had dragged him along because it had sounded fun to play at the pet shop she owned.

It isn’t very fun anymore. He doesn’t fully understand why, but he thinks it’s because of her. Because of the teasing she keeps doing that makes Killua glow red, the amused smiles she sends Killua’s way whenever he makes a face at the kittens crawling their way up his shirt, and-

 _And_ -

“Why’re you pulling that face when you’re the one who dragged me here?” Killua asks, as though he doesn’t already know. Doesn’t he? He knows Gon best, after all. He should be able to understand just _why_ he looks so unhappy. “Come on,” Killua says, sighing softly, smiling in the way that’s reserved for him when he’s being difficult, “you were the one who wanted to play with these furballs, Gon.”

Gon tries. He’s _trying_. But it’s hard to resist when Killua keeps looking at him in that way that he does that says how much he’s concerned about him. “I guess I’m sort of tired,” he says as an excuse, smiling softly as he accepts one of the kittens that Killua holds out to him. “You wore me out yesterday, you know.”

“I wasn’t that rough with you,” Killua says, raising an eyebrow as he idly pets one of the white kittens sitting on his lap. “Hell, I went pretty easy on you in the beginning. _You_ were the one who said that I should go all out.”

“Heh, is that right? I don’t really remember,” he hums as he settles the kitten he’d been handed on his lap and scratches behind its ears. He peeks up at Killua’s right to Erin, not knowing why he’s looking at her at all, though he thinks he understands when he sees the curious look on her face.

“Hey, Killua,” he says, lowering his gaze to the kitten he’s playing with on his lap.

“What?” Killua asks, half-distracted by the kittens crawling over his shoulders. He pushes one of them up until they’re settled properly on his shoulder, before glancing up at Gon in question.

“We’re dating, right?” he asks, trying to be discreet when he peeks to the side to get a look of Erin’s reaction to his words.

“Is that something you still have to _ask_ at this point?” Killua asks, tone tinged with exasperation as he removes one of the kittens hanging onto one of his sleeves. “It should be obvious by now.”

She looks away. He feels victorious, childishly so, but for what reason? “Is it?”

When he finally looks up at Killua, the first thing he notices is that Killua is frowning. He blinks, opens his mouth to explain himself, but stops when Killua says, “Are you telling me that there’s something we still have to do to prove it?”

“Not…really.”

Erin starts humming and Gon accidentally squeezes down on the paws of the kitten on his lap. It yowls at the roughness and scampers away from him nigh immediately, hiding behind Erin the moment it manages to clamber off of his lap. He grits his teeth, clenching his fists tightly enough that he feels sharp nails making crescent-shaped indentations on his palm. He hadn’t meant to react like that at all.

_What’s wrong with me?_

“Something wrong, Gon?” Killua asks, his bare arm sending heat into Gon’s skin when he presses close. A little bit like he’s trying to whisper a secret when all he’s doing is asking Gon if he’s fine.

He’s _not_ fine, and he doesn’t even completely understand _why._

But Killua put him first. Killua thought of him first instead of the cat, or Erin, or _anything else._ He sighs, breathes out in a slow exhale, before resting his head on Killua’s shoulder. “I don’t know,” he murmurs, trying not to be too obvious with how he feels. He closes his eyes when he feels Killua’s hand running through his hair, gentle and comforting, making him feel relaxed even though he’d been so tense a few seconds before.

“Told you,” Killua mumbles while petting his hair, not sounding as reprimanding as he would on a normal day. “You should’ve rested some more, but you insisted we go out and explore.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles, not quite forcing the yawn he makes as he hides his face in Killua’s shoulder.

“We have a bed in the backroom if you’re not feeling well,” Erin suggests, abruptly bringing Gon out of his relaxed state. Hearing her voice again feels a little like being doused with cold water, a less than wanted wake up call, even though he _knows_ that she’s only trying to be helpful.

But she was being far too familiar with Killua for him to be comfortable with it. With her.

“No, I’m fine,” he says, smiling politely in the face of her concerned gaze. “I can walk this off.”

“Mmhm, he’s stronger than he looks,” Killua says, glancing up at her for only a second before looking back at him with an amused smile. “He’ll be fine once he gets on his feet.”

“Maybe you should carry me,” he suggests with an eyebrow wiggle. He laughs when Killua rolls his eyes at the notion of carrying him all the way back to the hotel they’re staying at. “Or maybe not. I guess I’m too heavy for you now, huh?”

“As if you are,” Killua huffs, a hint of a smile on his lips as he pushes Gon off of him. Gon makes a sound of complaint at being pushed away but obediently moves anyway, pouting a bit as he watches Killua stand up in front of him after having removed all of the kittens on him.

He blinks when Killua all too suddenly goes down on one knee, his back facing Gon as he places his open palms on his back. “Well?” Killua asks, raising an eyebrow at him when all he does is stare. “You said I should carry you.”

“Ehh,” he stares dumbly, blinking twice- thrice in succession, before shaking his head in response. “I’m fine, Killua. That was just a joke.”

“You sure? I can still handle you even if you’re…bigger, now,” Killua says, the last portion spoken a bit begrudgingly as he turns his gaze away from him. “I’m strong enough for that.”

“No, I’m really fine.”

He stands, patting Killua on the back as a sign that he’s okay. Killua sighs at his insistence but straightens up to a stand, still watching him with his narrow-eyed gaze as though waiting for him to collapse or show some sign of being unwell.

“Are you really alright? It’s fine if you want to stay for a while longer,” Erin asks, her concern written all over her face and fidgeting hands. The thought that he’d been thinking badly of her the whole time she’d been talking with Killua makes him feel ill, because she hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s just childish, wanting Killua all to himself even though the very thought of possessing someone like him- someone so beautiful and fragile and strong- is almost incomprehensible.

(Almost, because Killua is already his in a way. Killua had said so, after all.)

“I’ll be fine if Killua holds my hand,” he says with a smile, not laughing or giggling one bit when Killua sputters in response. He _is_ serious, after all. Erin seems to understand as much when she smiles, her gaze going soft as she steps back a bit.

“How is _that_ supposed to help?” Killua asks, the incredulity seen in his wide eyes and furrowed brows.

“It’ll help make sure that I won’t fall over,” Gon reasons, grinning when Killua raises an eyebrow disbelievingly at him. “It’s not _that_ hard, Killua. You just have to put your hand in mine, then I’ll be okay.”

“That’s stupid.”

“No it’s not!” Gon insists with a huff and a pout. “It’ll make me feel tons better! I promise!”

“Ridiculous,” Killua sighs with a shake of his head, before holding out his open palm to him. “But okay.” He smiles and it’s gentle, amused and affectionate at the same time, letting Gon know that he’s _loved_ no matter what.

“I love you,” he says, the grin on his face widening when Killua gawps at him in reply. “I just wanted to say that,” he admits, taking Killua’s hand in his and twining their fingers around each other until their palms meet in a kiss.

“Idiot,” Killua mumbles, flushing red when he hears the sound of Erin giggling in the background. “But I love you too, even if you _do_ irritate me a lot.”

“That’s good enough for me,” he says with a nod, grinning as he squeezes Killua’s hand in his. Killua squeezes his hand back with the same amount of strength, not at all one to give any less than what is given him, and laughs when Gon almost trips over a cat strolling casually around his feet.

(What did he have to worry about anyway, when Killua is already his?)


	12. work song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was taken from Hozier's song, [Work Song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkL6wR0xghA)
> 
> Prompts:  
> 56\. Could you repeat that?  
> 57\. That’s a good look for you.  
> 58\. I just noticed you’re weirdly obedient, when you want to be.  
> 59\. I can’t lose you.  
> 60\. There's something not right about its eyes.

He believed that he was moonlight, at first. With its dim light, sparing what illumination it could to those in the dark-

_Gon, you are light. Sometimes, you shine so brightly—_

-he only shared what he was given, could only give what Gon gave him first. He had no light of his own, he’d thought, having to greedily take what sunlight he could from Gon’s touch to be able to illumine anything.

He wasn’t born- wasn’t _made_ to be someone who gave light of his own. He’d thought so. He believed it for a long while, because what else was there to believe in than what he knew and what he was familiar with?

He had nothing.

Or,

at least, that was what he thought.

\--------

_“You’re like,” Gon tried- and failed- to properly enunciate, on a night almost similar to that of Whale Island’s starry nights, “like- stars!”_

_He had blinked, confused at the comparison. He honestly had no idea where that one came from. “Could you repeat that?” he asked, just to be sure that he heard right._

_“You’re like stars,” Gon said, nodding proudly to himself at having said that properly as compared to earlier. “I just remembered, since you told me you compared me to light before.”_

_He flushed red, the heat on his face unbidden but making itself known nonetheless. It’s at times like these that he_ abhors _how pale he is, though there’s really nothing he can do about it. “Can we_ not _talk about that?” he said, hand covering his mouth as he turned his head away._

_“You really think I’d forget it?” Gon asked—a rhetorical question._

_He groaned in dismay and covered his face despite how futile an action it was at hiding his embarrassment. “Honestly?_ Yeah _, I thought you’d forget. You’re pretty good at forgetting important things, so why the hell would you remember this?”_

 _“I can’t._ You _said it, you were honest about it, so--”_

_“Uuugh. Still,” he groused, rubbing his face as if to wipe away the spatters of red on his cheeks, “why stars?”_

_“You’re bright,” Gon said, stopping to smile sheepishly at the odd look sent his way. He adds, “To me, you’re bright. You might not agree with me, but…but you are. I really think so.”_

_He wanted to call him out for his lie, then. If anyone was bright, it was Gon. Not him._ Never _him._

_But he’d asked anyway, because while Gon likes to appear a dunce, he’s far smarter than people give him credit for;_

_“How am I bright?”_

_“You’re my first friend, remember?” Gon said, as if that explained everything._

_He stared, opened his mouth to say something, before deciding that he there wasn't anything to be said._

_He understood after all._

\--------

“That time,” he begins, drying off silver-white hair and pretending he doesn’t feel the warm gaze on his body, “when you said I reminded you of the stars-”

“Eh?” Gon jerks in surprise, snapping out of his tiny daze at the memory of that conversation. He pretends, again, that Gon’s little daze isn’t because of him. He’d really rather not remember what had transpired a few days ago _, thank you very much_. “Stars,” Gon mumbles, frowning a bit, until he brightens up like a warm summer day at the end of winter, “Oh! Yeah, I remember that. What about it?”

_Do you know that the sun is a star too? Did you know that you are a star to me, warm and bright and painful to stare at, and you make me feel like I’m warm with just a look, or a touch? Did you know?_

“S’nothing, I just remembered,” he waves off in the blithest manner he can muster, turning sideways until all Gon can see is his profile. He knows better than to let Gon have free rein to look at his face or to take advantage of his turned back.

“ _Ehh?_ ” Gon whines, as he often does when something doesn’t go the way he wants it to. “You were gonna say something else before I interrupted, Killua. What was it?”

“Persistent,” he grumbles, lowering his gaze as he tugs on his underwear and shorts under his towel (because he can’t _help_ from being self-conscious after the things they did, there’s nothing wrong with that!). He sets the towel aside once he’s done with it, not once looking at Gon for fear of doing something incredibly telling or embarrassing, like twitch or make a face, maybe.

“Only because I have something to persist for,” Gon retorts, already grinning when Killua snaps his head up to glare at him. “So? What was it?”

“I just thought,” he mumbles, quick and practically incomprehensible, “thatyou’rethesameorsomething.”

Gon cocks his head, blinking three times in confusion, before blinking a final time in comprehension. “Am I?”

“…the sun is a star, you know,” he says as he tugs on his long-sleeved shirt.

“The sun is- wait, where are you going?” Gon asks, immediately hopping to his feet when he makes for the door. “Killua!”

“I’m going out for a jog! You should fold the laundry before you follow after me!” he quickly says, hopes that Gon really does as he says or else he’ll-

He’ll combust, probably. It wouldn’t be surprising.

He rubs his face with a sleeve-covered arm as he runs out of the hotel they’re staying at, hoping his hardest that the surely existing blush on his face isn’t too visible- though really, he doesn’t expect much.

He isn’t Gon, after all.

 

* * *

 

 

Distantly, still buried under a haze of sleep, he hears the sound of one of their phones ringing.

_Ring-ring-ring._

_Ring-ring-ring._

He groans, makes to turn around, before being halted by something occupying the space by his side. Or, to be more precise, by _someone_ with white hair and long black lashes—who is still asleep and curled into his side. He huffs out a tiny laugh as he scoots away a bit, before turning over enough to be able to see Killua without straining his neck.

Sitting up, quietly and carefully, he whispers, “don’t wake up yet,” with a gentle kiss to a pale shoulder. He smiles when Killua snuffles and turns to lie on his back, one arm dangling over the edge of the bed with the other resting over his stomach. _Still asleep, then_ , he thinks to himself, giggling a bit when Killua rolls over once more to lie on his side with one leg thrown over the messy sheets and one arm stretched out in front of him.

_Ring-ring-ring._

He frowns at the reminder that he has to get up. Sure, he doesn’t really _have_ to answer the phone…but what if it’s something important? He sighs to himself at the thought, already (hesitantly) slipping out of the bed to head for their bags thrown together on one corner of the room.

_Ring-ring-ring._

_Ring-ring-_

He’s barely touched Killua’s phone when it stops ringing, the light on its screen dimming back into darkness signaling the end of the call. He makes to check the phone to see who it is, already reaching out a hand, before he’s stopped when _his_ phone starts ringing. He muffles a tiny sound of surprise and immediately dips his hand into his bag’s outer pocket to take out his phone and click it open.

Voice a tad high-pitched, he asks into the phone, “Hello?”

“ _Hey, Gon! It’s Ikalgo._ ”

“Ikalg-” he slaps a hand onto his mouth, muffling the yell he’d almost made at the unexpected call. “Ikalgo!” he whisper-yells this time, grinning as he flops down onto his butt with his legs folded in front of him. “It’s been a while!”

“ _I’d have called sooner if things weren’t so busy where I am. How are you and Killua? I didn’t think he wouldn’t answer his phone._ ”

“He’s still asleep,” he says, smiling as he looks up at the bed he shares with Killua. “I tired him out, I think. We trained all day yesterday without using our nen.” His voice softens, and he says, “It’s harder than I’d thought, getting used to not using it.”

“ _I thought you couldn’t use it anymore?_ ”

“Well, it’s been about two years,” he reasons as he gets up from the floor to sit on the chair across from the bed. He stretches his legs out and smiles at the good view he has of Killua still sleeping. “But I guess I _am_ lucky that I got it back at all. I can’t really control it yet, though.”

“ _Isn’t there anyone you could ask about that? Someone who knows a lot about nen?_ ”

“We have our master- two masters, really-, but my case is new, so…” he trails off, humming a bit, before asking, “What were you calling Killua for, by the way?”

“ _E-eh? Oh! Aha, right, I was calling him,_ ” Ikalgo nervously trails off, making him frown in confusion. What was there to be nervous about? “ _I just wanted to talk…it’s been a while, and Palm told me that it’d be okay. She’s been talking with you two every once in a while, right?_ ”

“Mmhm, that’s true.” He waits a beat, before asking again, “Why do you sound so nervous, Ikalgo?”

“ _Eh?! I’m not nervous at all! You must be hearing things._ ”

He raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Was there something you wanted to tell Killua?”

“ _Ah, there was nothing…_ ”

“There _must_ be something,” he insists, leaning over in his chair with his free hand settled on the space between his legs. “It’s been a while- I know you’re close with Killua, so it’s sort of weird that you’re only calling now, isn’t it?”

“ _I-I wouldn’t say that…_ ”

“ _Really_ ,” he says, firm enough that the nervous humming on the other end of the line turns into silence. “I’m not going to get angry if you just called because you missed him, you know.”

“ _Eh?!_ ”

“That’s it, right?” he says, straightening up before scooting further into his seat. “I can understand. I missed him a lot too.”

He hears the sound of Ikalgo breathing on the phone, heavy and hitching, before,

“ _...yeah, I guess that’s what it is._ ”

He giggles at the hesitance in Ikalgo’s voice; not to make fun of him, but in that way you do when you’re amused with one of your friend’s quirks. “See? You had a reason after all.”

“ _It’s not something you can just say aloud—but I guess_ you _could do it.”_

“Killua tells me that too!”

Ikalgo laughs, voice the same kind of roughness as he remembers it being. “ _I’m surprised he hasn’t spontaneously combusted yet._ ”

“He’s strong, he can handle a few honest words from me,” he says, giggling again when he sees Killua making a face in his sleep. “He’ll have to get used to it eventually.”

“ _It takes a long time to change habits from childhood, I wouldn’t be too sure if you’d succeed there._ ”

He grins widely at the indirect challenge, quietly hopping to his feet and padding towards the bed. With a giggle hinting at mischief, he says, “We’ll see.”

Killua rolls over to face him as soon as he sets a knee on the edge, blinking blue eyes blearily up at him as a sign that he’s awake- or half-awake at best. Mouth opening in a yawn, Killua arches his back in a stretch like a cat would post-sleep, then says in a slur, “Whozzat?”

“Ikalgo,” he replies with a hand on the receiver. He blinks when Killua makes grabby hand motions at him. “Eh?”

“Give it,” Killua bites out, looking grumpy when he doesn’t immediately hand the phone over. Killua’s face clears the moment he’s given the phone and he smiles- _grins_ even, before going off into his own world the moment he starts talking into the phone.

Killua looks surprisingly comfortable, considering how long it’s been since Ikalgo last contacted them. He’s not insecure enough to think that Ikalgo is more important to Killua than he is, but…

It’s childish. He knows that much. It’s _childish_ , but still!

It’s annoying that Killua can smile that easily for Ikalgo when he can barely do the same thing for Gon. Sure, he gets glimpses of Killua’s tiny smiles when he’s not looking, but- it’s just not the same. _It isn’t!_ he thinks to himself, words hidden behind sharp teeth and silenced the moment he flops down to rest his head on Killua’s stomach.

Killua grunts, jerking in surprise at Gon’s weight suddenly pressing down on him, “Gon, what the-”

“M’tired,” he murmurs, innocent as you please. He grins sleepily at Killua’s wide-eyes and furrowed brows—a typical disbelieving look that he gets whenever he suggests doing something ludicrous.

“Whatever,” Killua grumbles with a minute shake of his head. He’d praise himself for the calm reaction if it were at another time, but.

Killua is probably just fine with it since talking to Ikalgo is his priority at the moment.

He sighs, scooting up until his head is resting on Killua’s chest. He doesn’t bother to look up for Killua’s reaction when he wraps both arms around Killua’s back, just wanting to take what comfort he could in the fact that he didn’t really have anything to be jealous about. Ikalgo is a friend, that’s all. Killua is already dating  _him_ , and Killua would never cheat, and-

“Someone’s being a big baby,” Killua says into the phone, earning a squeeze of his arms around a pale body. He whines when Killua smacks him on the back of the head. “ _Jeez_. First it was Palm, now Ikalgo? No one’s going to hit on me, Gon.”

“Mmmph. Mmm hff.”

He doesn’t have to look to know that Killua’s raising an eyebrow at him. “What was that?”

He turns his head, cheek puffed up in annoyance until he lets out a breath. “Ikalgo likes you, though,” he grumbles, frowning at the bewildered look on Killua’s face. “Really!”

“I can’t believe this,” Killua grumbles into the receiver. He pauses for a bit, listening to Ikalgo’s response (something like “ _jealous, maybe?_ ”), before a twitch of a smile on his lips betrays the annoyance he’s trying to express. Killua looks to him again, and says, “Ikalgo is a friend, of course he-”

“It’s _different_ ,” he cuts Killua off in a whine, knowing full well that he sounds childish when he says it. “It’s like- it’s like how you like _me._ ”

Killua flushes at the comparison, sputtering with a hand over the receiver, “Wh-  that’s ridiculous!” He pauses, probably listening to what Ikalgo is saying, then huffs out a laugh. “ _Anyway,_ it’s unfair that you can get jealous and I can’t, isn’t it?”

He blinks at the indirect accusation, sitting up with both arms propped up on either side of Killua. “What do you mean?”

“ _Please,”_ Killua says with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing when you’re flirting with the women we meet.”

“I don’t!” he says immediately, unintentionally making Killua back up into the headboard when he leans forward into his space. “I’d never do that when I have you!”

Killua blinks at him, the look on his face similar to that of a deer caught in headlights. Killua says, pushing against his chest without much force, “O-okay, jeez! I was just joking-“

“No you _weren’t_ ,” he insists, leaning closer until he can see the beads of sweat forming on Killua’s forehead. “You…you really thought I was flirting, even when I _wasn’t_.”

“Gon, please,” Killua says, trying to push him away again with a hand on his shoulder, “let’s just drop it. It’s nothing important, anyway.”

He frowns, turning a narrow-eyed gaze to the phone squeezed tightly in Killua’s hand. “Why? Because you’re too busy talking with Ikalgo?”

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Killua deadpans, finally using his real strength to push him completely away. “If this were before, I’d hit you. _But_ , I’m too busy for that right now, because I’m talking to Ikalgo.”

There’s a mumble on the phone, something like, “ _Maybe another time-_ ”

“ _Oi_ , don’t you start too! Palm already hung up on me once just because Gon was being a child,” Killua snaps, looking up at him with furrowed brows and an annoyed frown. “He’ll get over it…wh- come on! I’m not being stupid! I thought you said I _shouldn’t_ spoil him?!” A pause, then; “This _is_ spoiling him! It’s not like you’re going to steal me away-”

“ _Maybe not, but I could.”_

He leans in close and Killua jerks, blue eyes wide in surprise when he’s met with what he knows is an angry expression on his face. “You _really_ want to joke right now when you already know that Gon is pissed with you?” Killua says into the receiver, attempting to put a hand on his face to push him away again.

Killua’s breath hitches, soft and silent, when his wrist is caught before he can make contact. He says, voice cracking a bit, “Gon?”

“You’d never cheat on me, would you?” he asks.

Killua gawps at him, looking dumbfounded at the very notion.

“ _Killua._ ”

“I won’t! What the hell,” he snaps, blushing as he shakes Gon’s grip off his wrist. Into the receiver, he says with a frown, “ _Ikalgo,_ you asshole, you did that on purpose!”

“ _You don’t have sufficient evidence for that._ ”

“I hope you know just how much you’re pissing me off right now.” A pause—he thinks he can hear Ikalgo laughing on the other end. “ _Jerk._ ”

“Hey, Killua?” he asks again, sitting back so that Killua can have his space to himself. Killua looks up and he holds out a hand, palm open as he says, “Can I talk to Ikalgo for a bit? It won’t be long, I promise.”

Killua squints askance at him.

Blurred by static, he hears, “ _It’s fine, Killua._ ” He smiles widely at that, blinking innocently in that way he does when he already knows Killua won’t say no.

“Fine, whatever,” Killua says, frowning as he hands over the phone to him. “You’re both idiots.”

“That’s why I need you,” he quips, smiling brightly at the burst of red hues on Killua’s cheeks. Turning half of his attention to the phone, he says, “Ikalgo, you know that Killua is mine, right?”

Ikalgo laughs. (Privately, he takes note of Killua’s horrified/embarrassed look at the question.) “ _I know. I was never going to try anything, so you don’t have to worry._ ”

“Really?”

“ _I know when I’ll lose._ ”

He grins, satisfied with that answer. He nods even though he knows Ikalgo can’t see him. “Good.”

There’s a pause, the sound of static filling his ears for a moment, before Ikalgo says in a more serious tone,

“ _You should be careful, Gon._ ”

He blinks, confused at the seeming non sequitur. “What do you mean?”

“ _You understand that Killua loves you, don’t you?_ ”

He looks to Killua, who’s still frowning in impatience at him. He smiles just to see what Killua will do, ending up giggling when Killua makes a face at him like he doesn’t know if he should smile back or glare.

He answers, sure of himself, “Yeah, I do.”

Ikalgo hums in reply. He says in a soft voice, like he doesn’t want Killua to hear, “ _It’s not fair to him if you keep acting like he’s fickle enough to want to leave you for someone else."_

_Huh?_

“That’s not- what are you trying to say?” he asks, frowning as he shifts to sit with both of his legs folded in front of him. It’s not that he thinks Killua is fickle at all! It’s just that…he doesn’t like it when Killua ignores him for someone else. That’s all it is.

“ _You’ll end up making him cry if you keep that up. You know what his problem with his brother was, don’t you?_ ”

A dozen thoughts flicker into his mind at the sound of Illumi’s name. _So he talked to you about Illumi? What did he say? Why did he tell you? Why did I have to wait so long until he told me anything?_

He says, swallowing the questions dancing on the tip of his tongue, “Yeah.”

“ _His brother wanted to possess him completely. I don’t think you want to be considered the same as him- or do you?_ ”

“Of course I don’t!” he says, offended at the unwarranted comparison. “And that’s different!”

“ _Is it? You both want him for your own purposes. Granted, you wouldn’t deliberately hurt Killua like his brother did- but the thought is there. You’d keep Killua all to yourself if you could._ ”

He bites his lip, peeking guiltily up at Killua even when he isn’t sure if Killua can hear. Killua frowns at the look but doesn’t say anything, which confirms how he can’t hear what Ikalgo is saying. “…is that bad?” he asks, because he’s never really had to think about it before. Killua might complain about it, but he never really says that it’s wrong, or that it’s bad.

“ _It is. Killua has his own friends, and so do you._ ”

“But-”

“ _I like Killua. I care about him. He means to me the same way you mean to him, probably. The only thing I want is for him to be happy._ ”

His lips tremble at those words. _So you do like him_ , he doesn’t say _._ What he says instead is: “Then why? If you- if you felt that way, then why would you give up?”

“ _I don’t have anything to give up, really. I don’t want anything from him…I just wish that he’d be happy. And since he’s with you, and you love him back, I think it’s safe to say that he is._ ”

He looks down, fiddles with the hem of his shorts because he doesn’t know what else to do. He wants to ask, wants to know— _is it really that easy? Wouldn’t it better if he loved you back?_

But that’s not how it is for Ikalgo at all, is it? He’s just now realized it, the thought coming far too late for someone who’s spent two years studying and waiting. Loving someone doesn’t have to mean that you have to be loved back. It just means that you love someone, and that you like it when they’re happy. It doesn’t have to be because of you at all.

He bows his head, his free hand coming up to scratch at his temple in embarrassment. He’d been so selfish with Killua that he forgot; loving Killua doesn’t have to mean wanting Killua all to himself. That wouldn’t even be love anymore. It’d be…

_Possessiveness._

He closes his eyes, inhales and exhales in slow and quiet breaths. “…sorry for being so mean earlier,” he murmurs, blushing a bit when he peeks up and sees the amused smile on Killua’s face.

“ _It’s fine. Killua is your first friend, isn’t he? And you’re his._ ”

His heart jumps ( _I’ve been his since forever, since the moment I took him away from that place_ ) and he squeezes the phone in his hand. “Yeah,” he says, nodding even though he knows Ikalgo can’t see him.

“ _Killua has been devoted to you since a long time ago, I can tell. You probably got used to having him all to yourself, which is why it isn’t as easy for you now.”_

He looks up at Killua then, blinks wide eyes at him in realization. Killua frowns at the look, mouths a “what?” in response. He shakes his head, mouths a “later” which Killua hesitantly accepts.

“That’s…probably it,” he concedes the point, looking away from Killua and tapping distractedly on his phone. “How did you figure that out?”

“ _Getting a second chance at life helps a lot. You learn to notice these things._ ”

He laughs. He understands that perfectly well, though Ikalgo may mean it more literally than he does. “I guess so.”

“Move.”

He jolts at the sudden order, straightening up and blinking in surprise when he sees Killua crawling over to him. “Eh?” he blurts out thoughtlessly, legs lowering themselves almost instinctively at the feel of Killua’s hand on his knees.  He blinks in surprise when Killua, uncaring for his confusion, rests his head on his lap. “Killua?” he asks, looking down at him with wide eyes.

“You’re taking too long,” Killua grumbles, as if that’s reason enough for him to do what he’s doing.

He coughs to hide a giggle when Killua glares up at him. “Sorry,” he says, smiling as he pets silver-white hair. “Ikalgo, you want to talk to Killua now?” he asks into the receiver.

“ _Yeah, of course._ ” There’s a pause for breath, before he says, “ _Thanks._ ”

 _Thanks for understanding_.

He makes a tiny sound that means “ _you don’t have to thank me_ ”. He can understand because he loves Killua too; it doesn’t matter that Ikalgo isn’t as human as they are. Love is still love no matter who’s in love, after all. He says, “It’s fine, really. I’m glad that you can make Killua happy too.” He laughs when Killua steals the phone from him in one lightning-quick move. “That’s rude, Killua!” he mock-scolds, smiling in amusement when Killua rolls his eyes at him in reply.

“You say too many unnecessary things,” Killua huffs at him, before turning his attention to the phone pressed to his ear. He says, craning his neck back until Gon’s view is filled with pale white skin hiding quiet heartbeats, “You took too long, Ikalgo. What were you even telling him?”

He reaches out a hand and touches Killua’s neck, expects a shiver but gets something better; Killua looking up at him with a look, before relaxing into the touch like it’s something he usually does. His heart skips a beat at the thought ( _is this what it’s like, knowing that someone trusts you with everything and anything of himself?_ ) and he bites the inside of his cheek. He says once he’s calm enough, fingers moving up to trace lines over a pale temple, “That’s a good look for you,” not specifying just what it is he means.

It’s a good look for Killua, being so close and so open like he thinks he’s safe where he is; in Gon’s lap, lying prone, eyes fluttering closed every now and then. He knows that Killua thinks he’s safe; he’s certain of it just from the bare neck being presented to his open hand.

Killua scoffs and he smiles, because he knows that Killua knows but he won’t say so.

That’s just how things are, and he’s fine with that.

 

* * *

 

 

“I just noticed,” Gon says, sunkissed hands pulling a moan out of him when they press on one of the knots in his back, “you’re weirdly obedient when you want to be.”

“Mm,” he mumbles, all coherent thought melted and fried the moment Gon started kneading and massaging the tension out of his back. Gon doesn’t say anything about any of his sounds, which is something he’s thankful for. He’d _die_ if Gon noticed just how well and truly he’s melted him just from this. To think, that he could be _this_ weak just from a massage- though, to be fair, Gon is pretty good at it.

“Like this,” Gon slides a hand down, right on the curve of his back, before going past that and settling right before the bump of his ass. The touch makes his skin tingle and he shifts, but he doesn’t do anything to ward the hand away. He’s too relaxed to even try; dimly, he thinks that that’s just what Gon is going for. It’s not every day that Gon just comes up and suggests giving him a massage for no particular reason.

It’s why he asks, voice soft with somnolence when he breathes, “What brought this up, Gon..?”

“Mm?” Gon hums in reply, the smile heard more than seen in the tone of his voice. He stifles a telling twitch when Gon slides his hands back up to his shoulder blades, though he can’t help himself from another groan when Gon finds another knot in his back. “What brought what up?”

He says, hoping that his face isn’t as red as it feels, “The massage. I didn’t think you’d actually give me one.”

“Of course I would! I don’t forget my promises,” Gon says, fingers pressed together and rubbing circles over his back. “I said I’d give you one before, didn’t I?”

“I didn’t think you’d remember that,” he says. It’s a lie and Gon knows it; Killua can tell when all he offers as a response is a cheerful hum instead of actual words. “It’s been a while,” he reasons.

“Not that long a while,” Gon says. Gon flashes a beaming grin at him when he raises an eyebrow in response. “But long enough for me to learn something new.”

He squints at the cheeky grin on Gon’s face. “Something new?” he repeats questioningly, tone tinged with caution. At any other time, he’s sure he’d have already sat up and away by now- but he’s too cozy where he is to do anything, and he trusts Gon not to try anything stupid. It’s a bit reckless, just trusting Gon to not do anything odd to him considering how easily curious he gets about the strangest things- but it’s been fine so far. _How long will that safe streak last, though_ , a voice similar to his own asks in the back of his mind, to which he shakes his head.

 _You’re a danger to my health, Gon_ , he doesn’t say, not wanting to urge Gon on with…whatever it is he’s trying to do.

“Yeah,” Gon hums as answer to his question, not at all sounding particularly suspicious. Gon slides his hands back down, lower and lower, until he unintentionally makes a squeaking sound at the sensation of warm hands on his still-clothed ass. “Don’t be so tense,” Gon tells him, a giggle behind his words as he lightly pats him there like it’s- like it’s some sort of _pillow_ or something, which is ridiculous!

“Sort of hard _not_ to be, considering where your hand is at the moment,” he says with a scowl, face most definitely flushed with an embarrassed sort of warmth at Gon’s boldness. “What the hell are you trying to do, huh?”

“I want to try something,” Gon says in reply; his brown eyes are practically _glittering_ when he turns to look at him. “Please?”

 _Oh no_ , he thinks, the thought a reflexive one to Gon saying things like “ _I want to try something_ ”.  Really, he’d be fine with trying out the stupidest things (he has his own kind of recklessness too), but it’s something else entirely when Gon requests it. _Especially_ now that they’re officially a- a _couple,_ since most of Gon’s recent requests often, if not always, involve things that’ll inevitably embarrass him.

Still, he asks (because he just can’t say _no_ ), “Try what, exactly?”

Gon is positively sparkling when he asks so. _This is a mistake_ , he’s already telling himself as he shifts to look directly at Gon, dreading the words that’ll come out of Gon’s mouth.

(Later, once the whole thing is done, he’ll think to himself: _I should trust my instincts more when it comes to shit like this._ )

“Let me give you a prostate massage?”

Silence.

He thinks he hears a cricket chirp somewhere.

He’s only just beginning to open his mouth to scream ( _“What the hell, Gon?!”_ ) when Gon covers his lips with his own, tongue licking into his mouth like it’s something he can just _do_. He’s gawping when Gon pulls away, the whole of his face burning hot with embarrassment both at Gon’s words and at his sudden kiss. “Wh- wh-”

“That’s really all I want,” Gon pleads, his hands capturing pale palms in his own to press them close to his chest. “They said it’d feel really good, and- and I really want to try and see if it’s true!”

“Why not do it to _yourself_ , then?” he immediately asks, trying his hardest to keep calm even though he’s just- really _confused_ because he has no idea where the hell this all came from. He should’ve gotten used to this by now, what with Gon’s interest often being easily caught by odd things, but he just _hasn’t_ because how the _hell_ was he supposed to expect something like “ _let me give you a prostate massage”_?!

Gon pouts and says, “That’s no fun!”

“And you think it’d be fun with me?!” he shrieks in disbelief, shaking off Gon’s hands from his own so he can back away and stare at him with a wide-eyed and scandalized look. “Do you even _understand_ what you’re asking for?”

“Well,” Gon begins, sitting back with a look on his face that says nothing of this weird new _kink_ he has, “I know that it involves putting something up your butt-”

“And you thought _that_ would be a great idea? ‘Oh hey, it sounds like it’ll be fun idea to put something up my best friend’s ass-’”

“I want to make you feel good, that’s all!” Gon interrupts, looking absolutely determined about it when he crawls right into his space. “I’ll stop if it hurts, but—I just want to try and see if it’s true!”

“What if I just told you that it is?” he blurts out- which is a _mistake_ , because now Gon is staring at him like he just gave birth to a baby angel or something else equally ridiculous. He sputters, regretting having said anything at all, “I mean-”

“Did you try it?” Gon asks him immediately, not thinking to consider the possibility that _maybe_ he did some internet research instead of actually _taking something up the ass._

(The hilariously horrible thing is that Gon is _right_ on the first guess.)

“No,” he bites out, grunting a bit when he hits the headboard while scooting away from Gon.

“Really?”

“Nngh,” he grumbles lamely, frowning as he stares at the space between Gon’s eyes.

“You’re _lying_!” Gon crows, making him wince in dismay at how _hard_ it is to lie about such a stupid thing. “You did it!”

“I was just trying to be prepared!” he snaps, slapping down the finger Gon has pointed at him. “I wouldn’t have done it at all if I knew that you were just going to use my thighs!”

“…wait.”                                                                                                                                                      

He groans when he sees the dawning realization on Gon’s face, already hiding his face in the protective burrow between his chest and his folded up legs. _Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Why the hell did I have to say that?_

“You…you prepared yourself right before we did it? You-”

“As if I could trust you to be thorough,” he bites out, face still hidden behind his legs when he rubs a hand over his face, a little like he’s trying to scrub off the redness even if he knows it’s a futile effort. “So I did it myself.”

“You put your-”

“Shut up!” he barks, gritting his teeth when his voice cracks mid-yell. He looks up with a glare, expecting Gon to be laughing at him, but falters when all he sees is Gon staring, wide-eyed with a gaping mouth. “What?” he asks, unsure, straightening up until all of his face is visible. “ _You_ asked. Why are you acting so shocked now?”

“So,” Gon says, still looking a bit out of it when he licks his lips distractedly, “you’re saying, when we had sex that one time…you prepared yourself because you thought I was going to put my penis inside you?”

“ _Penis_ , he says,” he laughs wryly, shaking his head in disbelief at the still-stunned look on Gon’s face. “Yeah, I prepared myself for that. I used my fingers and everything.”

“…wow,” Gon murmurs, still looking at him like he just sprouted multiple wings on his back. He rolls his eyes at the awe and shock written all over Gon’s face. “I didn’t think you’d do that.”

“Neither did I,” he says, his earlier embarrassment ebbing away in soft waves as he smiles in amusement at look on Gon’s face. “Are you gonna stop staring, or do I have to slap you out of it?”

“Mm, I’m fine,” Gon says with a shake of his head. There’s a momentary pause before Gon says, “…so you don’t want to do it?”

“I _don’t_ ,” he snaps, sighing loudly in exasperation at the pouty look on Gon’s face. “Alright? It’s…disgusting.”

“It’s not-”

“I swear to _god_ ,” he interrupts, poking a finger into Gon’s forehead with enough force to get a grunt out of him, “if you say something about it not being disgusting because it’s me, I will _end you._ ”

“But it’s true!” Gon cries, rubbing a hand over the place where he’d been poked. “If it’s you, then--” Gon cuts himself off with a huff when he dodges the flying kick that’s sent his way. “Killua!”

“No, don’t even- Gon!” he yelps when Gon pounces on him, hands immediately shooting up to push Gon off by his shoulders. “Damn it-”

He squeaks when Gon leaves a smacking kiss on his cheek, though the shame is easily overcome by the alarm making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. _No_ way, he thinks, a dawning horror making him grow even paler when he realizes what the cool wetness on his cheek is ( _gross!_ ). He shoves Gon away with a firm hand on his shoulder, feeling all the more justified in his anger when all Gon does is smile widely at him. “Y- _you_ -!” he cries, all while wiping furiously at his cheek in disgust at Gon’s sloppy kissing.

“Did you hate it?” Gon asks, face flushed with a kind of happiness that has Killua squinting in disbelief. “Killua?”

“Oh, so you ask me that _now?_ ” he snaps, irritated at Gon’s audacity to ask such a thing when he already stole a (frankly disgusting) kiss from him. Admittedly, he didn’t quite _hate_ it, but…he could’ve done it a little less droolingly, couldn’t he? Jeez.

It’s sad, really, how he falters because of the pitiful look on Gon’s face. Just looking at Gon pouting, eyes wide and staring at him, making him feel guilty even though he didn’t do anything wrong—it’s _pathetic_ how weak he is for this. “I didn’t _hate_ it,” he says in a sigh, exasperation drawn in the roll of his eyes and in the way lets his head loll back and up. “You may be bigger than me now, but that doesn’t mean I’m weaker. I’d have escaped or hit you if I hated it.”

“Good,” Gon says, wide grin back on his face as though he hadn’t just guilt-tripped Killua into submission. “I’m glad. And,” Gon begins in a lilt, eliciting a blink of confusion from him, “I like knowing that you would do that sort of thing for me.”

“That sort of-” then he stops, stares, until his face bursts into metaphorical flames at the eyebrow wiggle Gon does in response. “You-! Nngh! _You_ ,” he says with both hands clutching onto Gon’s shirt, “are a _pervert._ You’re worse than me!”

“Only for you,” Gon says in a giggle, rolling them back over until Gon is lying on his back and he’s lying prone on top of him. “Because I love you a lot!” Gon exclaims with a gentle squeeze around his waist, grinning still, as if he hadn’t just shouted something worthy of two palms to the face to the whole of the room.

He groans, dropping his head into the crook of Gon’s neck and shoulder instead of giving an actual response.

_Unbelievable._

 

* * *

 

 

“Killua..?”

Killua doesn’t speak.

 _Corpses don’t speak, after all_ , a tiny voice says in the back of his head. He flinches at the thought, immediately dropping down to his knees as he hovers over Killua’s wrecked body.

“You’re fine,” he hears himself say, a shaky smile on his face as he touches Killua’s face. He rubs away the red staining a pale chin, trying his hardest not to cry as he slowly slides his hand down to Killua’s pulse.

_He’s fine. Killua is fine. He can’t die. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t-_

Killua is still, and so is the pulse underneath his finger.

Then he wakes.

Killua is standing before him again, alive. He smiles, swallowing back the sigh of relief that had been threatening to burst from his lips.

He falters when he realizes that Killua has his back turned to him.

“Gon,” Killua tells him, tired and crooked smile on his lips as he looks back at him, but not fully. There is blood staining his chin again, and there is more on his back; the liquid trickles down like raindrops from his shoulder blades to his feet, slow and steady—he looks like a painted god of death, spattered with blood and darkness.

 _But he’s the one dying, isn’t he?_ a voice like his whispers right into his ear.

“Killua..?” he says, hopes he isn’t crying when Killua stumbles into his arms. He cringes at the feeling of something wet seeping into his clothes, immediately bringing up the hand not supporting Killua to see what it is that has wet his hands.

He knows what it is. He knows.

But he still wants it to be a lie.

“Killua can’t die, right?” he says, voice frail and quaking as he hugs Killua close. Killua only laughs and it’s weak, telling of Killua’s weakness, and he _hates_ it. “Killua. Killua, you can’t. Right?” he whispers, voice hoarse from crying as he cradles Killua’s head to his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Killua coughs, lips cold and wet on his neck when he speaks. His voice is growing weaker by the second, and it seems like he’s only barely managing to hold on. ( _It hurts. It hurts.)_ Killua says, “It looks like I can’t stay with you any longer, Gon.”

“No, that’s not true,” he whispers, voice cracking as he gently squeezes his arms around Killua’s trembling body. “That’s not true.”

He blinks away the tears and, in the same way that the blurriness disappears, so does the vision of a bloodied Killua in his arms. He wants to be relieved, wants to cry because this is surely an illusion but it still _hurts_. Because he knows—he does! He knows that Killua can still die, that Killua has his weaknesses, and that Killua might not be able to stay with him forever. He _knows_.

But that doesn’t mean he’ll let himself succumb to that nightmare. He’s finally _happy_ , and he won’t- he _can’t_ let anything ruin that now.

Belatedly, he realizes that there’s a throbbing pain in his chest and that his head hurts; everything feels too hot and too suffocating, like he’s burning up from the inside out. _But I’m not sick,_ he thinks to himself, because what else could be the reason for this feeling?

_It hurts, Killua. It hurts so much._

“You’ll be fine,” Killua’s voice says and he looks up, brown eyes wide in relief that he’s here- until he notices Killua’s body. There’s blood all over his chest, seeping into his white shirt, and a blade poking right out from where his heart should be. Suddenly, quietly, that burning feeling inside his body fades into cold numbness, like he just took a dip in icy cold waters.

“No,” he says, unthinking, his whole body numb with disbelief as he raises a hand to touch the sharp tip. He says, voice cracking, “Killua, this isn’t real, is it? You’re…you’re too strong, you wouldn’t let something like this hurt you-”

“I’m sorry,” Killua says before he can finish. He coughs and blood drips from his mouth, trickling traitorously down to his chin. “I’m sorry, Gon.”

“No. No,” he says, repeats the word with a desperation that makes his head throb painfully. He clutches at Killua’s sleeves, shaking him by his arms as he looks up into dull blue eyes. “I won’t,” he chokes out, speaking through the tears trickling warmly down his cheeks, “I won’t allow it! You can’t die!”

“I’m sorry, Gon. I--”

“ _No!_ ”

He gasps for air, chest heaving with the action as he stares wide-eyed at the wooden ceiling. “What,” he murmurs to himself, breathing heavily still. _What was that? Why?_

“Killua,” he whispers, turning his head to where Killua is- to where Killua _should_ be, but his gaze is met with their bags and nothing else. “Killua?” he tries again, slowly sitting up to get a better look around. He blinks when he notices where he is, remembers a little too slowly that they’re on a ship heading back to Whale Island.

But Killua isn’t there.

“Killua,” he says, louder this time, enough to rouse some of the passengers close to him. “Killua!” he whisper-yells, a hint of desperation seeping into his tone as he shoves the blanket on him off his lap.

Killua doesn’t answer.

(How can he, when he isn’t there?)

His heart quivers in his chest when he stumbles to a stand; he’s already lost the will to care about the other passengers when he tries again, loud enough to rouse the people sleeping a few feet farther away from him, “Killua!”

“Huh? You’re awake already?”

He stops the hiccup threatening to escape his chest, blinking wide and teary eyes when he sees Killua appear by the doorway. Killua’s juggling two apples in his hands, looking healthy (and _alive_ ) on the whole, and he can’t help a relieved sigh at the reminder that it was all just a nightmare.

Killua blinks as well, looking in bemusement at him when he lets the apples he’s juggling drop into his palms. Killua walks into the room, a slow and relaxed pace to his steps, though he knows better than to believe that Killua didn’t notice anything wrong. Killua says while he’s walking, voice light with a tinge of concern, “You were so tired when we came aboard, I thought-”

Killua grunts when Gon meets him halfway, chest colliding with a hard head as he hugs Killua close. Killua asks hesitantly, as if unsure of what to do with him, “Gon..?”

“Don’t leave me,” he says into Killua’s shirt, voice muffled as he hides his face in Killua’s chest while hugging him tightly. “ _Please_ , don’t leave me. Don’t leave me again, Killua.”

“Huh..? What’re you talking about? I just left to get us some snacks,” Killua says, hints of amusement in his voice as he props his chin neatly into black hair. “Did you miss me that much?”

“Mm,” he offers a tiny whine in reply, knowing that Killua will understand soon enough. He squeezes his arms tighter around him, clutching tight fists into white garment with enough force that should make Killua question it.

And he does.

“Was it a nightmare?” Killua asks sotto voce, quiet as ever in his movements when he throws the apples in his hands into the pile of blankets Gon had been sleeping under. “You’re fine now, Gon. We’re just heading back to Whale Island, remember?”

“You died, Killua,” he whispers, shivering when he remembers the cold numbness of his skin in his nightmare. “In my nightmare, you…you were protecting me. Then…”

“Well, I’m clearly alive, aren’t I?” Killua says, pale hand coming up to gently touch his cheek. He blinks when Killua wipes his tears away, blinking again when Killua offers him a tiny smile in response to his surprise. “I’m not gonna die that easily. Who do you think I am?”

“But,” he trails off into silence, unsure as he chews on his lower lip. That was what he thought too; Killua was too strong to die that easily-- but he’s still human, isn’t he? He squeezes his arms tighter around Killua’s waist, frowning down at Killua’s chest as he tries to come up with a good reply. “I know that, Killua. I _know_. But…but that one time, when we were against the Phantom Troupe, you-”

“I took it back, didn’t I?” Killua says, frowning when he looks up at him. “Besides, that was when I had Illu-nii’s needle inside my head. I won’t do that sort of thing again, especially when I know how much you hate it. It’d be pointless if I died protecting you, anyway.”

“Really?” he asks, because Killua didn’t seem to believe so months ago. “You think so?”

Killua rolls his eyes at what Gon assumes to be the pleading look on his face. “ _Yeah_ , I think so. There’s no point if only one of us were alive, right?”

He smiles and Killua averts his gaze, looking almost bashful as he scratches at his cheek. “I’m glad,” he says, a quiet joy in his voice as he hugs Killua close again, burying his face in the crook of a pale neck and shoulder. “I’m glad that you think of it that way, Killua.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Killua huffs, ruffling up black hair as he runs his hand through Gon’s locks. “So enough crying, alright?” he says, pushing Gon away for a bit to cup both of his cheeks and tilt his head up. He grins when Killua wipes away the tears brimming anew in his eyes. “Geez. You even bothered the other passengers when you woke up, Gon.”

“It’s fine,” he says, giggling when Killua smooshes his cheeks together. “I don’t think they mind. See?” he cocks his head to the side as a gesture to the other passengers, to which Killua obediently looks over.

Predictably, Killua blushes up to the tips of his ears the moment he sees the supportive grins and smiles of the passengers who are awake/were woken by his cries. “I-idiot!” Killua hisses when he turns to him again, face aflame with embarrassment as he smacks him on the shoulder. “You should’ve told me that they were still watching!”

“Ehh? You would have pushed me away if I did,” he says with a smile, not bothering to mention that Killua could have noticed it himself. That is, if Killua hadn’t been so focused on his welfare.

He giggles at the thought, which earns him a weird look from Killua (who is surprisingly obedient in his arms, despite knowing how everyone who’s awake is looking at them). It makes him happy, just a teensy bit, knowing that he could distract Killua so easily from everything else just by being there.

It only means that Killua loves him that much, doesn’t it? And he has the right to indulge himself!

He _is_ Killua’s boyfriend, after all.

 

* * *

 

 

“ _Wouldn’t it be a better idea to call Leorio or Kurapika? They know Gon better than I do._ ”

“Well, yeah,” he grumbled, tucking his phone neatly between his ear and shoulder as he starts combing Nanika’s hair with his hands. Alluka had grown too tired after playing with him all day the moment he came back, so it became Nanika’s turn to play with him as she slept. “But I need another person’s perspective. Someone who’s not as close to Gon.”

“ _…well, I suppose I can be of some use if that’s what you need._ ”

“You make it sound like I’m making you work for me,” he says with a tiny laugh. He blinks when Nanika looks over to him, before offering her a grin when she shoots him a quick smile over her shoulder. “I just need...an opinion. That’s all. It’s not anything big.”

“ _What do you want my opinion on, then? Gon is already fine from the last time I called, isn’t he?_ ”

“Not so sure about that,” he huffs, folding up a leg so it can support the shoulder keeping his phone up. He picks up the hairband on the bed beside him and wiggles it onto his wrist, before moving to grasp all of Nanika’s hair in his hands. “I think you aggravated him a little too much, Ikalgo.” He laughs wryly. “Thanks for that, by the way.”

“ _I-I didn’t mean to-_ ”

“I was kidding,” he sighs, shaking his head internally as he moves his hand until he’s holding onto the ‘base’ of Nanika’s hair. “It’s not your fault. Gon had some nightmares; I think that’s the real cause of this.”

“ _Nightmares? What sort of nightmares?_ ”

“He dreamed that I died,” he says in a lowered voice, his gaze on Nanika to see if she heard it. She didn’t react to his words, only humming happily as he continued to comb through her black locks. He sighs. “I understand why he’d be scared, but,” he presses his lips together, trying to find the right words, “this is too much, even for him. He won’t even let me go anywhere alone. The only reason he’s not here right now is because Mito-san forced him to go out and buy something for her, and he _sulked_ about it. Gon doesn’t usually sulk whenever Mito-san asks him for something.”

 _“Is it really so weird?_ ”

“Of course it’s weird!” he cries, before pressing his lips shut when Nanika turns to him in question. He offers her a smile before placing his hand with the hairband around her hair, turning his gaze away from hers as discreetly as possible while he ties her hair up in a bun. “It’s strange,” he murmurs into the phone, smiling when Nanika turns to beam at him. “It just is, Ikalgo.”

“ _Gon must love you a lot, right?_ ”

“Wh-what’s that got to do with anything,” he grumbles, trying to ignore the heat on his cheeks when he pats Nanika on the head. He grins when she pounces on him, her face hidden in his shoulder as she presses close.

“ _He must be worried because of that dream._ ”

“Yeah, but…”

“ _Unlike you, Killua, Gon is more honest with his feelings. He’s scared, and he’s just showing it. That’s all it is, isn’t it? He loves you that much; that’s why he doesn’t want to leave you alone.”_

“I can handle myself just fine!” he says with a pout, annoyed that Ikalgo is siding with Gon when he’s the one being troubled by him. He understands that Gon might be scared, but Gon should _know_ that he’s strong enough to protect himself. Gon rarely even wins against him during spars; if he does, it’s only because he did something unexpected. “I’m stronger now; I don’t understand why he has to be so worried.”

“ _Logic doesn’t work that much for someone like Gon, you know._ ”

He pauses at that. Then he laughs, because that’s true, isn’t it? “You’re right,” he hums, smiling softly to himself as he pats Nanika on the head. “I almost forgot about that. He hasn’t been acting that stupidly in the weeks that I’ve been with him, so I thought he’d gotten over that sort of mindset.” He laughs again, softly enough that almost no sound comes out. “I guess he hasn’t.”

“ _What about you, Killua?_ ”

“Me?” he asks, pausing in the motions of his hands at the seemingly irrelevant question.

“ _What would you do if you had a nightmare like that?_ ”

He grows quiet at that. Nanika notices it with a swiftness that tells of how close they are, and he smiles. “I already have them,” he says, quietly, before pressing a kiss on the top of Nanika’s head. “I trained myself to become stronger because of it. I don’t want to be useless the next time Gon tries anything stupid.”

“… _I’m sorry. I didn’t think-_ ”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he says, sighing as he waves a hand in dismissal at the apology (even though he knows Ikalgo can’t see it). “You didn’t know. I’m mostly over it now, anyway.”

“Killua,” Nanika calls to him and he looks down, blinking in question at being called. She says, smiling up at him, “I love you.”

He pulls his phone away from his ear at those words, smiling softly down at her as he pats her on the head. “I love you too, Nanika,” he says, laughing when she cuddles him in response. “You’re a good girl,” he tells her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders as he hugs her close. He brings the phone back up to his ear once that’s done, and says, “Ikalgo?”

“ _You’re a good brother, huh._ ”

He feels his face heat up at the compliment. “I hope so,” he mumbles, looking down at Nanika with a soft gaze.

“Killua?”

He freezes at the call, hand instinctively squeezing at his phone when he hears the voice coming from the doorway. He turns, slowly, a simmering tension under his skin at having been caught by surprise by-

“Gon?” he asks once he sees Gon by the doorway, heart squeezing in his chest as he heaves a sigh of relief. “I didn’t-” he bites the inside of his cheek in realization, before growing quiet under the weight of Gon’s stare.

 _I didn’t notice you,_ he thinks, watching warily as Gon comes into their shared room. _I didn’t notice you at all._

“Is that Ikalgo?” Gon asks, breaking him out of whatever spell it was he was under. Gon smiles and it’s like the odd gleam in his eyes was never there- but he knows better. He _saw_ it. It hasn’t only been one time, not even twice, but more than three times that he’s caught Gon looking at him like _that_. Like…like he was waiting for something.

 _But what?_ he thinks, offering an amused smile when Gon plops onto the space next to him.

_What are you waiting for, Gon?_

_“_ Yeah, it’s Ikalgo, _”_ he says, grinning when Ikalgo makes a sound of dismay at the other end of the line. “Want to-”

“ _Killua._ ”

“Yeah?” he asks into the receiver, raising an eyebrow at the odd note in Ikalgo’s voice.

“ _Palm is there, isn’t she?_ ”

“Well, yeah. You could just call her on her phone if you want to talk to her, though.”

“ _I’ll be calling her, then. We’ll have to talk later,_ ” _when Gon isn’t there,_ Ikalgo doesn’t say, but he knows that it’s what he means.

“Sure, I’ll call you later. Have fun dealing with her,” he jokes, laughing when Ikalgo huffs in reply. He ends the call once that’s done, before turning to look up at Gon-

and jerking in surprise when he finds Gon staring at him.

“What the he- what the _heck_ , Gon?” he stutters, pushing him away with a hand on his shoulder when he refuses to let up on the stare. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Eh? Nothing,” Gon says, smiling at him. A shiver threatens to crawl up his spine and he stops it, clenching his fists tightly enough that he feels sharp nails digging into his palm. Somehow, the soft smile just makes the look in his eyes even worse; it’s as if Gon isn’t really there, like there’s someone else using his voice and his gaze to talk with him.

He frowns. Nanika notices it the moment it’s there and she raises her hands, surprising him into looking down at her when she cups both of his cheeks in cool palms.

“Is Killua okay?” she asks, blinking void-like eyes at him in question. Her hands are cold on his skin but they’re comforting despite it- or _because_ of it, and he sighs. What kind of brother was he, making her become worried like that?

“Aa, I’m okay,” he nods, smiling and patting her on the head until she smiles back at him. “Gon is just acting strange.”

“Ehh? I’m not,” Gon huffs, already pouting when he turns to look at him. All too quickly, the tension clenching at his chest fades, leaving him with a strange sort of relief when he watches Gon’s pout gradually turn into a smile. He’s relieved but the feeling of worry is still there; it’s hiding in the darker parts of his mind, like it’s waiting to come out the moment Gon gives him that odd look again, which he likely will later on. It’s been happening more and more often, especially after that nightmare he had.

 _What was that?_ he thinks to himself, trying not to let the unease overwhelm him as he hugs Nanika close. _What was that look in Gon’s eyes?_

He grits his teeth, trying his hardest not to let the discomfort show on his face as he lets Nanika play with Gon instead. He’d always been the one to understand Gon, and he’s always been the only one capable of calming him when he was overcome with his own emotions.

And yet, he couldn’t understand this. Why was it that he couldn’t read what that gaze meant?

_Why can’t I figure out what it means, when Gon looks at me like that?_


	13. so close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally FINISHED this chapter. Holy shit. After a thousand computer malfunctions, after a million MS Word fuck-ups, I finally finished this. Thank _god_.
> 
> Also, I am very sorry for the trash that you are about to read. Good luck. If you enjoy reading it, then....I'm glad <3
> 
> Chapter title was taken from Ólafur Arnald's song, [So Close](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2cGxy-ZHIs).
> 
> Prompts:  
> 61\. I do not like the look of the water in that tub.  
> 62\. They were supposed to meet here at two o'clock, so where was she?  
> 63\. You didn’t say the magic word.  
> 64\. You won't believe what I found under there!  
> 65\. She couldn't understand what he was saying, what with all that noise.

"I don’t like the look of the water in that tub.”

“Ehhh? Come on, Killua, it’s just glitter-”

“ _Just glitter_ ,” Killua says, looking especially scandalized when Gon dips a toe into the glitter water-filled bathtub. “I’m not going to bathe in that! The hell are you on, Gon?! You _do_ know that glitters are a bi-“ he cuts himself off with a gulp when Gon gives him a look, “ _hard to remove_ , so why would you willingly dip your ass into something like that?”

“Because it’s nice, and it feels nice,” Gon answers simply, grinning as he sinks into the bathtub with his back against the wall. Then he raises his hand, making a beckoning motion to Killua like he’s some sort of dog- which he is _not_ \- while smiling as though a sunny grin would be enough to make him say yes to bathing in a bath tub full of glittery water. Silvery, glittery water- and yeah, sure, it looks nice on Gon’s skin when he raises himself a bit, but _still._

“It’s not going to stick much, it said so in the package,” Gon tells him when he comes closer, his wet hand coming up to idly toy with silver-white hair when Killua crouches beside the bathtub. “And I bet you’d look nice in it. Silver fits you, Killua.”

“Shut up,” Killua says, frowning as he dips his fingers into the water. He raises his hand once he’s trailed his fingers enough in the glitter, eyeing the sparkly mess on his digits, before sighing in resignation when it drips and doesn’t stick. He doesn’t have to look up to know that Gon is grinning a cheeky grin at him.

“Move,” he grumbles, idly scratching at his bare knees as he waits for Gon to make space for him in the bathtub. He stands up once Gon has his legs pressed to his chest, moving the idle scratching of his sharp fingers from his knees up to his outer thighs. He gives Gon a look when he notices the gaze darting from his nether regions up to his face, squinting blue eyes askance at him even as he lets himself sink into the glittery excuse for bathwater.

“It fits,” Gon says brightly, the smile on his face wide enough that crinkles appear in the corners of his eyes.

He scoffs. _It fits, huh._

“Sure it does,” he says, sighing as he takes up one end of the bathtub to himself, slinging his arms over the edges while leaning back into hard wood. He raises a leg, watching with half-lidded eyes as silver glitter drips from his knees in slow streaks. _How does this fit me?_

He jerks when a sunkissed hand settles itself on his knee. He turns his gaze up, wide-eyed and baffled when he sees Gon crawling closer to him through glittery water. “Gon?” he asks, the name coming out croaky in his voice when Gon grins at him.

“You look good,” Gon says, and something in his tone suggests that it’s not just a passing comment, not just a “ _this is pretty_ ”when looking distractedly at garden flowers. Gon’s grin ebbs and fades into a soft smile and it makes his heart skip a beat, the sound thudding erratic and loud in his ears when he straightens up from where he’s sitting.

“I figured that,” he says, putting on an awkward smile as he watches Gon watching him. Gon moves in closer, close enough that he can feel the heat of his body, and he swallows. His face feels hot and he feels a tiny bit ill, and it’s far too easy for him to drop the smile when Gon raises a hand to touch his chest.

He wraps his hand around Gon’s wrist, giving it a light tug to let Gon know that he doesn’t like it. “Gon,” he says, a little more urgently this time, frowning when Gon only looks at him with a blank gaze.

Then Gon blinks, pulls his hands away while sitting back on his haunches, and it’s like nothing was ever wrong in the first place. As if Gon hadn’t just touched his chest for no reason, as if he hadn’t just cornered Killua in the bathtub because he wanted to say something like “y _ou look good_ ”.

“Can we sit together?” Gon asks, and it’s enough of a non sequitur that he can’t help a dumbfounded “huh?” in reply.

“Like this,” Gon says with a tiny giggle, before tugging him up by the elbow until they’re both in Gon’s end of the bathtub. He can’t help a tiny squeak when Gon turns him around and pulls him closer, the (oddly gentle) manhandling serving to bewilder him enough that he easily submits to the re-positioning.

Eventually, once Gon is doing moving them both around, he blinks. Then he evaluates their current position, quietly, in a way that ensures he won’t react in a way that would end up hurting them both. He notes to himself that his back is pressed up against Gon’s chest, that their skin pressed together is warm, that Gon’s legs are spread and on either side of his own, and that Gon has his arms wrapped around his middle.

It’s…nice.

It’s really nice.

He sighs, trying his hardest to ignore the heat on his cheeks when Gon hums and presses a kiss to his shoulder. _I should be used to this by now_ , he thinks, stifling a pout when he catches his lower lip under his teeth. Then Gon murmurs, “I love you”; words sending vibrations deep enough into his skin that his breath hitches. He releases his hold on his lower lip, staring open-mouthed at the wall opposite them when Gon says a little louder, “I really love you, Killua.”

“Stupid,” he says, the insult sounding weak even to his own ears as he lowers his gaze to the water.

“Do you love me?” Gon asks, as if he _has_ to.

_Shouldn’t this sort of thing be obvious by now?_

“Of course I do,” he says, words coming out an embarrassed mumble when he nudges Gon in the side with an elbow. Gon makes a tiny pleased sound at that, the smile on his face more felt than heard when he presses another kiss into a pale shoulder. His lips are warm on his skin and he stutters out a sigh, lowering his head as he lets himself lean back into Gon’s hold.

He won’t ask about it. He won’t ask about Gon’s blank-eyed stare, his hot touch, and the possessive squeeze of his hand over his pale knee. He won’t. It feels like things (what they have, what they _are_ ) will break if he says anything, and he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin it. It’s selfish to think this way; he understands that, but…if he can hold off the inevitable for as long as possible with his own hands, then it should be fine. It _will_ be fine.

And if there’s anything at all that’s wrong- anything that’s horrible enough that it’ll hurt them both- Gon would _definitely_ say something, or at least make his problem known through other means.

Wouldn’t he?

 

* * *

 

“Why did you _take_ so long when you left right after me?”

“You left me to deal with _Gon_ ,” Palm snaps, looking nothing like the Palm that had smiled sweetly for Gon just a few minutes ago before they’d left Mito-san’s house. She huffs out a breath, chest heaving with the motion, before shaking her head in something like exasperation. “At any other time, I would have been glad to spend my time with him, but he’s acting-”

“Strange,” he interrupts, smiling wryly at the gleam of surprise in her eyes, “right?”

With some hesitation, she nods. Then, following after him as he heads deeper into the forest, she says, “Is this…a recent development? You haven’t called in a while to tell me anything.”

“I didn’t have the chance to,” he says, sneaking a look at her to see if she’s still following after him, before turning his gaze ahead once that’s confirmed. He takes hopping steps as he crosses the rock path over a fish-inhabited stream, hands in his pockets as he lets his gaze flit from the forest beyond to the water below. “Ikalgo,” he begins, voice trailing into silence, until it comes back with, “well, I think he told you already.”

“Got Gon jealous, did he? Which isn’t that hard to do, considering what kind of person Gon is,” she says, giggling when he scoffs in response.

“It’s not funny,” he grumbles, kicking a pebble off the bridge just before he takes a large step off to stand on semi-dry land. Admittedly, he’d found it just a _teensy_ bit nice the first time he’d noticed it- but that was mostly because he wanted Gon to know how it felt like whenever he saw him acting a little too _close_ with the girls that start up conversations with him. The moment that Gon started getting jealous of even _Ikalgo_ was the moment it got ridiculous and honestly far too much for him, which is _something_ considering how much he could put up with when it comes to Gon.

“Isn’t it?” Palm says as she steps off the bridge after him, before taking her place by his side. He doesn’t really have to look up at her now; she’s still tall for the average girl (or, at least, the average that _he’s_ aware of), but not tall enough to surpass his growing self. She asks, snapping him out of his thoughts, “I would think you’d like it, since you’ve been jealous for a while too.”

“ _Shut up_ ,” he says snippily, nose wrinkling in annoyance as he turns his gaze away from her. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Then what did you bring me out here for, if not for that?”

He doesn’t answer her immediately. He takes his time walking, not once looking at her as she walks with him, before stopping once he’s a good distance away from the stream they’d just crossed. “I wanted to talk with you about Gon,” he says, finally looking at her when he speaks, taking in the serious look on her face as she listens with gratefulness welling in his chest. “About…why he’s acting strangely.”

She nods, says, “Go on.”

He sighs. Running a hand through his hair and leaving it tangled in silver-white locks to keep his bangs pushed back, he says, “He had a nightmare, once, that I died. I can understand him getting- well, _distressed_ about it, but it’s been _weeks_. It’s not normal anymore.” He lets his hand drop, sticking it back into his pocket as he looks down at the ground with a frown. “He acts like he’s always on the look-out for something, like I’ll just _disappear_ if he blinks once. The other day, he,” he stutters to a pause, swallowing when he feels the heat rising to his cheeks, “he got into this…this _daze_ , and.” He bites his lip, keeps looking away before he can catch the bemused expression that he knows Palm is pulling, and says, “He touched me- it wasn’t anything _bad_ , but…he didn’t look like he was himself. It was like his body was there but his mind…wasn’t. There’s that, and,” he inhales slowly, exhales in the same breath, and continues, “he won’t let me out of his sight. If he does, it’s only because he knows that I’ll be close by, or I have someone strong with me.”

“Like me,” Palm says, realization shining in violet eyes when he finally looks up at her.

He nods. “Yeah,” he confirms for her, checking if the tree behind him is safe, before leaning back into it. “That’s why he kept you back for a bit, right? He made you promise to stay with me.”

She presses her lips together in a thin line, which is more than enough of a confirmation for his guess on why it was that Gon held Palm back. _Stupid!_ he thinks with gritted teeth, looking away from Palm to glare at the ground in annoyance. He loves Gon, and he’s had his share of having to deal with Gon’s eccentricities- but _this_ is too much, even for him! And, as much as he doesn’t _want_ to think it, he can’t help from wondering;

It’s like Gon can’t even see him as an _equal_ anymore.

“Ikalgo already told me about it,” Palm says, catching his attention with the serious tone of her voice, “but I didn’t think it was this bad. All this, just from one nightmare?”

“I’m starting to doubt that it was just _one_ ,” he admits, pressing his lips together as he tries to recall any moments in the past mornings where Gon had acted strangely. Clicking his tongue in frustration when he can’t remember anything, he says, “Gon is the type to obsess over something when it catches his eye, but this is something else. He wouldn’t start thinking I’m weak because of one stupid nightmare.” He furrows his brows in confusion, slipping a hand out of his pocket to put it to his lips in thought. “There must be something else. Something I didn’t notice before.”

“I think,” she begins, pressing her lips together when he looks up to her expectantly, “there’s a distinct possibility that there was more than one nightmare.”

He frowns at the notion. “Why do you say that?”

“You should’ve noticed, Killua,” she says, frowning back, until some kind of realization seemingly dawns on her. “Unless…”

“Unless what?” he asks, frown deepening at her long pause.

“Unless Gon has been hiding it from you,” she says, voice a soft murmur as she looks right at him.

_Hiding_ what _from me?_ he thinks with a blink of bemusement, not all that comforted with the concerned expression on her face. “’It’?”

“The past week that you’ve stayed here,” she says, gaze flitting to the side and at him as she links her fingers together, “I’ve seen Gon acting strangely in the mornings. He looks…out of it, as you’ve said.” Turning her gaze down the ground, as though trying to recall everything, she continues, “It’s like he’s not really _there_. And, if he is, he looks like he either wants to cry or,” she hesitates, looking torn as to whether she should say whatever it is she isn’t saying, until, “or like he wants to destroy something. You _know_ that look, Killua.”

_I wish I didn’t_.

“That’s not like him,” he says, murmurs under his breath as he places his clenched hand over his lips in thought. “I don’t think…” he swallows, hiding the tremor threatening to spill in the sound of his voice when he says, “It can’t be because of someone tampering with his mind, because you would have noticed that, and _I_ would’ve been able to stop any attempts. We’ve always been together, and Gon has stuck around with me often enough I’d have noticed if anyone was acting strange around us.”

“What else would be the reason for it? Nightmares of your death don’t just start occurring night after night with no apparent cause. You haven’t been in any trouble before the nightmares started, have you?” she asks, an eyebrow raised in question as she looks at him.

He shakes his head in response, and she sighs. Worry lacing her tone, she says, “I don’t know what other cause there could be for his behavior, Killua. It’s too strange to be explained by something like _chance_.”

“I can’t tell what’s better,” he says, letting out a wry laugh; the sound cracks when it escapes his mouth, pathetic and _weak,_ and Palm frowns, “it being caused by chance and therefore being uncontrollable, or it being caused by someone who we can _stop_.”

He doesn’t have to look at her to know that she’s wearing that same look she did when he’d first cried in front of her.

 

* * *

 

In this moment, if only for a short while, he likes to believe that they’re fine. That they _can_ be fine, no matter what, because it’s not like either of them- Gon, especially- to give up in the face of a challenge.

In this moment, with Gon’s face near his, brown eyes dark with a feeling that he isn’t sure he wants to name, he wants to believe that he can be happy. With Gon’s hand warm on his cheek, the press of his body heavy enough on his front that he feels surrounded- _protected_ , perhaps, and a wide forehead resting on his own, he likes to think that he is. Happy, that is.

He presses the pads of his fingers over Gon’s mouth before he can kiss him, a sly smirk drawing itself on his lips when Gon whines in turn. “You didn’t say the magic word,” he says, teases, knows just how _much_ it frustrates Gon to be stopped in his attempt at a kiss when he pouts under pale and bony fingers.

“But _Killua_ ,” Gon whines again, lower lip jutting out, eyes wide and puppy-like when he makes tiny whimper-like sounds at him. “I really want to kiss you!”

“Magic word,” he presses again, smile blooming into a grin on his face when Gon wrinkles his nose in annoyance at his persistence. “Or did Mito-san not teach you any manners? Shame, Gon.”

“Of course she did!” Gon huffs, offended enough at the accusation that he swats Killua’s hand away from his lips. “But _you_ want to kiss me too, don’t you?” Gon asks- and he blushes, only a little bit, because it’s one thing to be honest of his own accord and _another_ to have someone else ask for honesty from him.

“Maybe,” he admits, smile becoming soft with affection when Gon grins widely in response, “but not enough that I forget how to be polite.” Gon clears his throat- _loudly-_ and he gives him an unamused look, one eyebrow raised in question, until he lets a grin tug at his lips. The gleam in his eyes is something wicked and Gon _knows_ it; he can tell as much from the bob of his Adam’s apple when he takes a moment to swallow. He adds, leaning back into the wall behind him, “You need to ask first.”

“Then,” Gon says, eagerness bright in his brown eyes and smile, “can I kiss you?”

“It’s missing something,” he says, stifling a laugh with the back of his hand when Gon makes a face in complaint. Amusement making the corners of his lips curl upward, he says, “Try again, Gon.”

“Can I _please_ kiss you, Killua?” Gon asks again, voice and pout and wide brown eyes pleading at him for affection, as if he was ever lacking in it since he came back to Whale Island. He wavers; he can’t _help_ it, it’s not often that Gon does this sort of thing to get something from him.

“Fine,” he grumbles, put out at how easily he crumbles in the face of Gon’s pleading face. All too quickly, the annoyed purse of his lips is wiped away by the press of Gon’s lips against his own, chapped and warm and, well, _nice_ , and he smiles- laughs too, just a bit, because someone like Gon should be impossible. Someone who can make him _this_ happy, someone who loves him, someone who wants to stay by his side no matter how hard things get- he’s never wished for something like this, he had only hoped for a friend but got so much _more_ than that.

His heart skips a beat and his smile falters in the same moment that Gon hugs him close, his face buried in the crook of a pale neck and shoulder. Hands quivering, he slides them up Gon’s back, before clenching tight into rough fabric and hiding his own face in Gon’s shoulder.

It isn’t too much to ask to have Gon be happy too, is it? More than anything, more than anyone else, he deserves it the most.

He breathes in, takes in the smell of sunshine and grass and _nature_ in Gon’s skin as he closes his eyes. Gon hums his happiness when he feels it, cheek nuzzling into silver-white hair as he squeezes them both closer into each other, warmth almost dizzying as it surrounds him.

_If I can’t keep my own happiness, then please; please, let Gon keep his._

 

* * *

 

It’s Nanika who greets him when he goes up to her, eyes void-like and wide when they regard him. “Hi, Gon!” she chirps, smile big on her face and far too contagious that he can’t help a smile back.

“Hey, Nanika,” he greets back, lips curling upwards when Nanika bows her head- a sign for him to pat her on the head, as she often does for Killua when he’s near her. “You’ve been a good girl today,” he says, patting her gently on her crown with a scarred and calloused hand.

“Have I?” she asks, blinking up at him when he takes his hand back to let it fall by his side. She tilts her head, and he tilts his own in response, confused at the sudden-blankness in her expression. Then, without reason (or, at least, without a reason that he is aware of), she shakes her head. “I don’t think I’ve been a nice girl.” She looks up and her gaze is empty but not, meaningful despite their hollow nature, and he shuts his mouth before he can make a retort. “I made Gon sad, after all. I didn’t mean to.”

He blinks once, blinks twice; he can’t help the confusion from showing through the frown on his face when he looks down at her kneeling form. “Really? I don’t remember you doing anything bad, and I don’t think you ever made me sad either.”

She keeps on staring at him, as if he’ll understand just from her gaze alone.  Straightening up, head upright and small fists clenched loosely over her lap, she says, “You just don’t know it yet.”

“Ehh?” he says, letting a whine seep into his tone when he steps back to crouch in front of her. It’s enough to put him at almost the same height as her, and enough for him to be able to meet her gaze properly. “You’re being cryptic, I don’t get it,” he mumbles, crossing his arms over his knees and propping his chin over them. “What did you do that would make me sad?”

“Something bad,” she says, quieter this time, looking both sad and vaguely guilty as she lowers her gaze to the space between the two of them on the floor. “Really, really bad. Killua would become sad if he knew, but…”

“What is it?” he asks, tone calm and curious as he turns his head so he has his right temple resting on his folded arms. She looks up at him and he is reminded of a mouse cornered by a predator, her body seemingly shrinking in on itself as she clenches her fists tight enough that her clothes wrinkle and fold under her grip. “Nanika?” he asks again, confused at the show of- was it nervousness? Fear? He couldn’t quite tell, which made it all the more bemusing.

What was there to fear from him, when she knows that he wouldn’t hurt her? When he has no reason to?

“You know,” she tells him, gaze flitting from him to the floor and back to him again. After a few seconds of doing that she stops, steeling herself, before looking up at him with eyebrows furrowed and lips taut in a line- a look similar to the one Killua makes when he’s determined to do something. “You know what I’ve done, Gon,” she says, back straightening but grip not quite loosening in their hold on the garment covering her lap.

He insists, frowning at her nigh unwavering stand on the matter, “No I don’t-”

“You _do_ ,” she cuts in- and at any other time, with any other argument, she’d have pouted or puffed her cheeks in complaint until one of them let up, because she’s still a child despite how tall she is now, she’s still young and fragile and _pure_ despite everything that her family has made her do.

But she doesn’t react in the way that he’d predicted her to; her mouth is still firm in a line, the corners of her lips twitching downwards into a frown as she just- _looks_ at him. He doesn’t understand, doesn’t even _know_ what she wants him to get just from the look on her face. Nanika, as much as other people fear her power, is a good girl through and through, so he doesn’t understand just what it is she could’ve done that would make even _him_ or _Killua_ sad with her.

“Look under there,” she says, head bowed and hand raised, index finger pointing to the trap door (since when was _that_ there?) right to his left. “You’ll understand when you see it.”

_It?_ he thinks to himself, frowning as he eyes the metal door sitting innocently to his left. “If you say so,” he says, hesitant as he shifts into a kneel, scooting forward to get a grip on the trap door’s handle. A grunt of surprise escapes him when he can’t tug it open with the minimum amount of force, though it doesn’t take long for him to figure out that he has to use his other hand to be able to pull it open.

Darkness is what meets him first, much like a void to his eyes, then an odd but slightly familiar stench that forces him to cover his nose and mouth. “What..?” he asks, the word muffled by his palm as he leans in closer, peeking into the seemingly hollow space with squinting eyes to get a better look of what it is that’s inside.

When he gets a glimpse of milky white skin and wide open blue eyes within the darkness, he starts. Instinctively backing away, he sputters, “Wh-”

“Don’t look away,” Nanika says- and she’s behind him now, hands cold on his shoulders as she urges him forward. He doesn’t- _can’t_ struggle against her, he doesn’t want to hurt her, and-

_It’s Killua._

“K-Killua?” he asks, calls out when he sees those blue eyes again- then he stops, noticing how _dull_ those eyes are, how they’re not even looking at him as they are just…staring into nothing.

A little too late- _far too late_ \- he realizes, he notices, blood becoming dry and cracked on pale skin, red pooling under Killua’s sliced neck and marring the silver-whites of his hair and his shirt; a little too late, always too late, he realizes that Killua’s eyes are unfocused because he can’t _see_ anymore.

White noise rings in his ears and his skin goes cold, clammy, numb enough that Nanika’s grip on his shoulders feels like he’s being touched with a thick layer of wool between them. Colors flash behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes, dizzying enough that he wants to vomit, but it doesn’t make the vision go away.

It doesn’t make Killua- strong, brave, smart Killua, _his_ Killua- not dead.

_Killua is dead._

When the world collapses, it’s a lot like having the floor pulled out from under his feet and having the air punched out of his lungs.

 

* * *

  

Gon is a trembling mess when Killua finds him in the morning, head bowed and body curled inwards- almost as if he were trying to disappear within himself, trying to shrink into nothing with Palm’s arms wrapped around his shaking form. If he’d known that it would be like this, if he’d known that leaving Gon alone for _one night_ wouldn’t be fine, then-

_Would I have left Alluka alone, just for this?_

He stifles the ill feeling cropping up in his chest.

Still, despite the feeling of wanting to vomit fading in his stomach, the panic continues to well up in his throat and it feels like he is drowning, as though he were in some place distant instead of _here_ , just from the sight of Gon shivering on the floor in Palm’s embrace. Hiding the fear clawing at his skin and bones, he steps closer, frowning when Palm looks up at him with tired and bloodshot eyes.

“I can’t,” she swallows, eyes growing teary when Gon makes a sound like a sob in her arms, “I can’t understand what he’s saying, Killua.”

At the sound of his name, Gon stops, the tremors subsiding as he stifles it with the arms he has wrapped around himself. Shoulders tense and the muscles of his arms taut, Gon slowly looks up, eyes wide and watery as he asks, “Killua..?”

_A nightmare_ , he thinks instantly, clenching his fists to hide the quiver that had threatened to show in his hands. He can tell, just from the weak way that Gon says his name; this isn’t just the second time, and it’s bad enough that he can’t help from _sobbing._

“I’m here,” he says, coming down to a kneel in front of him, not quite expecting the mass of black-haired teen shoving its way into his arms. He grunts at the force of his sudden embrace, somehow managing to gather his own strength despite the surprise attack when his own arms come up to gently rub Gon’s tense back. “I’m fine, Gon.”

“I’m glad,” Gon says, sniffling before he takes a long breath out, chest moving with the exhale as he practically _crushes_ him closer. “I’m so glad, Killua. I- I-”

“It was just a nightmare,” he assures him, eyes clenching shut as he squeezes his arms around Gon’s back for comfort. “I’m fine. I’m not hurt at all.”

He feels Gon nodding against him, black hair rubbing against his cheek as Gon presses close. He looks up once Gon finishes letting out another breath and catches Palm’s worried gaze; he doesn’t have to be a mind-reader to know that Palm is concerned with the intensity of Gon’s reaction to a nightmare.

“He’s been like this since three in the morning,” Palm tells him, voice soft and in a whisper as she lowers her gaze to Gon, who is still clutching onto him as though he’ll disappear if he so much as loosens a single hand on his back. “This is the closest to calm that he’s been, Killua.”

_Because you’re here now,_ she doesn’t say, but she knows he understands when he nods in response.

“Gon? Tell me what happened,” he says, murmurs, pressing a kiss into Gon’s temple as he rubs a soothing hand over his back. “Talk to me.”

“…there…” Gon mumbles, voice muffled into his neck as Gon nuzzles into him like a cat seeking heat, “Nanika was there,” he repeats in a more audible volume,

“Something?” he asks, confused, until Gon squeezes him closer, tighter, an urgency in his grip that makes him snap his mouth shut for fear of missing anything else Gon has to say. “Gon?” he asks, softer this time, nudging him with a hand scratching dull lines into his scalp. “What was it?”

“Your sister,” Gon answers- and he swallows, feels something heavy settling in the pit of his stomach as Gon breathes warm breaths into his skin. “Nanika. She was there. She,” Gon hesitates, and so does he, until he realizes that Gon is waiting for a signal to continue. He hums his response and Gon relaxes by a fraction, grip loosening only slightly around his back as he lets out an exhale. “She told me to watch you, Killua.”

“Watch me..?”

“She told me to watch you while you,” and Gon stops, trembling; he thinks that it’s fear that makes him shake so much, up until the point where he pulls away and sees the fury burning like golden flame in Gon’s brown eyes. “While you _bled out_. I was scared. I was _scared_ ,” he repeats, fury dying down into a kind of fear that breaks his heart because Gon doesn’t _deserve_ this, he doesn’t understand—

“Because I couldn’t do anything,” Gon says, a sob escaping his mouth as he buries his face the crook of his neck and shoulder, his breathing coming out shaky and in short puffs as the tears start rolling down his cheeks again. “I couldn’t do anything to save you, it was too late, I _hated_ it, Killua,” Gon cries, grip tight over his back, “I _hate_ not being able to do anything to help you. I hate being _weak_.”

_“I hate being weak.”_

It’s like being hit by lightning when he freezes, the shock settling like ice-cold water seeping into his skin as he stares with wide eyes at the floor in front of him.

_I know where I’ve heard this before_.

He looks up, gradually and slowly, careful enough that Palm doesn’t take notice from her occupation with gazing worriedly at Gon’s back. He doesn’t know how he knows it, doesn’t know why he _expects_ it, but he meets Nanika’s gaze just as she peeks in from the doorway, fingers pale and clenched into the doorframe as she looks back at him.

He looks at her, into void-like eyes, and he _knows_.

_She caused this._


End file.
